1. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    638
    Bedford
    Well an interesting visit today. I did manage to work out that when she says her ‘dad’ she means my brother. She has decided what she wants to wear for her sisters funeral. I just need to take items out of her room again and get them washed. I think it reassured her that she had not missed the funeral (we also put a calendar countdown in her room) Social worker came in to do the DoLS assessment- I had told Mum I had to pop out whilst she had her lunch and this gave me a chance to chat to SW) when she went to Mum, mum went into an uncooperative mood and would not interactive and kept asking if we could go for her walk. However Mum did say some things towards the end and maybe a good thing is SW is saying that the CH has to put a daily walk outside of the home whenever feasible into her care plan. Mum and me then headed off for a walk and after 2.2 miles we ended back at the CH. pretty good for 90. I then got told a psychiatrist was also coming. When he certainly lacked people skills- he stood looking down at Mum firing off questions. Mum got her date of birth right but then could not remember what year it was now, as more questions were asked she kept looking at me more and more desperately as she knew she was getting more answers wrong. He left and Mum just started crying and said ‘I am never going to get out of here now’. We had hugs and I tried to reassure her that all would be good given a bit more time. (I have a very loose definition of good in my head). Ice cream at tea time did help a little. So my 3 hr planned visit turned into 9 hrs but my diet went well as I had a bag of crisps and a small portion of trifle all day and didn’t feel like eating when I got home
     
  2. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,381
    Female
    Chester
    I'm sorry you were there so long.

    Sounds good that a walk is in your mum's care plan.

    your comments on Prince Andrew reminded me of when my mum told me the first ambulance to come and take her to hospital broke down and she sat in her room and watched the tow truck take it away - I didn't believe her, but checked with carers once she returned to sheltered extra care 4 weeks later and she was right, it had happened. Mind you the next thing was she was insisting I bought her a purple cardigan, as the queen was going to die and you had to wear purple ot mourn royalty.
     
  3. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    638
    Bedford
    I guess in some ways I am glad I was there a lot longer than i initially intended as in many ways it was a good day with Mum when it was just the 2 of us interacting.
    It does get harder to know what is the truth and what is made up sometimes. Did your Mum get her purple cardigan? !!
     
  4. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    638
    Bedford
    So morning visit to Mum. Arrived at 9.30 and she was in the middle of breakfast. I guess she must be getting up later. She tucked into cereals and toast. Seemed generally ok but said she had not slept well due to a tapping noise that she had complained to the carers about. It seems noice is coming from heating system- when I left they were talking about moving mum to a different room to sleep in until they can get it fixed. Bit irritated that the carers had not crossed off the days until her sisters funeral on the calendar. If mum can see this she frets less. It seems to be communication issues between the different staff/ shifts Anyway we went out and explored another park in the area and walked about 1.5 miles this time. Took Mum back for her lunch and she seemed reasonably settled waiting for her Roast Lunch and accepted I had to go. New resident moving in this week so will be interesting to see if the dynamics change much
     
  5. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,381
    Female
    Chester
    I'm afraid not - it was a few years ago now, and with 2 kids a job and clearing a house a 3 hour drive away I was only going to get it if she asked a second time - which she didn't.
     
  6. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,381
    Female
    Chester
    I've found knocking noises on heating systems disconcerting when staying in hotels etc, but got to sleep however the dementia mind picks up on things and fixates. So a room move might sort it if it is real.

    My mum fixated on stuff when staying with us that hadn't previously bothered her, before we knew what dementia was. We did try and change things and if we could it did work, but rational discussion didn't and we didn't understand why. Mind you it took 4 years post diagnosis for OH to understand that rational discussion had gone out of the window.
     
  7. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    638
    Bedford
    @jugglingmum The noise is real as I thought I would try turning radiator off to see if it stopped it but it seems to come between the walls. Like you if it had been in a hotel room I stayed in I would have been irritated but stuck a pair of ear plugs in. Hopefully they can get it fixed. We choose a room at the end of a corridor as Mum is quite sound sensitive. She never had the radio/music on at home. TV was just in the evenings. However you are right she will become fixated on it regardless. OH is retired so I sent him to work for a local dementia charity - it has done wonders for his understanding :D
     
  8. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    638
    Bedford
    Well it was Mrs Grumpy - woe is me today. Apparently she had not seen anyone for ages and was having a miserable time again! I saw her Sunday and she had spent the morning making Christmas decorations. Lunch was awful but I think she only stopped eating it when she saw me arrive. Anyway took her out for a walk - 1.8 miles today and then left her at teatime.
     
  9. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    638
    Bedford
    Not a good visit today. Everything removed from the drawers and wardrobe as she said she was going home. Somehow she had also managed to break the drawer at the bottom of the wardrobe. Told me her money had been stolen again (so I showed her where it is again - only a small amount). I told her brother was arriving today for a visit and staying for a couple of nights and a friend was coming later in the week so we ought to put her stuff back. She picked up things and put them down again whilst I put everything away. It was a shame as I was going to take her to a carol concert organised by local dementia charity but by the time we had put everything back it was too late. Took Mum out to a local park with cafe for lunch and a walk but she refused to engage with anything. Took Mum back to the home and left. Brother must have arrived at the home shortly afterwards. First text ‘ what does a grey drink mean? My reply ‘no idea but suggest a tea’. Second text ‘Mum says her money is missing’ my reply ‘find her wallet in her hand bag and look in the zip section’. I really do hope he has a better day than me with her tomorrow. Chatted to OH tonight and said Mum had thrown her glasses case at me. He said I should have walked out. I said I would have done but a) she was frustrated and b) she did apologise straight afterwards. I know his concern is for me but him getting cross about it did not help either - certain irony there.
     
  10. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,986
    Female
    Hi Beth. I get the feeling that you're concerned that things should be better for your mum. But from all you've said, you and your brother - and the care home - are all doing your absolute best to make sure she is as happy and comfortable as possible.

    I wonder if going outside is making her less settled. It's difficult because you want your PWD to remain engaged with the outside world, but there comes a point where it's a double edged sword. It may make them remember their 'other life', or it may make them depressed or agitated because they find it difficult to engage with. As I've said before, with dementia you always think you're doing the wrong thing - and not enough of it.
     
  11. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    747
    @Bikerbeth, I think no one really prepares you for what having a loved one in a care home is really like. We know they can no longer live independently and assume a care home will sort out everything out and the PWD (person with dementia) will soon be settled and happy. Like your mum mine found it very difficult and is only now beginning to settle a little more, but that may be because the dementia has moved on. For the first few months she couldn't be parted from her hat, coat and handbag and always looked like she was on the verge of leaving. Coat and handbag have vanished (home is still looking for them) and mum now seems not too fussed about it and therefore looks more settled.
    I found the thing to do is to ignore the packing. When I found mum stuffing knickers into a plastic bag the other week, I just said leave that for now we're off for coffee. I think next time if you are going somewhere just leave the stuff where it is and go. You can sort it out when you get back when your mum will have forgotten about leaving for at least a little while.
     
  12. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    638
    Bedford
    Hi. I think you are right in a way. As she blames me for ‘putting’ her in the home I feel like I have to make better for her. Part of me feels bad as the other 4 people on her floor are further along their journeys and do not really talk much whereas Mum can still have quite a good conversation. However CH manager had agreed that Mum could go down to the general residential area if she wants to but Mum is now saying she does not want to go there. I need to get rid of that guilt monster. As far as going you may be right. We all agree - me, SW and Care Home manager that Mum needs to go out for a walk. I guess I was trying to take her to interesting places but maybe she would be happier just doing the same route outside the home. Thanks for your thoughts
     
  13. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    638
    Bedford
    Yes you are right too - I guess I had an expectation that Mum would settle into the CH in time and we would have happy visits twice a week. I got that one wrong!!! I guess the hurt comes because she is so angry at me still and I did not expect that even after reading other posts on TP. Thank you for your suggestion next time I will follow your advise and just leave her to sort it later.
     
  14. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,986
    Female
    I do agree about the packing, I would have just left it. But then you still have the issue of whether she can deal with 'novel' outdoor pursuits, rather than a walk in a familiar location. There does come a point when novelty is a threat and routine is very important, and the difficulty is recognising when that point arrives.

    My mother has been in a CH for 22 months now, and I never had the 'blame' issue as she actually liked being there from fairly early on - although it did take her about 2 months to say she was happy with it (which from what others have said is quite quick). It was a different situation as I didn't consult her. Again I think that is a double edged sword, as decisions become really difficult for a PWD and while we all think we should consult (and carers are instructed to), decision making can become a source of extreme stress - they know they want things to be different (to be like they were pre-dementia) but they also don't know how to resolve it (because it can't be resolved). We don't want to decide, and they can't, it's a horrible situation and we just have to do our best - which you are.
     
  15. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    638
    Bedford
    So brother came yesterday to visit Mum. A few more texts today following a bit of a chat by phone. He confirmed that Mum told him she was still angry at me and that she did not trust my OH at all (because he does what she (me) tells home to - if only :rolleyes:). So for the last 19 years I have stood up for brother when Mum has complained about only seeing him and his family once a year and the way they treated her. Now he is the golden child and I am the horrible daughter (fortunately he is still backing me up) I understand why I am the baddie but it does not make it any easier. It is the funeral tomorrow for Mum’s sister and apparently she is already cross with me as my brother told her I was reading a poem at the service and she thinks she should be doing it. Tomorrow I will just take any ‘verbal hit’ she wants to throw at me but it will be a very quiet 2.5 hr car journey back home afterwards. Brother taking her to the funeral from the CH but has to go home afterwards in a totally different direction. On the positive I think it has given him much more insight having to cope alone with Mum. In addition as he has now seen the CH he is in a better position to comment what happens going forward. He is back at the end of Dec and then we decide if Mum is staying on a permanent contract. If not he can decide with Mum what should happen and arrange it but he does agree with me that Mum going back to her home is not an option.
     
  16. Topsy Tiger

    Topsy Tiger Registered User

    Nov 12, 2019
    26
    Good luck with everything today @Bikerbeth. I hope it goes as well as can be expected in the difficult circumstances.
     
  17. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    747
    @Bikerbeth, my mother blamed my 'nasty boyfriend' for why she was in the care home. One I don't have a boyfriend, nasty or otherwise. Two my husband had been very hands-off in the whole decision making process, though it is true he had made it very clear that there was no way my mother was moving in with us, something I didn't want either. Three, and most bizarrely, mum thought said nasty boyfriend was my dear Uncle Eric, who has been dead for twelve years.
    It's unfortunate that your mum has landed on you as the cause of all her woes, specially, as unlike me, you actually involved her in the moving to a care home process. However you are just a convenient scapegoat, so try not to take it too personally.
    Hope the funeral goes as well as these things can today. Is there any chance of involving your mum a little bit if she seems to want to when she is there?
     
  18. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    638
    Bedford
    #298 Bikerbeth, Dec 9, 2019
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2019
    Thank you @Topsy Tiger and @Sarasa. The funeral went as well as these things do with a lovely service and 2 beautiful poems I had never heard before. One was called God’s Garden which seemed so apt after all the hospital stays Aunt had had following falls.
    Brother had an interesting start to the day as he had ‘arranged to meet Mum at 8am for breakfast in the CH. He forget to tell the Carers though so when he asked them to check on her she was still fast asleep. Additionally she had emptied her wardrobe and put the contents on the chest of drawers in a large clear sack (I do wonder where she got that from) Other than that they had a good journey down although he said Mum was quieter than normal which is understandable. Mum went in the funeral car with my cousins who are of course totally brilliant with Mum (as their Mum had dementia) and Mum choose to sit in the church with one of the cousins which was fine. I think one or two people at the refreshments afterwards were confused when she thanked them for coming to her Mum’s funeral. Drive back started of OK and managed some comments on how nice the service was and other small talk. I then said ‘brother said he had a nice breakfast this morning, did you?’ Well I obviously flipped a switch as she said quite venomously ‘why are you doing this to me?’ I ignored the comment and as OH was driving and Mum started crying I passed her a tissue. She just snatched it out of my hand. So for the next 90 minutes all was silent. Arrived back to CH and the staff made a big fuss of her (they knew it was her sisters funeral) and asked her how it went and she told them it had been a lovely wedding:(. As the other residents were finishing their teas they made her some toast and tea. She then asked me why was I so cross with her. I just said I was sorry that she thought I was cross with her but I wasn’t at all and maybe we just have a big hug as it had been a sad day. Hug done I left her munching toast and choosing a cake in the capable hands of the carers.
    Just realised Mum turned ‘nasty’ as the sun was going down as we had just been commenting on how bright the moon was
     
  19. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    638
    Bedford
    So visit today was total opposite of the past few. Apparently Mum had a good chat with the new lady on her floor yesterday after she got back so that takes some of my guilt away. Took Mum out for a walk but ended up walking round a large Tesco due to the rain but she did see some pyjamas she wanted to buy and brought a few Christmas cards to send to her great nephews/nieces. Having a chat over coffee/cake in the CH cafe she said she might as well stay there for Christmas now as she was making some friends and it was not so bad. Later she got a bit upset as she had lost something and she thought she would be in trouble. I said no she wouldn’t and it would appear again. Told her we had had a lovely morning, no need for tears and lunch was being served so we had better head to the dining room. Big hug and left her happy to get her lunch. She was like the Mum before she went into the CH. I wonder how much going to the funeral ‘helped’, I am not sure that is the right word but maybe because she is not worrying about getting to the funeral she is less stressed.
    I have noticed one other thing - that since moving to the CH Mum seems to have lost all her awareness of having Alzheimers. Whilst she was at home she would often mention that it was the illness that was making her forget things and mix up her words but thinking back she has not said that at all in the last 4 weeks.
    I hope nice Mum stays now o_O
     
  20. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,986
    Female
    I'm glad she is making friends. My mother is very fond of the carers but I have not seen her take any interest in the other residents - she probably sees them as competition for the carers' attention (who obviously should only be dealing with her!)

    Even if nice mum doesn't stay, at least you have had that experience and know she is lurking underneath there. But as she settles down nice mum may make more appearances - and as you say, now the funeral is over she may feel less stressed.
     

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