1. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    653
    Bedford
    I must admit Mum was really pleased when the Carers quite rightly made such a big fuss of her yesterday when we got back. She certainly has a few favourite Carers. I am not sure which would be her priority - a friend to natter to or attention from the Carers. As you have said in the past @Sirena if she is content/settled and maybe happy that is probably the best it can be
     
  2. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    2,275
    Make the most of nice Mum, I am starting to experience this more now; sadly another decline in cognitive abilities accompany this but hey - every cloud has a silver lining! x
     
  3. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    653
    Bedford
    I think I spoke in hope too soon @DesperateofDevon. Unfortunately ‘nice Mum’ has gone again. I rang the home to speak to Mum and the Carer tactfully suggested that maybe not to speak to her today. They said all her stuff is packed in a plastic bag again and she told the Care staff I am trying to kill her as I want all her money. She told brother I had been whispering about her in the car all the way back from the funeral. CH are going to test her for a UTI. Nursing Manager has also confirmed that she has stopped showering and has started ‘weeing’ in inappropriate places according to the staff. All situations I have read about on this forum and half expecting but it has still made me have a cry.
    They are going to let me know the results of the test tomorrow and then will have to decide whether I visit or not on Saturday.
     
  4. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    764
    @Bikerbeth, I'm sorry to hear that, but good on the home not letting you speak to mum. I had a couple of occasions when mum was first in the home where they put her on the phone to me so she could rage at me about being there. Mind you she never held me directly responsible. Hopefully it is a UTI and they can get her sorted.
     
  5. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,995
    Female
    I think your mum will probably still be quite stressed from going to the funeral, the journey plus the occasion itself will have taken it out of her. In first few months my mother was never angry, she was either cheerful or very "woe is me, I'm not long for this world" - the latter was usually because she was unwell, I think she had two or three UTIs in the early days. If it is a UTI the behaviour should be shortlived.

    My mother forgot she had any money, so at least she didn't accuse me of stealing it! She used to ask me how she could afford to stay at the CH, I told her it was okay, she didn't have to pay :D
     
  6. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    2,275
    It’s horrid I know, but you need to step back a while from visiting.Let the home sort out the UTI etc & then visit.
    This stage will fade away as the dementia journey progresses, sadly you will look back at some point & yearn for the Mum with attitude!
    Nice Mum will return at some point- just hang on to that sweet memory. ((((((hugs)))))) my lovely & I think the tears are only to be expected! Xx
     
  7. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    653
    Bedford
    I learnt from Care Home no UTI so with some trepidation I headed to the Care Home with smile in place and positive thoughts this morning. She was pleased to see me but she did say she wondered where I had been, so I just said I had been poorly. She had been out with an old friend to buy Christmas cards last week so I suggested she might like to write the cards but I could do the envelopes for her ‘because of her arthritic fingers’ she seemed pleased with that idea and we found a small empty lounge. One of the lovely experienced carers (whose Mum has dementia) gave us a plateful of biscuits to go with the coffee I had made. Apart from one or two comments like ‘ I guess I won’t see them again being stuck here’ we got the cards done for nieces/nephews/grandchildren and their children and some close friends. So quite a bit of potential for the situation to get difficult but successfully distracted/diverted. We managed to have a chat as we did them about the various people. Carer came back and brought some more coffee and stayed for a chat mentioning ‘that it was great that she had such lovely children’. Mum likes this carer and he obviously said this deliberately as he knows the situation. So thinking it best to leave on a high I left Mum heading to the dining room for her Roast Sunday Lunch. Headed home via the shops and put marzipan on the Christmas cake this afternoon. Seems to be a bit of a marzipan shortage in my area as it was only in the 3rd large supermarket I found some.
     
  8. Dimpsy

    Dimpsy Registered User

    Sep 2, 2019
    946
    Female
    I've just caught up with your thread @Bikerbeth, love lies smoothed the way, good.
    As far as cakes go, it's all gone a bit wrong this year, the Christmas cake is still in packets in the pantry. I'm sure I've read somewhere of a last minute CC recipe; planning on making mine tomorrow and hope the supermarket's have re-stocked marzipan by the time I need some.
     
  9. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    653
    Bedford
    I am usually last minute but actually got the cake made quite a while ago. I did have a ‘maturing’ Xmas pud made late last year that I thought would be ok for this Christmas. However OH in October was not convinced and said it would have gone off so he got it out of the garage, ate it over 4 days and then said it was fine! However as he is the Christmas Day cook I cannot really complain.
     
  10. Dimpsy

    Dimpsy Registered User

    Sep 2, 2019
    946
    Female
    Haha, that made me laugh, I too have a "taste tester" husband, who today opened the two different types of chutney I made in October, to see if they are ready - seems they are. My retaliation? I've had some onions sat in a bowl for a while, forlornly waiting to be pickled. I asked OH if he would skin them whilst I wrote the Christmas cards, which he did. His face was all puffy from crying so much, but at least he's got lovely clear sinuses now!
     
  11. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    653
    Bedford
    Gave Mum a ring tonight. She told me carol singers had come to the ‘hospice’ but they stayed at the end of the driveway and only sang 2 carols which were not even proper Christmas carols. She also asked me if I had her ‘new’ Pj’s as she could not find them. I think because her PJ’s are like a t shirt top and bottoms that coordinate rather than match she struggles to recognise the top that goes with the bottom. So the new ones were checked trousers with a plain red T-shirt. Will have to have a creative think about how I get round that.
     
  12. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,405
    Female
    Chester
    Re pj's can you find red trousers and checked top in another shop to create matching ones if that is what she can recognise.

    Laughing at the food testers.
     
  13. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,995
    Female
    My mother has those type of PJ sets (as do I) - from M&S. My mother now has to be helped to dress though so it doesn't matter - and she wouldn't have a clue if anything matched either!

    Can the carers help by leaving them as a 'set' on her pillow, or will she insist they've got it wrong? If so I think the only way round it would be to buy a genuinely matching pair of PJs for her (she will then probably say they aren't her usual PJs... solve one problem, encounter another...)
     
  14. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    653
    Bedford
    #314 Bikerbeth, Dec 18, 2019
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2019
    Well for a few hours we have matching PJ sets and Mum assures me that if I put them in that precise spot in the wardrobe they will be fine. I think I will have it added into the care plan to have the Carers put the pj’s out or perhaps when the bed is made the pj’s are ‘visible’ under the pillow.(thanks @Sirena and @jugglingmum for suggestions) When I arrived she asked me if ‘Mum and Dad are coming to visit’ and I said nothing today’ and she said ‘they are dead aren’t they?’ She does seem to be confusing me more with her sister. Later she did introduce me to the other residents on her floor (again) as her daughter. Nice visit though generally again as we went up to the little town centre and Mum brought a birthday card for her great niece. We went back to the CH and finished the Christmas cards (all written except mine as brother very unlikely to remind her). we had a nice lunch together in the main residential dining room. Staff had said to Mum about having her lunch down there with the other ‘non dementia residents’ which she did do initially for a bit more conversation but she told me today that generally she prefers to have her meals upstairs. That appears a bit more positive as in maybe a little more settled. We did have a few comments about not being able to see a few old friends because of the distance. Stayed for a coffee and then left her when the children from the local primary school came in to sing carols to all the residents.
    When I say to Mum about coming to mine for Christmas lunch she says she will have a think about it or that does not want to spoil our plans even though I reassured her we did not have any plans as we wanted her to come to lunch. I had decided in my own mind that actually she just wanted to stay at the home. However her GP friend (experienced with dementia) who visited Mum said she really wanted to come to ours for lunch and was anxious we were not going to ask her.
     
  15. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,995
    Female
    I suspect your mother is experiencing both those thoughts - that she wants to stay at the CH and also wants to come to yours. What she wants depends on when you ask, and she'd probably be happy with both. Fingers crossed for the PJs!

    I also wonder if she feels more comfortable having meals on the dementia floor because she feels she doesn't have to 'put on her gameface' there. My mother had been quite anxious at home where all the people she mixed with were non-dementia, she had to try to keep up with them and the world was quite confusing. But in the CH that anxiety fell away because she didn't have the stress of 'pretending' because everyone was like her.
     
  16. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    653
    Bedford
    @Sirena - good thought about the other dining room. Always good to get other thoughts on a behaviour.
     
  17. Dimpsy

    Dimpsy Registered User

    Sep 2, 2019
    946
    Female
    My mum can't handle decision making, I think that she has lost the ability and always asks me to do it for her.
    If you want your mum to come to you, tell her that, with no ifs or buts. If you want her to spend Christmas in the home, tell her that too - except couch it in a friendlier fashion!
    I'm sure your mum will be happy to go along with any decision you make, and relieved that she hasn't had to choose.
     
  18. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    653
    Bedford
    Thanks @Dimpsy. Mum is usually ok with a couple of choices but obviously this is a big decision. I was going to change my approach today as you say and tell her that I will be picking her at xx time on Christmas Day. Providing no adverse reaction that is what I will do. Thanks
     
  19. Dimpsy

    Dimpsy Registered User

    Sep 2, 2019
    946
    Female
    Hi @Bikerbeth, I've just re-read my last message, gosh I sound a right bossy-boots! Excuse - it was late after a veeeeeeeery long day at work with our Christmas special.

    Simple things like what shall we have for dinner, I encourage mum to choose between this or that, in my simple mind I think it's exercising her brain (probably wrong), but anything major we have a chat, and occasionally she can decide but more often than not she asks me to decide for her.

    I must admit sometimes I find it hard to make decisions (again in my simple mind), I feel I start the day with a brain that can cope with a number of decision making tick boxes (say 100), then choice number 101 comes along and I'm stuffed, brain weary. Guess it's my age showing me up!

    Good luck with your Christmas invite.
     
  20. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,995
    Female
    @Dimpsy I had just read your previous post and was thinking I like your style :D

    Beth I think you're right to decide for her and then check her reaction. My mother cannot even decide which chair to go and sit in when I arrive at the CH, which feels so strange as it's her who lives there and (in theory) knows the place inside out.
     

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