1. chick1962

    chick1962 Registered User

    Apr 3, 2014
    near Folkestone
    I agree with canary as I am also in the south , south east to be precise. Not having a named GP is not always effective as they don't read the notes. Having a named one is hard too as sometimes you have to wait until they are back for results or they only work 2 or 3 times a day. We also have villages and towns without a GP surgery .

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  2. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Evening all,

    Ann, in your place I would be absolutely boiling over with anger and frustration about the meeting! :mad: As you say, it seems as if no one else has anything to do other than to sit and wait for them to decide they want to meet with you! I cannot see any reason why someone couldn't have told you last week that the meeting had been cancelled.

    I'm very glad you didn't go and sort out the IT issues, I'm pretty sure that you needed a rest more. Hope you are feeling much better now.

    What an upsetting visit for OH :( It must be awful for your mother to have no idea who you are. How strange that she seemed totally oblivious to the fact that she was in a bed attached to an IV rather than being 'at work' :confused: I do hope things improve once she is over the chest infection.

    Hubby is due back in about half an hour's time. I don't envy him on a ferry, it's been a bit rough here at times! I showed a young couple around the house this afternoon and they have put in an offer. It was a little lower than he hoped but we got back to them and they have increased it. I'm waiting till hubby is back so that we can decide together - but am pretty sure that we will accept it :)

    Mind you, I nearly didn't get home in time to meet the viewers. I had said I would take Mum out today (as I am on my own and cannot go over in the morning) and thought I had left myself more than enough time. What I hadn't anticipated was the hour I had to spend cleaning Mum up before we could go out.

    The first sign of problems was some suspicious looking marks on her carpet. Then I went and found Mum (in her friend's flat), got her coat on and then, belatedly, sent her to the loo. When she came out, she had faeces all over her coat. And fleece. And top. And hands . . . I couldn't get the shower in her flat to work, and couldn't take her down the hall in the nuddy, so had to do the clean up with baby wipes and a soapy flannel.

    When we did get out, the traffic was terrible and the garden centre packed. I found it very hard to sit quietly and let Mum take her time, it wasn't her fault I was in a hurry (we haven't told her we are thinking of moving). I had to skip my proposed visit to LIDL on the way back and got home just 10 minutes before the viewers (they were early). Good job I had left the place tidy before I went out!

    Ah, hubby is just coming in through the front door, better go and look as if I have missed him :D
  3. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    #6263 Ann Mac, Oct 17, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2016
    Morning all,

    We really were spoilt to have such a great GP service for so long, weren't we? We had the odd snooty receptionist (though they never seemed to stay for long, TBH) but I can't fault any of our regular GP's. After seeing and experiencing the impact and the stress of having to deal with so many locum consultant psychiatrists for Mil, over the last year or so before she was admitted, unless these locum GP's do read the notes properly, I can't see how the service can be anything but poorer under the new system - part of the issue was that the locums Mil saw obviously didn't read her notes and treatment they prescribed was on the basis of a 10 minute chat with OH and I, and a very brief meet with Mil. And as a direct result, Mil ended up over-medicated and (according to this latest consultant) mis-diagnosed :( So the idea of a system that relies on locums for our surgery doesn't exactly inspire me with confidence.

    I am angry over the cancelled meeting, Slugsta - especially as the SW could have visited Mil on the medical ward to do the capacity assessment - and that's if it was even needed. Mil did have a capacity assessment with a SW when she was put under the section 3, so apparently, that bit at least shouldn't have needed to be repeated. The rest of the 'procedure' doesn't require her presence (because she has been deemed already to not have capacity, apparently) so there is no reason why it couldn't have gone ahead. I know that all these people do important jobs, I know that they are busy - but a quick call to let me know something like that isn't too much to ask, I don't think :(

    Oh, I feel for you, trying to do a clean-up operation with just the wipes and flannel, Slugsta - had to do that with Mil, in public loo's, on the day of my oldests B.A, grad, and its a nightmare situation :( Not fun cleaning carpets, after an accident like that, either - we only have carpet on the hall, stairs and landing, but a few times, Mil managed to tread poo into the landing carpet and it was a back-breaking job to get it clean and fresh again.

    Great news on the offer on the house though - fingers and toes tightly crossed hoping everything goes through smoothly for you :)

    OH visited Mil again on Saturday. She veered between him being her brother again (and called him by her brothers name) and him being called by the right name, but her being convinced he was her grandson. And she was still at 'work' - oblivious again to the busy ward, to what was going on around her, to the fact she was wearing nightclothes and still on the drip - she was busy folding a pile of the disposable dry wipes that the hospital use instead of flannels. Friday night was supposed to be her last lot of IV antibiotics, but they told OH that she was still showing signs of infection, so they were giving her more. It is very odd that she is just not taking on board her surroundings. OH says its not that she is actually hallucinating a different environment, more that she is focused in on her 'work' (folding the tissues/wipes) and simply unaware that her surroundings don't 'match' what she believes she is doing and where she believes she is. She interacts with nurses who speak to her or come near, just as she interacts with OH - but mainly its all about her concentrating on her 'job'. She isn't at all agitated, or at least not that OH has seen or been told, so that is one blessing at least.

    We didn't go yesterday as we had arranged to go visit oldest in Coventry - partly just to see her, partly to take more of her belongings from my 'office' - 4 drawers in a storage unit crammed with cuddly toys, books, scarves, ornaments, photographs and masses of paperwork - and as I have no idea what is important or not amongst the paperwork, I wasn't going to go through it! So unit, drawers and all were taken down to her, along with a Christmas tree she had left here and a box of decorations! Its a little more space created anyway :rolleyes: She lives right on the side of a very pretty canal, so we went for a little walk, and then out for lunch, before OH and I headed back here about 4pm. Youngest had stayed home as she had a birthday bash to go to, she had left for the party by the time we got back and we found a sink full of dishes, the front door unlocked and both the heating and the front room fire full on :mad: We also found our old boy, Busta-dog, not very well - which saved dau the row that might have otherwise ensued! Not being sick, no sign of an actual tummy upset, and no temp, but walking so slowly, not interested in food and having to be persuaded to drink :( Its suddenly like he has become a very, very old man - which, at 14 and a half, I guess he is - but he is usually so active and puppy like. He's been to the loo this morning, and I've persuaded him to have a drink, and he's now snuggled up asleep again, on the little sofa next to me. OH has a work course this morning, if there is no improvement in Busta by the time he is back, we'll take him to the vets - worried sick about him, just can't bear the thought of losing him :(

    No plans today - there's a laundry basket of washing to plow through, and I'm expecting the last of the office furniture to be delivered, and that's about it. Having told the boss I'm not available today, I may as well focus on bits of housework and just pootling.

    Hope all of you are OK, Grace - are you takin git easy? And Amy - has your Mum settled OK? JM, hows your daughter doing? Spamar, hope you've recovered properly from the long drive now? xxx

    Have a good day all xxxxx
  4. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    A brief update!

    Phone call number 1 - from the care home. They have a place for Mil and are going to go and assess her this week - and THIS time, I've very plainly said that subject to assessment, I want Mil to have the place.

    Phone call number 2 - from the hospital to say that Mil is so much better, she is being transferred back to the EMH.

    Phone call number 3 - from me to the SW team, saying that there is a vacancy, and that as the non-complicance with procedure was down to the hospital, that everything needs to be sorted asap, as I will not be happy if she loses this placement. I've given them 2 dates that I can be available for, and made it clear that I expect the meetings to take place on one of those dates.

    Can things actually being going well, do you think?????
  5. CeliaW

    CeliaW Registered User

    Jan 29, 2009
    Fingers crossed! x
  6. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Good morning, all. Hope everyone is well and had as good a weekend as possible.

    Slugsta, I am sorry you had such a time cleaning up your mum on your own. Glad you were able to make it home (if barely) before the showing. I can well understand you must have felt pressured, frustrated, and/or anxious about the timing, and the cleaning and the traffic just don't help at all. Maybe these buyers will work out? Please let us know what happens.

    Ann, another person here who is seriously irritated on your behalf about the cancelled meeting, as well as the ward's inability to locate and sort out MIL's clothing and so forth.

    Mostly, though, I'm very sorry to hear MIL needs more IV antibiotics; I was hoping (as I'm sure you and everyone else here were) that she'd be able to kick this infection quickly. However, I'm reassured to hear she isn't agitated. I hear you that her inability to process her surroundings is very odd and no doubt disconcerting for you and OH when you see her. It is frankly more than a little surreal, even with experience with dementia, and I'm not surprised that it would be shocking. I can only wonder if any of it is related to the infection and/or the antibiotics, but of course it's impossible to really know.

    Also very distressed to hear about the dog. Sending good wishes.

    No comment on the state in which your daughter left the house!

    It's great you were able to visit eldest and clear some stuff out of the office space (two for one). I remember when I moved away after what we call college and you call uni, and my dad (I was living with him at the time) made me clean up/clear out/take with me, all of my "stuff" from the house. I must have been, what, 22 or 23? I remember feeling very offended that I couldn't just leave it there and he told me kindly but firmly that it was my stuff and I was responsible for it and he wasn't just going to store it rent-free forever and someday I would understand. Well, I haven't any children of my own, but I have cousins who are now in their 30s and my aunt and uncle still have a lot of their "stuff" at their house, because my aunt and uncle never made their kids clear it out. So, Dad, if you can hear me, you were right!

    The irony of course being that now I have a basement full of my mother's stuff that needs to be sorted and dealt with. Didn't see that one coming, but I should have.

    So it's now been about ten days since my mother moved into the memory care unit. OH and I went to see her Saturday, and to take more things. I saw that they had found some of her towels, but we left the new ones anyway. We found a little side table to put to the right of her loveseat, so that there's a place either end to put a drink or the remote or whatever (thank goodness for the Internet), and we had socks and snacks and other bits and pieces for her.

    Miss T was in my mother's room, and they were sitting on the loveseat and (maybe) watching telly (it was on, but who knows). Miss T had a cold and didn't remember us (sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn't, but increasingly doesn't) and looked a little frail. I know I only see her in hostess mode but she's very sweet. Whatever sort of dementia or memory problems she has definitely are progressing, I'm sorry to say.

    My mother was pleased to see us but definitely a bit edgy. She was happy about the socks and bits and the snacks that we brought her but reeled off a long list of things she wanted or needed, so we clearly hadn't taken her enough snacks to get her to her comfort baseline level. (Never mind that they get three meals a day, plus three designated and official snack times/tea and coffee times per day, plus anytime they want something to eat, they can help themselves from the nurses' station, and there are always beverages on the go. She has to have stuff in her room, or else she will starve, says she. She has gained more weight, so I know she's not starving! This is better than underweight by a mile.) Interestingly, she did not request to be taken out to get them, as she often does.

    What we did get was some mild (for her) complaints about the new room. You can well imagine I was cringing inside to hear this. See where I am, says she. Look at the size of the place. It's all right as far as it goes but it's small. They said there was a problem with the old room, I don't know what, but you can't believe what they say. She was maybe on her way to the old "why am I here, you've dumped me, this place is horrible" rant but we were mostly able to deflect it, although she returned again and again to complaining about the size. Well, there's no way around it, the room is much smaller. OH has done a bang-up job fitting in everything she needs and wants, and it's a cozy fit, to be sure, but he has made it work. The staff were very clear that we needed to make sure her loveseat and her little fridge would fit in the room, and that she and Miss T needed to be able to sit on the loveseat and see the television, and so we managed that. There isn't room in Miss T's room for them to both sit and they are used to being in and out of each other's rooms all day.

    There were also a lot of comments about "we haven't learned our way around this place yet" and a lot of muddled references to "the other place we lived" and a lot of confabulations. I expected that.

    My mother was able to recall some more recent memories (where and when I met OH), which was interesting, as those haven't seemed to be present for some time. She later picked up a photo of her grandparents and spun me a very confabulated tale with elements from that meeting and an anniversary party for her grandparents (whom she correctly identified in the photo) and in the story she was wearing at that party, what I wore in a friend's wedding about 20 years ago when I met OH, but it wasn't distressing. But that's the first I've heard, in a long time, of anything more recent than the 1970s.

    At one point I was quaking in my boots as I was sure a tirade of wrath was about to come down. My mother pulled OH out into the hall and I continued to chat with Miss T on the sofa. She was clearly complaining about something to OH and she turned to look at me and she had that "face like a smacked b*m" or pursed expression, that everyone here knows so well and knows precedes abuse. I heard her say I was too loud, and other things I couldn't make out and oh, ugh. I thought perhaps she was jealous or upset I was paying attention to Miss T, although I would also get in trouble if I didn't (because that's rude, you know). I asked OH about it afterwards and he said, oh, don't worry, your mother was only joking. OH is generally very good with all the dementia stuff but I am pretty sure, dear, that my mother was NOT kidding, and she was clearly very upset about something. But whatever it was, he either distracted her or it was soon forgotten. He often, I think, spares my feelings by not telling me unpleasant things she says about me (as he visits her without me) and I am okay with that. Better for my blood pressure.

    We weren't there very long before my mother started her "what else are you doing today/where do you need to be" routine, which seems to be her signal for us to go. It's never clear if she knows we live nearby or if she's thinking we've driven 100 miles to see her and "need to get on the road." We try to leave pretty smartly after she starts this line of questioning as otherwise she can get agitated.

    My mother did say that "lunch or dinner out would be nice" and OH and I will have to think about that. It's so difficult to know if it's a good idea or not. Six months ago, yes, but now I'm not sure, even if we go somewhere nearby and keep it quick. I almost think it would be better just to go for a drive in the car and then maybe ice cream or coffee and cake; this is where I wish for the garden centre as it would be perfect.

    The reports from the staff all say that my mother seems to be settling okay, but nothing specific.

    I still have some missing things to sort out, and still haven't gotten any information about how things work in the memory care unit (laundry, cleaning, incoming mail, things like that). I think some of my mother's medications have been changed and have questions about that (they used to always inform me but I've derived this information from the billing statements). I would also like to review the care plan and so forth, as this hasn't been done in well over a year. I never want to be a nuisance, but am feeling like I don't know anything, and that makes me more anxious.

    I'm having a lot of anxiety about a financial/legal situation I'm needing to sort out, and I know that, plus the recent move, are all bleeding together and ugh.

    Please, none of you are obliged to comment on any of the above, if you even managed to read it, which you're also not obligated to do. I just needed to get it off my chest.

    I have to move along so many thanks and good wishes to everybody on here, and hope everyone is well!
  7. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Ann, just finished my massive post and have seen your update!

    Number 1: hooray for the care home assessment. Yes, take the spot!!!

    Number 2: SO glad MIL is doing better with the infection. Yes, get her off the medical ward, please!

    Number 3: Way to tell them, Ann, and don't take no for an answer.

    Sending buckets and buckets of all possible good wishes!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  8. Grace L

    Grace L Registered User

    Jun 14, 2014
    NW UK
    Ann, Good luck from me too. I hope it all goes well with MiL.

    Poor old Busta, I hope the vet can give him a boost injection or something that will perk him up.
    My sister took her ol dog to the vets a few months ago, thinking the worst was not far away.
    Dog is fighting fit now, not sure what it was that made it look like she was so poorly.
    They had even looked on line at getting a new (rescue) dog to keep their other dog company.

    Slugsta .... fingers crossed the sale goes through. xxxx
    Sorry to hear about your mum and cleaning up accidents, I remember what they are like.

    Ignoring a few phone calls, I guess they are from family.
    My niece says they want to call a family meeting to talk about MiL.

    Taking it very easy with my walking. I'm surrounded by trees, Not liking all the fallen leaves, very slippy.
    Squirrels have been having a field day with burying conkers on our front lawn.
    It used to look so manicured, could be worse , I guess we could have a mole invasion !

    Hospital tomorrow. Physio and stairs / steps practice. Didn't like stars before my knee Op.

    Thinking of the rest of you on TP xxxx
  9. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    Ann, good luck with the care home placement, I hope all goes to plan xxx.
  10. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Grace, hope the physio for the stairs et cetera goes as well as possible. Watch out for those slippery leaves!!
  11. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Ignore those phone calls
  12. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Evening all,

    Ann, firstly I am sending huge 'get well' vibes for busta-dog ~~~~ I know what a worry our older canine/feline companions can be and really hope the vet has been able to get him right again.

    Secondly, I am delighted that it seems there is a place now for MIL and that she is well enough to go. Well done for standing up to them about meetings, a bit of assertiveness can go a long way :)

    As to your youngest, what a silly girl she was :mad: I'm afraid that teenagers often become very self-centered, contrary to their upbringing. Most of them do eventually become useful members of society but it is a tough stage while you are enduring it!

    Grace, I totally agree with the advice to ignore the outlaws! I know that you feel a sense of responsibility towards MIL on your late husband's behalf but you really have done more than any reasonable person could expect. Please take care of that knee.

    Amy, ramble away if it helps! It's understandable that the room move would unsettle your mum - but it's far easier to say that than to live it! It sounds as if your OH is very good with your mum, good for him :) How ironic that you now have a basement full of your mum's possessions :rolleyes:

    We have a lot of our son's old stuff in the loft, where it has been doing no harm. However, we will not be able to take much with us if/when we move. Son has asked that we keep duck and teddy, his very early cuddly toys (duck was a gift from my father, who died many years ago) but. other than that, we will have to be pretty brutal. I have said I will keep a box file of his school work, reports etc but no more.

    Hubby has just ebayed our collection of 'pocket dragons'. They are not worth much now but it is better than just throwing them away, they will help buy some curtains or suchlike for any new place. I am a bit sad as some of them were bought to commemorate special events - but they are currently just lurking in the cabinet and never looked at, so they are not earning the space they take up. There will be a lot more stuff that has to go, one way or another.

    I had an appointment in Southampton with my neurosurgeon today. My device has been re-reprogrammed and my surgeon is hopeful that I will get some benefit eventually. I am less sure but am very happy to try everything possible now that the device is implanted.

    The weather has been very mixed here - still quite mild during the day but chilly morning and evenings. We have also had a lot of rain at times - hubby says it was a bit rough coming back across the channel yesterday evening!

    Spamar, I hope that your breathing is easier now that the weather has cooled.

    JM, hope that your daughter really is improving.

    Love to all.
  13. Katrine

    Katrine Registered User

    Jan 20, 2011
    It's about time Grace. Good to hear that they want to start pulling together. :rolleyes:

    There's no need for them to involve you in their family arrangements, other than to thank you for your friendship and kindness, and to wish you all the best for the future. If you get caught by a doorstepping outlaw, use deflection. When they criticise your situation, or your actions, respond as if they are talking about themself:

    Things can't go on like this
    I'm sure you'll work it out between you.

    We don't think it's right for you to be living all on your own
    Thank you for being so considerate.

    When are you going to be back to normal?
    You don't need to worry about me.

    You'll recover much quicker if you get back to your usual routine. I'll pick you up tomorrow and take you to MIL's house.
    That won't be possible, but thanks for the kind thought.

    It's time you did your share
    Yes, I understand you think that.

    You don't seem to understand how much MIL needs to see you
    Yes, I understand you think that.

    It's your turn to have MIL for Christmas
    Yes, I understand you think that.

    You're not pulling your weight. MIL needs you.
    Yes, I understand you think that.

    When you visit, it wouldn't hurt for you to ring us to let us know how MIL is getting on.
    Yes, I understand you think that.
  14. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
  15. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    West Midlands

    and I would add get a parrot so that by the time you get fed up of saying the same thing over and over, the parrot could say it for you :D

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  16. Grace L

    Grace L Registered User

    Jun 14, 2014
    NW UK
    Thanks Katrine :):) Good answers. I am doing my best to avoid the in/out laws. I think then have a 'cunning plan' ... for me and MiL.

    When I give a non/ smart answers to SiLs questions, it sometimes goes over her head.
    There is a pause, a look of confusion, then recognition that I am being 'a smart alec'..
    Then a harrumph .... and I get 'told off' for being cheeky :)
  17. Katrine

    Katrine Registered User

    Jan 20, 2011
    That proves you've been effective in deflection! The aim is to maintain a barrier against all aspects of the other person's agenda, and to avoid sharing any personal information. If SIL looks confused and cross, and calls you cheeky, she is now on the back foot and has 'lost ground'. Result! :D

    You are now in control. You can choose to:
    Show a carefully blank face (neutral)
    Smile or laugh (provocative)
    Say "mind how you go / close the gate behind you..." (reminding her whose territory she's on).

    Remember, the more awkward, uncooperative, thick-skinned and cheeky (i.e. assertive) you are, the better for you. These outlaws are change-averse self-centred ostriches by nature, so it's taken them a long while to wake up and realise that something's changed with you. They don't know what to do, so they're trying to re-establish the old caring scenario, in the face of all the evidence that shows why this isn't possible.

    Well done you. Keep it up! Your physical recovery is the most important thing. It's obvious that you already know this because you are less and less affected by the antics of the outlaws. However, they are so staggeringly presumptuous and patronising, that it's easy to get caught out by the next outrageous statement.
  18. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    I think your answer should be a sublimely innocent look and Cheeky? Me? Oh no!
  19. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    #6279 Amy in the US, Oct 18, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2016
    Katrine, I absolutely love, love, love, your posts. May I hire you, please????

    With permission, I will borrow the "yes, I understand you think that" response, please.

    I think that "so staggeringly presumptuous and patronising" and "outrageous statement" perfectly describe Grace's outlaws.

    You've made me laugh, which has made my day! Thank you!
  20. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Great responses Katrine :D

    Grace, it might be permissible to tell off a child, or maybe a lesser ranked employee, for being 'cheeky' but that is not to treat one's peers. I think this shows the way the outlaws think of your status!

    Ann, I do hope that things are going well for you.

    We have some flat viewings fixed up over the next week or so, I am find it quite difficult to keep track of everything!

    Our buyer visited again today. I was concerned that he might see problems they overlooked the first time but he seems even more keen. He is a quantity surveyor and has great plans for the house whereas his wife wants to get her hands on the garden! I know some vendors get upset when they hear buyers planning to make changes but I'm delighted to think that someone else is going to enjoy the house :) However, I am aware that 'there's many a slip twixt cup and lip'.

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