Hello everyone, could do with some more advice. On Friday, the day after my parents moved into their home, and when I was taking onboard your advice about getting some rest and how the pandemic and associated closure of homes might make this easier to achieve, I got a call from a lovely nurse at the home. She wanted me to know an exception to the no visitor rule had been made for me, provided I wore a mask and shield, and that I could come in whenever I wanted so I could settle them in. I muttered something about my visits potentially (almost certainly) disrupting them, was assured they wouldn’t, and then said thank you. I was, to be honest, very upset, and will explain why below, and for the next couple of days asked my brother (who lives hundreds of miles away) to phone the home once a day to speak to my parents and to say I was unwell and couldn’t visit. Today I am contemplating visiting and dreading it.
There are several reasons I feel this way.
1) I think - but may be wrong- that as soon as my parents see me they will try to insist I take them away from the home. This will be upsetting for them and me and their settling in will go backwards.
2) Since lockdown, other than the move, I have not seen them because their previous home, an extra care housing flat, was shut to outside visitors. When I turned up on the day of the move my parents seemed totally unaware I hadn’t been there for 8 weeks. As far as they were aware it could have been a day, a week, a year etc.
3) my husband is in the shielded group and other than the all too intimate act of moving my parents ( me not him, lots of masks and shields, clothes off at door of our home, too much soap than is good for anyone's skin) we have been isolated since lockdown. So the thought of risking exposure for him every time I visit is very difficult, even though I can probably keep risk low with above measures.
4) it feels wrong to be an exception to visitors to the home. What if I inadvertently bring it in. I know the home are trying to be kind but it still worries me, and how do I visit for a while and then explain how suddenly no longer safe for me to visit? Which one is it?
5) and finally something I would have felt even without covid: I find it excruciating to see my parents. It is impossible to have a conversation with my mother, there is only confusion and sadness and blame in her eyes, and no sign of any pleasure at my visits. I am left not knowing what to say. My father does still sometimes appreciate my visits but often immediately tells me everything that isn’t being done for him and what is wrong and can I sort it out. These are invariably things like personal help they have asked me to arrange but then rejected when offered, eg nail cutting, shaving. I guess what I’m saying is I am so battered and bruised by years of demands that are impossible to satisfy and being made to feel guilty for my parents’ situation that lockdown has been both excruciating and a relief, and now my parents have all the care they need I just want to be able to back away for a while. But how long? Will covid risk go on forever? Or what might as well be forever if your 88 and 92.
So some sound reasons for not visiting too much plus a selfish and rather childish ‘it won’t be fun’ reason. Guilt and anxiety in equal measure. And at the centre of this two people whom I love very much and who deserve better. So advice, please, on how to get this right. Thank you.