1. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,951
    Suffolk
    Well, Slugsta, it’s raining here and has been for several hours. I’m sure the whisky will help son, just make sure he doesn’t drive!
     
  2. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Morning all,

    Don't worry Spamar, son isn't driving! We haven't had a phone call, so I'm guessing they survived the wind and rain. Son is going to want nothing other than a warm bed when he gets back.
     
  3. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,062
    Female
    Chester
    The weather here was pretty cold last night, not that wet, but I did laugh when you said plenty of whisky was packed as I thought they might get drunk and then slip and get wet.

    Hope he enjoys himself.

    No snow here, as was forecast, but there is snow in North Wales, but I've looked at photos from cafe on horseshoe pass and not enough for tobogganing.
     
  4. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,951
    Suffolk
    Nothing but rain and wind!
     
  5. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    3,701
    Hi everyone,

    I'm so sorry that I havent ben on for such a long time. Just the 'same old' busy, busy, busy has for some reason been harder to deal with than it normally is - my get up and go has totally got up and gone for me at the moment! I'm not ill - just feel really exhausted, all the time.

    Its been mainly work - by the end of this month, I have to hit all the new, increased targets - and its been non-stop. A last minute, out of the blue project (which I didn't even look for - a teacher from another college had 'heard' about the work I do, and contacted me) has meant that I've exceeded the targets by quite a bit in some instances - but the work involved has been ridiculous, and I have already made it clear that I have no intention of putting in the same hours if thats what it takes to hit the targets next year. They will get 100% for my paid hours, anything over that, I'm not going to do. Its caused so much stress and so many restless nights, worrying about the whole ruddy thing. And I'm pretty sure that its a combination of long hours and stress thats caused the recent increase in fibro pain and symptoms.

    Mil is fine - though I have not visited more than once a week (and sometimes, not even that) since Christmas. The new reduced 1-1 hours are apparently going OK, OH reports that health wise, she is very stable at the moment. I'll take a deep breath and admit that in all honesty, I think I've become very detached from her care now. We haven't had any major hassles or health worries, thankfully, and its almost like thats allowed me to back right off. I keep thinking I should go more often - but (bad as it sounds) I can't stir myself to do so.

    Youngest has been a royal pain since Christmas. Again, the same old story, trying to get her to take more responsibility for clearing up her own mess, and pitching in to help. I haven't actually spoken to her properly since Sunday, tbh - OH, ill with the flu, had just returned from a long drive in foul weather, to take son and his GF back to Preston, he asked her to make him a cup of tea - and she very bluntly said no. Rather than face a row, I said not to worry, I'd make it. When I left the room she called OH a particularly nasty name - not because she felt that he shouldn't have expected us to make him a drink - but because he dared to put the programme we were all watching on pause whilst I made the drink. SHE didn't think it was fair to be expected to not watch, just because he wanted a drink. Major row followed, she stormed upstairs. The following day, she was again rude to me and informed me that she and a friend were going to look at a flat this coming weekend, as it was 'clear' (she said) that we wanted her to move out. Harsh words followed, including her telling me that the only reason that I would want her to stay is so I can 'get money' off her, for her keep. That capped it for me, and I've barely spoken to her since. I havent heard anything more about this flat , no idea whether that was just a 'threat' or if she really is going to see it - I just know, 100%, that she would NEVER manage - finacially or otherwise - to live independently.

    We are off on holiday, on the 30th of this month, and the thought of that is whats keeping me going right now! I used up so much of my leave sorting Mil last year that I havent a break of more than 3 days from work since September, I even worked through a lot of Christmas week, so I am VERY ready for this break. Hoping that 10 days of sunshine, no work, no housework and even, dare I say it, no youngest to row with, will shake me out of the doldrums. Its not like m,e top be so sluggish and unmotivated, and I'm annoying myself at the moment!

    Will spend some time later, catching up with all your posts - I think about you all often xxxxx
     
  6. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,206
    Female
    South coast
    The flat (if it happens) might be the making of your youngest, Ann. Even if it doesnt work out, at least she may have some inkling about what living entails.
     
  7. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,951
    Suffolk
    Hi Ann, nice to hear from you! I’m off to Cornwall next week, am looking forward to that. By coach, not car, so I don’t have to worry about traffic etc. Someone else’s problem!

    Still windy, but the sun is coming out! I’m sure I heard it rain during the night as well.

    Hope you enjoy your holiday, well deserved!

    No kids, so I’m not sure what to say about your dau. I would never of dared, but kids are totally different these days! She’ll probably be better when grown up!
     
  8. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Ann, I'm sorry to hear that you are busier than ever - and that is having a deleterious effect on your health (((gugs))) Please put yourself at the top of the list, for once - you are important in your own right, not 'just' as a wife, mother, carer etc.

    I'm sorry to say that I don't think work will ever change :( Higher management are clearly enthusiastic about delivering the service, but less enthusiastic about the welfare of their employees.

    Now for a bit of good news - I believe that things will improve in relation to your daughter, although I cannot promise a time frame! As Canary said, daughter might have to move out before she realises she was in clover at home. I know her bad behaviour is the last thing you need at the moment though :mad:.

    Glad to hear that MIL is doing well. Please try to refrain from beating yourself up about not visiting more often, you have more than enough on your plate at the moment.

    Not long now until your holiday :) I hope that the warmth and relaxation has the desired effect on your pain levels (((hugs)))

    Spamar, I hope you have a good time in Cornwall. Hopefully, you will have a bit more energy this time as you won't be driving down.
     
  9. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,062
    Female
    Chester
    Ann - nice to hear from you. I'm afraid I too think that the job won't change - you either have to decide you can cope with it or find another job.

    I'm glad MIL is settled, you fought so hard for so long for her, that you can only keep going for so long. It is hard if you don't get anything out of visiting her and you aren't sure she gets much. I don't see my mum that often (every other week) given she is 10 mins away, but I reconcile that to she was 200 miles away before she got ill and I only saw her every couple of months.

    Sorry to hear about dau's behaviour, my OH would have absolutely blasted dau out of the room if she tried to pull a trick like that and then all hell would break loose for days. Dau does always back down and apologise but if she didn't OH would be finding the flat for her.

    I hope your holiday is warm and helps with the fibro.

    Spamar - I hope you have a good trip to Cornwall, hopefully the wind will have eased before you get there.


    I'm feeling a lot better in total. The steroids caused awful stomach cramps and constipation, and I finished them on Monday but only felt right stomach wise yesterday.

    I managed a 1 mile run on Tue and Wed, pilates yesterday (may have overdone it there)and a bike ride today, which was slow as I was tired. The wind wasn't that pleasant either. Hopefully I'll get fitter slowly.
     
  10. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    3,701
    Morning all,

    Spamar, I hope you have a lovely time in Cornwall, and I'm very glad that the weather looks set to improve after this weekend, just in time for your break. Safe journey - and I'm glad you arent driving too, hopefully the coach will be much less tiring for you xxx

    I'm glad you are feeling so much better, JM - Mil had to occasionally have steroids for chest infections, and they did tend to cause stomach problems for her too - not nice when you are not feeling 100% anyway.

    If it had been eldest daughter talking about getting a flat at 17, I don't think I would have been so upset by it all, and I might even have been in agreement with canary about it possibly being the making of her. But youngest, perhaps because of the adhd, is (I think) very young for her age, and she just isn't yet capable of managing. She is gullible and both OH and I are already very aware that because she is earning a decent amount, there are a few so called friends who are taking advantage of this, but dau can't see this. That alone makes her vulnerable, never mind anything else, and there have been a few occasions where, had she been living independently, she would have been in dire straits as a result. Aside from the behaviour with her Dad, there were a couple of incidents regarding her room over last weekend, which really had brought things to a head. I won't go into details, but suffice to say I was both furious with her, and ashamed of her, in equal measure. It was bad enough that it added hugely to me worrying about her coping in her own 'place'. Despite the frosty atmosphere, given the choice between OH and I sorting her room, or her doing it herself, she chose to 'do it herself', and had supposedly been spending time sorting it out since last Monday. By Friday night, things had thawed a little bit here, and she very earnestly informed me that it was 'nearly done' and 'looked nice'. Saturday morning, it turned out that she had hardly done anything. I could post pictures, but to be honest, I'm actually too ashamed of the state of it (and of her) to go down that route.

    Obviously, this discovery on Saturday sparked another row, though I swear OH and I tried so hard to avoid it. We were very calm, explained that this wasn't acceptable and why, but stressed that it was clear that she had issues with being able to cope and actually said we would either help with the room, or if she had any suggestions on how we could support her to do it herself (which is her preference, always), then we would listen. Instant meltdown - we were unfair, we 'knew' she couldn't have got the room sorted in 'such a short time' (How many months/years have these rows been going on for?), that we were setting her up just so we could 'have a go' - and straight into going on about how 'this' behaviour from us was why she was moving out - and it was clear that she thought that her doing that 'would teach us'!

    Row continued whilst I was driving her to theatre group, and it became increasingly clear that the threat of 'moving out' was being used as an emotional cosh. I dropped her off, informed she could make her own way home, went back - and started on her room. I'm not even going to attempt to describe what I found in there, what I (and OH, who joined in to help) had to deal with. Lets just say that I ended up in tears, and that amongst other things, both her bed and mattress had to be taken to the skip, and when we get back from our holiday, replacing the flooring in her room will be a priority. It was really and truely that bad. Her 'cleaning' over the last several months had consisted of her scooping everything either into the drawers under her bed, under, in to and behind her wardrobe or actually into the drawers in her dresser (that has to be replaced too). Which had concealed the extent of the mess that was building up in there. The last time she 'cleaned' the room, she had moved the furniture round - it transpired that this was almost certainly done to cover up damage to the laminate flooring. The bed, drawers and wardrobe (which OH had to repair yesterday) were bought for her 6 years ago, and the mattress replaced about a year ago. To have to replace nearly all of it is completely unacceptable, as we had spent a small fortune on solid wood furniture and a really nice divan bed, and it all should have lasted.

    Dau didn't turn up at the time expected, and when I texted her, she informed me that she was 'staying in town, to have some space'. Accusations of us 'pressuring her', 'being unfair' and when I remonstrated with her, a threat that if I 'started again' she would come home, grab some stuff and leave straight away - more emotional blackmail. She was furious that we had 'dared' to go into 'her' room to clean after she had 'told us no'! I laid out that I was disgusted and ashamed of her, reiterated we were prepared to support her but that she had to face up to her responsibilities - and told her that I was fed up of her using the threat of leaving to try and deflect from her behaviour and, lets face it, basically bully us. I refused to answer any more texts.

    She turned up after 7pm - and I have no idea why, but complete turn around. She has agreed she won't be moving out, agreed to us working out how to help and support her keep on top of her room - and apologised. She has also agreed that she won't be moving anywhere just yet. She spent an hour or two finishing off some jobs that needed doing, allowing OH and I to sit down and grab some food for the first time all day. She is buying a new chest of drawers this month, and will repay the cost of the new bed and mattress that OH and I have had to buy, next month. She will also contribute to the new flooring. I have no idea if this attitude will last, or if there is more grief to come. Too exhausted, sore and fed up to care at this point to be honest. Obviously the fibro is raging this morning, and I've managed to pull a muscle in my right shoulder/chest area which - unless it improves pretty quickly - is going to make the heavy week ahead at work even harder.

    It really has been a horrible week - despite the fact that I've had some amazing feedback at work, and some great outcomes from all of my projects, that has been eclipsed by the issues with dau, and the fact that I am exhausted. Roll on a week on Saturday, when we leave for Fuerteventura.

    Sending much love to you all, as always xxxxx
     
  11. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,597
    West Midlands
    Tough love is what I think made her think about things more clearly

    As long as you appeared to let things go in her eyes, the longer she will continue in her ways and the fact it seems you put your foot down with a very firm speaking to, has opened her eyes - maybe

    Son did something similar to his room and with his attitude towards us. A 2day old carpet, a section was ruined with the spilling of enamel model paints. We refused to replace it, actually, the carpet still remains in the room.... I guess now he has left home for 3 years, it’s about time we changed it. :eek:

    I don’t think I’ve truly got any knowledge of adhd, But i do suspect son has some kind of difficulty in understanding, or being able to do, certain ways of behaving, but I’m wondering if maybe, perhaps, don’t want to appear interfering....

    maybe you have been “allowing” some of adhd behaviour, which has been stopping you from fully disciplining bad behaviour. If you know what I mean

    I’ve debated whether to post last paragraph. Please feel free to tell me to butt out xxxx
     
  12. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Afternoon all,

    Ann (((hugs))) what an absolutely vile time you are having! :( In retrospect, I wish I had dealt differently with our son at times. However, we can only do what seems best at the time - and 'best' has to take into account everyone's needs, not just the 'child'.

    Jm, I'm glad you are - eventually - feeling better.

    Spamar, I hope the weather improves for your visit to Cornwall!
     
  13. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,951
    Suffolk
    The forecast is better than we have been having, fingers are crossed!

    Ann and JM ((((((Hugs)))))). Hope everything continues to improve at a rapid rate!
     
  14. charlie10

    charlie10 Registered User

    Dec 20, 2018
    296
    @Ann Mac .....I usually hesitate to offer advice on this forum as I don't have actual experience with pwd but I do have a lot of experience of recalcitrant teenagers. My youngest wasn't as bad as yours (I don't think!) but her room was always ankle deep (literally....you couldn't see the carpet and took your life in your hands trying to navigate across the room)and she went thro a very upsetting 'entitled' stage with 'you've never wanted me's' etc thrown in...made more upsetting by the fact that not only was she the youngest but also a real Mummy's girl.

    She left home at 17 to go away to college.....about 500 miles away. We definitely weren't happy but she'd been seduced by excellent recruiting videos, so we let her go. I found it really hard not knowing what was happening, but, long story short, a few years later she is a lovely sensible young woman, polite, thoughtful, popular with everyone.,,,,and we are close again. I wouldn't mention the phrase about silk purses and ears but......;)

    So try to grit your teeth and not let her pull you into her shambolic life....keep chanting the mantra 'nothing stays the same' and take care of yourself (I know, easy to say but not easy to do :rolleyes:)
     
  15. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    3,701
    Morning everyone,

    Thank you, all of you, for listening to me moan and offering support (as always) xxx

    2Jays, you're actually 100% right about the adhd affecting the way we have responded at times, and it hasn't helped her (or us) in the long run. She can focus and concentrate, but its hard for her, and so she only makes the effort when its things that matter to her (like work) - it doesn't matter to her, however, if her room resembles a landfill site or if she has left a trail of debris behind her as she moves through the house that I've just spent hours cleaning! When it comes to her room, I guenuinely think that when we make her face the state of it, she is totally overwhelmed and has no idea how or where to start. At the same time, she hates anyone in her space (room) and so fights against and refuses any help we offer.

    Oldest has pointed out that youngest has developed a 'coping' stratagy of going straight into meltdown and attack, when faced with anything she doesn't like - be it critiscm, or requests to help or being told to clean her room. And we have chosen to avoid the meltdowns far more often that we should have done. Anything for a quiet life, at times, I guess. Which is how we have ended up in this situation. As Slugsta says, sometimes the quiet life has been more important and necessary for us that tackling her.

    Hi Charlie :) If she had been moving into college accomodation or uni halls, I would have actually welcomed it. Because that would be an environment where she could learn to be more independent, but with a safety net of support there too. Without some form of support to ease her from being cosseted at home to independance, I know its likely she will get herself into real problems, potentially serious ones - and thats the worry.

    We have had a better week with her - she has tried, but its the sort of stituation I described above. A large proportion of her belongings were spread across the landing area, whilst her room was being sorted - that bit of the house still looks like a junk shop. She has spent time 'sorting it', but watching her, she just doesn't know where to start. Sghe starts on one pile, sorting things out, but then gets distracted and moves onto something else - in the end, all she is doing is moving things around, and getting upset when its not getting any better. She's completely overwhelmed. So, despite her (for once rather muted) objections, today I am getting stuck in - she doesn't want help, but she clearly is struggling without it, so I'm not giving her the choice. I know its not fair, that she should do it herself, etc - but that isn't going to happen - she can cause chaos, but she can't sort it. The fact that she is working today, then off to a concert is a bonus for me - because if she isn't here, then I won't have to also put effort into walking on eggshells and avoiding another tantrum. The trick then is to make sure that once everything is under control, to not let the meltdowns stop us making her keep on top of it all and having it get to the stage where she can't sort it herself.

    Spamar - I hope you are having a lovely time in Cornwall - yesterday, temps hit 20 here, with lovely sunshine - fingers crossed you are getting similar, or even better!

    Yesterday was Mil's 78th birthday. She hasn't been too well these last few days - nothing definite, off her food, very sleepy and one episode of sickness, and the GP has now organised blood tests, as he is stumped too and can only agree with the staff and us when we say that she 'just isn't right' :( However, she did seem a bit brighter yesterday when OH and I went to see her. As is mostly the case now, she was in her room - she is rarely in the lounge at the moment, as over the last few weks, its been found that she quickly gets agitated in there. To my amazment, after weeks of me asking, the toy dog that had gone missing at Christmas had been found - and Mil spent a lot of the visit cuddling it, totally ignoring the previous favourite, a baby doll. Last Christmas, it was clear that she no longer has any idea what to do when presented with gift wrapped packages - no idea what they are, no idea what to do with them and even when shown, she couldn't work out how to unwrap anything. So yesterday I put the new tops and chocolates we had bought her into a simple gift bag. She lifted some of the gifts out, but 'told' the carer to 'do it' after just a few minutes and the only things that she showed any pleasure in were the small box of chocs and a bar of turkish delight - which she identified straight away, with a squeal of pleasure.

    We had lots of the 'help, help me cries' throughout the visit, and both OH and I ended up refusing to let her hold our hands, as she persisitently twisted and squeezed our fingers, very deliberately - she has a trick with me of fiddling with my engagement ring, so the stone is turned towards the next finger, and then she squeezes my fingers so the stone digs in - very painful, and as I said - very deliberate! She didn't seem to quite 'get' the idea that it was her birthday - although she did say a cuple of times that she was '17 today', mostly she seemed very bemused. When the staff carried in her birthday cake, and several gathered round to sing happy birthday, she sang along - but stumbled when it came to putting her own name into the song, that totally confused her. When asked to blow out the candles, she was again seemingly unable to work out what was being asked of her - and solved the dilemma by just shouting 'NO' in the carers face. Hard to make out a lot of what she said, but the word 'home' featured several times.

    Slightly - no, make that VERY - annoyed with oldest two, who didn't even send a card for their Nan. Oldest dau apologised profusely and within minutes of me saying, she text to say gifts were on there way. Son, I actually reminded last week - no idea what his excuse is. Youngest gave me money, and asked me if she could go 'shares' with our gifts to her - tbf, she had taken a trip into town, but came back saying that she really couldn't find anything Nan would like. I get that, completely - other than chocolates or fluffy socks, Mil doesn't seem interested in anything. We bought her tops more as something useful, rather than for her pleasure - she glanced at them, but then just handed them to the carer with no signs that they pleased her. As I said, she doen't 'get' the whole concept of presents now at all.

    Work - hmmmmm, best I don't go there. Suffice to say, over my hours already this week and still with a trip to mid-Wales for meetings tomorrow. Exhausted doesnt come close at the moment.

    Right - youngest has left and I am going to get stuck in.

    Love to all xxxxx
     
  16. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,062
    Female
    Chester
    definitely recognise that - although has got a lot less here - causes were stress and anxiety with root cause to that being the bullying and other factors - including the long illness - which both triggered loss of self confidence

    I hope you get the room tidied. I think it is something that has to be learned - and encouraging dau to tackle a small area at the time enabled her to move forward. She is now very pleased with her tidy room, can use it for yoga as there is floor, and there will also be less to bin in the summer as she had a big sort out as she went.

    I'm off to Cannock to meet up with Amy in the US today - so desperately trying to get chores done now
     
  17. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Ann, I'm sorry that MIL is out of sorts. So hard when there is nothing concrete to investigate/treat! Also very hard to think of things to get for her that she will enjoy, so I'm glad that they toy dog has been found.

    I would also be upset at the oldest ones forgetting Nana's birthday :mad: Our son never had any excuse for that as his and Mum's are the same date. He was less good with other Grandma, but she didn't bother with his birthday anyway . . .

    Yes, youngest has clearly got into the habit of attacking anything unpleasant. Possibly subconsciously, possibly deliberately, who knows! I think you are being pragmatic in getting her room sorted, as long as you then make it clear that you expect her to keep it reasonably tidy. I know our son went through that stage of being completely overwhelmed and not knowing where to start - I don't think it really improved until her left home. It always amazes me to see how tidy his own room in London is when 'his' room here quickly looks like a jumble-sale once he has arrived!

    When are you off on your hols? I know it can't be long now :)

    Spamar, I hope you are enjoying Cornwall.

    Jm, if you see this in time, please give my love to Amy. I am really sorry that I can't make it to any of the meetings :(

    I have some sort of bug again. Feel generally achy and 'off', have slightly sore throat, a tickly cough and no voice again. I'm very frustrated as my voice hadn't recovered properly from the previous laryngitis :( Anyhoo, I'm lucky in that I don't feel awful and I know this will pass eventually.
     
  18. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,951
    Suffolk
    Hi, here I am, back in circulation!

    Slugsta, sorry to hear you feeling rotten again. Hope it clears up soon!

    My cousins wife was urgent in that I have some new clothes, my trousers are all too long! She’s worried I might fall over! We drove miles only to find the shop had closed down! Cousin had bought a trumpet with slightly sticking valves, but the music guy couldn’t do it there and then! We found solace in a very nice lunch at a favourite pub!
    It was my cousins birthday on Monday, the family came for tea, but only high tea was on offer! ( they should have said, not just turned up!) Wednesday was his oldest granddaughters 14th birthday. Luckily she loved her present from me! I don’t think I’ve been in the company of so many children since oldest granddaughters 1st birthday! She has loads of cousins! Tomorrow is another of his granddaughter s birthday, she’s 8, I think glad I came home today!

     
  19. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Welcome home Spamar!
     
  20. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,062
    Female
    Chester
    Spamar - glad you had a good trip.

    slugsta - hope you are feeling better now

    We currently have no heating and after warm few days midweek, it was colder yesterday and even colder today here (max forecast temp was 9 even though it was sunny). At one point house thermostat said 15.5 deg C, but now front and back doors are shut it has gone up to 16.5. There was an leakage issue with valve joint where pump is fitted just above boiler, so both doors were open to drain radiators and boiler - when OH thought it was all working, something wasn't - it lots of water leaked out, through boiler area. Everything is back together, but OH has a fan on boiler to dry out electrics before he turns it back on.
     

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