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Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Ann Mac, Jul 31, 2014.
Ann, I have a suggestion that may help...☺ xx
I love it Celia!
Not fully caught up and need to get to bed.
Forgot mum had a memory clinic appt today, booking 6 months in advance not ideal, rebooked in now (friend at work gave me grief for forgetting a memory clinic appt )
One of mum's carers phoned - they want me to take her to GP re scratches, they were a lot better when I went last week, and guess they are infected now, need to phone her GP but can only really do Thursdays and work is manic now. Just didn't need it.
Dau raced National race yesterday, not good but not bad, she enjoyed it which is really good. Making a big effort to eat lots of food with iron in, haem and non- heam - Figs are being gobbled by both kids, steaks last night black pudding tonight (one of dau's favourites) - we are all meat eaters.
I've had another sleepless night, not with pain from my knee, but MiL worries.
Amy thank you for your comments, its fine, no upset caused. I agree.
I am staying strong, keeping to my word, MiL WILL NOT be coming here to live with me.
Nor will she 'when the time comes' be deposited in an EMI near me.
A move is 100% definitely on the cards for me. Its going to be difficult to find something similar.
I was talking to my sister at the weekend, and she said when I move back down South,
'we will have you speaking with a Cornish accent before you know it.
Physio is pleased with me. Not so pleased that I took a 'wee drive' and didn't ring to tell her.
It was only to my little parade of shops down the road, not into town.
You can park in front, not a great deal of 'walking', and I only bought what I could carry in my shoulder bag.
Going into hospital next week to practice steps/ stairs , as living in a flat I don't have any.
Spamar, glad you are home safely. Hope you don't ache too much today from all that driving.
Ann, I've been trying to catch up with your new job. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it continues to go well for you.
I am thinking of the rest of you... but there is sooo much to read and catch up on.
OOO I forgot to say....
As she was leaving SiL 'doubled back' and came to he doorstep, and said .....
'You know when you get back it visiting MiL, it would do you no harm in giving 'us all' a ring after your visits, to let us know how she is. She then stomped off.
I said ... UUUh, what about YOU actually getting of your backside and visiting her yourself !!
She was fuming and didn't reply, but I knew she heard me by the look on her face.
Have a good day xx
Lol Celia - I may give that excuse a try!
To be fair, OH stayed up all Sunday night, in prep for going on shift on Monday night, and he got through most of the washing and ironing, cleaned the kitchen and dining room and brushed, mopped and polished all downstairs - so relieved to see it all done, Monday morning - especially as he still isn't feeling 100%.
Spamar - glad you are home OK, and hope you have recovered from that long drive, hun xxxx
Slugsta, about 12 months before Mil moved in, we went through a phase of her phoning us and claiming to be 'very ill' - we would go flying down there, and she would often be quite open about the fact that she had only said that to get us to visit "being as you haven't been near me for weeks and I could do with some company, you know!" - she would have forgotten that we had visited the day before, or that we had already arranged that we would be taking her shopping the day after. It got to the stage where we would occasionally call her bluff and tell her we couldn't get down - if she then turned nasty and abusive, accusing us of ignoring her, or avoiding her, or abandoning her - we knew it was a ruse, and we wouldn't go. Oddly, if she was guneuinely poorly, she would be upset but not nasty and that would be our cue to get down to her. But, as you say, even when you KNOW that a visit isn't really essential, the old GM still gives you a hard time
I'd love to know where all the missing items manage to vanish too, Amy ! Mil is missing so much stuff - including a lot of bra's, half a dozen pairs of trousers and some brand new nightwear I'm assuming that the missing stuff has gone home with another patient, TBH - based on how often I find other's clothes mixed up with Mil's washing (4 pairs of knickers today, 2 tops last time!) I reckon it could well be the answer
Glad your girl enjoyed her race, JM - hoping that her enjoying it so much means she feels a lot better. I was lucky that Mil loved a lot of iron rich food - liver, red meat, cabbage, sprouts, leeks - it helped reduce the need for the tablets.
I've applied the 'work to rule' to my youngest, in a way notsogooddtr! So sick of her not bringing washing down, that I've said I will go into her room to remove towels - but will leave everything else and she can also do her own ironing. She did an amazing impression of a right 'Kevin' when I told her But, yes - I have enough on my plate at the moment and I am feeling very overwhelmed.
IT stuff going slowly but surely - some hitches and glitches, hoping to have all ironed out by Thursday, when I have the whole day to start on the admin side. I've kept copious notes and tips very carefully, so have fingers crossed that I won't find it too hard to sort everything.
Now the bad news. We have had a massive set back. Wasn't able to speak to anyone who knew anything about the assessment or the home, at the hospital yesterday (Still full of a rotten cold so can't actually go in) so rang this morning. Got given the message that the home have said they won't be coming out at the moment - as they have no beds available I rang the home and the manager said that a 'colleague' had assessed another potential resident before she had had chance to go and see Mil - and given the bed to this other person. She added that there was 'never any guarantee' that the bed would be Mils. I was furious, but stayed reasonably polite and said that obviously both I and my husband had misunderstood - from our conversation with her, we had both thought that subject to assessment, we had said we would definitely take that place for Mil. She apologised (fat lot of good that flipping does!) and told me that she was sorry we had 'thought' that, but that she was afraid that they didn't have a bed at the moment, and basically, as all her residents are currently in good health, she didn't know when she would have a place for Mil.
I was just lost for words. And I haven't really a clue what to do. As promised, i phoned the hospital and I'm afraid I lost it a bit - I said if it wasn't too much trouble (and yes, the sarcasm was obvious) please could someone get a message to whoever Mil's current social worker is and tell him or her that we would actually really like the support that we were told we would get from Social Workers at the discharge meeting? You know - to help us find her a suitable place that preferably didn't mean a 3 hour round trip to just visit her? If it wouldn't be too much trouble for a social worker to actually ring? And advise? Like they are paid to do?
OH doesn't yet know - as I said, he is still feeling rough, and went to bed after finishing a shift, before I rang the hospital and the home. Dreading telling him - he has said that he has felt such relief since we 'got' that bed for her - only now we haven't 'got' anything and are back to square one
Meanwhile, called briefly at the hospital after this mornings meetings, and was given one bulging full bag, and one not quite so full bag of washing - thankfully, wet stuff bagged separately within the main bag - but, as I said, containing undies that don't belong to Mil. It was a real effort not to get on the phone and scream - but if I had, I know it would have been more to do with frustration and anger at the home business, than to do with the laundry - so I've resisited temptation.
Right - lunch break over - back to emails and trying to find my way around the admin side.
Take care everyone x
For anyone who needs it
And a safer way to get rid of stress as its virtual
Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
>>>Winebulance<<< does free immediate local delivery.
OMG, how can they do such things, and then say they are sorry you misunderstood!! And what can you do about it? Well, take 2jays and nitrams advice!! What a way to run a home, left hand and right hand doesn't come into it!
I am just do sorry for you and Mr Mac, he will be so devastated!
Ann - it must feel like the rug has been pulled from under you, given how much you liked the home. To get your hopes up and then dash them seems very poor management. I presume you are keeping MIL on a waiting list at the home, as a place may come up for many reasons.
On the plus side, at least MIL is relatively settled and safe in the hospital for now.
Ann, re the washing, personally, I'd be tempted, when collecting it to say "right, hang on. We're going to go through this right here, and I'm only taking MIL' s clothes." - and hand them back anything that isn't her's, there and then!
Spamar, hope you are OK and not suffering after your long drive.
(((Grace))) I'm so sorry that MIL issues deprived you of sleep Your SIL really does have a nerve, doesn't she? The sooner you are away from that area, the better!
JM, I'm very glad that your lass enjoyed her race and hope that is a sign that she is generally getting better.
Amy, I hope you are able to get a bit of time to yourself now that your Mum has moved into her new room.
(((Ann))) it's hard to believe that anyone could go through all this and still keep their sanity! That you have retained not only your sanity but also your sense of fairness says much for you. However, we here are very aware that you are not quite Wonder Woman and know how these things drag you down. I'm so sorry that you have had another knock back and that the NH got your hopes up in this way, only to dash them again
Well done Mr Ann for getting to grips with the cleaning! I know that he works long hours and was unwell, so her deserves a gold star for that. I do think you are right in getting your daughter to do her share. I believe your 'job' is to bring her up to stand on her own feet, not to do everything for her.
Hubby went off to France with his friend yesterday evening and will be back on Sunday. It's a regular autumn trip for them and I really enjoy my time Home Alone. Alfie and Sky appreciate the extra room on the bed too I haven't told Mum that he is away - otherwise she would suggest that I should spend more time with her 'so that you don't get lonely'! She has spent some decades living alone and doesn't realise just how much I value time and space to myself.
Sending much love to everyone, including those I didn't mention above. I don't want to risk an exhaustive list for fear of upsetting someone I miss!
Regarding the washing, Ann, I'd be tempted to do a LOT of things. Sorry you're still having so much annoyance with that.
I wonder if I can franchise the Winebulance here in the States?
Ann, I'm so sorry about the placement at the home and the idiocy surrounding it all. Even if was just a misunderstanding/miscommunication, in your place, I would feel absolutely gutted. I haven't any brilliant advice (other than what you know, get her on the waiting list pronto, you never know when a bed will come available).
It's fine you called the hospital and chewed them out! They won't change what they do, if nobody ever gives them feedback. They still may not, but at least you tried.
Ann, I know Mister Mac will be upset, but he is unlikely to shoot the messenger. It's not your fault, not that it's comforting to hear that, because none of what any of us are dealing with is our fault, and yet we still have to bear the brunt of it.
Sending you many (((((hugs))))) and all sorts of good wishes. And a visit from the IT fairy! She will beat her microchip-encrusted wings, alight daintily on your monitor, and all will be magically fixed, faster than you can count "1, 2, 3" in binary code! And if she doesn't show up, a visit from the Winebulance. Red, white, or fizzy?
p.s. would it help if we took a survey of when we all started doing our own laundry, to prove to your daughter that she's not the only one on the planet who has to look after her own things? Probably not, since teenagers seem to lack the "perspective" part of their frontal lobe, but I'm sure it's tempting. Do you suppose she'll have an attitude breakthrough the first time something she wants to wear isn't clean because she hasn't done her washing? Or just a fit?
Amy, I don't know if you are aware that teenagers' frontal lobes are not well developed? It is a genuine reason for some of their behaviour as the frontal lobe is involved with judgement, impulse control, problem solving and much more!
My mum, who specialised in passive aggression and martyrdom, stopped doing my laundry when I was 14. Fair enough, but she didn't tell me. I discovered one day that I had no clean clothes and when I went to look in the laundry basket in the bathroom I found clothes that I had put in there over the past 2 weeks.
I knew washing had been done that week because I was expected to peg it out and take it in, as and when needed. No Kevin behaviour would have been tolerated. If you were told to fetch in the washing, or put it in the airing cupboard, you did it. Or rather I did it. My brothers were not expected to do women's work.
I asked my mum why my washing hadn't been done. "It's high time you did your own, I just wanted to see how long it was before you noticed." See, fires of burning resentment had obviously been smouldering for some while, but wouldn't it have been easier just to discuss it?
When I was young, last year, or a few years ago.....
I only had four outfits to wear. One on, one in the wash, one in the cupboard and one for best
No way could I not put my washing out
Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
D'you know, 2jays I was thinking recently that I seem to have a lot more clothes than when I was younger. Even when a young working mum. I think even in the 1980s, people just didn't have so many changes of clothes.
Ann,you can't go on like this,something has to give.Make it the laundry,let hospital do it.You naturally want to maintain the standards you had at home but things are different now,you have a job for goodness sake and quite a demanding one at that.And you are still the one going the phoning,is there any reason your husband can't do it?I know he's working but so are you.I know he's not been well but neither have you.And please don't be too grateful for help with housework,you're not the only person who lives in your home do it's not all your responsibility.Far be it from me to tell you how to run your life but I feel exhausted just reading about it.And just to add to the stress the home start playing silly b.....s.On a lighter note,a classic from my husband 'I've done that ironing FOR YOU'Said ironing consisted of seven men's shirts!!
Just as long as the thing that gives, isn't Ann
Spent half an hour typing out a post and the whole darn site crashed, and lost it all
notsogooddtr, OH works up to 5 night shifts a week, and has to sleep, so is often in bed during the office hours that most organisations keep, meaning it makes more sense for me to handle phone calls and the like. I've had the 'I've done the ironing for you' type comment in the past, but to be fair, this last week or so, he really has tried to take his share of the chores, and as he tends to be up until the wee small hours, even when not working, he has been getting stuck into a lot of jobs. As for the hospital doing the laundry - the machine on the ward that is used to wash patients clothes seems to be broken an awful lot of the time - hence us often seeing patients either dressed in hospital issue pj's or ill fitting 'spares' during the day. Mil sometimes seems oblivious to this - but at other times, she has commented on what a 'sight' other patients look when she see's them dressed like that. There is no guarantee as to how she will react if she ended up having to wear these pj's or 'spares' - she might be OK, or she might be really distressed by it. She has enough 'distress' to cope with, with the dementia - Iguess by doing her washing, I'm just trying to spare her any avoidable extra misery
Katrine, our Mum's seem similar! Growing up, from aged 9, it was with my two sisters, Mum, step dad number 1, and my younger half sister and brother. Mum referred to us kids as 'those 3 and my two' - which gives you some idea of her priority and attitude. Like you, we (3 older girls) were expected to take on a lot of chores from an early age - and once I got a part time job at 14 (earning £13 a week), I was also expected to hand over £4 a week for keep, and put 2 x 50p in the electricity a week, to cover hot water for my baths and electricity for washing my clothes! From that point, I was also told that I would now have buy all my own clothes (including school uniform) and toiletries. Even my youngest half sister is still disgusted and affected by how Mum treated us - she said, a few months back, that its been pretty much instinctive when its come to dealing with her own kids and different situations, to think 'What would Mum have done?' - and then do the opposite! And I've done the same - which may well have meant that at times, I've not been as strict about my kids doing their share, as I should have been.
Yep - I generally had my uniform, a couple of casual outfits, and a 'going out' outfit, 2jays and LadyA - which was fine till I got to about 14/15 and started to realise that a lot of friends at youth club (for example) had several changes of clothes, and it made me very self concious about wearing the same outfit everytime I went out (I seem to remember that for a long time, my 'going out' outfit, was a fluffy bat wing white jumper and a pair of very tight black cords ). I've always tended to randonly buy odd items for my kids as I've seen them when shopping - a pack of socks here, a t shirt or two there, or a pair of jeans. They most definitely have way more clothes than I had through a lot of my early teen years!
I love the idea of a 'winebulance' - its a business that would defintiely be well used by us carer's
Amy, not worried that OH would 'shoot the messenger' as such - its just that I realised, once we thought we had found somewhere suitable for Mil, just how much he had been worrying about the whole thing. A load really did lift for him when he thought we had it all in hand for her - I was more worried about it stressing him out, to be honest. He was livid when I told him - like myself, he is in no doubt that we actually didn't 'misunderstand' anything (I was glad to get his confirmation on that, because I had wondered if I had misheard what was said to us) - after we had spoken to the manager, and been shown round, and having read the inspection reports and reviews before going there, we very definitely said to her that we would like the vacant room for Mil. Her response was 'Right - so you would like me to go an assess her?' - we confirmed this, and filled in some paperwork, giving her contact info and info on Mil. At no point did she say that there was a chance that someone else would be given the room - she just said that the assessment would have to be done first. That's it. Both OH and I thought that it was a done deal, as long as the assessment went OK. We wre evidently wrong - and whether this is common practice (care home version of gazumping?) or as a result of a mistake on their part, we just don't know. I phoned the hospital social work team, finally have the name of Mil's Social Worker and left a message for her to contact me - wouldn't you know it, she rang whilst I was upstairs, putting away clean towels, and by the time I realised there was a message left, she had apparently gone home! I'll ring again this morning.
JM - the home had told us that they don't operate a waiting list 'as such' - its a case of ringing up regualrly to see if there are vacancies. And yep - having the rug pulled is a very apt description.
Grace, sorry - I missed you out yesterday! Hoping you have been able to catch up with your sleep, hun and don't feel so stressed about Mil now xxx
Slugsta, glad you're enjoying your 'Home alone' time
IT stuff slowly but surely getting sorted - whooo hooo - can now access my emails on my work phone and the laptop! Hoping to get some other issues sorted today, as I'm meeting my line manager for my 'one to one', at the nearest IT support place, so should be able to get everything done that I need to on the admin front tomorrow. Got a lot of questions and queries lined up for her - so much info floating round in my head that I suspect that I've well mixed up several facts and processes, and need to straighten them all out before a make a mistake (or several) along the way, lol!
The cold is still lingering, though throat isn't so sore, thankfully. This morning its a combination of getting on top of emails (when I was finally able to log in, I found over 60 that I have to deal with, waiting for me!), getting Mils washing finished, dealing with SW and trying (yet again) to complete to mound of paperwork needed to be done to progress the situtation with the school. This afternoon, the one to one, and I have no idea what time I'll be home as I have no idea how long it will take to sort the techy stufff. OH is trying to work out how to try and sort his sleep today - he's just finished a night shift, off tonight, back in tomorrow night - but been told he also has to attend compulsary training during the day tomorrow - he isn't quite sure how he is supposed to go into work tomorrow night, having been on a course for a large part of the day - and stay awake!
I'm going to talk to my boss about booking a weeks holidays at the beginning of next month - the idea being that I can (hopefully) get a lot of stuff sorted at home (including the office space, which neither OH nor I have found time to even start to tackle) and perhaps even just take a couple of days break.
Hope you guys all have a good day xxxx