1. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    6,119
    Female
    Scotland
    #101 Loopiloo, Nov 22, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2017
    ]

    The intensity of the pain of loss even although for a shorter time and less frequent, is something I feel with remain with me. It is only 18 months since my husband died, but we met 61 years ago and married 59 years ago. Life goes on, there can now be spells of what I can only call "calmer pain of loss" - grief. But when it is worse the intensity is overwhelming.

    @Raggedy Anne. Henry also loved Christmas. I am dreading this one more than last..

    Loo xxx
     
  2. nannylondon

    nannylondon Registered User

    Apr 7, 2014
    2,478
    London
    Oh Rageddy, wish I could give you a big hug, Chris loved Christmas as well, hit me today when I was shopping started crying in Marks had to make a hasty dash to the toilets. Xx
     
  3. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,252
    Female
    Dundee
    Oh ladies - I know just how you feel. I was walking through a shopping mall with very wet eyes this morning. x
     
  4. Amethyst59

    Amethyst59 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2017
    5,738
    Female
    Kent
    The whole thing is a pile of poo. It hurts...but the raw pain does go. You get used to the new life....no one is saying it is as good...but you do get used to it. And if old family traditions hurt this year...then start some new ones. My mum’s Birthday was on Christmas Day...and she died in the November that Martin was diagnosed with cancer. Norman (my husband) had died in November too, so Christmas was already hard. Anyway, the year Mum died we went away for Christmas. On Christmas Day we were on a mountain, watching people toboggan, drinking mulled wine. It didn’t feel like Christmas....so it didn’t hurt as much.
     
  5. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,252
    Female
    Dundee
    I'm going to be with my very small family at Christmas. I don't really want to stop that as my brother doesn't keep too well now and I think it's important we are together. I was very weepy and the end of the Christmas meal last year. It was 5 months after Bill had died. I'm going to try to be a big girl this year and keep it together!

    However.... I'll be in Tenerife for Hogmanay! If I had been at home I would have stayed in and just gone to bed. I'll be with 2 friends at my friend's house in Los Gigantes. We've all been widowed in the last 2 years so that'll be new traditions for us.

    Thank you for sharing your experience @Amethyst59 - you've certainly walked the path we're now on and your letting us share in your experience is very helpful.
     
  6. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    6,119
    Female
    Scotland
    #106 Loopiloo, Nov 22, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2017
     
  7. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    6,119
    Female
    Scotland

    Oops... not married 5 years but 59! Henry died 18 months ago so married 57 years 9 months.

    Still very painful to write or say " Henry died. . ."
    Loo xx
     
  8. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    6,119
    Female
    Scotland
    Sorry I have made such a mess of this. I tried to delete the it but could not.
     
  9. jimbo 111

    jimbo 111 Registered User

    Jan 23, 2009
    5,078
    North Bucks
     
  10. jimbo 111

    jimbo 111 Registered User

    Jan 23, 2009
    5,078
    North Bucks
    margherita,,I am sure your words and thoughts will be mirrored by so many of us
    I have a favourite saying in answer to this when I am asked
    'The pain gradually recedes , but the Sting is always there '
    jimbo
     
  11. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    2,409
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    @jimbo 111,
    Your words perfectly describe what we feel.
    Yes, that "sting" which never goes away
     
  12. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,990
    Cotswolds
    Margherita, how beautifully you describe the feeling of loss. THANKYOU.

    I have a friend, an artist who lives near San Giminiano...(please excuse spelling. ) She has painted several pictures of those hectic red leaves. Her style reminds me of Monet, the light shines through the things she paints....

    Perhaps Christmas is particularly hard, as we have particular memories of past and lost pleasures....
     
  13. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,990
    Cotswolds
    THANKYOU, Jimbo..yes! The sting....that's it, exactly!
     
  14. Amethyst59

    Amethyst59 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2017
    5,738
    Female
    Kent
    The year I knew I was going to lose Norman very soon, the Dr gave me an unusual prescription. She said to go and see Mama Mia! I went with my daughter...and we laughed, and cried...and it did cheer me up for a while but I felt so OLD. I felt like a great Grandma, watching people laughing and loving, and thought how lovely for them...but that’s not for me any more. And then I watched Christmas decorations going up, and felt the same old, sad, half smile...how lovely, but not for me any more.
    It was like looking at the world through a window (ha! shades of the Bible, looking through a window half darkly!) I was in the world but not a part of it.
    But these feelings of sadness and detachment do go. I promise.
    (Unless you are an absolute idiot like me, fall in love, and get on the old merry go round again. Hey ho!)
     
  15. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    6,119
    Female
    Scotland
    I know that detached from the world feeling, Amethyst.

    Surely not an absolute idiot?! Falling in love is a wonderful feeling and can be hard to resist!

    I have a friend whose husband died 4 years ago and a few months ago she told us she had fallen in love again! She is 79,very sensible and young at heart, he is 69. They sound to be having a wonderful time together, and a lot of travel. Carp Diem!

    Loo xxx
     
  16. Amethyst59

    Amethyst59 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2017
    5,738
    Female
    Kent
    When my sister and I were widowed in 2008 and 2009, she said...’ok, toy boys next time’! Neither of us took her advice! But yes, I truly believe it is ‘better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved st all’. How lovely for your friend. It puts a smile on your face doesn’t it?
     
  17. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    6,119
    Female
    Scotland
    Yes I think so. Although Christmases do gradually change throughout life. I used to have 14 family every Christmas... Then it came to just we two in latter years, and now just me. Sometimes Elaine was with us, sometimes Lorraine, younger daughter. Definitely just me this year, Elaine will be in Australia. Younger daughter can't travel. Grandchildren making their own Christmases now with their young families. All too far away anyway.

    I came across a lot of photos of past Christmases over the years and it sure did bring back many memories. I am putting all those photos in a separate album.

    I hope you are alright, Anne, coping with treatment and that you will be in France for this Christmas, with family - and that lovely view.

    Loo xxx
     
  18. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    6,119
    Female
    Scotland
    #118 Loopiloo, Nov 24, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2017
    [QUOTE="Amethyst59, post: 1470021, member: 67031

    But yes, I truly believe it is ‘better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved st all’. How lovely for your friend. It puts a smile on your face doesn’t it?[/QUOTE]
    ~~~~~~~~~


    Yes, better to have loved and lost.... even although the loss is very deeply felt.

    Yes we are all happy for our friend and feel her joy. Even if deep down also a wee bit worried.... But why not enjoy happiness when it comes. He's not quite a toy boy,10 years younger. Her first husband was 17 years older! They had a good marriage until his last three years of ill health.

    I hope you are having a good day and feeling more your usual self. Panic now setting in with me since a text from daughter Elaine, she and SIL drove down to his folks last night so will be here earlier than I expected tomorrow! :eek: Didn't know going there first and then coming here! I have their Christmas gifts to wrap - which takes forever - and awaiting a delivery of some of them, hoping it does arrive today... was supposed to do so yesterday! :mad:

    Now I must must wash my hair, quite a slow... slow... challenge for me nowadays, but I look like 'the wild woman of Borneo'! (where did that expression come from?!) I knew I should have done it yesterday.... Plus other must do things today.

    A beautiful morn has suddenly changed to a dull grey cloudy one. Very cold.

    Love
    Loo xxx
     
  19. Amethyst59

    Amethyst59 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2017
    5,738
    Female
    Kent
    ~~~~~~~~~

    Yes, better to have loved and lost.... even although the loss is very deeply felt.

    Yes we are all happy for our friend and feel her joy. Even if deep down also a wee bit worried.... But why not enjoy happiness when it comes. He's not quite a toy boy,10 years younger. Her first husband was 17 years older! They had a good marriage until his last three years of ill health.

    I hope you are having a good day and feeling more your usual self. Panic now setting in with me since a text from daughter Elaine, she and SIL drove down to his folks last night so will be here earlier than I expected tomorrow! :eek: Didn't know going there first and then coming here! I have their Christmas gifts to wrap - which takes forever - and awaiting a delivery of some of them, hoping it does arrive today... was supposed to do so yesterday! :mad:

    Now I must must wash my hair, quite a slow... slow... challenge for me nowadays, but I look like 'the wild woman of Borneo'! (where did that expression come from?!) I knew I should have done it yesterday.... Plus other must do things today.

    A beautiful morn has suddenly changed to a dull grey cloudy one. Very cold.

    Love
    Loo xxx[/QUOTE]
    Then do your hair as quickly as you can and get back in the warm. Hope your packages arrive. Ha! They will...as soon as you are half stripped and head under water. Guaranteed! I hope you enjoy tomorrow x x x
     
  20. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,990
    Cotswolds
    When my father in law remarried, the vicar said he had paid his first wife the ultimate compliment, by entering marriage again...
     

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