Morning everyone,
Thank you, all of you, for listening to me moan and offering support (as always) xxx
2Jays, you're actually 100% right about the adhd affecting the way we have responded at times, and it hasn't helped her (or us) in the long run. She can focus and concentrate, but its hard for her, and so she only makes the effort when its things that matter to her (like work) - it doesn't matter to her, however, if her room resembles a landfill site or if she has left a trail of debris behind her as she moves through the house that I've just spent hours cleaning! When it comes to her room, I guenuinely think that when we make her face the state of it, she is totally overwhelmed and has no idea how or where to start. At the same time, she hates anyone in her space (room) and so fights against and refuses any help we offer.
Oldest has pointed out that youngest has developed a 'coping' stratagy of going straight into meltdown and attack, when faced with anything she doesn't like - be it critiscm, or requests to help or being told to clean her room. And we have chosen to avoid the meltdowns far more often that we should have done. Anything for a quiet life, at times, I guess. Which is how we have ended up in this situation. As Slugsta says, sometimes the quiet life has been more important and necessary for us that tackling her.
Hi Charlie If she had been moving into college accomodation or uni halls, I would have actually welcomed it. Because that would be an environment where she could learn to be more independent, but with a safety net of support there too. Without some form of support to ease her from being cosseted at home to independance, I know its likely she will get herself into real problems, potentially serious ones - and thats the worry.
We have had a better week with her - she has tried, but its the sort of stituation I described above. A large proportion of her belongings were spread across the landing area, whilst her room was being sorted - that bit of the house still looks like a junk shop. She has spent time 'sorting it', but watching her, she just doesn't know where to start. Sghe starts on one pile, sorting things out, but then gets distracted and moves onto something else - in the end, all she is doing is moving things around, and getting upset when its not getting any better. She's completely overwhelmed. So, despite her (for once rather muted) objections, today I am getting stuck in - she doesn't want help, but she clearly is struggling without it, so I'm not giving her the choice. I know its not fair, that she should do it herself, etc - but that isn't going to happen - she can cause chaos, but she can't sort it. The fact that she is working today, then off to a concert is a bonus for me - because if she isn't here, then I won't have to also put effort into walking on eggshells and avoiding another tantrum. The trick then is to make sure that once everything is under control, to not let the meltdowns stop us making her keep on top of it all and having it get to the stage where she can't sort it herself.
Spamar - I hope you are having a lovely time in Cornwall - yesterday, temps hit 20 here, with lovely sunshine - fingers crossed you are getting similar, or even better!
Yesterday was Mil's 78th birthday. She hasn't been too well these last few days - nothing definite, off her food, very sleepy and one episode of sickness, and the GP has now organised blood tests, as he is stumped too and can only agree with the staff and us when we say that she 'just isn't right' However, she did seem a bit brighter yesterday when OH and I went to see her. As is mostly the case now, she was in her room - she is rarely in the lounge at the moment, as over the last few weks, its been found that she quickly gets agitated in there. To my amazment, after weeks of me asking, the toy dog that had gone missing at Christmas had been found - and Mil spent a lot of the visit cuddling it, totally ignoring the previous favourite, a baby doll. Last Christmas, it was clear that she no longer has any idea what to do when presented with gift wrapped packages - no idea what they are, no idea what to do with them and even when shown, she couldn't work out how to unwrap anything. So yesterday I put the new tops and chocolates we had bought her into a simple gift bag. She lifted some of the gifts out, but 'told' the carer to 'do it' after just a few minutes and the only things that she showed any pleasure in were the small box of chocs and a bar of turkish delight - which she identified straight away, with a squeal of pleasure.
We had lots of the 'help, help me cries' throughout the visit, and both OH and I ended up refusing to let her hold our hands, as she persisitently twisted and squeezed our fingers, very deliberately - she has a trick with me of fiddling with my engagement ring, so the stone is turned towards the next finger, and then she squeezes my fingers so the stone digs in - very painful, and as I said - very deliberate! She didn't seem to quite 'get' the idea that it was her birthday - although she did say a cuple of times that she was '17 today', mostly she seemed very bemused. When the staff carried in her birthday cake, and several gathered round to sing happy birthday, she sang along - but stumbled when it came to putting her own name into the song, that totally confused her. When asked to blow out the candles, she was again seemingly unable to work out what was being asked of her - and solved the dilemma by just shouting 'NO' in the carers face. Hard to make out a lot of what she said, but the word 'home' featured several times.
Slightly - no, make that VERY - annoyed with oldest two, who didn't even send a card for their Nan. Oldest dau apologised profusely and within minutes of me saying, she text to say gifts were on there way. Son, I actually reminded last week - no idea what his excuse is. Youngest gave me money, and asked me if she could go 'shares' with our gifts to her - tbf, she had taken a trip into town, but came back saying that she really couldn't find anything Nan would like. I get that, completely - other than chocolates or fluffy socks, Mil doesn't seem interested in anything. We bought her tops more as something useful, rather than for her pleasure - she glanced at them, but then just handed them to the carer with no signs that they pleased her. As I said, she doen't 'get' the whole concept of presents now at all.
Work - hmmmmm, best I don't go there. Suffice to say, over my hours already this week and still with a trip to mid-Wales for meetings tomorrow. Exhausted doesnt come close at the moment.
Right - youngest has left and I am going to get stuck in.
Love to all xxxxx
Thank you, all of you, for listening to me moan and offering support (as always) xxx
2Jays, you're actually 100% right about the adhd affecting the way we have responded at times, and it hasn't helped her (or us) in the long run. She can focus and concentrate, but its hard for her, and so she only makes the effort when its things that matter to her (like work) - it doesn't matter to her, however, if her room resembles a landfill site or if she has left a trail of debris behind her as she moves through the house that I've just spent hours cleaning! When it comes to her room, I guenuinely think that when we make her face the state of it, she is totally overwhelmed and has no idea how or where to start. At the same time, she hates anyone in her space (room) and so fights against and refuses any help we offer.
Oldest has pointed out that youngest has developed a 'coping' stratagy of going straight into meltdown and attack, when faced with anything she doesn't like - be it critiscm, or requests to help or being told to clean her room. And we have chosen to avoid the meltdowns far more often that we should have done. Anything for a quiet life, at times, I guess. Which is how we have ended up in this situation. As Slugsta says, sometimes the quiet life has been more important and necessary for us that tackling her.
Hi Charlie If she had been moving into college accomodation or uni halls, I would have actually welcomed it. Because that would be an environment where she could learn to be more independent, but with a safety net of support there too. Without some form of support to ease her from being cosseted at home to independance, I know its likely she will get herself into real problems, potentially serious ones - and thats the worry.
We have had a better week with her - she has tried, but its the sort of stituation I described above. A large proportion of her belongings were spread across the landing area, whilst her room was being sorted - that bit of the house still looks like a junk shop. She has spent time 'sorting it', but watching her, she just doesn't know where to start. Sghe starts on one pile, sorting things out, but then gets distracted and moves onto something else - in the end, all she is doing is moving things around, and getting upset when its not getting any better. She's completely overwhelmed. So, despite her (for once rather muted) objections, today I am getting stuck in - she doesn't want help, but she clearly is struggling without it, so I'm not giving her the choice. I know its not fair, that she should do it herself, etc - but that isn't going to happen - she can cause chaos, but she can't sort it. The fact that she is working today, then off to a concert is a bonus for me - because if she isn't here, then I won't have to also put effort into walking on eggshells and avoiding another tantrum. The trick then is to make sure that once everything is under control, to not let the meltdowns stop us making her keep on top of it all and having it get to the stage where she can't sort it herself.
Spamar - I hope you are having a lovely time in Cornwall - yesterday, temps hit 20 here, with lovely sunshine - fingers crossed you are getting similar, or even better!
Yesterday was Mil's 78th birthday. She hasn't been too well these last few days - nothing definite, off her food, very sleepy and one episode of sickness, and the GP has now organised blood tests, as he is stumped too and can only agree with the staff and us when we say that she 'just isn't right' However, she did seem a bit brighter yesterday when OH and I went to see her. As is mostly the case now, she was in her room - she is rarely in the lounge at the moment, as over the last few weks, its been found that she quickly gets agitated in there. To my amazment, after weeks of me asking, the toy dog that had gone missing at Christmas had been found - and Mil spent a lot of the visit cuddling it, totally ignoring the previous favourite, a baby doll. Last Christmas, it was clear that she no longer has any idea what to do when presented with gift wrapped packages - no idea what they are, no idea what to do with them and even when shown, she couldn't work out how to unwrap anything. So yesterday I put the new tops and chocolates we had bought her into a simple gift bag. She lifted some of the gifts out, but 'told' the carer to 'do it' after just a few minutes and the only things that she showed any pleasure in were the small box of chocs and a bar of turkish delight - which she identified straight away, with a squeal of pleasure.
We had lots of the 'help, help me cries' throughout the visit, and both OH and I ended up refusing to let her hold our hands, as she persisitently twisted and squeezed our fingers, very deliberately - she has a trick with me of fiddling with my engagement ring, so the stone is turned towards the next finger, and then she squeezes my fingers so the stone digs in - very painful, and as I said - very deliberate! She didn't seem to quite 'get' the idea that it was her birthday - although she did say a cuple of times that she was '17 today', mostly she seemed very bemused. When the staff carried in her birthday cake, and several gathered round to sing happy birthday, she sang along - but stumbled when it came to putting her own name into the song, that totally confused her. When asked to blow out the candles, she was again seemingly unable to work out what was being asked of her - and solved the dilemma by just shouting 'NO' in the carers face. Hard to make out a lot of what she said, but the word 'home' featured several times.
Slightly - no, make that VERY - annoyed with oldest two, who didn't even send a card for their Nan. Oldest dau apologised profusely and within minutes of me saying, she text to say gifts were on there way. Son, I actually reminded last week - no idea what his excuse is. Youngest gave me money, and asked me if she could go 'shares' with our gifts to her - tbf, she had taken a trip into town, but came back saying that she really couldn't find anything Nan would like. I get that, completely - other than chocolates or fluffy socks, Mil doesn't seem interested in anything. We bought her tops more as something useful, rather than for her pleasure - she glanced at them, but then just handed them to the carer with no signs that they pleased her. As I said, she doen't 'get' the whole concept of presents now at all.
Work - hmmmmm, best I don't go there. Suffice to say, over my hours already this week and still with a trip to mid-Wales for meetings tomorrow. Exhausted doesnt come close at the moment.
Right - youngest has left and I am going to get stuck in.
Love to all xxxxx