Hello everyone, haven’t posted for a while but could really do with some advice/ moral support. Both my parents have dementia, my mother 91 more advanced than my dad 88, and have needed to move to a home for some time but resisted it. Things began to a come to a head in March and after a safeguarding meeting their council approved move for both to a really good nearby home. Then lockdown, and then a corona outbreak in home, now mercifully under control. So first the move was on hold and not in their best interests with in days of being in their best interests, and now the odds (so far as I and their GP can calculate them) are back in favour of a move. That move, in theory, happens tomorrow. I will be on my own- my shielded husband can’t come and afterwards we will need to separate for 14 days, if we can bear it. I haven’t been able to see my parents since the lockdown, the extra care housing and my husband’s situation haven’t allowed that. So when I turn up that will be strange enough. Then trying to move them even more so. My mother thinks there is nothing wrong with her, complains no one helps her, rejects all offers of help from her carers, slips onto the floor when getting out of bed, wants an ambulance every time she gets indigestion, yet rejects the idea that she needs the extra help a nursing home could provide. My dad, whose dementia is less advanced, says he will move as best for my mum and in next breath angrily says doesn’t want to move, like he wants me to take responsibility for it so he isn’t to blame, and then, of course, forgets entire conversation ever took place. All of which is a very long way of saying I am absolutely terrified of what tomorrow holds, which may account for the migraines I’ve had for the past ten days. So any ideas or suggestions on how to proceed much appreciated. Thank you. Debbie.
Help please: moving parents to home during pandemic
- Thread starter Trekker
- Start date
@Trekker Who will be helping you with the actual physical move of getting them to the home? If you don't have anyone, I strongly suggest that you say you're taking them out for a meal. Let the home know that they should have tea & biscuits ready for them. The important thing is to get them to the home. As for clothing etc, go back and pack cases for them to tide them over for a week or two to take in immediately. In a couple of days you can then go and bring more to the nursing home.
Do not be afraid or feel guilty to give yourself a few days or even a week or two off to a) allow your parents to settle in a bit and b) give yourself a much needed break. You can call the home to see how they are doing but really, I think you need to take care of yourself physically and mentally.
Do not be afraid or feel guilty to give yourself a few days or even a week or two off to a) allow your parents to settle in a bit and b) give yourself a much needed break. You can call the home to see how they are doing but really, I think you need to take care of yourself physically and mentally.
Thank you Joanne, those are good ideas. My fear is that my mother will say she is too tired to go for a meal and wants to stay in bed, as she often does these days because the effort of getting up, let alone dressed, is too much, but I’ll try. I feel like a need a dozen Groundhog Day lines of approach in case the first 11 fail. And yes, I’ll be on my own, other than the transport I’ve managed to arrange. I’ve told the company it may take me an hour or 3 to get my parents moving and they have said they will wait.
Hello @Trekker . Glad you have managed to arrange some transport. That's a lot to take on by yourself. How would "a little break" go down with your mum and dad? Somewhere where they can have a nice rest and have all the cooking and so on done for them? All paid for by the family, bit of a treat for them.
Hello @Trekker 
Moving someone to acare home is draining at the best of times, but during this pandemic is even worse.
I agree with Canadian Joanne - the main thing is to get them there and her suggestion of them going for a meal is a good one. Phone the care home and arrange for a meal for them (probably lunch time), so that they go straight in and are shown to the dinning room. As its in lockdown, you probably wont be able to go in, so when you arrive and they are expecting you to go in too, make some excuse eg - Ive just got to get something from the car, so you go in ahead. The care home staff will be used to this sort of thing and will be able to take it from there.
Next, go back and pack and find out where to leave the cases.
Where are you staying for the next 2 weeks? Can you arrange for some wine and a takeaway for when you get back?
Moving someone to acare home is draining at the best of times, but during this pandemic is even worse.
I agree with Canadian Joanne - the main thing is to get them there and her suggestion of them going for a meal is a good one. Phone the care home and arrange for a meal for them (probably lunch time), so that they go straight in and are shown to the dinning room. As its in lockdown, you probably wont be able to go in, so when you arrive and they are expecting you to go in too, make some excuse eg - Ive just got to get something from the car, so you go in ahead. The care home staff will be used to this sort of thing and will be able to take it from there.
Next, go back and pack and find out where to leave the cases.
Where are you staying for the next 2 weeks? Can you arrange for some wine and a takeaway for when you get back?
Thank you, another good idea, think I’m going to get through a few before one sticks.
BTW, when you go round to get your parents ready, put on the performance of a lifetime - be terribly upbeat and positive. My mum used to "mirror" my moods, so if I was cheerful and positive, she would be too. Watch your body language and just act like they are going out for a big treat and its a done deal.
Thank you, all good suggestions, especially the idea of having an excuse for why I can’t come in. I’ll stay in a different part of the house but like the idea of wine and foodHello @Trekker
Moving someone to acare home is draining at the best of times, but during this pandemic is even worse.
I agree with Canadian Joanne - the main thing is to get them there and her suggestion of them going for a meal is a good one. Phone the care home and arrange for a meal for them (probably lunch time), so that they go straight in and are shown to the dinning room. As its in lockdown, you probably wont be able to go in, so when you arrive and they are expecting you to go in too, make some excuse eg - Ive just got to get something from the car, so you go in ahead. The care home staff will be used to this sort of thing and will be able to take it from there.
Next, go back and pack and find out where to leave the cases.
Where are you staying for the next 2 weeks? Can you arrange for some wine and a takeaway for when you get back?
We’re trying to work if I really need to separate, provided I wear mask and visor, strip off at door, bathe immediately etc. Will depend on how close up I need to get while moving my parents 8 suppose.I’m so grateful you said that, you are spot on. My body unmoderated body language would scream out ‘ be frightened, a disaster is here, all is doom and gloom’ and that is what they would pick up on. I need to revive my previous jolly jolly performances, lots of smiles and laughter, and hand squeezing. Worried mask and visor will make this impossible, but if I take it off can’t get close. Ah well, twas never going to be easy.
Would making it into a sort of joke work? Like it was a sort of fancy dress. Hey mum, what do you think? They say Ive to wear this. Do you think it suits me?
I think the lunch idea is a good one, after all they will be having lunch.
I did the jolly thing all day when I took Mummy, though that did begin to slip towards the end. I would advise, slip away as soon as you can, ideally when they are being taken away for tea and biscuits or a meal. Agree with the staff in advance that you will go.
The fact that you can't visit at the moment, whilst awful, does give them a chance to get to know the staff and settle in. Too many visits can strangely make things harder.
Allow yourself time, afterwards to be upset. This is hugely stressful for you too. However, for many of us, it is the only safe and sensible option. Mummy is very happy in her home, albeit in rather uncertain times.
I did the jolly thing all day when I took Mummy, though that did begin to slip towards the end. I would advise, slip away as soon as you can, ideally when they are being taken away for tea and biscuits or a meal. Agree with the staff in advance that you will go.
The fact that you can't visit at the moment, whilst awful, does give them a chance to get to know the staff and settle in. Too many visits can strangely make things harder.
Allow yourself time, afterwards to be upset. This is hugely stressful for you too. However, for many of us, it is the only safe and sensible option. Mummy is very happy in her home, albeit in rather uncertain times.
So just spoke to the nursing home and move postponed to Thursday because 1) no longer have two rooms close to each other on ground floor, where I could have waved to them through windows- was so happy at this prospect (they currently are on third floor so not possible 2) one room needs painting and this will be done today. I am frustrated as moving date was discussed with home last Wednesday but only today, when I phoned again, did the person I spoke with and who is in charge of admissions speak to the manager and the issues above get considered. I know they are very stretched and stressed and don’t blame anyone. Just sad and stressed.
Oh no , that is frustrating when you have got yourself geared up for a stressful day . Hope all goes to plan for Thursday . Takeaway still a good idea .
.Thank you xOh no , that is frustrating when you have got yourself geared up for a stressful day . Hope all goes to plan for Thursday . Takeaway still a good idea
