Who has stolen my husband?

[Grahamstown]

I really hear what you say.
Conversations... I’m not sure we have had a proper conversation for, well, I can’t remember. We talk, but it always results in verbal fisticuffs. We never talk things through, mostly he just doesn’t understand, or get what I’m trying to explain, it takes so much effort to get through to him, so I don’t bother most of the time.
But it’s not you, it’s this disease that doesn’t just affect them, it eats away at us. I think we carers are just shells now, tap us and we will crack!
I dont have anyone to take me to hospital, so I will book a taxi. My two cousins are going to bring me home, but they won’t be staying. I will be fine, but it will be very strange being in this house on my own for two weeks. I actually find the thought quite daunting.
Life is tough, and complicated, and confusing. dimentia is designed to keep us on our toes.
Thinking of you and sending love, B xx

I am thinking of you and hoping that your operation goes well and that your stay in the house alone is restful. Looking after our ill partners is so exhausting. I just wish that I could take you to hospital. Your description of your ‘conversations’ sounds very familiar so a period without them might just be the best thing for recovery.

 

[karaokePete]

Just thought I'd pop in to the thread and I'm glad I did. I'm happy that things are more positive and wish you all the best for your own care @Sad Staffs .

When you feel lonely TP will always be here.

I get what you say about conversations with our OH's. I miss an 'ordinary' conversation.

 

[Sad Staffs]

Just thought I'd pop in to the thread and I'm glad I did. I'm happy that things are more positive and wish you all the best for your own care @Sad Staffs .

When you feel lonely TP will always be here.

I get what you say about conversations with our OH's. I miss an 'ordinary' conversation.

Lovely to hear from you... I hope you are still having a good time in Limassol?
I won’t think about it, I have such wonderful memories, I might cry!
Please visit a beach for me and do some shell hunting amongst the flotsam and jetsam.... and Cyprus always had plenty of that!
I will go to sleep tonight with sand between my toes!
With love, B xx

 

[Sad Staffs]

I am thinking of you and hoping that your operation goes well and that your stay in the house alone is restful. Looking after our ill partners is so exhausting. I just wish that I could take you to hospital. Your description of your ‘conversations’ sounds very familiar so a period without them might just be the best thing for recovery.

Thank you for saying you wish you could take me to hospital. I just hope that I’m strong enough and don’t end up crying if the staff are nice to me! It won’t take a lot.
We carers are like a special and distinctive breed. Oh, the stories we could tell.... love B x

 

[karaokePete]

Lovely to hear from you... I hope you are still having a good time in Limassol?
I won’t think about it, I have such wonderful memories, I might cry!
Please visit a beach for me and do some shell hunting amongst the flotsam and jetsam.... and Cyprus always had plenty of that!
I will go to sleep tonight with sand between my toes!
With love, B xx

Best wishes to you too. I'll be walking on the beach tomorrow afternoon and I'll say hello to sand for you. I studied Ancient History to A Level and love to look out over the med and think about the ancients who sailed those waters.

 

[Sad Staffs]

Best wishes to you too. I'll be walking on the beach tomorrow afternoon and I'll say hello to sand for you. I studied Ancient History to A Level and love to look out over the med and think about the ancients who sailed those waters.

I hope it was ok, but I joined you on the beach this morning, in my daydream of course. It was so beautiful, the sand, the waves, the breeze, the smell.
I have 3 large glass vases full to the brim of Cyprus shells. I see them every day.... so many very happy memories.
How about another stroll tomorrow?
Love B x

 

[Sad Staffs]

After feeling-so good yesterday, it’s back to reality. I hit the ground with a bump.
I didn’t sleep at all, I was in so much pain and discomfort, I couldn’t get comfortable. So, my mind was an express train but I couldn’t get off.
I was worrying so much about my husband being without me, me being lost without him.
Being alone for the first time since forever.
I know he is difficult, aggressive and he can be unpleasant, but he’s mine. I’m in such turmoil.
I just don’t want to leave him, or him leave me.
I thought about the taxi collecting me at 6 am, going alone to the hospital, waiting for surgery alone, coming round after the GA and I will be alone. I’ve never been alone in 73 years.
And then my biggest worry is how my husband is coping without me? Between us there are so many idiosyncrasies, how can you expect someone else to understand my husband. I don’t understand him, why should they?
Yes, I know it will all work out. But I wish my inner self could get to grips with that.
That’s it... good day, bad day. More bad than good...
Sums up the life of so many of us on TP.
Love B xx

 

[kindred]

After feeling-so good yesterday, it’s back to reality. I hit the ground with a bump.
I didn’t sleep at all, I was in so much pain and discomfort, I couldn’t get comfortable. So, my mind was an express train but I couldn’t get off.
I was worrying so much about my husband being without me, me being lost without him.
Being alone for the first time since forever.
I know he is difficult, aggressive and he can be unpleasant, but he’s mine. I’m in such turmoil.
I just don’t want to leave him, or him leave me.
I thought about the taxi collecting me at 6 am, going alone to the hospital, waiting for surgery alone, coming round after the GA and I will be alone. I’ve never been alone in 73 years.
And then my biggest worry is how my husband is coping without me? Between us there are so many idiosyncrasies, how can you expect someone else to understand my husband. I don’t understand him, why should they?
Yes, I know it will all work out. But I wish my inner self could get to grips with that.
That’s it... good day, bad day. More bad than good...
Sums up the life of so many of us on TP.
Love B xx

It does sum up our lives darling and I sympathise with all my heart. Of course he's yours, of course this is going to be an enormous wrench.
When keith had his accident and into A and E, the weather here was that beast from the east business and there was no way I could get to the hospital, even taxis were wary. I telephoned his ward and they agreed I would phone in three times a day until I could get there. That helped a lot. You will be able to telephone his home, and it helps to agree this in advance so they don't think you are pestering, if see what mean. I understand, of course you are worried about being alone. I get through my time alone by looking forward to the next time I see Keith. It really works, I promise.
All my love and thoughts, sweetheart. with love, Geraldinexxx

 

[karaokePete]

I hope it was ok, but I joined you on the beach this morning, in my daydream of course. It was so beautiful, the sand, the waves, the breeze, the smell.
I have 3 large glass vases full to the brim of Cyprus shells. I see them every day.... so many very happy memories.
How about another stroll tomorrow?
Love B x

Ah, love it. Yes, as I walked along the coastal path this afternoon I suddenly remembered your post and took a little detour across a sandy stretch. I’ll be there again tomorrow, but not Sunday, so you’re on for tomorrow.

 

[karaokePete]

I hope the Care Home do well with your husband @Sad Staffs. My way of thinking would be that they may not know him but they will probably be familiar with all the behaviours. In any case I hope it goes well for him and that you are able to relax a bit.

 

[Sad Staffs]

I hope the Care Home do well with your husband @Sad Staffs. My way of thinking would be that they may not know him but they will probably be familiar with all the behaviours. In any case I hope it goes well for him and that you are able to relax a bit.

Thank you...
we have never done anything like this before, never been separated. So it’s a learning curve for both of us.

And I’ll be with you for a stroll in the morning. I might even stretch to a paddle! I hope the weather is being kind to you? We have experienced the whole range, good and bad, in November, love B x

 

[Sad Staffs]

I’m assuming that there is too much happening that is causing my husband to be so distressed, very obsessive, and almost always aggressive.
He is so hard to be with.
Every time I speak to him he shouts at me.
If I speak to him about something that he has to think about he gets aggressive and says I’m shouting at him. Yes, occasionally I do shout at him when I can’t put up with him anymore, but mostly I walk away, or just keep quiet.
But at the moment he is so unpleasant that I’m backing off all the time trying to calm him down.
It’s never been as bad as it is now.
It frightens me that things can only get worse.
I worry whether I am strong enough to put up with him, that this is it, this is our life, it’s as good as it gets.
He is so horrible I want to hate him.
But I can’t, I love him, I just can’t always like him.
And he can be so cruel, that is probably the worst.
Then I see him stand up to get something and he looks so frail, half the person he used to be. And I feel mean. I’m the cruel one.
My heart breaks again and again for the wonderful person he used to be.
But I’ve lost him, I don’t know where he has gone, but I can’t accept he won’t come back.
I’m a mess. I’m so sad. I just want to be happy again, with him....

 

[kindred]

I’m assuming that there is too much happening that is causing my husband to be so distressed, very obsessive, and almost always aggressive.
He is so hard to be with.
Every time I speak to him he shouts at me.
If I speak to him about something that he has to think about he gets aggressive and says I’m shouting at him. Yes, occasionally I do shout at him when I can’t put up with him anymore, but mostly I walk away, or just keep quiet.
But at the moment he is so unpleasant that I’m backing off all the time trying to calm him down.
It’s never been as bad as it is now.
It frightens me that things can only get worse.
I worry whether I am strong enough to put up with him, that this is it, this is our life, it’s as good as it gets.
He is so horrible I want to hate him.
But I can’t, I love him, I just can’t always like him.
And he can be so cruel, that is probably the worst.
Then I see him stand up to get something and he looks so frail, half the person he used to be. And I feel mean. I’m the cruel one.
My heart breaks again and again for the wonderful person he used to be.
But I’ve lost him, I don’t know where he has gone, but I can’t accept he won’t come back.
I’m a mess. I’m so sad. I just want to be happy again, with him....

My darling girl, I know, you know I know. You are not a mess, you are consumed with grief and that, my goodness yes, is normal. This is a very very hard time for you, I know. You are not the cruel one and we all know it is the situation doing this. But this does not help our hearts. I never thought I would be happy again with Keith, thought it was all gone, but now the stress is off both of us, he is his old self (well you know what I mean) to be with. Honestly, it can happen, it may not be gone for ever. Relentless stress does change us. xxxx

 

[karaokePete]

That was a tough post to read @Sad Staffs. I just want to say that you are neither mean nor cruel to be doing your best for your husband. Dementia is a tough condition to cope with. I'm sure we all have moments of weakness and doubt, I know I do.

Don't be afraid to ask for help from your GP or seek a needs assessment if you reach your limits - we all have our limits, no matter how much we love our spouse or want to do ourselves.

Keep posting. In the meantime, please accept a virtual ((HUG)).

 

[karaokePete]

Thank you...
we have never done anything like this before, never been separated. So it’s a learning curve for both of us.

And I’ll be with you for a stroll in the morning. I might even stretch to a paddle! I hope the weather is being kind to you? We have experienced the whole range, good and bad, in November, love B x

In the hope that it helps to lift your spirits, I have to tell you of my excitement during today's walk.

I think I mentioned earlier about walking the hills around the local ancient ruins. Well today I was walking a route I've been walking for years and for some reason I was drawn to a little slope so climbed it. Hidden from view, behind the slope of the hill and some low trees I came across a magnificent tomb with a main chamber and 3 ante chambers. As good as anything in the Tombs of the Kings area near Pafos. I was gobsmacked that even after all these years the area was revealing new archaeology to me. I can't wait to show my son when he visits in the new year.

 

[Sad Staffs]

My darling girl, I know, you know I know. You are not a mess, you are consumed with grief and that, my goodness yes, is normal. This is a very very hard time for you, I know. You are not the cruel one and we all know it is the situation doing this. But this does not help our hearts. I never thought I would be happy again with Keith, thought it was all gone, but now the stress is off both of us, he is his old self (well you know what I mean) to be with. Honestly, it can happen, it may not be gone for ever. Relentless stress does change us. xxxx

Thank you, always thank you for being there. Your words are like a soothing balm, or a gin and tonic! Today I’ll go for the gin and tonic.
I’m so grateful ... do you realise how important you are to us?
I read your posts and I respect and admire you, knowing that none of it can be easy for you, but one day I hope I have the empathy for others that you do. Love Barbara xx

 

[kindred]

Thank you, always thank you for being there. Your words are like a soothing balm, or a gin and tonic! Today I’ll go for the gin and tonic.
I’m so grateful ... do you realise how important you are to us?
I read your posts and I respect and admire you, knowing that none of it can be easy for you, but one day I hope I have the empathy for others that you do. Love Barbara xx

Sweetheart, thank you so much, what a lovely thing to say, thank you. Thank you. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with grief, but as you know, I tell myself grief is normal, which it is. I am just so very fortunate to have the love, friendship and encouragement of people like your precious, beloved self. with love, Geraldinexxx

 

[Sad Staffs]

That was a tough post to read @Sad Staffs. I just want to say that you are neither mean nor cruel to be doing your best for your husband. Dementia is a tough condition to cope with. I'm sure we all have moments of weakness and doubt, I know I do.

Don't be afraid to ask for help from your GP or seek a needs assessment if you reach your limits - we all have our limits, no matter how much we love our spouse or want to do ourselves.

Keep posting. In the meantime, please accept a virtual ((HUG)).

Thank you. And thank you for the hug x
What I find so hard is that he isn’t like this all the time. I wish I understood him and his dementia more. But I won’t will I? It’s designed to confuse us carers and keep us on our toes. But it’s not like a broken leg, it won’t mend.
I really think that part of the problem is that he can’t look after me.
Me going into hospital, him going into care, is causing some backlash, and I am getting it all. He has always looked after me, at least I am bright enough to have let him think he looked after me! Now he wants to but can’t. It’s just so hard, for him, for me, it’s so confusing, and it will never get better. B xx

 

[Sad Staffs]

In the hope that it helps to lift your spirits, I have to tell you of my excitement during today's walk.

I think I mentioned earlier about walking the hills around the local ancient ruins. Well today I was walking a route I've been walking for years and for some reason I was drawn to a little slope so climbed it. Hidden from view, behind the slope of the hill and some low trees I came across a magnificent tomb with a main chamber and 3 ante chambers. As good as anything in the Tombs of the Kings area near Pafos. I was gobsmacked that even after all these years the area was revealing new archaeology to me. I can't wait to show my son when he visits in the new year.

A smile.... you made me smile!
I’m thinking about all the wonderful hidden gems, and they are in such abundance, in Cyprus. So many visitors never move away from the tourist areas, or go off the beaten track. They miss so much. Wonderful hidden treasures.
We have spent hours in the Troodos mountains, on the dirt tracks (so many have been lost now) and not seen another vehicle. Or the goat herder, a very old lady, who stopped us and cut an apple in half, with very very dirty hands, and gave the two of us the grey apple!. Which we ate of course, as we wouldn’t offend her. B xx

 

[karaokePete]

A smile.... you made me smile!
I’m thinking about all the wonderful hidden gems, and they are in such abundance, in Cyprus. So many visitors never move away from the tourist areas, or go off the beaten track. They miss so much. Wonderful hidden treasures.
We have spent hours in the Troodos mountains, on the dirt tracks (so many have been lost now) and not seen another vehicle. Or the goat herder, a very old lady, who stopped us and cut an apple in half, with very very dirty hands, and gave the two of us the grey apple!. Which we ate of course, as we wouldn’t offend her. B xx

That reminds me of a few years ago when we spent a month in a Greek speaking village in the foothills to improve our Greek and see the ‘real’ Cyprus. We used to walk out along the mountain roads as, so high up, they were devoid of traffic and the scenery was magical. Anyway as we walked along one evening an approaching car started to slow and I was saying, oh, what’s up here to my wife, as the car drew alongside. The drivers window went down, out came a hand with two oranges, and the car sped off as soon as we took the oranges. Never had an experience like that in the UK or Ireland. The village people were just lovely - a walk to the village shop for milk would take hours as every villager en route insisted on bringing us in for coffee and a biscuit before giving us a guided tour and telling us about their children. The villagers seemed fascinated by a couple from Ireland who were trying so hard to converse with them. We did that for a couple of years in a row and it was such a lovely time - just before my wife began to deteriorate. It’s nice to have these long term memories that we can still share as my wife can recall a lot of it if I prompt her enough.