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Help please: moving parents to home during pandemic

Trekker

Registered User
Jun 18, 2019
206
London
Hi @Trekker, that sounds like reassurance for you too, which is important. I guess the things that were probably going on hidden behind closed doors can now be addressed. It does sound as though Mum is flourishing. Hopefully in time (and perhaps with some medication) Dad will settle too. I know it probably seems like a lifetime in the current situation but three weeks isn't a long time at all. It sounds as though they are in good hands, and certainly safer than their home environment. I hope you have managed the odd call - it must be difficult not being able to visit. All the best.
Thanks, Pete. I feel much better than I did, and grateful for all the care they are receiving. I have managed several calls, all with my dad, you was quite jolly once, angry and slamming the phone down a couple of hours later. My brother got through to my mum once and she was happy, thought she was in hospital and this was her first day. I must admit that I dread calling because I don’t know what response I’ll be greeted with from my dad. To protect myself, I’ve set up, for the first time, a rota with my brother whereby he calls 3 days a week. Two of my daughters also call. It’s my turn today and I am unlikely to get my mum, who tends to be in the lounge, away from the phone in her room, and anyway she is so confused she might not know who I was. My dad, if he answers, will demand I ‘get them out of here’ and will get angry if I explain I can’t do that. Am really hoping the medication will make him calmer and happier and less combative, as much for my sake, if I am honest, as for theirs.
 

Trekker

Registered User
Jun 18, 2019
206
London
That is sounding so much better @Trekker , so glad mum is doing so well , sure once the tablets take effect dad will soon be much the same ,it must be a little stress lifted to know they are being well cared for and supported .
Thank you, yes, I feel much less stressed. I can still hardly believe I managed the move, let alone that my mum is now thriving. Would be so wonderful if my dad could get to the same position as my mum. Fingers crossed x
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,952
South East
I’m glad :) , you certainly did very well to get them there and made the best decision. I’m sure he will, he certainly has the opportunity to with the support in place .🤞take care .
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,607
South coast
My dad, if he answers, will demand I ‘get them out of here’ and will get angry if I explain I can’t do that.
Its no good trying to explain, it is impossible for them to understand why.. Try saying something like - yes, youll get them back, just as soon as the doctor says its OK.........
(thats what I used to say to mum each time she asked. Eventually she stopped asking)
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
636
As regards covert medication giving, they give my Mum her meds like this. It isn't ideal, but once the DOLS was agreed, and I had been consulted along with a variety of others, we changed the formulation of some meds to liquid where possible and these are mixed in with juice. It can be a bit of a double edged sword, as the meds still taste "chalky" and Mummy has, on occasions been wary about drinking because she knows there is something she doesn;t like in it. On balance though, she has Biploar disorder, so the tablets are necessary.
 

Trekker

Registered User
Jun 18, 2019
206
London
As regards covert medication giving, they give my Mum her meds like this. It isn't ideal, but once the DOLS was agreed, and I had been consulted along with a variety of others, we changed the formulation of some meds to liquid where possible and these are mixed in with juice. It can be a bit of a double edged sword, as the meds still taste "chalky" and Mummy has, on occasions been wary about drinking because she knows there is something she doesn;t like in it. On balance though, she has Biploar disorder, so the tablets are necessary.
Thanks, Helly, I wasn’t sure how it would work. I hope it is helping you mother x
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
311
Hello everyone, just wanted to give you an update on my parents’ move to a nursing home 3 weeks ago. My mother is doing much better. Has gone from having always refused personal care, spending most of the time in bed, and falling frequently, to allowing personal care, sitting in lounge, engaging happily with others, and being less breathless and not falling now that one of meds stopped. My dad not doing so well, same clothes for three weeks and continues to refuse all personal care and the blood tests they want to do. It has also become clear that he tries to get my mum up and dressed many times a night and that he is verbally abusive to her, especially when she goes to the lounge and he wants her back in her room. Just spoke to their GP and she is going to start him on the antipsychotic risperidone ( forgot to mention he thinks he is the ex head of special forces, his hands are killing machines, and he has a Victoria Cross). I hope he will take the pill, if not they can - with much form filling- give it to him covertly. Anyway, good progress I think, and I feel certain now that moving them was and is the right thing to do.
My Dad still thinks he taking or giving flying lessons from time to time. He was brought up in a Christian Science household and after a lifetime of not really taking medication (and not really needing a lot either) but having a fair amount of surgery, he's decided against pills much of the time. His carers are aware of this and he was prescribed iron tablets, which became iron sachets, given in juice. However they have now managed to persuade him to take the iron supplement in tablet form before dinner, and now he takes all the medications then. His GP wanted him to take one at bedtime but it makes for dad being up all night agitated and refusing to cooperate, while the carers are trying to get him to take a tablet...
 

Trekker

Registered User
Jun 18, 2019
206
London
My Dad still thinks he taking or giving flying lessons from time to time. He was brought up in a Christian Science household and after a lifetime of not really taking medication (and not really needing a lot either) but having a fair amount of surgery, he's decided against pills much of the time. His carers are aware of this and he was prescribed iron tablets, which became iron sachets, given in juice. However they have now managed to persuade him to take the iron supplement in tablet form before dinner, and now he takes all the medications then. His GP wanted him to take one at bedtime but it makes for dad being up all night agitated and refusing to cooperate, while the carers are trying to get him to take a tablet...
I am sorry, that sounds so difficult for you, worrying whether he’ll take it or whether he’ll be agitated and not cooperate. Such a very cruel disease.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
311
I am sorry, that sounds so difficult for you, worrying whether he’ll take it or whether he’ll be agitated and not cooperate. Such a very cruel disease.
The home has been great though, they sometimes find if they give him all his tablets together he will just take them. He's very dismissive of them having any positive effect though, and is quick to blame them for anything negative! They have worked with his GP on it and it's a load off my mind to have their care. Hope you are doing ok today.
 

Trekker

Registered User
Jun 18, 2019
206
London
The home has been great though, they sometimes find if they give him all his tablets together he will just take them. He's very dismissive of them having any positive effect though, and is quick to blame them for anything negative! They have worked with his GP on it and it's a load off my mind to have their care. Hope you are doing ok today.
That’s good to hear. The home and GP working well together, and communicating with us the family, seems to be key. My dad started on his risperidone yesterday so fingers crossed it will help. I have had several confused calls from my dad since yesterday and two calls from wonderful nurses and am so relieved they are where they are. Really important that my dad’s meds work because it is now clear he is a danger to my mother, whose room is across from his, as he tries to help her by getting her up throughout the night and calls the bell constantly for her. Last night I found a beautiful photo of them from 2015. They were sitting on a bench in a local park beaming back at me, their faces in sunshine, and they looked like them. Not confused or ill but smiling, happy, groomed, my parents. Their dementia has gone on for more like 10 years, my mother first, and so I was surprised to see them look so normal just five years ago. It made me happy and also so very sad.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,952
South East
The photo sounds lovely :) my mil found 2 of Mum & Dad and she had them printed and framed as a birthday present. Fingers crossed for the new tablets🤞as you say it’s good they are where they are now and they are both being helped and supported.
 

Trekker

Registered User
Jun 18, 2019
206
London
The photo sounds lovely :) my mil found 2 of Mum & Dad and she had them printed and framed as a birthday present. Fingers crossed for the new tablets🤞as you say it’s good they are where they are now and they are both being helped and supported.
Thank you x
 

Trekker

Registered User
Jun 18, 2019
206
London
Have had 15 phone calls and 5 voice messages from my father in 2 hours, plus another dozen to my brother and husband. He is v v agitated and confused. Accused me of trying to have him declared crazy so I can get his money ( I’m not and there isn’t any). Nurses in and out constantly to try to calm him down - we’ve called them 3 times to confirm- and I just spoke to the doctor as concerned this is due to the risperidone he started last week. Am at my wit’s end.
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,501
66
Toronto, Canada
@Trekker it usually takes 4 to 6 weeks for the full effects of the risperidone to kick in. It is possible that the agitation is from the drug but I suspect more likely that the effects simply haven't started yet. If I were you, I would allow more time for the drug to take effect. There are other anti-anxiety drugs such as lorazepam which can be used short-term but I would be very, very, careful with those, as they can be addictive long-term. However, occasional use is okay and in your case, with the worry that your father may turn on your mother, my opinion is that it would be justified. But checking with the doctor is best, as you are doing.
 

Trekker

Registered User
Jun 18, 2019
206
London
@Trekker it usually takes 4 to 6 weeks for the full effects of the risperidone to kick in. It is possible that the agitation is from the drug but I suspect more likely that the effects simply haven't started yet. If I were you, I would allow more time for the drug to take effect. There are other anti-anxiety drugs such as lorazepam which can be used short-term but I would be very, very, careful with those, as they can be addictive long-term. However, occasional use is okay and in your case, with the worry that your father may turn on your mother, my opinion is that it would be justified. But checking with the doctor is best, as you are doing.
Thanks Joanne. Will let you know what the doctor decides.
 

Trekker

Registered User
Jun 18, 2019
206
London
Turns out my father has refused risperidone for two days so agitation is not side effect instead more of dementia. On call doctor holding off on sedative, lots of checks, sensor mat etc. I will talk to their own gp tomorrow about whether covert med the way forward. Phone calls keep coming, am not answering them. Drinking my way through a bottle of wine and watching the wire.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
768
Hi @Trekker, sorry to hear about today. Sadly if Dad has a mobile he will continue as he probably doesn't remember calling - he probably feels anxious and is on that default mode. If you answered he would probably ring back a few minutes later and continue to do so. He probably won't remember tomorrow, so try not to get too stressed (easier said than done I know), there is the proper care to ensure he is safe and to try and manage his anxiety.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,393
Is there any way your dad's phone could develop a fault? All those phone calls whether you answer them or not seem impossible to deal with. I hope the GP comes up with something to take the edge of his anger/distress/worry.
How's your mum doing?
 

Trekker

Registered User
Jun 18, 2019
206
London
Hi @Trekker, sorry to hear about today. Sadly if Dad has a mobile he will continue as he probably doesn't remember calling - he probably feels anxious and is on that default mode. If you answered he would probably ring back a few minutes later and continue to do so. He probably won't remember tomorrow, so try not to get too stressed (easier said than done I know), there is the proper care to ensure he is safe and to try and manage his anxiety.
Thank you, I hope you’re right and he forgets. He made another 15 calls to me, my brother and my husband between 939 and 1028pm yesterday. All the messages were, ‘I have found out where I am but they won’t tell me until the manager comes at 9am tomorrow.’ Will speak to GP about getting the legal ball for covert medication rolling.
 

Trekker

Registered User
Jun 18, 2019
206
London
Is there any way your dad's phone could develop a fault? All those phone calls whether you answer them or not seem impossible to deal with. I hope the GP comes up with something to take the edge of his anger/distress/worry.
How's your mum doing?
I wish it would develop a fault, especially as it is in my mum’s room not my dad’s. I hate to think how it is affecting her, listening to him making all these calls. He made another 15 calls to me, my brother and my husband between 939 and 1028pm yesterday. All the messages were, ‘I have found out where I am but they won’t tell me until the manager comes at 9am tomorrow.’ Will speak to GP about getting the legal ball for covert medication rolling.
 

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