Help please: moving parents to home during pandemic
- Thread starter Trekker
- Start date
That is so frustrating. But take a deep breath and hang in there. Once they are moved, please allow yourself a little collapse.
Just got back from moving my parents to nursing home. 5 hours so tired. Used all of yourvery helpful advice. First part, getting them there, easier than I was expecting. By time I arrived on second leg of journey with their possessions they were angry and upset and demanding I take them away from ‘this terrible place’ and ‘how could I leave them in a place like this’. I know this is all normal but I feel distraught and you are the only people you really understand. I know this is their trauma far more than mine and feel selfish and pathetic and maybe that’s to be expected to. I don’t know how these moves are supposed to work at best of times but in lockdown it’s all so much worse. I can’t go back again and to be honest maybe that’s a relief of sorts.
You got them there. Well done for moving them. Its never easy at the best of times.
Your emotions are bound to be all over the place, that why I previously suggested a takeaway and a large glass of wine once you got back - I do hope you are going to take that advice. Even if you were allowed to visit, its usually a good idea to leave them to settle in, so dont feel bad that you cant visit them. Try sending cards so they know that you have not abandoned them. I gather that you can buy cards with a recording device in them so that it can play a short message from you when it is opened. I didnt know about this when I used to send mum cards, but it sounds like a very good idea.
It will take both you and them a while to settle into this new stage, so dont worry about hiccups in the early days/weeks. Be gentle with yourself
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Your emotions are bound to be all over the place, that why I previously suggested a takeaway and a large glass of wine once you got back - I do hope you are going to take that advice. Even if you were allowed to visit, its usually a good idea to leave them to settle in, so dont feel bad that you cant visit them. Try sending cards so they know that you have not abandoned them. I gather that you can buy cards with a recording device in them so that it can play a short message from you when it is opened. I didnt know about this when I used to send mum cards, but it sounds like a very good idea.
It will take both you and them a while to settle into this new stage, so dont worry about hiccups in the early days/weeks. Be gentle with yourself
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))
@Trekker Actually, I think it is as much your trauma as theirs, but for different reasons. They are confused and upset and you have a crushing guilt to deal with. I think it is good that you can't visit for a while. It will give all three of you a chance to settle in. Take it easy and be kind to yourself.
@Trekker, glad you've got the wine. Moving a parent into care is hard, I found it very tricky when I moved mum last year, and you were moving two in far from ideal circumstances due to lockdown.
I've just bought one of those recording cards and will be dropping it off to my mum tomorrow. I've also sent in flowers, chocolates and a teddy bear. Anything like that you think your parent might like?
I've just bought one of those recording cards and will be dropping it off to my mum tomorrow. I've also sent in flowers, chocolates and a teddy bear. Anything like that you think your parent might like?
@Trekker I cried buckets when I left Dad at the home. I ended up driving home through the night as I really wanted just to be at my home. Try to enjoy a relaxing evening and I hope you and husband stay safe. This is the best thing you can have done for you parents but it will feel like the worst time. I often call it the 'best and worst thing I did'.
I’ll get some cards- one for each and think about what els3 might work, thank you. Yes, moving two felt extra hard. They work each other up into an increasing frenzy at best of times. Bottle feels like my best friend at moment x
You did so well @Trekker on getting them there , they will get there , nice they have each other to support their move , can imagine how you feel . Big hugs ? Please be kind to yourself you have done the very best for them . Hope the lockdown gives you time to breathe and relax a little and take some time to yourself.
Hello everyone, could do with some more advice. On Friday, the day after my parents moved into their home, and when I was taking onboard your advice about getting some rest and how the pandemic and associated closure of homes might make this easier to achieve, I got a call from a lovely nurse at the home. She wanted me to know an exception to the no visitor rule had been made for me, provided I wore a mask and shield, and that I could come in whenever I wanted so I could settle them in. I muttered something about my visits potentially (almost certainly) disrupting them, was assured they wouldn’t, and then said thank you. I was, to be honest, very upset, and will explain why below, and for the next couple of days asked my brother (who lives hundreds of miles away) to phone the home once a day to speak to my parents and to say I was unwell and couldn’t visit. Today I am contemplating visiting and dreading it.
There are several reasons I feel this way.
1) I think - but may be wrong- that as soon as my parents see me they will try to insist I take them away from the home. This will be upsetting for them and me and their settling in will go backwards.
2) Since lockdown, other than the move, I have not seen them because their previous home, an extra care housing flat, was shut to outside visitors. When I turned up on the day of the move my parents seemed totally unaware I hadn’t been there for 8 weeks. As far as they were aware it could have been a day, a week, a year etc.
3) my husband is in the shielded group and other than the all too intimate act of moving my parents ( me not him, lots of masks and shields, clothes off at door of our home, too much soap than is good for anyone's skin) we have been isolated since lockdown. So the thought of risking exposure for him every time I visit is very difficult, even though I can probably keep risk low with above measures.
4) it feels wrong to be an exception to visitors to the home. What if I inadvertently bring it in. I know the home are trying to be kind but it still worries me, and how do I visit for a while and then explain how suddenly no longer safe for me to visit? Which one is it?
5) and finally something I would have felt even without covid: I find it excruciating to see my parents. It is impossible to have a conversation with my mother, there is only confusion and sadness and blame in her eyes, and no sign of any pleasure at my visits. I am left not knowing what to say. My father does still sometimes appreciate my visits but often immediately tells me everything that isn’t being done for him and what is wrong and can I sort it out. These are invariably things like personal help they have asked me to arrange but then rejected when offered, eg nail cutting, shaving. I guess what I’m saying is I am so battered and bruised by years of demands that are impossible to satisfy and being made to feel guilty for my parents’ situation that lockdown has been both excruciating and a relief, and now my parents have all the care they need I just want to be able to back away for a while. But how long? Will covid risk go on forever? Or what might as well be forever if your 88 and 92.
So some sound reasons for not visiting too much plus a selfish and rather childish ‘it won’t be fun’ reason. Guilt and anxiety in equal measure. And at the centre of this two people whom I love very much and who deserve better. So advice, please, on how to get this right. Thank you.
There are several reasons I feel this way.
1) I think - but may be wrong- that as soon as my parents see me they will try to insist I take them away from the home. This will be upsetting for them and me and their settling in will go backwards.
2) Since lockdown, other than the move, I have not seen them because their previous home, an extra care housing flat, was shut to outside visitors. When I turned up on the day of the move my parents seemed totally unaware I hadn’t been there for 8 weeks. As far as they were aware it could have been a day, a week, a year etc.
3) my husband is in the shielded group and other than the all too intimate act of moving my parents ( me not him, lots of masks and shields, clothes off at door of our home, too much soap than is good for anyone's skin) we have been isolated since lockdown. So the thought of risking exposure for him every time I visit is very difficult, even though I can probably keep risk low with above measures.
4) it feels wrong to be an exception to visitors to the home. What if I inadvertently bring it in. I know the home are trying to be kind but it still worries me, and how do I visit for a while and then explain how suddenly no longer safe for me to visit? Which one is it?
5) and finally something I would have felt even without covid: I find it excruciating to see my parents. It is impossible to have a conversation with my mother, there is only confusion and sadness and blame in her eyes, and no sign of any pleasure at my visits. I am left not knowing what to say. My father does still sometimes appreciate my visits but often immediately tells me everything that isn’t being done for him and what is wrong and can I sort it out. These are invariably things like personal help they have asked me to arrange but then rejected when offered, eg nail cutting, shaving. I guess what I’m saying is I am so battered and bruised by years of demands that are impossible to satisfy and being made to feel guilty for my parents’ situation that lockdown has been both excruciating and a relief, and now my parents have all the care they need I just want to be able to back away for a while. But how long? Will covid risk go on forever? Or what might as well be forever if your 88 and 92.
So some sound reasons for not visiting too much plus a selfish and rather childish ‘it won’t be fun’ reason. Guilt and anxiety in equal measure. And at the centre of this two people whom I love very much and who deserve better. So advice, please, on how to get this right. Thank you.
Oh what a dilemma! You are between a rock and a hard place.
Does the care home know that your husband is being shielded?
I would actually be honest and say you appreciate the exception being made for you to visit, but at the moment you feel that you cant, because of your husband. You dont have to mention any of the rest (even though I think its actually a valid point). Im sure they would understand.
Does the care home know that your husband is being shielded?
I would actually be honest and say you appreciate the exception being made for you to visit, but at the moment you feel that you cant, because of your husband. You dont have to mention any of the rest (even though I think its actually a valid point). Im sure they would understand.
Hi @Trekker, I would go with your gut feelings, phone the home and say thanks but no thanks as politely as you can.
Mum moved to her care home last year and for the first few months was very unsettled. Every time she saw me she thought I was there to take her home and got distraught when I left. I had a frank conversation with some of the carers about it, asking if I was doing more harm than good. They felt I should go in as she was often asking for me, but mum couldn't understand why I wouldn't/couldn't take her away. She had a fixation for a while that I was being held prisoner in the home and was going round trying to get into locked rooms to find me. At the time I was going about three times a week. After a holiday in September I dropped that down to one day a week, and I found that worked better. I chose to go in the morning when she'd be brighter, and left as she was going into lunch. From then till when lockdown happened I had fewer distressing scenes, though she still thought she'd be going home with me. Of course because of lockdown if you did visit your whole focus would be on your parents, rather than in joining in activities which I found was a godsend. It was entertaining and I got to see how mum reacted with others, rather than as an intense one to one. I could also take her to the coffee bar area or hairdressers for a bit of variety. Those sort of things won't be happening at the moment anyway.
I think the carer thought seeing you might make your parents settle better, but I think the reverse is likely to be the case. I guess others will be along with their experiences that might be different to mine, but apart from your parent's wellbeing, you need to think of that of your husband and yourself.
Mum moved to her care home last year and for the first few months was very unsettled. Every time she saw me she thought I was there to take her home and got distraught when I left. I had a frank conversation with some of the carers about it, asking if I was doing more harm than good. They felt I should go in as she was often asking for me, but mum couldn't understand why I wouldn't/couldn't take her away. She had a fixation for a while that I was being held prisoner in the home and was going round trying to get into locked rooms to find me. At the time I was going about three times a week. After a holiday in September I dropped that down to one day a week, and I found that worked better. I chose to go in the morning when she'd be brighter, and left as she was going into lunch. From then till when lockdown happened I had fewer distressing scenes, though she still thought she'd be going home with me. Of course because of lockdown if you did visit your whole focus would be on your parents, rather than in joining in activities which I found was a godsend. It was entertaining and I got to see how mum reacted with others, rather than as an intense one to one. I could also take her to the coffee bar area or hairdressers for a bit of variety. Those sort of things won't be happening at the moment anyway.
I think the carer thought seeing you might make your parents settle better, but I think the reverse is likely to be the case. I guess others will be along with their experiences that might be different to mine, but apart from your parent's wellbeing, you need to think of that of your husband and yourself.
Thank you. You are always so practical and so understanding. The home doesn’t know about my husband. I think I will phone the manager today and explain.
Thank you. It’s an impossible situation only those of us sharing it understand. I am trying to pluck up courage to do as you say. I know it is the best decision overall but it still feels like a terrible one.
I completely agree with @canary , they don’t know your situation so I would do just that , ring them , thank them for the consideration but refrain from visiting and please do not feel guilty and take some time for yourself during lockdown . They are well cared for and will probably not realise when you do visit that you haven’t . Be kind to you and give that guilt monster a great big whack and send him off to somewhere else . Take care .
Just spoke to the manager at the nursing home. She said they are not allowing visitors at moment, exception for me was for day of move only, and nurse I spoke to who said I should come in as much as I wanted had misunderstood. I am v relieved and will phone only. She said both remarkably well settled after such short time. Neither complaining or asking to leave. Both eating well. My mum sleeping well and allowing personal care- first time ever. My father up throughout night checking on her even though she has mat on floor to alert nurses if she gets up and they check on her anyway every hour. They hope slowly to persuade him he can rest more and let them help her. He is not allowing personal care incl shaving and dentures as says he can do all himself, which he can’t. The manager says early days, they will get there.
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