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Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Rageddy Anne, Oct 24, 2017.
It`s emptiness, a hole. Its new.
My sister (bless her lovely heart) helped me so much..and said something really helpful when I lost Norman. She said usually in a new situation we build on past experiences to help us. But when a husband dies we are going somewhere we have never been before and our mind is completely lost. The shock makes us unstable, and it takes time. I’m not explaining this very well. Is it just me, or does everyone have an inner voice that says, it’s ok...you coped with so and so and you can do this too. But when we are are widowed, we have NOTHING to relate it to. When we lose parents, we have our husbands to comfort us...but this time round, it feels like we have to do it totally alone. I guess the bald fact is, we do have to do it totally alone. EXCEPT...EXCEPT...we are all here for you. We have done it, we have survived. It will never be the same again, but life can be good again. Different, maybe never as good as it was...but it can be good. Trust us, and hang on in there. x x x x
This is a dreadful time when we do not expect the grief that overtakes us when the final goodbyes have been said. Those who think that what we feel when losing our spouse to a care or nursing home is grief as if they had gone completely are wrong. It is nothing compared to the devastation felt at the final passing.
We think we have coped with the loss of companionship, awareness of who we are and what we have shared but we still can love them, care for them and support them. Now that has gone and we are not the same people. Not one of a couple but just one.
I feel for you and understand completely about the chair. I was already sitting in my husband’s when he was in hospital before he even entered the nursing home. I had a DVT six weeks after Dave died and a district nurse came daily to give me a heparin injection. She believed in spiritualism and she said there was a definite strong aura around that chair. Whether true or not, I found that comforting. I hope you find some comfort to support you through these so very sad times.xxx
I love what the nurse said to you about the aura round the chair. Whether we are spiritual or not, isn’t it true, that we can walk into some houses and feel at home, and others don’t feel the same? So ‘something’ makes it feel like that. And what a lovely thought, that a well loved and well used chair has something of our loved one in it? Like having a cuddle...nearly : (
Oh Sheila it’s still very early days for you so don’t make any hasty decisions, I haven’t moved Chris’s chair and have his photo on the table beside it.
Sending big hugs. Xx
How clearly you express it Saffie. The devastation of the final parting. Once in a care home the loving, caring, and supporting continues - heightens - and the seeing them. I found the loss of the physical presence hit hard, even although Henry had not lived at home with me for 5 years. That and the emptiness.
I can appreciate how comforting you found what the district nurse said.
Also hoping, Anne, that you find something comforting to help you through this particularly raw time of loss.
Sister in law in Canada, with dementia, was very poorly, but has recovered and has even smiled. She's always been so sweet natured.
Our younger son and his wife came over last evening and cooked a lovely dinner. And Rob's brother's wife is coming tomorrow to keep me company when I go back to hospital to be told what next. Feeling so fortunate to have lovely family, not everyone does.
I'm glad you have such good support Anne.
I got two lovely big fluffy throws to cover Rob's bed at the Care Home. Now I've got them here, so they'll be a comfort on cold evenings, when I shall wrap myself up in them.
Have woken early and visited the Wide awake thread. Still miss Rob bringing me a mug of tea, sleepily hearing the clunk as he put it on the bedside table. Might creep downstairs and at least replicate the clunk if I bring it back to bed.
You are one of those rare people who can appreciate the good side of things.
So nice reading your posts.
Ooh Izzy, there you are, wide awake as ever! My clunk, as I put down the mug of tea, wasn't the same as Rob's, but the tea is comforting, and there's a hint of dawn on the horizon. I hope you can stay warm today. When we lived in Scotland we had no central heating, and I still think of Scotland as cold.
Hello, Margherita, what a nice thing to say. Your English is so good, yet I think you said you're not a native speaker of English.
Is it warmer this morning than we are here? We had a white frost yesterday.
I had a vision of you trying to reproduce the ‘clunk’ with your eyes closed. If you do try that, make sure you are positioned very very carefully before you shut your eyes!! The fluffy throws sound lovely...and I too am glad that you have lovely family around you. I’m just about to get our morning coffee. Clunks coming up!
I'm Italian and live in Italy. English is a foreign language for me. I have been studying it for ages, but I realize that the more I study, the less I think I know.
I learn someting new every day.
This morning I learned "to bleed radiators " from Amethyst's thread.
Yesterday a friend of mine who is a native speaker , defined his complete happiness "unalloyed".
Never heard such an adjective (or past participle?) before..
10 degrees here. So it is not cold.
It is going to be another sunny, rainless day.
Not a good thing.
It has rained three times since the end of May
Years ago I had an Italian friend who thought she would make a pie for her Scottish husband. So she made pasta, thinking it was the same as our pastry. The pie was peculiar. We often laughed about it, and she learned how to make our soggy sort of pastry..He loved both, because she had tried so hard.
i'd never thought about the expression to bleed radiators, but it does describe it perfectly.
I love to hear Italian, though have never learnt a word. But my favourite operas are those in Italian because it sounds so beautiful. No wonder English women fall in love with Italian men...Everything they say sounds romantic!
Scotland is cold, even with central heating! Love my country but not the climate, a born sun lover!
Humm? Did you say "romantic"?
Ha! Do you know what accent REALLY is romantic? Scots! Does it for me every time!!
I am thinking of you, Raggedy Anne x