Hello , I have been to look round a care home today, and I am absolutely heartbroken with guilt and I havnt done anything yet. The care home was nice, but I know my mum will not want to go and will be very upset ,which breaks my Heart thinking about it. She is 93 year old, memory loss Dementia , just had a chest infection and is very weak I think carers coming won’t help really, she just sits all day with her eyes closed. Im there sleeping over at the moment, I hate to think of her sat there all the time with eyes closed, she has been going to a day care centre twice a week, she enjoys the company, I think that’s what she needs, so that’s why I’m looking in to care home initially respite for a week or two. I feel so weak my husband and daughter say they will take her. What should I do, she can’t care for herself anymore,I wash and dress her, but she’s says I’m fine I can look after myself. Sad 😢
Care home,
- Thread starter Scampston
- Start date
Hello @Scampston , it’s one of the toughest calls but you can’t carry on like this. In a home your mum will get 24/7 care, others will be around and her needs will be met. Remember you are doing this because you love her and care about her and these are not things to feel bad about.
If as you say she enjoys the company at the day care centre then might it be that company 24/7 might not be enjoyable for her too.
Might be some degree of loneliness is part of the problem, the mental stimulation of being around others may help her, just a thought.
K
Might be some degree of loneliness is part of the problem, the mental stimulation of being around others may help her, just a thought.
K
Hello @Scampston, I find myself in exactly the same position. My dad 85yrs old was diagnosed with mild vascular dementia and alzheimers in July 23, functioning well with day to day things, still allowed to drive and going out to lunch socialising with friends. Christmas day that changed and he had some form of dementia related episode similar to, but not a stroke and has not left the hospital since, he has fallen several times in hospital and now has 2 lumbar fractures, he cannot string a sentence of words together and the consultants have said he cannot return home. We are currently waiting for a care assessment before we can finalise a home for him, but I am racked with guilt about putting him into care, but I have my own health issues and just cannot cope with his aggression or lifting him etc because he can't walk anymore. It's so upsetting and sad and I am struggling when i see him because it's happened so quickly, I believed we still had time with him but he doesn't seem to recognise me most of the time.
@Kevinl yes apologies I worded that wrong it is nursing he needs, I’m not quite sure if he will qualify for chc I did successfully appeal a refusal for his wife who had a stroke but we will see, they said they will assess him for it but if not we will have to fund from his savings until the money runs out 😵💫
Hello Scampston. I know exactly how you feel. My mum is 93 years old with mixed dementia and I also have to put her into a home. I have just had spinal surgery and she was with my sister in Italy whilst I had the op and whilst I should be recovering. However, she had a fall and my sister can no longer look after her so I have arranged for her to come back to England and go directly into a home. This may be temporary but likely to be permanent and I, like you, feel so guilty, so heart-broken. I can't bear the thought of her all alone in the home, perhaps wondering where I am. I won't even be able to visit much, if at all initially, as I can only walk for a few minutes at a time. I just keep bursting into tears throughout the day. I know it's my only choice but it's so very hard! How do others come to terms with doing this?
I find it painful reading these posts. Its such a hard decision to make. My mum went to a nursing home from hospital.
She's in another one now as the first one didn't seem to know how to care for her.
I have to say the staff only know her as the old lady she is now. She has Delirium and dementia creeping in. She tells me she feels muddled and has bad dreams. She sleeps a lot but when the staff see her awake they get her up and she sits in the dayroom with other residents. They really don't want her alone in her room all day. On week days they have an afternoon activity.
She was lively and vibrant 10 months ago and occasionally we get see a glimpse of this part of her. The whole scenario of watching her slowly deteriorate is just awful.
If you are able to find a nursing home that is near enough for you to visit anytime and has staff that are honest that may help to give you some peace of mind. My heart goes out to you all.
She's in another one now as the first one didn't seem to know how to care for her.
I have to say the staff only know her as the old lady she is now. She has Delirium and dementia creeping in. She tells me she feels muddled and has bad dreams. She sleeps a lot but when the staff see her awake they get her up and she sits in the dayroom with other residents. They really don't want her alone in her room all day. On week days they have an afternoon activity.
She was lively and vibrant 10 months ago and occasionally we get see a glimpse of this part of her. The whole scenario of watching her slowly deteriorate is just awful.
If you are able to find a nursing home that is near enough for you to visit anytime and has staff that are honest that may help to give you some peace of mind. My heart goes out to you all.
Your head and your heart are saying two different things, which is completely normal. There comes a time when someone with dementia needs a team of carers, and a care home is a home where they will receive 24/7 care, by a whole team of staff who are not exhausted.
My dad went into a home for respite while my mum had an operation and he has enjoyed it so much - he is happier than he has been in years. He needed the stimulation, the socialisation and the constant care. We are happy that he is happy, even though we never wanted him to go into care. It really has been the best decision, although I question myself about it every day.
Please do look into it, just as an option - she may settle really well but if she doesn’t then at least you’ll know that you have explored all the options. Good luck x
My dad went into a home for respite while my mum had an operation and he has enjoyed it so much - he is happier than he has been in years. He needed the stimulation, the socialisation and the constant care. We are happy that he is happy, even though we never wanted him to go into care. It really has been the best decision, although I question myself about it every day.
Please do look into it, just as an option - she may settle really well but if she doesn’t then at least you’ll know that you have explored all the options. Good luck x
Hello @Scampston, I know how hard it is and I am really struggling with Mum being in the home. However, I would like to say that some of the other residents at Mums home are really happy. They do daily activities and trips out and all of the residents are well fed and well cared for. It is good that you are trying it for a week or two.
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