Sweetheart, I doubt if he could actually envisage you being away for two weeks, as a concept I mean. He probably senses something is taking your attention away from him. You ask if any of this is worth it. And say that life is unbearable.
Darling, I know and you know I know. Look, when you are in hospital, ask if you could talk for a little while to one of the hospital social workers. This is not about putting your husband in a home, but just to talk, tell her how it is, just to unburden a little. No pressure, just a suggestion. I know what a tremendous relief I found it to do that. It was the first point of light I had had in four years.
I know it's a desperate, desolate life with no happiness. I thought there would be no end to my suffering. Keith and I made a suicide pact earlier on after diagnosis, but by the time we were ready for it, then really it would have been suicide and ... well something else.
Preparing for my little church group, I read that whenever you think you have nothing left, no resources, God has more. What happened to us was horrible but illustrates that a little I think.
All my love and thoughts, sweetheart, all. Geraldinexxxx
Thank you Geraldine
It’s been more of a struggle to get everything sorted because it’s a small private hospital funded by the NHS. So they don’t have the facilities such as social worker to help me sort things like advice about the care home. I had the option to go to our local hospital, but I chose to go back to the surgeon who did my hip, also on the NHS at this little hospital. In retrospect I shouldn’t have gone down that route. But too late now.
I’m happy with the care home and the staff I’ve found. They seem lovely.
The big problem for my husband is his incontinence. I have to put on and take off his pads, go with him if he feels like a pee to sort his pads out, put pads, booster pads and pull ups at night otherwise he leaks, gets agitated, aggressive and mortified. Getting them off and bagged in the morning is a precision task for me! Without his incontinence our life would be less stressful.
I know this is at the root of him not wanting to go into the home. Someone he doesn’t know is going to have to do all this for him.
His dementia is odd.... my goodness it confuses me! It’s like he has a mind of two halves. I’ve said so many times that sometimes I question his dementia. When he can be bothered he can talk to me about what’s happening in the news. But then he can’t work out which way up or back to front. He can’t work his phone, so many things he just can’t understand or work out. The simplest things he can’t sort.
And his aggression, screaming and swearing, his finding fault with everything I do, these are all getting worse, I think it is quite a rapid decline last few weeks.
I don’t feel in control anymore, and if I’m not in control then I don’t know what the outcome of our life is. What life? We don’t have any.
I wouldn’t do anything stupid, but it would be an easy way out.
I’m sorry if I’m distressing you Geraldine. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you to talk sense to me.....
You are so good, so generous, you put me to shame. All I can do is thank you..... love B xx