Thinking of you JM. At the other end of the story i have a child embarking on the IVF journey, today!
So bizarre !
- Thread starter Ann Mac
- Start date
Thinking of you JM. At the other end of the story i have a child embarking on the IVF journey, today!
At last, arrived in Wellington after a long day in coach and got wifi for at least 24 hours!
I'm another who has had a miscarriage, though only one, at 16 weeks. Marriage broke up a year later ( he blamed me being one of the problems). Met OH a few years later, who already had 2 adopted boys and a natural daughter, so decided not to bother! Not very maternal anyway!
Now waiting for bags, so can unpack and change. No easily accessible shower here, so might have to Make do and mend!!!
Cheers
I'm another who has had a miscarriage, though only one, at 16 weeks. Marriage broke up a year later ( he blamed me being one of the problems). Met OH a few years later, who already had 2 adopted boys and a natural daughter, so decided not to bother! Not very maternal anyway!
Now waiting for bags, so can unpack and change. No easily accessible shower here, so might have to Make do and mend!!!
Cheers
Morning all,
JM - will be thinking of you today, Hun xxxx I'm so lucky to have my 3 kids, but son was one of twins, I lost one early in the pregnancy and even though I am so grateful that I have my son, I still get the odd feeling of sadness and 'what if?'. Can't begin to imagine how much harder it would have been to go through the whole pregancy, then suffer that loss
xxxx
JKnight - wishing all the good luck in the world for your childs IVF treatment xxx
Hiya Spamar - hope to get chance to catch up on your travels on your post later - hope you are having a fab time xxxxx
A toss and turn night last night, as it hit home that we really have no clear idea about what to expect tomorrow I don't even know what time the consultant is turning up to see Mil - the CPN has advised letting Mil know he is coming, but if I can't give her a definite time, there's a recipe for disaster for a start. If the idea is to persuade her to agree to go in to hospital voluntarily (at least to begin with) to try and avoid stress for her, me not being able to judge when to have her ready or being able to give her a time for his arrival when she asks, is going to have her fretting and worrying and it certainly won't be stress free
I don't actually know for certain that she will be admitted tomorrow - I made that assumption based on the CPN saying the consultant is off on leave all next week, so it has to be 'sorted' this week, jumping to the conclusion that by 'sorted' she meant 'admitted' - but I really don't know for sure. Maybe its just that she must be seen this week so that paperwork can be done ready for admission, or so that it can be confirmed that she is to be allocated a bed? I have no idea what I am supposed to prepare for her to be admitted, be it tomorrow or next week/month? Are there rules/advice about how many clothes she can take in? What about personal possessions? Meds?. Are we Ok to visit if she is sectioned?. Is she going to get the help she needs with personal care? Should I send in info on the help she needs - and will there be the staff available to give that help? Would it be better or even expected if I went in to give that help? If she is admitted, what do I do about carer's allowance, when no one can tell me how long she will be in there for?
What if the consultant can't persaude her to agree to admission, at least initially? What happens then?
Guess who didn't get a lot of sleep I found myself wishing like mad that there was an alternative to going down this route - but if there is an alternative, I can't come up with it. Bottom line is, even leaving aside the impact on me and the rest of the family, Mil is currently tortured (and I don't believe that is too strong a word) by delusions and paranoia that make her desperately unhappy, viciously angry and sometimes terrifed, on a daily (sometimes several times daily) basis. That's a dreadful way to have to live, so damn cruel. I've thought and thought about it, and I'm sure that we have honestly tried just about everything that we could have possibly tried with her here at home, so there isn't really an alternative to trying this now - its just I dread to think of the potential for it being traumatic for her, in the short term at least
I'm going to phone the CPN once I get youngest to school, see if I can get answers to at least some of my concerns. Then - if I can get hold of her fairly early and get some answers - at least OH and I will both have a better idea about any preparations we need to make and a clearer idea of what to expect. Maybe if we have more info, we can be more effective in allieviating any stress for Mil.
Hope you all have a good day - I'll update you with any news, as and when I get it!
xxxxx
JM - will be thinking of you today, Hun xxxx I'm so lucky to have my 3 kids, but son was one of twins, I lost one early in the pregnancy and even though I am so grateful that I have my son, I still get the odd feeling of sadness and 'what if?'. Can't begin to imagine how much harder it would have been to go through the whole pregancy, then suffer that loss
xxxxJKnight - wishing all the good luck in the world for your childs IVF treatment xxx
Hiya Spamar - hope to get chance to catch up on your travels on your post later - hope you are having a fab time xxxxx
A toss and turn night last night, as it hit home that we really have no clear idea about what to expect tomorrow
I don't even know what time the consultant is turning up to see Mil - the CPN has advised letting Mil know he is coming, but if I can't give her a definite time, there's a recipe for disaster for a start. If the idea is to persuade her to agree to go in to hospital voluntarily (at least to begin with) to try and avoid stress for her, me not being able to judge when to have her ready or being able to give her a time for his arrival when she asks, is going to have her fretting and worrying and it certainly won't be stress free I don't actually know for certain that she will be admitted tomorrow - I made that assumption based on the CPN saying the consultant is off on leave all next week, so it has to be 'sorted' this week, jumping to the conclusion that by 'sorted' she meant 'admitted' - but I really don't know for sure. Maybe its just that she must be seen this week so that paperwork can be done ready for admission, or so that it can be confirmed that she is to be allocated a bed? I have no idea what I am supposed to prepare for her to be admitted, be it tomorrow or next week/month? Are there rules/advice about how many clothes she can take in? What about personal possessions? Meds?. Are we Ok to visit if she is sectioned?. Is she going to get the help she needs with personal care? Should I send in info on the help she needs - and will there be the staff available to give that help? Would it be better or even expected if I went in to give that help? If she is admitted, what do I do about carer's allowance, when no one can tell me how long she will be in there for?
What if the consultant can't persaude her to agree to admission, at least initially? What happens then?
Guess who didn't get a lot of sleep
I found myself wishing like mad that there was an alternative to going down this route - but if there is an alternative, I can't come up with it. Bottom line is, even leaving aside the impact on me and the rest of the family, Mil is currently tortured (and I don't believe that is too strong a word) by delusions and paranoia that make her desperately unhappy, viciously angry and sometimes terrifed, on a daily (sometimes several times daily) basis. That's a dreadful way to have to live, so damn cruel. I've thought and thought about it, and I'm sure that we have honestly tried just about everything that we could have possibly tried with her here at home, so there isn't really an alternative to trying this now - its just I dread to think of the potential for it being traumatic for her, in the short term at least I'm going to phone the CPN once I get youngest to school, see if I can get answers to at least some of my concerns. Then - if I can get hold of her fairly early and get some answers - at least OH and I will both have a better idea about any preparations we need to make and a clearer idea of what to expect. Maybe if we have more info, we can be more effective in allieviating any stress for Mil.
Hope you all have a good day - I'll update you with any news, as and when I get it!
xxxxx
JK - good luck to your child.
Spamar - will mosey into your thread, later.
Ann - if there's an alternative none of us experienced and not-too-silly carers here have come up with it. MiL lives in a state of more or less permanent stress and that - of course - is now transferring to you, the carer. Sleepless nights - oh, I remember those. & while she's in I don't think you should be going in to provide care the state ought to provide and will provide, I'm sure, if you don't step into the breach. You need this break. I'm sure the state can manage just fine; I'm sure the carers in the facility are used to presentations as difficult as MiL's. You need to look after yourself. Don't forget - she's coming home afterwards and OH might not be around daily -- that's going to make a huge difference to your stress levels in itself.
here endeth the lecture.
Spamar - will mosey into your thread, later.
Ann - if there's an alternative none of us experienced and not-too-silly carers here have come up with it. MiL lives in a state of more or less permanent stress and that - of course - is now transferring to you, the carer. Sleepless nights - oh, I remember those. & while she's in I don't think you should be going in to provide care the state ought to provide and will provide, I'm sure, if you don't step into the breach. You need this break. I'm sure the state can manage just fine; I'm sure the carers in the facility are used to presentations as difficult as MiL's. You need to look after yourself. Don't forget - she's coming home afterwards and OH might not be around daily -- that's going to make a huge difference to your stress levels in itself.
here endeth the lecture.
About Me
Ann, one small practical thing you might be able to do (though of course it would be better if you could make the most of last day of respite) would be to fill in an up to date About Me document if you don't have one. I think you can download it from the Alzheimer's Society and it is meant for giving to hospitals etc to give them some information about the person in written form.
Apologies if you know this already (I expect you do).
Ann, one small practical thing you might be able to do (though of course it would be better if you could make the most of last day of respite) would be to fill in an up to date About Me document if you don't have one. I think you can download it from the Alzheimer's Society and it is meant for giving to hospitals etc to give them some information about the person in written form.
Apologies if you know this already (I expect you do).
Ann, The About Me booklet is a great idea. I would suggest packing her a bag with three days clothing in, you can always take more in later, and put one of her medicine boxes with a week's meds in, of course. I don't know that I would have suggested you try to prepare her....a) False behaviour..."I'm a good girl I am" b) Angry behaviour towards you, The Imprisoner..." You just want to get rid of me" I am a great believer in seeing a true reaction to the situation, and preparation might just lead to a false image, and we all know how good an actor she can be when she puts her mind to it.
But there again...that's just my twopennyworth, I'm no expert.
But there again...that's just my twopennyworth, I'm no expert.
I hope the CPN can give you more information - I don't see how you can manage MiL's stress if you are left not knowing what is happening. It seems as if it could be anything from immediate admission to the consultant's visit being the first part of a lengthy process of paperwork, meetings, and waiting for a bed.
Trouble is, if MiL was meeting someone who you needed to convince she was ill enough to warrant sectioning, you would want her behaving at her worst. If the consultant persuading her is the aim, you want her at her compliant with authority best.
I do think recording her at her worst may be a sensible precaution against professionals saying she seems fine to them.
Trouble is, if MiL was meeting someone who you needed to convince she was ill enough to warrant sectioning, you would want her behaving at her worst. If the consultant persuading her is the aim, you want her at her compliant with authority best.
I do think recording her at her worst may be a sensible precaution against professionals saying she seems fine to them.
Oh gosh Ann haven't things taken a turn for the worse.
Just skimmed the last part of the thread, so you think she may be sectioned. So, she's not going to a care home.
So, you feel ready to have her eave your care.
You have struggled on so well. It must be so difficult for you.
Slugsta..if you've had help, then hopefully you will be successful.
Just skimmed the last part of the thread, so you think she may be sectioned. So, she's not going to a care home.
So, you feel ready to have her eave your care.
You have struggled on so well. It must be so difficult for you.
Slugsta..if you've had help, then hopefully you will be successful.
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I will be thinking of you later today Ann. I do hope that things go however they need to to get this assessment admission to go ahead PDQ. I'm just sorry that this has eaten into your respite time in this way.
(((JM))) the anniversary must be a very difficult time for you. In fact ((( ))) for everyone of you who has had unsuccessful pregnancies or who, for whatever reason, was not able to have the children they longed for.
We were very lucky, I fell for our son first month and didn't have any problems with my pregnancy. We were never successful in getting me pregnant again, I had a bit of hospital investigation and treatment but didn't go far down that route. TBH, I found having just one hard enough
I took one of Mum's tops away to wash last week - but she forgot that I had done so and was asking her friends if they knew where it was. I have bought a memo board that will stick magnetically to the fridge, hope that writing messages on it might help. Things like 'I've taken your brown top to wash' or 'We are away for a week' or suchlike. I will keep it here until we actually have anything to say though, otherwise I can imagine her throwing it away because she doesn't know why it is there!
We had a lovely night away yesterday. The hotel overlooked Poole Bay and it was stunning in the sunshine. This morning we sat out with the papers after breakfast - but I had to go inside because I was too hot The nice weather just about lasted until we got home (less than an hour from the hotel via the ferry) but has been very wet since. Here's to the next 32 years!
(((JM))) the anniversary must be a very difficult time for you. In fact ((( ))) for everyone of you who has had unsuccessful pregnancies or who, for whatever reason, was not able to have the children they longed for.
We were very lucky, I fell for our son first month and didn't have any problems with my pregnancy. We were never successful in getting me pregnant again, I had a bit of hospital investigation and treatment but didn't go far down that route. TBH, I found having just one hard enough
I took one of Mum's tops away to wash last week - but she forgot that I had done so and was asking her friends if they knew where it was. I have bought a memo board that will stick magnetically to the fridge, hope that writing messages on it might help. Things like 'I've taken your brown top to wash' or 'We are away for a week' or suchlike. I will keep it here until we actually have anything to say though, otherwise I can imagine her throwing it away because she doesn't know why it is there!
We had a lovely night away yesterday. The hotel overlooked Poole Bay and it was stunning in the sunshine. This morning we sat out with the papers after breakfast - but I had to go inside because I was too hot
The nice weather just about lasted until we got home (less than an hour from the hotel via the ferry) but has been very wet since. Here's to the next 32 years! 
Hope discussions and plans go well today Ann and that those you deal with are co-operative, understanding and most of all, know what they are talking about and give you full, clear information and adequate support.
And please try to kick the guilt monster into touch. Easier to say than do, I know, but you know that all of you need steps taken to sort out MiLs meds and relieve the distress as much as possible for her sake and yours.
Take care, big hugs xx
And please try to kick the guilt monster into touch. Easier to say than do, I know, but you know that all of you need steps taken to sort out MiLs meds and relieve the distress as much as possible for her sake and yours.
Take care, big hugs xx
Morning all
Thanks for the lecture, Red - I am listening, honest x
And thank you annbythesea - I spotted your post yesterday and it reminded me that I had downloaded 'This is me' a few weeks ago, though I hadn't filled it in - however, now done, it it does make it easier to work out what info to include and present it without rambling when you have a format like that to follow - so cheers x
Slugsta, glad you had a lovely anniversary break away, hun x Sounds like you were lucky with the weather - I checked our forecast and we are (supposedly) in for snow showers tonight and tomorrow morning
Maureen, Moonflower and everyone - thanks for the suggestions and good wishes xxx The consultants secretary phoned me yesterday morning, so I at least was then given the time that he would be coming to see Mil today (10a.m.), though she couldn't tell me anything else. I left another message for the CPN with the secretary, and she got back to me around lunch time. Yep, I was right in assuming that admission is being aimed for for today. The plan is he will come here and try and talk her into agreeing, then meet us at the hospital when we bring her in. I got the info on meds and clothes, and then asked 'But what if Mil says no?', either when the consultant suggests it, or when we get to the hospital, or when we try to leave her there? And its a play by ear situation, with the intention being that by doing it this way, sectioning can be avoided and so can stress for Mil. I'm OK about that - I've absolutely no desire to cause Mil any stress if it can be avoided - but I can't see any way that she won't, at some point, kick off and so am expecting that it will end up with her being sectioned The other news is that the consultant has 'booked' her in, not to the elderly EMI ward, but to another secure ward in the mental health unit, on the grounds that because Mil 'presented' so well to him the other day, she will perhaps 'fit in' better away from dementia cases - I'll be honest and say I'm not 100% sure about his view there, as MIl's ability to present so well is very limited now - for the most part, seeing her in EMI day care, she actually does 'fit in' with the other patients with dementia - I have a concern that other MH patients might find that having a dementia patient in their midst, especially one that can be as difficult as Mil can be, might not work out the way the consultant expects - Mil simply can't keep up the hostess mode for that long now
So - with more of an idea about what to expect from today, we headed off to collect Mil from respite at about 5pm. We arrived at the respite home and the door was opened by a staff member that I've spoken to before, and who I knew tended to be quite chatty about how Mil has been when she has stayed there. The first thing she said to us was that there must have been a mistake, because she (and the other staff) had thought that Mil was there till tomorrow morning and so they hadn't packed her things or anything. I have no idea what that is about - I was definitely told that the bed was free for '5 nights from Saturday 9th', and so that's what I had booked! I asked the girl how Mil had been ? Got an 'eye roll' and one of those hissy, sharp intakes of breath in response before she added 'Dreadful!'. It appears the gunmen and terrorists had followed poor Mil to respite, and that had combined with a conviction that she must leave to attend a wedding in Ireland and the old delusion of a missing child The girl added that she 'felt' for us, because they had found 5 days hard work so 'God knows what its like for you all the bloody time' ! She told us where Mil was and we headed off to find her.
I'll remind you at this point, that it seems the staff were not expecting us to collect Mil till tomorrow morning.
We found Mil sat looking like something the cat had dragged in, slumped in a chair with her jaw slack and her head resting on her hand - no TV or music, just sat. Her hair didn't look like it had seen a brush in days, she had on the cardigan that she was wearing when she went in, with multiple stains down the front. She had a dirty great bruise on her temple, just starting to turn yellow so done at least 2 - 3 days ago, and her bottom dentures were missing.
She saw us and promptly burst into tears. Not a staff member in sight. Mil was pretty much incoherant, which I tend to put down to the shock of seeing us - she clearly wasn't expecting us. We both gave her a cuddle, then I went to see if I could find staff so we could (a) get her sorted to leave and (b) find out how she got the bruise and where her teeth were. Found a girl in a senior uniform - she looked rather flustered to see us. Didn't think we were coming till tomorrow, she explained. And what bruise did I mean? She hadn't noticed any bruise! Mils teeth were missing? Oh - she didn't know anything about that. Er - could we just give her 5 minutes to finish feeding the lady she was with, then she would come and sort Mil out.
Went back to OH and Mil, to find that another resident had attached herself to OH, asking him to take her home and whilst asking that, was pretty much all over him, with wandering hands that OH was struggling to deal with! I gently led the woman away, sat her in the next lounge, went back just in time to take the arm of another lady who was incredibly unsteady on her feet, seemingly about to fall, and then guide her to a seat. By which time the first lady was back, and poor OH was sat cross legged trying to stop her getting rather - er - personal, and Mil was getting cross at this woman monopolising (or at least trying to) OH. Another lady then started to zoom in wanting food, Mil was trying to be quite possessive with OH (as was the lady with the wandering hands), and yet another lady emerged from a side room, also really not safe on her feet. OH and I were exchanging looks and quite shocked. Where the hell were the rest of the staff? A young male carer walked through with an empty bowl, barely spared a glance at us and completely ignored OH yet again gently removing the the rather frisky ladies hands from his thighs and firmly telling her 'Don't do that please, darlin' '.
The senior appeared, with another carer in tow - they couldn't find Mil's teeth. The second carer casually anonounced she had noticed that Mil didn't have them when she had got Mil up that morning, but didn't indicate that she had tried to find them or find out what had happened to them. Off they went again, the senior returning with Mils case and meds - but this time, they couldn't find Mils shoes either. Another wait - and all this with the rather 'attentive woman' still trying to grope OH and it being completely ignored by the staff as they passed to and fro, despite OH's obvious discomfort with the situation and the fact that he was trying to check Mil's case for the missing dentures whilst fending her off - before the shoes were found. They also ignored the fact that I was repeatedly guiding a selection of very frail and unsteady ladies back to their seats, as they honestly were in real danger of falling. Mil was desperate to get out of there, so we decided to leave. I was assured they would keep looking for the dentures - I told them that I hoped so, as Mil was going in to hospital so I wasn't going to be able to sort out a new set and that she was going to struggle eating without them. OH was shaking with temper, and I wasn't far behind. None of the staff - and there only seemed to be 4 on duty in total, for the whole home - seemed to know what had happened with the bruising on Mils head. None knew if it had been checked out (OH, working in adult services has a protocol that any head injury must be checked out by a qualified medic of some sort, assuming its similar for homes where there are no nursing staff to hand?) and none could explain, if Mils teeth had been missing all day at least, why no one had been concerned enough to actually look for them. All 4 we saw completely ignored the fact that I was guiding very frail ladies back to their seats repeatedly, all ignored the behaviour of the woman who was hell bent on getting up close and personal with OH.
Got Mil home, did a quick check of her bag - looks like toothpaste and other toiletries have barely been used Mil was inclined to be firstly, quite child like and silly when we got home - which made me trying to take a photograph of the state she was in and the bruising rather difficult - but after that was simply exhausted and sat slumped in her chair for most of the evening. I'd sorted out what I thought would be a tea that Mil would enjoy, before we went to collect her, but Mil really struggled with the salad portion, being unable to eat her favourite raddish and spring onions without her bottom dentures.
And its back to the old situation of what the hell do we do? The inclination is to go in with all guns blazing - but what price any chance of respite in future is we do? Then again - how much 'rest' are we going to get if we are worrying about Mil's care whilst she is away?. We can't just ignore it, but we also know we couldn't manage to continue caring for Mil unless we have some sort of occasional break. Its clear that there were not enough staff - we could see that for ourselves. But the lack of info and concern about the bruising was worrying, as was the fact that the reactions made it pretty clear that even the staff who had noticed that her teeth were missing wasn't all that bothered about it - and the others had apparently not noticed at all!
I will speak to the CPN on Monday, and see what she suggests by way of dealing with this - I'm too angry, as is OH, to even attempt to approach the homes manager at this point. And we have today to get through, yet - I'm hoping it will go smoothly, but not exactly expecting it to, IYKWIM.
Will catch up with you all later - hope you have a good day xxxxx
Thanks for the lecture, Red - I am listening, honest
xAnd thank you annbythesea - I spotted your post yesterday and it reminded me that I had downloaded 'This is me' a few weeks ago, though I hadn't filled it in - however, now done, it it does make it easier to work out what info to include and present it without rambling when you have a format like that to follow - so cheers x
Slugsta, glad you had a lovely anniversary break away, hun x Sounds like you were lucky with the weather - I checked our forecast and we are (supposedly) in for snow showers tonight and tomorrow morning
Maureen, Moonflower and everyone - thanks for the suggestions and good wishes xxx The consultants secretary phoned me yesterday morning, so I at least was then given the time that he would be coming to see Mil today (10a.m.), though she couldn't tell me anything else. I left another message for the CPN with the secretary, and she got back to me around lunch time. Yep, I was right in assuming that admission is being aimed for for today. The plan is he will come here and try and talk her into agreeing, then meet us at the hospital when we bring her in. I got the info on meds and clothes, and then asked 'But what if Mil says no?', either when the consultant suggests it, or when we get to the hospital, or when we try to leave her there? And its a play by ear situation, with the intention being that by doing it this way, sectioning can be avoided and so can stress for Mil. I'm OK about that - I've absolutely no desire to cause Mil any stress if it can be avoided - but I can't see any way that she won't, at some point, kick off and so am expecting that it will end up with her being sectioned
The other news is that the consultant has 'booked' her in, not to the elderly EMI ward, but to another secure ward in the mental health unit, on the grounds that because Mil 'presented' so well to him the other day, she will perhaps 'fit in' better away from dementia cases - I'll be honest and say I'm not 100% sure about his view there, as MIl's ability to present so well is very limited now - for the most part, seeing her in EMI day care, she actually does 'fit in' with the other patients with dementia - I have a concern that other MH patients might find that having a dementia patient in their midst, especially one that can be as difficult as Mil can be, might not work out the way the consultant expects - Mil simply can't keep up the hostess mode for that long now So - with more of an idea about what to expect from today, we headed off to collect Mil from respite at about 5pm. We arrived at the respite home and the door was opened by a staff member that I've spoken to before, and who I knew tended to be quite chatty about how Mil has been when she has stayed there. The first thing she said to us was that there must have been a mistake, because she (and the other staff) had thought that Mil was there till tomorrow morning and so they hadn't packed her things or anything. I have no idea what that is about - I was definitely told that the bed was free for '5 nights from Saturday 9th', and so that's what I had booked! I asked the girl how Mil had been ? Got an 'eye roll' and one of those hissy, sharp intakes of breath in response before she added 'Dreadful!'. It appears the gunmen and terrorists had followed poor Mil to respite, and that had combined with a conviction that she must leave to attend a wedding in Ireland and the old delusion of a missing child
The girl added that she 'felt' for us, because they had found 5 days hard work so 'God knows what its like for you all the bloody time' ! She told us where Mil was and we headed off to find her.I'll remind you at this point, that it seems the staff were not expecting us to collect Mil till tomorrow morning.
We found Mil sat looking like something the cat had dragged in, slumped in a chair with her jaw slack and her head resting on her hand - no TV or music, just sat. Her hair didn't look like it had seen a brush in days, she had on the cardigan that she was wearing when she went in, with multiple stains down the front. She had a dirty great bruise on her temple, just starting to turn yellow so done at least 2 - 3 days ago, and her bottom dentures were missing.
She saw us and promptly burst into tears. Not a staff member in sight. Mil was pretty much incoherant, which I tend to put down to the shock of seeing us - she clearly wasn't expecting us. We both gave her a cuddle, then I went to see if I could find staff so we could (a) get her sorted to leave and (b) find out how she got the bruise and where her teeth were. Found a girl in a senior uniform - she looked rather flustered to see us. Didn't think we were coming till tomorrow, she explained. And what bruise did I mean? She hadn't noticed any bruise! Mils teeth were missing? Oh - she didn't know anything about that. Er - could we just give her 5 minutes to finish feeding the lady she was with, then she would come and sort Mil out.
Went back to OH and Mil, to find that another resident had attached herself to OH, asking him to take her home and whilst asking that, was pretty much all over him, with wandering hands that OH was struggling to deal with! I gently led the woman away, sat her in the next lounge, went back just in time to take the arm of another lady who was incredibly unsteady on her feet, seemingly about to fall, and then guide her to a seat. By which time the first lady was back, and poor OH was sat cross legged trying to stop her getting rather - er - personal, and Mil was getting cross at this woman monopolising (or at least trying to) OH. Another lady then started to zoom in wanting food, Mil was trying to be quite possessive with OH (as was the lady with the wandering hands), and yet another lady emerged from a side room, also really not safe on her feet. OH and I were exchanging looks and quite shocked. Where the hell were the rest of the staff? A young male carer walked through with an empty bowl, barely spared a glance at us and completely ignored OH yet again gently removing the the rather frisky ladies hands from his thighs and firmly telling her 'Don't do that please, darlin' '.
The senior appeared, with another carer in tow - they couldn't find Mil's teeth. The second carer casually anonounced she had noticed that Mil didn't have them when she had got Mil up that morning, but didn't indicate that she had tried to find them or find out what had happened to them. Off they went again, the senior returning with Mils case and meds - but this time, they couldn't find Mils shoes either. Another wait - and all this with the rather 'attentive woman' still trying to grope OH and it being completely ignored by the staff as they passed to and fro, despite OH's obvious discomfort with the situation and the fact that he was trying to check Mil's case for the missing dentures whilst fending her off - before the shoes were found. They also ignored the fact that I was repeatedly guiding a selection of very frail and unsteady ladies back to their seats, as they honestly were in real danger of falling. Mil was desperate to get out of there, so we decided to leave. I was assured they would keep looking for the dentures - I told them that I hoped so, as Mil was going in to hospital so I wasn't going to be able to sort out a new set and that she was going to struggle eating without them. OH was shaking with temper, and I wasn't far behind. None of the staff - and there only seemed to be 4 on duty in total, for the whole home - seemed to know what had happened with the bruising on Mils head. None knew if it had been checked out (OH, working in adult services has a protocol that any head injury must be checked out by a qualified medic of some sort, assuming its similar for homes where there are no nursing staff to hand?) and none could explain, if Mils teeth had been missing all day at least, why no one had been concerned enough to actually look for them. All 4 we saw completely ignored the fact that I was guiding very frail ladies back to their seats repeatedly, all ignored the behaviour of the woman who was hell bent on getting up close and personal with OH.
Got Mil home, did a quick check of her bag - looks like toothpaste and other toiletries have barely been used
Mil was inclined to be firstly, quite child like and silly when we got home - which made me trying to take a photograph of the state she was in and the bruising rather difficult - but after that was simply exhausted and sat slumped in her chair for most of the evening. I'd sorted out what I thought would be a tea that Mil would enjoy, before we went to collect her, but Mil really struggled with the salad portion, being unable to eat her favourite raddish and spring onions without her bottom dentures. And its back to the old situation of what the hell do we do? The inclination is to go in with all guns blazing - but what price any chance of respite in future is we do? Then again - how much 'rest' are we going to get if we are worrying about Mil's care whilst she is away?. We can't just ignore it, but we also know we couldn't manage to continue caring for Mil unless we have some sort of occasional break. Its clear that there were not enough staff - we could see that for ourselves. But the lack of info and concern about the bruising was worrying, as was the fact that the reactions made it pretty clear that even the staff who had noticed that her teeth were missing wasn't all that bothered about it - and the others had apparently not noticed at all!
I will speak to the CPN on Monday, and see what she suggests by way of dealing with this - I'm too angry, as is OH, to even attempt to approach the homes manager at this point. And we have today to get through, yet - I'm hoping it will go smoothly, but not exactly expecting it to, IYKWIM.
Will catch up with you all later - hope you have a good day xxxxx
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Oh Ann... extra hugs, so difficult. Do you check MiL's care plan / daily records or get the opportunity to do so? You should be able to and then bringing up the fact that issues aren't correctly or adequately documented can be a way to express your concerns and initiate discussions on what should and shouldn't be happening. Fingers crossed for MiL co-operating today xx
Thanks Cat and reedysue - I can't say that words exactly fail me sue - its more that most of the words I'd like to use would get me kicked off the forums!
Thanks Celia -no, didn't check the care plan - OH had Mil clinging to him like a limpet, quite distressed and was trying to fend off the groping from the other lady as well; I was trying to prevent another 2 or 3 other ladies from falling (Honestly, they had no walking aides and none were in any way steady on their feet at all, my heart ws in my mouth!) and trying to chase the staff to sort the missing items - it was pretty much bedlam and I didn't even think to ask OH said after we left that if he had opened his mouth to the staff at all, he was rather afraid that he wouldn't be able to stop himself being extremely rude and angry. It isn't the staff's fault if they were short staffed - its not like we saw them sitting on their backsides, to be fair - but they were just clueless, clearly not interested/not had the chance to deal with more than basic care and containment. We most definitely felt that had they realised that we were coming, that only then would they have stirred themselves to search for the dentures, see her hair was tidy, and perhaps try and find out (if they even noticed) how Mil had aquired the bruising. Is Mil in that state, unkempt and pretty much with any issues ignored, for the whole time that we leave her there? Seems likely, doesn't it? BTW - its not that we are cross that she has the bruising - it really is impossible to prevent falls, we get that - its that a senior staff had apparently not even noticed it, much less (like, it seems, the other staff) bothered to find out how it happened.
The missing dentures - well, we watched Mil struggle last night with eating - safe to say she would have struggled with toast at breakfast and quite possibly with whatever was served for lunch too - and still no effort had been made to find the missing dentures. If they had at least indicated that they had been trying, we would have accepted it - it was the complete lack of concern that pi****d us off For all we know, she could have been without her gnashers for more than just that one day - the two staff who were involved with looking both said that they had been off the previous day, so really didn't know when the dentures had gone for sure.
Its just so disgusting
Thanks Celia -no, didn't check the care plan - OH had Mil clinging to him like a limpet, quite distressed and was trying to fend off the groping from the other lady as well; I was trying to prevent another 2 or 3 other ladies from falling (Honestly, they had no walking aides and none were in any way steady on their feet at all, my heart ws in my mouth!) and trying to chase the staff to sort the missing items - it was pretty much bedlam and I didn't even think to ask
OH said after we left that if he had opened his mouth to the staff at all, he was rather afraid that he wouldn't be able to stop himself being extremely rude and angry. It isn't the staff's fault if they were short staffed - its not like we saw them sitting on their backsides, to be fair - but they were just clueless, clearly not interested/not had the chance to deal with more than basic care and containment. We most definitely felt that had they realised that we were coming, that only then would they have stirred themselves to search for the dentures, see her hair was tidy, and perhaps try and find out (if they even noticed) how Mil had aquired the bruising. Is Mil in that state, unkempt and pretty much with any issues ignored, for the whole time that we leave her there? Seems likely, doesn't it? BTW - its not that we are cross that she has the bruising - it really is impossible to prevent falls, we get that - its that a senior staff had apparently not even noticed it, much less (like, it seems, the other staff) bothered to find out how it happened. The missing dentures - well, we watched Mil struggle last night with eating - safe to say she would have struggled with toast at breakfast and quite possibly with whatever was served for lunch too - and still no effort had been made to find the missing dentures. If they had at least indicated that they had been trying, we would have accepted it - it was the complete lack of concern that pi****d us off
For all we know, she could have been without her gnashers for more than just that one day - the two staff who were involved with looking both said that they had been off the previous day, so really didn't know when the dentures had gone for sure.Its just so disgusting
Hi Ann, sorry, meant generally re checking care plan (that's what I had to do with Mum both with home care and in CH) as it is one area the Care Commission are usually quite hot on so it does get a response. Quite understand how sorting the immediate situation was a much higher property. Sorry I didn't put it clearly
I agree its disgusting and quite horrifying how such issues seem to be happening more and more.
I agree its disgusting and quite horrifying how such issues seem to be happening more and more.
