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Life without him....

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Rageddy Anne, Oct 24, 2017.

  1. Amethyst59

    Amethyst59 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2017
    1,335
    Kent
    Oh my goodness...that is so sad, and what a coincidence that they both went nearly together. It is a lovely comfort to think of them together. When my mum died...many years after my dad...I wrote in my journal...’Although I cannot truly believe they are together, I am pleased that they are no longer apart’. I have a problem with the whole religious thing and eternal life...but I do have a guilty secret. When I cannot sleep, I gather all the people I have loved and lost...we all meet on the sea front. It is sunny, and we have a lovely walk together. Mum and Dad are hand in hand, as are my grandparents. My son’s identical twin is holding my little granddaughter, who gets bigger every year, and my lovely husband and brother in law walk along together, chatting. My sister and I always said they were like book ends! Looked alike and were both lovely, gentle men.
    It is maybe a silly thing to do, but it brings me comfort and doesn’t hurt anyone else.
    Martin is just going to make the coffee. Shall he make your tea? Clunk x x x
     
  2. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,978
    Cotswolds
    Yes. Her younger daughter and her young family bore the brunt of her mother's care, as so often happens. Her husband didn't visit very often, but fortunately had been with her the day before. Her older daughter lives a long way away, and has visited rarely...but was with her mum a week before...

    I'm glad Rob never knew how poorly his sister was..
     
  3. Amethyst59

    Amethyst59 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2017
    1,335
    Kent
    Yes, with all that is lost in dementia, there are some small comforts.
     
  4. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,978
    Cotswolds
    Thsnkyou Martin, tea please...
    Me too Amethyst. I wish I could believe in something comforting after life, it would be a great comfort, but my faith evaporated ...
    .People we've loved live on, I think, in being quoted by family, and mentioned often... Rob's exploits and jokes feature in conversations when family and friends are together, and I've been touched by how many letters of condolence I've had that have emphasised his humour and what good company he was...no, he wasn't a comedian, but he was full of the joy of living... My mother, too, is alive today and our granddaughters quote things she said, even though they never knew her., and she died years go.
     
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    64,410
    Kent
    I also feel it`s how people live on. I still talk about my grandmother who died in 1983. Not in a mournful way, more with anecdotes, I have so many stories about her. The same with Dhiren. He may have died but he is not gone from my life.

    Its something I'm ashamed to think I gave little thought to in my younger days. I offered sympathy to people who suffered bereavement then hardly gave it another thought.
     
  6. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,316
    Female
    Near Southampton
    #86 Saffie, Nov 11, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2017
    I’m sorry that you have another family bereavement. A death is always a source of grief no matter how much a person has suffered with this disease.
    How good it will be for you to have that thought of going to France for Christmas to look forward to during the coming few weeks. I’m sure it will help during thise hospital visits and indeed all the time.

    People do live on as their genes are passed down the generations which means their physical attributes, characteristics and even personalities are replicated in some way in some people.
     
  7. nannylondon

    nannylondon Registered User

    Apr 7, 2014
    2,422
    London
    So sorry there has been another loss Anne, but I agree our loved ones live on in our memories gentle hug. Xxx
     
  8. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,978
    Cotswolds
    deleted...repeating myself.. Sorry!
     
  9. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,978
    Cotswolds
    I was grateful again last night, coming home in the dark, because years ago dear Rob's surprise birthday present for me was an automated garage door opener. So I can drive into the garage and close the door bhind me, before exiting my car and going though into the kitchen.. THANKYOU, dear Rob.xx
     
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    64,410
    Kent
    A lovely legacy. One of many I'm sure. :)
     
  11. Amethyst59

    Amethyst59 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2017
    1,335
    Kent
    And you are driving! You kept that quiet! My mum used the old chestnut...will I be able to drive after my operation? Yup, you’ve guessed it...because she couldn’t before! I thought your consultants one about flying to France was brilliant! Have you had your tattoo done yet? They don’t let you choose a design or colour. Just mean.
     
  12. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    786
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    Hi @Rageddy Anne ,
    I' sorry about your sister-in-law death.Life sometimes seems to perversely hit people who are already in pain.

    I'm glad you will be spending Christmas with your son in France. Family and ,above all, children can help to heal both the body and the soul.
     
  13. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,978
    Cotswolds

    They didn't do it the other day, wanted me to see the nurse first. But all OK now so might get it done tomorrow...
     
  14. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,978
    Cotswolds
    Scan etc will be next week...

    Strange thing I've noticed....if I say my husband has died people are kind and helpful. When I used to say my husband has dementia, a lot of people just looked a bit blank...

    My friend's husband is living in a care home because she's on her own, and no help was available when she needed it. We went together last evening to see Murder on the Orient Express.. The scenery was so wonderful it was almost as good as a holiday!
     
  15. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    786
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    Hi @Rageddy Anne ,
    Good morning.
    Most people do not know what dementia is like and how hard it is to cope with it.
    They think PWDs are only odd, kind, and forgetful ladies/gentlemen.
    There is little awareness of the problem and little empathy.

    Glad you enjoyed your holiday at the cinema..while Mont Blanc is waiting for you
     
  16. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,978
    Cotswolds
    Morning Margherita. How's your weather this morning? I'm looking out at a beautiful white frosty landscape. Some rusty coloured leaves are still hanging on, just waiting for some wind to blow them down.

    Our house looks out across a valley, and the other side of the ridge is another valley, the one which Laurie Lee wrote about in Cider with Rosie.. Sometimes I drive that way because it's so beautiful.
     
  17. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,978
    Cotswolds
    Suddenly I missed him dreadfully. He loved Christmas...I guess there will always be moments like this......

    He would want me to be jolly, so I jolly well will be........but..........

    Got that off my chest, now for a cup of tea and a more cherry thread...
     
  18. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    64,410
    Kent
    Do you feel more vulnerable first thing in the morning Anne? It`s my most vulnerable time.
     
  19. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    786
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    Sorry @Rageddy Anne I did not reply to your post, but I missed it.
    These days I am using my smartphone to enter TP and the small screen makes it a bit difficult to read all the posts.

    The place where you live must be so beautiful and peaceful.

    Here it has been sunny for a few days. It is warm by day. When I am in the garden I do not have to wear a coat. A jumper is enough. Nights are cold, by Italian standards, but never below 5/6degrees.

    Nice autumn colours, too. The vineyards around us have wonderful hues from green to orange, to brown...and also red. A memory from my studies of English literature has just crossed my mind.
    The "hectic red leaves" that seem to try to escape from an enchanter in "Ode to the West Wind".

    I do not know Laurie Lee, but Cider with Rosie made me curious.
     
  20. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    786
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    Yes, there will be, I'm afraid.
    No, I am not afraid..I mean, there are moments and feelings which are beautiful, even though they are not happy.
    They are part of us, like the person who inspired them.

    There is a man in the depth of my heart I will never forget, whose presence in my life was the greatest gift I ever had, whose memory will never fade.
    I lost him seventeen years ago. No, he did not die. He would die after few years .
    I still miss him and the pain for his loss will never end.
    Over the years the pain has become shorter in time and less frequent, but it has never lost its intensity. When it comes back it is still as it was those days seventeen years ago.


    Hope you feel better now, @Rageddy Anne.
     

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