still here,still coping

[sunshine chrissy]

Thinking of you, in a similar position my mum is in hospital she wants to come home ; I want her in care just can’t do this anymore

❤️

I so feel for you. I thought I was having a hard time but your situation is much harder to cope with. It’s humbling to see how much you have been coping with. I hope you get your life back and get some well deserved rest and respite. The very best wishes to you

❤️

 

[sunshine chrissy]

Hi @sunshine chrissy ,
Don't beat yourself up.
I still remember what a lovely lady who used to frequent this forum once wrote : " Dementia takes away two people if you allow It."
Your sacrifice would be pointless for your husband and detrimental tò you.

❤️

 

[sunshine chrissy]

Thinking of you @sunshine chrissy

❤️

 

[sunshine chrissy]

I hope things go smoothly on Monday.You definitely need this respite.

❤️

 

[sunshine chrissy]

I will try and remember this quote tomorrow as I have the same situation on Tuesday. OH is going in for respite care and may be permanent. I have spent the last few weeks beating myself up with guilt, anger and every other imaginable emotion. Part of me is looking forward to the rest and the other part is feeling so sad for him thinking this is not what he would wish and it's not his fault he has dementia but actually neither is it mine.

Oh you've just written exactly how I feel and have felt for over a year now❤️

 

[sunshine chrissy]

Well he went into the care home at 11am today,me and my son stayed for a few hours,the place was just lovely,the staff were so friendly but he just kept saying"I dont like it here take me home"It was if some part of his brain knew what was going on.He kept walking round as he does all day at home but he was so restless and agitated more than usual cos he couldn't just walk out.Me and my son unpacked his clothes etc,he didn't react at all,just kept pacing around the whole reception area saying let me out😩It was worse than I'd imagined and now I'm worried about going tommorow,he'll have run out of his cigs by now,I've rolled him a tin full tonight,I'm thinking of just dropping them off at reception with a bar of his fave chocolate,if he sees me he'll think I've come to take him home😩I really need some advice here,what to do for the best,will he settle and how long till we all visit?All the family will visit regularly but how soon? I'm in bits but it's the first day,the worst is over and my only feeling now apart from the sadness is relief.

 

[sunshine chrissy]

I hope things go well tomorrow @The Saint .

Thinking of you today. I went through this recently, respite turning into full time care. I won’t lie, it’s really hard. That first few days on your own bring in so many mixed emotions. Relief and guilt being the main competing ones for me. I have asked myself many times over the last few weeks which is worse her being here or there. Sometimes it feels marginal but the answer is always it’s better that she’s there. The wise words about dementia taking out two people is so true. And if you do make the decision to go for long term care that’s a great step towards saving one person. And it means you can look after yourself as well as your loved one so much better.
Glad you have your son to support you. Good luck. HS x

❤️

Thinking of you today. I went through this recently, respite turning into full time care. I won’t lie, it’s really hard. That first few days on your own bring in so many mixed emotions. Relief and guilt being the main competing ones for me. I have asked myself many times over the last few weeks which is worse her being here or there. Sometimes it feels marginalyoure but the answer is always it’s better that she’s there. The wise words about dementia taking out two people is so true. And if you do make the decision to go for long term care that’s a great step towards saving one person. And it means you can look after yourself as well as your loved one so much better.
Glad you have your son to support you. Good luck. HS x

Thank you so much for that,it's looking like this will be full time care,you're so right,guilt and relief are what I feel right now but I know I can't give him the care he needs💔

 

[SeaSwallow]

It’s so good that the home and staff are lovely, that must be a relief to you. Give it time @sunshine chrissy it will take time for your husband to settle into the care home. Some people don’t visit for a few days to give their PWD to settle into the new environment but everyone is different and you know your husband best. Also be guided by the care home.
Your head knows that this is the right place for him but your heart will take longer.

 

[Banjomansmate]

When I asked the Manager of The Banjoman’s care home about not visiting for the first week she said “You can visit as soon as you wish”, which meant his brother and sister in law went in to say “Goodbye” to him the next day as they were off home to France. I think I went in the following day. Then usually once or maybe twice a week after that, never on the same day of the week and always unannounced.

 

[The Saint]

You have day one over @sunshine chrissy which must be the biggest hurdle but no doubt many difficult days ahead of feeling have I done the right thing. I think @Heartsick's comment "I have asked myself many times over the last few weeks which is worse her being here or there" will be something we both ask ourselves over the next few weeks.

I'm expecting exactly the same reaction today and am dreading it. Keep posting @sunshine chrissy I'll be interested how things work out for you.

 

[Sarasa]

This is a respite break so I’d not visit him today, but give him time to settle. The staff will be very used to people wanting to go home and will be able to cope. Call in by all means for a chat or phone them up but don’t see him.

 

[canary]

.

 

[Starting on a journey]

My mum is in hospital then transferring to a home for respite/permanent stay. My family have told her that I am I’ll, hurt my back confined to bed. It’s the only way to protect my physical and mental health

 

[sunshine chrissy]

You have day one over @sunshine chrissy which must be the biggest hurdle but no doubt many difficult days ahead of feeling have I done the right thing. I think @Heartsick's comment "I have asked myself many times over the last few weeks which is worse her being here or there" will be something we both ask ourselves over the next few weeks.

I'm expecting exactly the same reaction today and am dreading it. Keep posting @sunshine chrissy I'll be interested how things work out for you.

Thank you,I've decided not to visit today.We're a close family and he'll have lots of visitors once he's settled.I've felt every emotion imaginable the last 24 hours but I slept all night for the first time in weeks!! I'll be thinking of you today.

 

[sunshine chrissy]

This is a respite break so I’d not visit him today, but give him time to settle. The staff will be very used to people wanting to go home and will be able to cope. Call in by all means for a chat or phone them up but don’t see him.

Thank you,I'll do that.

 

[sunshine chrissy]

My mum is in hospital then transferring to a home for respite/permanent stay. My family have told her that I am I’ll, hurt my back confined to bed. It’s the only way to protect my physical and mental health

❤️

When I asked the Manager of The Banjoman’s care home about not visiting for the first week she said “You can visit as soon as you wish”, which meant his brother and sister in law went in to say “Goodbye” to him the next day as they were off home to France. I think I went in the following day. Then usually once or maybe twice a week after that, never on the same day of the week and always unannounced.

Good advice,thank you.

 

[sunshine chrissy]

It’s so good that the home and staff are lovely, that must be a relief to you. Give it time @sunshine chrissy it will take time for your husband to settle into the care home. Some people don’t visit for a few days to give their PWD to settle into the new environment but everyone is different and you know your husband best. Also be guided by the care home.
Your head knows that this is the right place for him but your heart will take longer.

❤️

 

[sunshine chrissy]

Thinking of you today. I went through this recently, respite turning into full time care. I won’t lie, it’s really hard. That first few days on your own bring in so many mixed emotions. Relief and guilt being the main competing ones for me. I have asked myself many times over the last few weeks which is worse her being here or there. Sometimes it feels marginal but the answer is always it’s better that she’s there. The wise words about dementia taking out two people is so true. And if you do make the decision to go for long term care that’s a great step towards saving one person. And it means you can look after yourself as well as your loved one so much better.
Glad you have your son to support you. Good luck. HS x

❤️

 

[The Saint]

Yesterday my OH went into the dementia unit. It was absolutely heart wrenching. He followed me into the unit with his usual complete trust that I would look after him and not lead him anywhere unsafe. I told him he was going to have a little holiday and then I left in floods of tears. The look on his face was complete bewilderment. I think I will remember that look forever. I checked later to see how he was doing and was told that he was agitated and trying to open all the windows and doors to get out. I was close to going back to the unit and bringing him home. I feel that I have broken his trust and this will never be restored. This disease is certainly so evil.

Hope you are coping @sunshine chrissy.

 

[sunshine chrissy]

Yesterday my OH went into the dementia unit. It was absolutely heart wrenching. He followed me into the unit with his usual complete trust that I would look after him and not lead him anywhere unsafe. I told him he was going to have a little holiday and then I left in floods of tears. The look on his face was complete bewilderment. I think I will remember that look forever. I checked later to see how he was doing and was told that he was agitated and trying to open all the windows and doors to get out. I was close to going back to the unit and bringing him home. I feel that I have broken his trust and this will never be restored. This disease is certainly so evil.

Hope you are coping @sunshine chrissy.

Oh this exactly what happened with me on Monday,he kept saying I don't like it here take me home😭They advised me to slip out while they were serving the dinners,he didn't see me go,I spent the whole day in tears and couldn't sleep that night for thinking of him abandoned.I've been back the last 2 days and left treats etc for him thought not seen him,They advised me to leave it till weekend to visit.Today I asked how he was,he's not asked where his phone is or where our dog is,his 2 obsessions,it's bizarre!!They said he's been dancing in the lounge today to northen soul music which he's always loved!! I'm in a much better frame of mind than I expected to be,it's only day 3 but it lifted me so much to hear this.I'm anxious now about visiting him and family keep asking when can they visit,I'm worried he'll think they've come to take him home.Must admit I'm enjoying the peace and quiet and a clean house but I can't sit still or follow a tv drama.Time will tell,we have no choice really do we❤️