Tonight I actually snapped

[Raggedrobin]

Dave, a few thoughts. your daughter is trying to do something positive, so I hope you will text her back pronto to say yes please that's great and how long will she be away for? She is trying to make amends, be graceful about it and express gratitude that she will do this, to keep the daughter on side. if you just leave it in the air without a reply it will wind the daughter up. I know you are feeling angry with them but I hope you can avoid sounding it when you text back.

Re the trip to the psychiatrist, could you ring them in advance and say could you have 10 mins alone with them? It is impossible to talk freely when the sufferer is present, isn't it? I would ring to arrange this in advance so they know you need this. I would also be aware they are not social services and although you can talk to them about what has happened with dopey, it is not really their department. Re SS I think you need to talk to someone above dopey about dopey's visit.

And re the carer's assessment, make sure you are assigned a different social worker (you should be, to avoid conflict of interests) and I wouldn't wait for the memory clinic to make that appointment, it can take a while before they do it and it is about you and your needs, it doesn't matter what the memory clinic says about your wife.

My Mum started going on about how fat the nurses were in hospital very very loudly and now about the carers, it is so embarrassing and of course it is inappropriate, its a good example of it, as is touching strangers. I'm lucky, at least the people she says it to now are professionals and know she can't help it. IN the wider world, eeek. Only last week, mum had her hair done at the home. She sat down and said to the hairdresser 'I don't like you'. Not wise if you want a nice hairdo.

 

[Dave K]

Dave, a few thoughts. your daughter is trying to do something positive, so I hope you will text her back pronto to say yes please that's great and how long will she be away for? She is trying to make amends, be graceful about it and express gratitude that she will do this, to keep the daughter on side. if you just leave it in the air without a reply it will wind the daughter up. I know you are feeling angry with them but I hope you can avoid sounding it when you text back.

Already done, text back with Oh thank you that will be nice for the both of you

Re the trip to the psychiatrist, could you ring them in advance and say could you have 10 mins alone with them? It is impossible to talk freely when the sufferer is present, isn't it? I would ring to arrange this in advance so they know you need this. I would also be aware they are not social services and although you can talk to them about what has happened with dopey, it is not really their department. Re SS I think you need to talk to someone above dopey about dopey's visit.

Will wait until we see the memory psychiatrist on 9th July then take from there

And re the carer's assessment, make sure you are assigned a different social worker (you should be, to avoid conflict of interests) and I wouldn't wait for the memory clinic to make that appointment, it can take a while before they do it and it is about you and your needs, it doesn't matter what the memory clinic says about your wife.

Never thought about 2 different social workers, thank you, stored in my noggin

My Mum started going on about how fat the nurses were in hospital very very loudly and now about the carers, it is so embarrassing and of course it is inappropriate, its a good example of it, as is touching strangers. I'm lucky, at least the people she says it to now are professionals and know she can't help it. IN the wider world, eeek. Only last week, mum had her hair done at the home. She sat down and said to the hairdresser 'I don't like you'. Not wise if you want a nice hairdo.

My problem is that I am very hard skinned if I know I am right, but I find it hard (embarrassing) when we used to go out to the shops, cafe's or anywhere really when she says stuff, I just want a hole in the ground to swallow me up. I do not go out with her at all now other than memory, doctor and hospital appointments

I have just taken my headset off as wife has just left on the bus to go window shopping or whatever she does / get's up to when out of the home

 

[SoyHJ]

Hi Dave. A good (?) nights sleep helps a lot. Just wondered if you now have QWERTY etc emblazoned on your forehead...If so, do send us a pic!

More seriously, it sounds as if the penny is slowly beginning to drop with daughter. It's a big step she has taken to ask if Mum is OK and the offer of the trip to Bournemouth. Ok, the trip is still a way off yet but, no matter what happens in the interim, this is a huge step forward and I'm so pleased she's extended this little olive branch.

As for Dopey, I don't yet have any experience of dealing with that mob, it sounds a scary prospect. I still can't believe that woman! So, let's get this straight, it's totally sociably acceptable to touch strangers' faces and make loud personal comments. Must try that next time I go shopping....at the very least I'd probably end up having a bit of an enforced break from OH. Hope the rest of today isn't too stressful for you. H x

 

[Dave K]

Hi Dave. A good (?) nights sleep helps a lot. Just wondered if you now have QWERTY etc emblazoned on your forehead...If so, do send us a pic!

More seriously, it sounds as if the penny is slowly beginning to drop with daughter. It's a big step she has taken to ask if Mum is OK and the offer of the trip to Bournemouth. Ok, the trip is still a way off yet but, no matter what happens in the interim, this is a huge step forward and I'm so pleased she's extended this little olive branch.

As for Dopey, I don't yet have any experience of dealing with that mob, it sounds a scary prospect. I still can't believe that woman! So, let's get this straight, it's totally sociably acceptable to touch strangers' faces and make loud personal comments. Must try that next time I go shopping....at the very least I'd probably end up having a bit of an enforced break from OH. Hope the rest of today isn't too stressful for you. H x

Not looked in the mirror yet, will check

And I am going to visit for an appointment at SS and let off the biggest, smelliest (won't say but I bet you guest what I am talking about) - (If you don't is sounds like HEART) when I present this dopy SS individual with a copy of wife's diagnosis

 

[Beate]

Never mind telling someone they are fat - OH does that all the time. He's a very nice bloke and usually strangers see he's harmless but he just doesn't observe social niceties anymore. One day we were on the tube and I was a bit further up the stairs than him. There were plenty of people and he was trying to catch up with me. I never really found out what happened but he might have shoved a woman to get past and she took offence. She slashed him across the neck with her finger nails and then shoved him over. When I turned back he was lying unconscious on the stairs. No one stopped to help. They all seemed to think he had been the aggressor. We called the transport police and he was checked out but of course we never found the *****.
He could have been seriously hurt but thankfully he recovered well.
So next time tell that SW that it doesn't matter what SHE thinks - it's was the people he inadvertently offends think - and it might have tragic consequences.

 

[Dave K]

Never mind telling someone they are fat - OH does that all the time. He's a very nice bloke and usually strangers see he's harmless but he just doesn't observe social niceties anymore. One day we were on the tube and I was a bit further up the stairs than him. There were plenty of people and he was trying to catch up with me. I never really found out what happened but he might have shoved a woman to get past and she took offence. She slashed him across the neck with her finger nails and then shoved him over. When I turned back he was lying unconscious on the stairs. No one stopped to help. They all seemed to think he had been the aggressor. We called the transport police and he was checked out but of course we never found the *****.
He could have been seriously hurt but thankfully he recovered well.
So next time tell that SW that it doesn't matter what SHE thinks - it's was the people he inadvertently offends think - and it might have tragic consequences.

Oh gosh, how horrible and upsetting it must have been both you and your husband

That is why I really do worry when wife goes out on her daily bus trips, I do not want to know but if this ever happened to my wife then the buss pass would be cut in half without question

 

[bilslin]

Morning Dave just finished feeding the mob. Done the house work. So I'm going to paint all day till the next feed. lol. Painting my escape, not done much at home for months but in a good place with AD at the moment so making the best of it. Hope you enjoyed the walk with Zeus. Chin up Dave the suns out here. :Linda part of the nagging team.

 

[Dave K]

Morning Dave just finished feeding the mob. Done the house work. So I'm going to paint all day till the next feed. lol. Painting my escape, not done much at home for months but in a good place with AD at the moment so making the best of it. Hope you enjoyed the walk with Zeus. Chin up Dave the suns out here. :Linda part of the nagging team.

Is that painting as in painting a nice picture or painting as in painting the house?

 

[Grace L]

Morning all, morning Dave...

I had to go last night, and just been catching up with your news.
You have been busy, I had to make a cuppa before I sat and caught up with all the latest...

Firstly, yeeeyyyyy, well done Dave (well, Dave's S/Daughter) for finally getting her 'act together' and agreeing to take her mum away for a few days.
That's some road-trip to Bournemouth, I would imagine 4/5 days 'fingers crossed'.
Good luck to them, and sufficient time for daughter to see her mum in a new light.


I've been thinking....
I know you didn't really want to, but why not let your daughter get her mum a new passport?

I'm not sure of your location, but I think the Liverpool Passport Office would be an idea.....
Then ' suggest' to daughter that as the countries 'passport office' system is soooo messed up at the moment, it would be easier to take her mum in person...
Then suggest, " ooohhh why not make a night of it", as, Mum will be shattered at waiting for
ages in the queue, and all that officialdom....

I know you didn't really want to get the passport, but it would be a great excuse for daughter to take her mum away for a few days break...

Mum (Mrs D) would be happy, and Dave would have a break too.
It was just an idea, I didn't mean to cause upset, if it has I am sorry.


I'll be back later with something else for you Dave.

 

[Dave K]

Morning all, morning Dave...

I had to go last night, and just been catching up with your news.
You have been busy, I had to make a cuppa before I sat and caught up with all the latest...

Firstly, yeeeyyyyy, well done Dave (well, Dave's S/Daughter) for finally getting her 'act together' and agreeing to take her mum away for a few days.
That's some road-trip to Bournemouth, I would imagine 4/5 days 'fingers crossed'.
Good luck to them, and sufficient time for daughter to see her mum in a new light.


I've been thinking....
I know you didn't really want to, but why not let your daughter get her mum a new passport?

I'm not sure of your location, but I think the Liverpool Passport Office would be an idea.....
Then ' suggest' to daughter that as the countries 'passport office' system is soooo messed up at the moment, it would be easier to take her mum in person...
Then suggest, " ooohhh why not make a night of it", as, Mum will be shattered at waiting for
ages in the queue, and all that officialdom....

I know you didn't really want to get the passport, but it would be a great excuse for daughter to take her mum away for a few days break...

Mum (Mrs D) would be happy, and Dave would have a break too.
It was just an idea, I didn't mean to cause upset, if it has I am sorry.


I'll be back later with something else for you Dave.

Good morning Grace

No upset caused whatsoever, I think I have said that if Daughter want's to pay for her Mum's passport then no problem, can not ever see her using it though, but maybe Daughter might take her Mum away on holiday

I will definitely and silently be renewing my passport as my Son does like to flit across to Europe a few times a year so my passport is vital just in case I need to get to him

I can not see myself going on holiday abroad any longer as if I am not prepared to take wife then I have no rights to go, but if Daughter want's to take her Mum away for a few weeks (oops meant days) then that is fine and dandy with me

 

[Grace L]

Dave ,

As a Carer you should (and MUST) be given a separate Social Worker from you wife.
I had one, my husband had another, not that mine was much good either...
Sometimes they would visit together (safety in numbers ).


Dave (and anyone else reading this), there is a form I filled in that J's Psychologist gave me called
a HADS form. This is a Hospital Anxiety and Depression 'form' ( tick box style)

It might be an idea to download it, fill it in and give a copy to you GP, Practice Nurse, and SS department
that came to visit the other day.
It might help, and may go towards getting SS to do something ....

Take care (all of you TP-ers).

 

[Dave K]

Dave ,

As a Carer you should (and MUST) be given a separate Social Worker from you wife.
I had one, my husband had another, not that mine was much good either...
Sometimes they would visit together (safety in numbers ).


Dave (and anyone else reading this), there is a form I filled in that J's Psychologist gave me called
a HADS form. This is a Hospital Anxiety and Depression 'form' ( tick box style)

It might be an idea to download it, fill it in and give a copy to you GP, Practice Nurse, and SS department
that came to visit the other day.
It might help, and may go towards getting SS to do something ....

Take care (all of you TP-ers).

Oh Dear!

Just downloaded the HADS form and checked the boxes honestly

The scale is as follows

Depression:

0-7 = Normal
8 - 10 = Borderline abnormal (borderline case)
11- 21 Abnormal (Case)

Anxiety:

0-7 = Normal
8 - 10 = Borderline abnormal (borderline case)
11- 21 Abnormal (Case)

My scores:

Depression = 18
Anxiety = 20

Which means I am an Abnormal (Case)


Oh Dear!

 

[jeany123]

Oh dear so am I

 

[SoyHJ]

Oh ****! I'm abnormal too eg depressed but hey, only borderline anxiety. Mind you, today has been reasonably ok so far....

 

[Sue J]

Morning Dave

Good to read you managed some sleep but I can imagine your neck must be sore.

Even better to read your step daughter's olive branch. From what you posted earlier it seems like she wanted to 'explain' and it sounds like her husband doesn't 'get it' but she does, in some small way, she knows her Mum so knows when her Mum is not right. It is great that she wants to take her mother away to her other daughter's? if I got it correct. Hopefully and maybe they want to discuss together how best they can help.

When we are caught up caring and working it can limit our own perspective and cause anger and resentment because there has been no space to speak about one another's lives - I cared for my mother (who was ill before I was born) whilst holding down a heavy job, my sister cared for her MIL who had AD and lived over 50 miles from them whilst bringing up her family & working , my brother's MIL had AD and after mammoth caring had to go into care, when all of our carees died I have ended up having severe personality changes and a seemingly unmanageable illness - with behaviours that are not me and awareness of what it is. Yes I have felt, thought things against my family - what they should and shouldn't be doing, fuelled by my friend's dementia and lack of perspective at a time when I have been fighting for my sanity. I don't and never have nor would expect them to give up their lives for me - they know that of me. My own perspective though is now often severly affected by whatever is causing the problems in my brain, I tenaciously hold onto the bit of me that knows and understands that I am ill even if the rest of the world doesn't. But they are picking up their lives following the loss of close members with the disease and they don't want another one - I don't blame them for that.

I am adjusting to the changes that are now present in my life and so are my family even at a distance and with little and irregular contact, most comes from me but I hasten to add no more than I would have had contact with them in the past but now I am 'needy' - what will be asked of them? I only ask for compassion and understanding and recognition that I am ill, any help they choose to give me I am grateful for although it may not always seem that I am. They are frightened by what they have witnessed in me, I am terrified and can't retreat to a space where the terror isn't there apart from the short respite I seem to get each month where I am calm.

Don't know why I've waffled all that but think it is just to highlight that your step daughters may not be as unwilling as you think/percieve in helping but maybe you've done a very good job of protecting your wife from anyone outside the immediate circle seeing how things really are. Now she has seen I am sure she will be sad that she hasn't seen the need or offered more support sooner as well as coming to terms with the loss of the Mum she knew. You have gradually seen the changes now maybe she has had a big shock.

By the way please don't give the dopy SS worker a big HEART as she may recognise some inapproriate behaviour from you and decide, in agreement with your wife, that you are the one with the problem

Hope you enjoy your Zeus time and I watch this space.
Best
Sue

 

[Sue J]

I don't think there is a 'normal' - I think we would be 'abnormal' if our reactions and responses were not as measured given the amount of stress. It should be seen as an indicator of need for help and support not as abnormal - well that's my view

 

[Rathbone]

Oh Dear, you must get more rest (can I join the nagging team now please guys, Please, Please, Please)

NO. Because you will want privileges and we all know very well that we shall have to keep on your tail while you keep on their tails, and the other ones' tails too. Maybe later, when you have passed your initiation period. X

 

[Rathbone]

Just remembered something else that dope SS said yesterday

My Son bares witness to this also.

My wife's Psychiatrist help me understand that inappropriate has many forms, touching someones face that you do not know, making comments so other can here, two examples of inappropriate behaviour) basically doing or saying things to others that a normal person would not, known or unknown to the person

Well...

Dopy SS asked me why I did not take here shopping any longer so I told her in front of my wife and Son that due to her inappropriate behavior I found this impossible to take her shopping

Dopy SS asked me for some examples, this I gave as:

1. Touching the cashiers face at the till when leaving the till
2. Saying that girl's fat (Really loud so the poor girl heard)

This is where she stopped me and said "That is not inappropriate behaviour"

Well I nearly fell over (was standing up at the time)

What you folk think?....

Of course it is! But then we have already proved that this one is a dullard, so no surprise there really! Obviously, one for your list. X

 

[Sue J]

NO. Because you will want privileges and we all know very well that we shall have to keep on your tail while you keep on their tails, and the other ones' tails too. Maybe later, when you have passed your initiation period. X

I like it

A man joining the 'Nagging Team'? well that would be new but I like the idea

 

[Dave K]

Well OH was out, Kids in bed so I thought I would treat myself

Yes it was all mine and I polished the lot off