Elderly mother in care home with dementia

[carolinejohnson16]

My 92 year old mother is visited by me every other day in a residential home.
It is very difficult for me watching her decline.Very frail,poor mobility incontinence and whenever she sees me she constantly complains about the staff and how they care for her. Nothing is ever right for her and I certainly can't please her. and with me she is never happy.The care staff say when I'm away she is smiling and obliging .
I have been her main carer at home before and till now for 4 years .If I as much as say anything to defend myself she accuses me of being difficult and goes into a sulk.I am getting fed up of the situation .I'm afraid the carers will think I'm emotionally abusing her as of late we have not got on.I bought her a dress and she didnt want it saying it was too tight but it didnt look it..I said I would send it back and she went into a sulk again. saying she's all alone in care home but I visit so often.I feel terrible she is there and the situation she is in.
I find it so hard.

 

[Violet Jane]

I'm afraid that the behaviour you describe is very common. I don't think that you should worry about the carers thinking that you are emotionally abusing your mother. I would seriously consider visiting your mother less often and / or for shorter periods as the visits don't seem to be making either of you happy. Hold onto the fact that your mother seems to be happy when you are not there, even if that is hard to hear.

Please don't feel guilty about your mother being in a care home. It's not your fault that she has dementia and needs care from a team of people.

And it is hard seeing your PWD declining and becoming a shell of the person s/he once was. In fact, I'd say that in the later stages it's more than hard; it's harrowing.

Please keep posting for support. You will find a lot of understanding here.

 

[canary]

As violet jane says, its very common. I saw it so many times with other residents in mums care home. They would be perfectly happy, chatting and laughing then their relatives arrived and it was like a switch being thrown.

The staff will have seen it all before and will not think that you are abusing her. Seeing you seems to be triggering these thoughts and having a break from visiting may break this cycle

 

[Angel55]

My 92 year old mother is visited by me every other day in a residential home.
It is very difficult for me watching her decline.Very frail,poor mobility incontinence and whenever she sees me she constantly complains about the staff and how they care for her. Nothing is ever right for her and I certainly can't please her. and with me she is never happy.The care staff say when I'm away she is smiling and obliging .
I have been her main carer at home before and till now for 4 years .If I as much as say anything to defend myself she accuses me of being difficult and goes into a sulk.I am getting fed up of the situation .I'm afraid the carers will think I'm emotionally abusing her as of late we have not got on.I bought her a dress and she didnt want it saying it was too tight but it didnt look it..I said I would send it back and she went into a sulk again. saying she's all alone in care home but I visit so often.I feel terrible she is there and the situation she is in.
I find it so hard.

💗
I think it is really quite common. The staff see all sorts of variations of the same themes and are well versed usually. I emphasise with you completely. I have not faired a lot better myself on visits but if you need a break, give yourself permission to do so, no-one will judge except yourself and sometimes it is okay NOT to visit or visit less for a while.