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Help please: moving parents to home during pandemic

Trekker

Registered User
Jun 18, 2019
206
London
I completely agree with @canary , they don’t know your situation so I would do just that , ring them , thank them for the consideration but refrain from visiting and please do not feel guilty and take some time for yourself during lockdown . They are well cared for and will probably not realise when you do visit that you haven’t . Be kind to you and give that guilt monster a great big whack and send him off to somewhere else . Take care .
A great big whack- the made me smile, thank you.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,592
South coast
I think the carer thought seeing you might make your parents settle better, but I think the reverse is likely to be the case.
I second that.
It is up to you when you visit - no-one else, but I guess the care home is being inundated with requests to see relatives, especially with new residents whose relatives are worried about what the care home is like. I think it would be better not to visit because of all the points you have mentioned, but you dont have to say all of this to the care home. Just tell them about your husband.

Then reach for the guilt monster stick and give it a good bashing.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
281
Well done @Trekker. It sounds as though your gargantuan efforts have paid off and you can finally enjoy a rest with a clear conscience!
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,379
That is such good news @Trekker. Glad the misunderstanding was cleared up, and that sounds an honest assessment of how they are. Hope your dad can start to relax and realise his wife is in good hands.
 

Louise7

Registered User
Mar 25, 2016
2,127
Just spoke to the manager at the nursing home. She said they are not allowing visitors at moment, exception for me was for day of move only, and nurse I spoke to who said I should come in as much as I wanted had misunderstood.
It's really good news that your parents have settled in so well, so quickly, and you can have a well deserved break. Hope the nurse hasn't been letting other people in 'as much as they want' o_O
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
763
Hi @Trekker, I've just been catching up with your thread - sorry I haven't posted earlier as I could have provided some reassurance from my experience. When my Mum went into residential care she improved quite dramatically and really enjoyed it (with all of the activities, church services etc) - despite vowing never to go into a home. When the time is right it is certainly the best thing, and from what you have said that is now. Whilst you are shielding your husband visits are really out of the question, and in that settling in period its probably for the best. Perhaps you might be able to speak with them on the phone, or write to them if that is something they would prefer. You need to look after yourself through this too, as the emotional strain can really take its toll. Take care.
 

Trekker

Registered User
Jun 18, 2019
206
London
Hi @Trekker, I've just been catching up with your thread - sorry I haven't posted earlier as I could have provided some reassurance from my experience. When my Mum went into residential care she improved quite dramatically and really enjoyed it (with all of the activities, church services etc) - despite vowing never to go into a home. When the time is right it is certainly the best thing, and from what you have said that is now. Whilst you are shielding your husband visits are really out of the question, and in that settling in period its probably for the best. Perhaps you might be able to speak with them on the phone, or write to them if that is something they would prefer. You need to look after yourself through this too, as the emotional strain can really take its toll. Take care.
Thank you, Pete, good advice. I will phone and send gifts and cards. I’m so pleased your mum did so well, hopefully mine will do the same.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
311
I just wanted to add that I totally understand the guilt - I live about a seven hour drive away and can't, practically speaking, visit very often - I have to have three days clear to go down. I find it very mentally challenging to visit my home town because it brings back very painful memories of my parents splitting up when I was a teenager and the following years being very difficult as a result. I still feel guilty even now when I know I'm not allowed to go, but also a bit relieved. I have a brother who lives a short walk away from the home but he has yet to cross the threshold of the care home for the same reasons above plus witnessing the earlier decline of my dad who was quite horrible to him. Perhaps we can have a virtual guilt monster hitting session together!

I was never in a position to visit daily so didn't have that to contend with but I agree from reading other threads on here, it doesn't always settle them and I'm sure your instincts are right. I wouldn't be going anywhere from now if I were you with a shielding husband. You'll see in time - soon, I hope - that this was the best thing you could do for them, and maybe you'll get to be a daughter again. Or like me, sometimes even a sister as well!
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
633
Trekker your efforts have been brilliant at this very difficult time.
I think this thread throws up one (among other) issues with care homes, is that sometimes, communication is not always good.
They should have been much clearer about visiting and had a bit more understanding about how all this is affecting you as well as your parents. I think I said earlier in the thread, and still believe, that a bit of time at the start of a CH residency, settling in without visitors (though the current situation is exceptional) may actually be beneficial. I was very lucky that after a wobble or two Mummy settled in very well and there were very few emotional scenes, though the increasing toll of dementia brings it's own problems.
I hope your parents continue to settle in well.
 

Trekker

Registered User
Jun 18, 2019
206
London
I just wanted to add that I totally understand the guilt - I live about a seven hour drive away and can't, practically speaking, visit very often - I have to have three days clear to go down. I find it very mentally challenging to visit my home town because it brings back very painful memories of my parents splitting up when I was a teenager and the following years being very difficult as a result. I still feel guilty even now when I know I'm not allowed to go, but also a bit relieved. I have a brother who lives a short walk away from the home but he has yet to cross the threshold of the care home for the same reasons above plus witnessing the earlier decline of my dad who was quite horrible to him. Perhaps we can have a virtual guilt monster hitting session together!

I was never in a position to visit daily so didn't have that to contend with but I agree from reading other threads on here, it doesn't always settle them and I'm sure your instincts are right. I wouldn't be going anywhere from now if I were you with a shielding husband. You'll see in time - soon, I hope - that this was the best thing you could do for them, and maybe you'll get to be a daughter again. Or like me, sometimes even a sister as well!
Thank you for your support and for sharing your story. I love the idea of a virtual guilt monster bashing session. My husband and I have decided we should make a video for our kids telling them, when it’s our turn, to place us in a home, not feel guilty on our account, and if we’re mean to them to please remember we will still love them deep down very much.
 

Trekker

Registered User
Jun 18, 2019
206
London
Trekker your efforts have been brilliant at this very difficult time.
I think this thread throws up one (among other) issues with care homes, is that sometimes, communication is not always good.
They should have been much clearer about visiting and had a bit more understanding about how all this is affecting you as well as your parents. I think I said earlier in the thread, and still believe, that a bit of time at the start of a CH residency, settling in without visitors (though the current situation is exceptional) may actually be beneficial. I was very lucky that after a wobble or two Mummy settled in very well and there were very few emotional scenes, though the increasing toll of dementia brings it's own problems.
I hope your parents continue to settle in well.
Thank you x
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,496
66
Toronto, Canada
@Trekker I'm glad that your parents are starting to settle so quickly. As for that guilt monster, let me reinforce what everyone else has been saying and knock it right off your shoulder.

Now, please take care of yourself and treat yourself to something you really like.
 

Trekker

Registered User
Jun 18, 2019
206
London
@Trekker I'm glad that your parents are starting to settle so quickly. As for that guilt monster, let me reinforce what everyone else has been saying and knock it right off your shoulder.

Now, please take care of yourself and treat yourself to something you really like.
Thank you. Giving it increasingly larger shoves thanks to everyone’s encouragement. An even larger glass and some prawn tempura plus a silly distracting movie are planned for this evening :)
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,938
South East
Thank you. Giving it increasingly larger shoves thanks to everyone’s encouragement. An even larger glass and some prawn tempura plus a silly distracting movie are planned for this evening :)
Sounds just right .... relax and enjoy 🙂 Tell him to do a vanishing act or beat the little blighter🙉
 

Trekker

Registered User
Jun 18, 2019
206
London
Hello everyone, just wanted to give you an update on my parents’ move to a nursing home 3 weeks ago. My mother is doing much better. Has gone from having always refused personal care, spending most of the time in bed, and falling frequently, to allowing personal care, sitting in lounge, engaging happily with others, and being less breathless and not falling now that one of meds stopped. My dad not doing so well, same clothes for three weeks and continues to refuse all personal care and the blood tests they want to do. It has also become clear that he tries to get my mum up and dressed many times a night and that he is verbally abusive to her, especially when she goes to the lounge and he wants her back in her room. Just spoke to their GP and she is going to start him on the antipsychotic risperidone ( forgot to mention he thinks he is the ex head of special forces, his hands are killing machines, and he has a Victoria Cross). I hope he will take the pill, if not they can - with much form filling- give it to him covertly. Anyway, good progress I think, and I feel certain now that moving them was and is the right thing to do.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
763
Hi @Trekker, that sounds like reassurance for you too, which is important. I guess the things that were probably going on hidden behind closed doors can now be addressed. It does sound as though Mum is flourishing. Hopefully in time (and perhaps with some medication) Dad will settle too. I know it probably seems like a lifetime in the current situation but three weeks isn't a long time at all. It sounds as though they are in good hands, and certainly safer than their home environment. I hope you have managed the odd call - it must be difficult not being able to visit. All the best.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,938
South East
That is sounding so much better @Trekker , so glad mum is doing so well , sure once the tablets take effect dad will soon be much the same ,it must be a little stress lifted to know they are being well cared for and supported .
 

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