1. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    449
    Bedford
    Thank you @silver'lantern and I am indeed going to take a step back.
    Yesterday evening did not go well at all. My friend had brought Mum a ticket to the ballet for her birthday a few months ago. I had told Mum I would be there about 4.30pm to collect her as their was also a birthday party going on in the home which Mum was going to. However when I arrived she said she had expected me at 10am as promised and that I had said we were going shopping, having lunch etc before the ballet in the evening. I think she had mixed up some conversations. She then went into the loop of wanting to go home as food awful, they were incompetent with medicines and she was bored. Unfortunately she then said she wanted to know honestly why she could not go home. I unfortunately told her - not safe, unable to do this, that etc. She asked why she had not been told before. I said she had. I know all wrong and hindsight is wonderful. In the car to collect friend she started going on that I was horrible and wicked saying these things. Watched ballet but at the end she refused to go back in the car with me. Fortunately OH had taken his car and took her home.
    Today OH and Care Home manager had a long chat with Mum to ‘make life better in the home for her’. I leave it to them. OH also told Mum that as I was upsetting her he would ensure I did not visit her again until she wanted to see me. Looking at the whole picture Including conversations with staff and my brother it appears that she only makes the complaints to me. She did not see him when he first arrived and was happily chatting away to the other folk on her floor. He also left her tucking into her lunch.
    I think as Mum is safe and comfortable I will step back for awhile and i can try and work out how we get a relationship back in the future. It still hurts though even when it was never the closest relationship.
     
  2. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    610
    @Bikerbeth I feel for you. Mum and I had a good relationship until dementia got in the way and now I find visiting her very tricky. I'm sure she isn't happy quite often when I'm not there, but seeing me seems to make it worse as she often assumes I've come to take her away. She has no understanding of why she is in a home, and trying to explain is useless as she just denies she needs any help.
    I think not visiting for a while would be a good thing for you, specially if your brother can get there. My brother is seriously ill, so I'm the only family member who can go to see her.
     
  3. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    449
    Bedford
    Unfortunately brother is 300 miles away but unknown to me has been ringing her most days. Fortunately OH has said he will go in every 3 or 4 days. Again on Care Home’s recommendation to see if she will settle. I also have a friend that volunteers with a local Dementia charity and who Mum has met a few times has said she will pop in and take her out for a walk. We get the impression that Mum needs this walk outside to confirm she is not locked in although she is always with someone. Despite my anger before to give the home their due they are willing to make changes to try and help and probably doing it better than me.
     
  4. silver'lantern

    silver'lantern Registered User

    Apr 23, 2019
    168
    Female
    dont put yourself down @Bikerbeth they are doing it differently to you, not better than ...there is no better as such its just a different stage and different needs. its adapting to her needs now and why it needs a team and working together. its to much for one. enjoy your time away re charge and look at it all again in a new light.
     
  5. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    449
    Bedford
    Waiting to hear from brother regarding his conversation over the phone with Mum. Otherwise forgetting about it for this weekend and if the weather stays good I will be out on my motorbike
     
  6. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    449
    Bedford
    So brother has had several conversations with Mum and backed me all the way. She is adamant that she will talk to him about the situation at Aunt’s funeral. Brother said he will not as they will both be too upset. Mum still saying she wants to go back to her bungalow so she can see her friends. He mentioned that she cannot use cooker, microwave etc and she said she would live on cold food and then she said she had been taught to use them again. Just parts of conversation. He says to me he just wants Mum to be happy. I just don’t think he quite gets it all yet. Sent him a link to a short informative Teepa Snow clip. He has volunteered to have Mum from 20th Dec to 26th Dec so that could be interesting. I have also spent a few hours going back through Teepa Snow clips regarding positive visits so I can try and get back on track with Mum tomorrow
     
  7. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,861
    Female
    So pleased to hear your brother is backing you, that is really important. It is really common for people in a CH to want to go home because they cannot accept their lack of basic life skills or the risks they face. But mainly 'going home' is a wish for things to be like they were pre-dementia - "if only I were at home, everything would be alright". But of course things wouldn't be alright and in fact she may not even recognise her bungalow if she went back.

    When your brother is looking after her for a week he will get to see how much things have deteriorated. As you say, he doesn't seem to have grasped that it probably isn't possible to make your mother happy at this stage of the illness. The important thing is that she's safe, if she can also be content that would be a plus.

    Good luck with the visit. Put your game face on, staple on a smile, try to divert any negativity, emphasise how lovely everything is. Hopefully she will be a good frame of mind but if your presence prompts the idea that 'this is all your fault' and she gets angry, be prepared to leave.
     
  8. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    449
    Bedford
    @Sirena i have only just seen your post Thank you. You are so right the wanting to go home is because she wants to go back to the pre dementia stage. She was very aware of her diagnosis a few weeks ago but has lost that knowledge now.
    Brother after talking to care home manager has decided it is not a good idea for Mum to go up to him for Christmas. Maybe particularly as they said they were now having to do some personal care with Mum. I knew it but he had to find out and decide for himself so that actually helps me. Personally I will decide about Christmas closer to the day in consultation with staff.
    Today went well with Mum as far as she seemed to remember something had happened but she wanted us to be friends again, if for no other reason that I might agree to take her home. However having done the ‘learning’ (hopefully) we are using the strategy that OH is researching options and also looking for someone to mend her leaking window and he will let her know when he has the info. I can’t do it as I am too busy job hunting. We are hoping this will work for a good while yet. OH will only mention it to her if she asks. However she is very confused as she believes her bungalow is sold, empty or being rented by students (very specific about that one) yet the next minute asking OH how much she would get for it if it was sold because then she can go and rent somewhere to live. She is also saying that she will commit suicide if she has to stay there, the staff have stolen her glasses and money (and when I found them in her handbag they must have put them back because I was there) they force feed the other residents (some of the other residents on her floor need assistance) and the list went on. I managed to do a lot of ‘I’m sorry you feel like that’, umh’s, oh dear and ‘shall we go out for a walk’. So a successful day in being able to see her again. I just need to keep remembering she has moved on a stage and different approaches are now needed.
     
  9. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    610
    I’m glad you mr mum isn’t going to your brothers. Six days seemed like far too long to be away from her new routine. Your mum sounds so much like mine in the things she says. It is pointless to argue so I just change the subject.
    At the moment we are taking mum out for a meal sometime over the holiday but when depends on husbands work schedule and my sister in laws plans. Other than that mum will be enjoying all the stuff the home will have on. I’ll call in, but can’t actually go between Christmas Eve and Boxing Day as I’m off to help look after my mother in law.
     
  10. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,861
    Female
    As you say, it's difficult when your PWD moves on to a new stage and you realise they cannot do/understand something they did months or even weeks ago. But it sounds like you are doing a sterling job of dealing with it.

    I am glad your brother is taking the CH's advice about Christmas. Now he knows she needs personal care he will begin to see the extent of the issues.

    My friend had xmas lunch with her mother in the CH (not something I would ever volunteer for). Last Christmas was my mother's first in the CH and I visited on Christmas Eve. She had no idea it was Christmas and couldn't open her presents, I had to open them for her. The highlight of the visit was a lovely resident who 'knows' us and is a bit more compos mentis, coming over to wish us happy Christmas. I doubt my mother was even aware Christmas happened.
     
  11. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    449
    Bedford
    @Sarasa @Sirena
    I was just thinking after you posted your replies. Prior to Mum’s diagnosis my brother and I had not spoken for 18 years. Mum always wanted us to ‘make up’ . I don’t think we will ever be friends again but if we can at least ‘work’ together as far as Mum goes then life will be better for all 3 of us.
     
  12. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    944
    Male
    North West
    Hope things are improving @Bikerbeth. I picked up on your comment about Teepa Snow and watched some of her work -brilliant stuff btw. Should have watched these a long time ago, they're very helpful. Just want to say at least you have some dialogue with you brother, mine hasn't bothered to call me or see me since mum went into care, and reckon he probably won't now -but its for the best, he's a constant let down and pain in the neck
     
  13. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    610
    #273 Sarasa, Nov 27, 2019
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2019
    @Bikerbeth, my brother and I never fell out as such but we had years where we didn't see much of each other. Since he and my sister in law moved to a largish house a few years back she has made sure we do more stuff as a family, hence Christmases together that we didn't have in previous years for the last few. Since he's been ill in hospital I've actually had more time to really chat to him and that is all to the good. Hopefully he'll be out early in the new year and may be able to get to see mum.
    Mum was always far more keen on him than me, she once mucked up my Christmas plans by announcing at the last moment she'd had an invite from him so wouldn't be coming to me after all. However since she's been in the home she seems to have forgotten all about him, which I'm very grateful for.
    As for excuses about 'going home'. Mum knew her flat was under offer, and she'd been told she was moving near me till a place she'd seen near my brother was ready. I just fudged what sort of place it was. We also said (which was true) that there was work going on in her block of flats which might disturb her. Shortly afterwards she got it into her head that the flat had been sold, and I went along with that, even though it hadn't been at the time. That didn't stop her waving her keys about (old ones I'd substituted for the real ones) and saying she was going back and asking the new owners to leave! She has never blamed me for being in the home, but instead said it was all the fault of my nasty boyfriend. I don't have one of those, and what was odder in her mind he was identified with my long dead uncle.
    Hope you find a routine for visiting that suits you both soon. {{{hugs}}}
     
  14. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    449
    Bedford
    Hi Help pls
    @Sirena
    Just had a phone call from a social worker who is going to carry out a Dols assessment on Friday. Could you give me any advise or what I can expect. Sorry I have done some searches on the forums quickly now and I feel I am being lazy but for the 1st time in ages me and OH are going away overnight to get away from it all and I really don’t want to spoil it. Guess like a lot of people I am worried that Mum will pull it together and insist on going home convincingly. Thanks
     
  15. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    610
    I was really worried when they carried out the DOLs assessment for mum as she seemed to me to be able to put on a convincing front to those that didn't know her at the time. It all went well though and DOLs was granted. I still, five months later, haven't had all the paperwork about it, though the social worker did phone to discuss it with me.
    Go and have a lovely night away, such things are vital.
     
  16. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,861
    Female
    Glad to see @Sarasa has answered, I hope that puts your mind at rest. I'm afraid I can't add anything, because my mother still hasn't had her DoLS. There's a backlog at SS's end, and I assume she isn't a priority as she never asks to go home.

    Have a good night away and try not to worry.
     
  17. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    449
    Bedford
    Yes I wished I had watched them when they were first suggested to me. I should of being doing other things but ended up watching the ones on positive visits with a few cups of coffee and a tin of biscuits.
    Family can be strange. It did upset me that brother only saw Mum once a year after she was widowed in 2001 but at least he appears to be rallying around now. I think if he was going to constantly let me down as yours does I would not want him around either
     
  18. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    449
    Bedford
    Thanks @Sarasa for the info. @Sirena apologies I knew one if you had experience and got confused.
    We did indeed have a lovely evening with an early meal in an Italian and then went to see the ukulele orchestra of Great Britain. Never would have considered it but some friends suggested they were worth seeing and they were excellent as well as being amusing.
     
  19. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    449
    Bedford
    So rang CH tonight to see how Mum was. Carer said Mum had told her that her Dad was going to be visiting her today, her Great Aunt had died and she was worried she would miss the funeral and that Prince Andrew had been sacked from the Royal Family :D
     
  20. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,861
    Female
    Your mum's still in touch with some parts of real life then! :D

    I saw the ukulele orchestra on TV a while ago and thought they were brilliant.
     

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