Tonight I actually snapped

[Dave K]

Tonight I snapped

Been posting humour on TP this afternoon but finally I have snapped

I told my wife to go stay with her kids and see how they handle it (by her kids I mean her children (adults) that are not mine from her first marriage)

I want them to see but have refused to recognise their mums situation

2 sets live locally but never visit and 1 has moved away to the south east of England but also will not recognise the situation

To be honest, I can not afford an outside carer and am at my wits end, I have tried to remain positive for years now but it has totally gotten to me this evening hence I have snapped (full blown snapped)

I want my wife to go and live with her kids that she always talks good things about but hen pecks me into the ground from morning to night.

I want them to see what I have got to put up with day in and day out, I want them to recognise what I have to put up with, I want them to help...

 

[Dave K]

I have a son who is 22, 23 in a few days from our marriage and he distances himself from his mother as he can not handle it

I am really, really fed up right now.

I do not know what to do

I will not call the Samaritans as previously suggested (too proud) and will not do anything to harm myself or my wife

I am at my wits end and can not afford help

 

[helly71]

Sorry to hear things Are so bad Dave. Have you ever tried to get help for you or your OH? Sounds to me like its time to kick pride out of the window and push hard to get the support you need.i don't know what its like in your situation but I don't mean to offend. Sending good wishes your way.

 

[Merrymaid]

I have a son who is 22, 23 in a few days from our marriage and he distances himself from his mother as he can not handle it

I am really, really fed up right now.

I do not know what to do

I will not call the Samaritans as previously suggested (too proud) and will not do anything to harm myself or my wife

I am at my wits end and can not afford help

Oh Dave I am sorry you have reached this point its' very painful for you. However you are only human and can only take so much before you snap. I know what it is like to have absent family members held up as angels while you the carer are berated whatever you do. It really stings and leaves you feeling resentful & often hurt. It's not like you need rewards just recognition of your efforts.

Try to give yourself some breathing room, to get that step back and review your situation without the raw emotion you are probably still feeling right now.

You may then be able to see a way forward where family members can help you and your wife, and importantly provide a bit of time for you to be free to do something outside of your caring. Even if it's just for an hour or so.

Don't beat yourself up for snapping it's just a symptom of the amount of pressure you are under. It's an alarm bell telling you something needs to change for you to continue on the care path for your wife. Good luck & best wishes

 

[malc]

this seems to be the time to call adult social care,get help it is out there.i've said for ages if my missus was a bit of a nightmare and not the loving person that she is i wouldn't do what i do for her,i do it because i love her,i wouldn't do it out of misplaced loyalty or duty.have you thought of having home care so you can get a break.

 

[Tin]

I have a son who is 22, 23 in a few days from our marriage and he distances himself from his mother as he can not handle it

I am really, really fed up right now.

I do not know what to do

I will not call the Samaritans as previously suggested (too proud) and will not do anything to harm myself or my wife

I am at my wits end and can not afford help

I hit my limit last week, one of mum's many early morning 'rants' from 1 to 5 a.m tried to ignore, but by 5.30 I burst out crying and told my mother i'd be happy to take her to live with my brother, let him have a spell with you for awhile, god it was awful. all I could think of was what I had given up to care for her. I have created a very, very part time job for myself, but even that seemed to get in the way of looking after mum. like you, no money. still waiting for a decision on carers allowance, which i'm hoping will give me some reserve to pay someone to sit with mum and I can at least go out for a sociable lunch in my local pub every now and then. I do have friends happy to come and have coffee with us, but some of my more lets say wealthier friends just keep telling me I need a break , that doesn't help. this awful disease has brought out the best in me and I love my mum, but every now and then I have to go in to the garden and have the biggest cry ever and just occasionally put a drop of whisky in my coffee, not too much, can't afford, but left over from Christmas I have as yet unopened, a lovely bottle of 12 yr old malt. please so no one misunderstands this, I am not drinking and would not hurt my mum in anyway at any time. I suppose all I can say is, you'll feel different in the morning.

 

[Raggedrobin]

Dave, this is simply too much for you to do all alone. Please, please get in touch with social services and ask them for a carer assessment. They will at least pay for care/cleaning help for a couple of hours a week (yes, yes, I know your wife won't like that but you can introduce her as a 'friend' who likes helping out with, say, ironing). That would be a start.

We have all snapped, and we all know its a warning sign to take action (well this is my theory). So do somehting this week, to get something in place. Instead of feeling that is a mega task and worrying about the dosh, just do that one thing, get the carer assessment done. Its to look at your life and how to keep you okay and that is what you need right now.

Re the sons in denial, I would try to be as direct as possible, without being rude, ask if both of them can individually visit their mother once a fortnight for a morning/afternoon etc. It doesn't matter that they don't get it yet, you are requesting help for their mother, it is not a reflection on whether you can cope, you are asking on her behalf. if they respond negatively, or just fail to respond, you will have to the join the ranks of us with 'invisible' relatives. There comes a point when one just has to accept that they won't get involved, for whatever reason.

Of course it is deeply annoying when they are held up as the paragons of virtue, I have been there with my mainly unhelpful sister. But just get yourself sorted out with some support via a social worker. And give Zeus a big snuggle. He knows that you have everyone's best interests at heart. Xx

 

[kayze]

Hi Dave
So sorry you are feeling at breaking point, I felt like this a couple of weeks ago.
You left some kind words for me, so just wanted to say please don't be alone with this,
Is there a local carers group in your area? Some of them run free sitting services and can give you some much needed advice, they also do carers assessments which will take into account your needs.

I really feel for you, I am also dealing with this without any family so know just how hard it is, it took me about four years before I even let my husband go to a day centre, this was because of pride and thinking I can cope, he only goes two days a week for about four hours.

My mental health was so bad last year, I felt suicidal because of all the stress and ended up needing to see the mental health services myself.
Please could you try and get some help.

I feel totally ashamed about the last paragraph I wrote, but I would not like to hear of you feeling like this.

Best wishes. Kay

 

[legolover]

Kay you have no reason to feel ashamed. And Dave, i echo what others have said. You are only human. You need to get some help

 

[Dave K]

I will be OK in the morning, thought I would get the evening to myself but no, OH is back down after going to bed with questions again.

What did I do in my before life to deserve this?

 

[jellyfish]

Dave, there is no shame in seeking help even if it isn't what either of you really want. Sometimes you just have to reach out for both of your sakes (and for little Zeus who needs you to stay well). It's what I had to do as it can be too much for one person to cope with. kindest wishes xx.

And Kay, there is no shame to be felt whatsoever in respect of your last paragraph xx

 

[Lindy50]

Oh Dave, you really don't deserve all this stress....and distress

I agree with other posters, I think you need to get some help whatever your wife thinks. After all, things are so bad now, can they be any worse with someone supporting you?

I would suggest that you first contact the adult social services department in your local council. Both you and your wife are entitled to assessments of your need, regardless of savings or income. That bit is free!! And having completed a Carers assessment recently, I can tell you that it really did help me to analyse the situation and identify my needs.

The assessment will result in some form of support plan which will give you an idea of what might help you. Then, yes, there's a financial assessment ( means test) to see what you have to pay......but you might be pleasantly surprised, it may be less than you think. Carers services as such are not charged for, and the cost of services for your wife depends mainly on her resources, not yours.

So....please contact your adult services dept, or Carers trust if you prefer, and get those assessments done

Regarding your son, and your wife's children, yes, I would ask them to help out with a specific task or on a specific day. And if they won't or don't do it, then you know for definite where you stand. I hope they take a 'family centred' view, but if they don't, well, you can't make them really. And they wouldn't be unique in taking that view....for example, my daughters love their nan to bits, but when it comes to regular care.....well, often their own young lives do come first.

I'll stop now, Dave, as I could go on and on and it may not be helpful.

Just know that you are a brilliant carer and we are all right here behind you

Lindy xx

 

[angiebails]

Are you in contact with your local memory clinic. I am in the early stages of help with them and I have had two dementia nurses visit us at home and they have been very helpful to me in learning of ways to cope. I have had to cope on my own because his two children deny that there is anything wrong and that I am making it up. This is very hurtful when I spend all my time looking out for there dad and keeping him as active as possible, this being very difficult when he abuses me verbally and physically every day. He has no respect for anything I do and like you, I have to keep going. Can you take your wife there and leave her explaining that you have an important appointment and gradually they will learn how difficult it is. But in the mean time get help from the memory clinic as they have been great for me if only to give you the reassurance that what you are feeling is normal. I lost it a couple of weeks ago and kicked he'll out of our kitchen, that's when I realised I couldn't cope alone.
I don't hold any hope of the children helping as they are so selfish and only think of themselves, they don't want there lives disrupted. His son told me that if I can't cope and look after him he would have to be put in a home as he wasn't giving up any of his time to help as it would disrupt his family.


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[Jinx]

Dave please listen to the advice that gas been given and contact social services and suggest speak to your GP about the situation. Also don't forget that cost of care is based on your wife's income, or should be, and not yours, so you may find you could get more help than you thought. Last thought no-one can force you yo be a carer ultimately SS have to take responsibility if you can't do it.


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[Eternity]

I will be OK in the morning, thought I would get the evening to myself but no, OH is back down after going to bed with questions again.

What did I do in my before life to deserve this?

Hi Dave,

To you and the many, many others who ask this question. You haven't done a thing to deserve this. It is a tough difficult disease that few have been lucky enough to deal with without breaking down or coming near to it.

"This" could be better by getting some help as others have suggested. Try it. Just bang on some doors until someone listens. (I know it is easier said than done, but once you start.....)

You could feel better in the morning, I hope you do. But as these feeling come back again and again, it just means you need support for you and your OH. There are people out there who can help (granted not easy to find), it can help

Please try

 

[Dave K]

Thank you everyone

I have calmed down a bit, OH has gone back to bed after I told her I loved her and was not going to send her to her kids...

I know tomorrow morning she will not remember tonight but I will, the price of AD I am afraid.

I met my wife in 1989 and have been in love with her ever since.

I am just having a bad day, it has all caught up with me, today has been especially bad with questions and the "Why's" so I just lost it when constantly being told the kids are better than me when the "kids" have no clue how their mum is and how I have to cope 24 hours a day.

I feel a bit of a pudding as only yesterday I tried to make someone else here on TP feel better only to go down the "I need help" path

God, it gets to you when you least expect it....

 

[Sue J]

I feel a bit of a pudding as only yesterday I tried to make someone else here on TP feel better only to go down the "I need help" path

That's why everyone's here Dave. Have a peaceful night
Best
Sue

 

[Grannie G]

Try to get some help Dave, even if it`s a carer to take her out for a walk to give you some peace. Surely you are entitled to some help.

 

[Noorza]

Dave I feel so much for you. I have no idea how 24/7 carers cope and can only be in awe of them. I may be on call 24/7 but it is not the same. Please be kind to yourself you are doing what many cannot myself included.

 

[BR_ANA]

I feel a bit of a pudding as only yesterday I tried to make someone else here on TP feel better only to go down the "I need help" path

....

TP is about it. One helping other.

Idk where you can find help, but found some help before a breakdown.