Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

[annielou]

Thanks @Woo2 @Bikerbeth x She was in one of her I can do it all moods, you dont come everyday, I don't need help because I'm ok. I expect a bit of panic with mum when someone is coming or she's going somewhere but felt I should mention it just before carer came so I could explain I'd stay for little bit with them before leaving so she knew what was happening and get the grumbling out the way before carer came. I had a feeling there would be some today so mentioned it about 20 minutes before carer came.
When she did moan I tried to keep positive and gentle with her, but also a little bit firm as in its happening now and too late to change mind. I think when she's in her I can do it all mood I don't want to bring her down and make her feel useless, but I need to be a bit firm or she'll think she doesn't need to have carer, or me, or whatever help it is she needs. I kept my answers quite short and to point, just kept reminding her its only 2 afternoons a week, she will still see me everyday, she agreed to it as I need a bit of time to do stuff at home and see hubby, she doesn't like being on her own and I don't want her to be, she needs someone to make dinner, she liked other carer on Thursday. Even though she didn't look fond of the idea she did agree before carer was due which was better than in the past because a few month ago she would have said no and said she'd tell them to go and refuse to let them in.
She's had a bit of an odd day today, when I got there this morning she was dressed quite smart with shoes on and handbag out and asked where hubby was. She thought it was Sunday and we were going out.
She didn't feel like colouring this morning, she tried doing some puzzles in magazine but kept doing them wrong so gave up. Then she seemed ok for a while but still didn't want to colour after lunch but we were watching tv and she was ok and then we had chat about carer before she came where as expected wasn't ok but seemed to accept coming in end.
When carer had gone mum kept saying I could go home if I wanted she'd be ok and could do her own dinner but I said it was ok. She said you could go home and have yer dinner with hubby so I said I'd maybe do her dinner before hubby came and then have mine at home with him, she said she could do it but she can't, I didn't say anything about that though. Through afternoon she kept asking what I was having for tea and saying she didn't know what she was going to have. I told her I could do her the stew and dumpling ready meal had got for carer to do but she said she didn't fancy it, she kept on mentioning dinner in same way for next two hours. When I text hubby about carer not being well and me staying he said we can stay for dinner like normal if mum unsettled and so in end we did and I made us all something and we left at normal time.
There were quite a few mothers day ads on tele today and she said at one point after asking when it was, I havent got a mum to get flowers for now, or at least I don't think I have cos she's not been to see me and I think she's dead. I said yes she is mum, it was a long time ago now. She said I thought it was, then said I think I'll buy some flowers cos I like them so I told her it was Mothers day on Sunday so she would probably be getting some cos she's a mum and she said oh yes love I am to you and your lovely and seemed a bit cheerier for a bit.
She asked me in afternoon which way went to my village from hers and then was asking how long had lived there what my house was like and had she seen it, then she said I suppose I'd recognise it if I saw it but not seen it for ages. She sees it all the time and last saw it when she came on sunday.
She didn't seem totally settled, I tried to keep her chatting and we were watching tv she usually likes and she wasn't too bad, just seemed a bit unsettled. Maybe she was thinking about me wanting time on my own and worrying about carers or what she could and couldn't do, I'm not sure.
After dinner tonight she was sat with her hand resting over her mouth and looked fidgety so I asked her what matter was and she said nothing, I asked what she was thinking about and she said I'm just thinking about my mum. I was just wondering whether to ask her about it when she asked about something on tv so I didn't and she seemed to go back to watching tv then.
Then when hubby and I were getting ready to go home she said I'm not going to thingy (day centre) tomorrow Andie, I said why? and mum said cos I don't feel like it. I was bit annoyed and was going to try persuade her otherwise but then thought she might change her mind in morning and I didn't want to make her dig her heels in and might make it worse as I was a bit annoyed at her just announcing it like that and didn't want to show it so I just said we'll talk about it in morning. We finished getting coats on and left saying usual goodnights etc , and I gave her a hug like normal but she seemed to hold onto me for a bit longer than usual tonight.
I've just remembered she said earlier today she'd have to wash her hair tonight ready for tomorrow as didn't do it this morning and doesn't like to do it on wednesday mornings when up and leaving early. She didn't say that was why but it could be part of reason she didn't feel like going tomorrow because she had just told me a few minutes before that she felt like could just nod off so maybe she felt too tired wash her hair so said wasn't going cos didn't feel like it.
I'm hoping when I ring her in morning before I set off over there she is going to go and once she realises not washed her hair she doesn't use that as excuse not to. ?

 

[Woo2]

Will keep fingers crossed for the morning for you . X

 

[Bikerbeth]

Fingers and toes crossed here for you to. It seems like you might have sussed why she does not want to go to day care tomorrow and I think you did right not pushing her to go tomorrow so she did not dig her heels in. Hopefully, as you say, she will have changed her mind tomorrow and have a lovely day there.
The conversation about Mother’s Day must have made you a bit sad but it is also lovely that your Mum said those nice things about you

 

[annielou]

Mum not gone to day centre today. When I rang to get her up she said I'm not going Andie I'm not well. I asked what was wrong and she said she's not had any sleep she's been up all night because her mum has died.
Apparently she'd rung her brother last night and had asked his wife if her mum had died and she'd told her it was quite a bit ago but mum thinks its only just happened and has been up crying and had no sleep. I don't know if she has or not but she sounded tired and emotional.
After we'd talked a bit I said are you going to go to day centre and she said no she'd get dressed and tell van when it came she wasn't going. I said I'll ring and let them know so they don't have to come for you. She asked me why I was getting angry with her, which I wasn't at all, hubby could hear us both and said I was being really gentle with her. I said I wasn't angry with her then asked her what she was going to do now and she said she'd try going back to bed. She sounded teary. I asked if she thought she'd be able sleep ok now and she said she didn't know. Hubby and I were ready to set off as we were planning for him to drop me off to help her get ready for day centre so I said I was just going to set off to see you off to day centre, she said I'm not going, I said no I know but do you still want me to come over now and mum said yes.
Hubby dropped me off at mums like normal, I thought probably better to still go through early as she was upset on phone but I don't think I've helped her feel better. She was sat on sofa in dressing gown when I came in. She still thinks her mum has only died recently, she says she didn't know was long time ago and doesn't think it was.
After I rang day centre to say not going mum spent next ten minutes saying do you want to go home, you can go home. I kept saying it was ok and suggested she try going back to bed and I'd stay in living room but she just kept going on about me going home. I ended up telling her I couldn't as I had to do her tablets, lunch n dinner and would be back and forth on bus all day. She just kept saying it and not listening to answer and said I was getting angry with her. I said I was frustrated keep saying same thing and her not listening to answer but I'm sorry so lets just leave I'm not going home so why don't you try get some sleep.
She just said same again and said she didn't make me come and I could go home so I ended up saying I'd like to be at home as got lots to do, I was going to wash and iron as I'm way behind with being here but can't now. I know its not your fault you're confused and upset but I'm a bit frustrated and I don't mean to be angry so I'm sorry mum. Can we just leave it as I'm here and staying and you go try to get some sleep and I'll stay here. She went but was still moaning about me being angry and I could go home and she was worried about her mum dying. So I ended up going in bedroom and saying I was sorry for sounding angry I am frustrated but know its not her fault and I don't want to upset her and I'm sorry. She said you can go home why don't you. I said mum please stop saying that I can't go home and dont want to talk about it anymore. I don't want you to be upset and I love you, will you just try to go to sleep and I'll go sit in room for a bit. She said ok and has been in there quiet for last 3/4s hour so hoping she gets some sleep.
I know I should have been more patient, its not her I'm frustrated at really its the dementia. I know she's upset and confused and I do feel really sorry for her but I let my frustration show a bit after she kept going on saying same thing. I did try not to let it show and keep being calm and gentle with her but it sneaked out. I could kick myself and hope I can control myself better for rest of what is going to be a very long day.

 

[Sarasa]

Oh @annielou, that sounds like a lot to have to deal with, specially as you were looking forward to some time for yourself. I really think you do need to be flagging this up to SS. I don't know what rules are about respite care at the moment, but you both need it, and I think your mum might be better somewhere where there are others around all the time who can get her out of the loop of thinking things like her mum has just died before such ideas become entrenched. It's a shame you couldn't get her to the day centre as that would have probably cheered her up, and they may well be closing shortly for the duration anyway so goodness knows when she'll be able to go again.
I know you want to do what's best for your mum, but at the moment neither of you are happy. {{{hugs}}} for you both.

 

[annielou]

Thanks @Sarasa x nope none of us are happy today. Mums back up now looking very un with it and sorry for herself. Shes been in bed almost two hours and I think she did sleep as there was no sound at all.
Apart from asking if i want a cup of tea and saying going to loo shes not said anything. I've not really said anything much either as not sure she'd take anything in at moment.
I feel really sorry for her but also selfishly also feel sorry for me. I've been here two and half hours now and have about another 9 at least ahead of me and I feel trapped and dissapointed.
Awful of me to say I know but I do. Mums trapped in her dementia loop prison and so am I. I don't think there's anything SS will do apart from suggest respite which at moment I'd think would be hard to arrange and I'm really not sure if long term it would benefit as she'd have to come home again and get used to same thing and if went in respite now we would probably not be able to visit as lots not allowing visitors. Homes will probably struggle with staff shortages etc soon so could be more stressful for mum. So think probably just stuck with things as they are.

 

[Woo2]

I’m really sorry @annielou that you have a hard time this morning , you aren’t superhuman , you have feelings and limits , you can’t be expected to be calm and happy and stress free constantly, you handled it as well as any of us can /would . Please don’t beat yourself up . It’s a shame you can’t get mum to sleep , maybe if she warm in lounge you could throw a blanket over her and see if she drops off . Sleep always helps with mum . I don’t know how you get her out of this new loop about her mum , I understand what you say about respite issues , it’s very hard to know what to do for the best . Sending a big ? , we are here trying to help you through with hugs and support . Cups of tea and cake/biscuits may be in order today .hope it gets easier . Take care and please be as kind to yourself as you are to mum and everyone else .? X

 

[annielou]

Thanks @Woo2 x mum says she went to sleep and she was in bed almost 2 hours quiet so think did sleep. Shes been in shower and washed her hair. She wants to go to my house so I can iron and is ferching her colouring to do. I said we can stay at hers and colour and she can have a nap if prefers its ok with me, but she says wants to go out and has had a nap so is ok. She seems a bit like a child who's eager to please bless her. So we're off to my house with her colouring in my bag and we just called for a sausage roll to take with us to mine for lunch as she likes them. Hoping for a peaceful afternoon x
Did your mum get off today?

 

[Woo2]

That sounds a bit better, I’m pleased , it might help to break the loop a little as well ?. Enjoy the sausage roll and ironing . X

 

[annielou]

Mums been quiet this afternoon, she looked quite tired but didn't nod off. She didn't do any colouring she just watched tv while I ironed for a few hours and she's not chatted much.
Then about 1/4 past 4 mum went to loo and when she came out she said she couldn't remember where she lived. She started asking her address, was it her mums house, which way does she go to get there and been quite upset and a bit panicky about not knowing.
One of time she asked if it was her mums house she said she knew her mum had died cos her brother told her yesterday and teared up so I gave her a hug and stroked her hand for a bit. Then she said she thought she'd told her mum last night that she wasn't going to day centre today and her mum said oh go on go. She was quite confused how that could happened so I explained her mum died a long time ago. Ishe was probably mixing up telling me not going. She said she didn't think was that long and then said I don't think our Andie will come I thought she loved me but she hasn't come. She looked at me puzzled then and said Oh. So I think she noticed I'm me so I told her I'm Andie and I come to see you every day and I gave her another hug. Mum said I'm sorry Andie I don't know what I'n doing. I told her doesn't matter and told her I love her she said she lives me too.
She keeps goung back to asking her house number and if stayed there last night, where her mum lived, where she lived, did i go to her house, did I go this morning, etc She'll stop for few minutes to watch tv and then go back to asking again and she's quite fidgety. I don't kbow how she's going to on when we taje her tonight and she's on her own again. My frustration from this morning went this morning but my pity and worry are still here and I think my worry for her has ramped up a gear again

 

[canary]

I think you cope with your mum amazingly well
She does seem more confused at the moment. Do you think she might be brewing an infection?

 

[Woo2]

Very good point @canary , could you get a sample bottle @annielou from dr’s ? It’s so sad and very hard to witness isn’t it . I feel for you , you are doing so well . X

 

[annielou]

Think its more mums confusion than UTI, she has been confused a lot of the time for quite a while but the things she is confused about vary and depending on what she is confused about she is more or less upset about them. Her mum dying. seems to be upsetting her at moment which is awful to see.
When we took her home tonight she seemed ok in house, recognsed it, and we left her with tv on a programme she likes. We called for petrol and a parcel on way home and when we'd been in a little while I noticed a missed call from mum on my mobile so rung her back. She said she was ringing to see if I'd go see her tomorrow, was asking if I had a house of my own now. She'd obviously forgot been with me today and where I lived etc. She got bit upset and said she wasn't very good at knowing what to say and do and she didn't know what doing.
She kept asking if seen me and if been at my house and then when I thought she'd got it and she was saying bye she said Andie my mums dead did you know?. She sounded upset so I told her yes and told her when it was and tried calm her down. She went back to where I lived and if I'd see her tomorrow. I kept telling her yes and I'd see her in morning. She sounded bit upset and told me she loved me so I said I loved her too. I tried talk to her a bit about tv and having a drink of tea to change subject in hope she was ok when I got off phone. She said she'd be ok and watch tv and see me tomorrow and we said night, but I don't know if she'll be ok or if she'll spend another night confused and upset and alone.
I feel so sorry for her and sad at her being alone and feel guilty for that. She was upset and confused when I was staying there but at least she wasn't alone. I don't want to go back to staying at mums, I'm not sure I could cope but I feel bad, like I'm leaving mum to suffer because I don't want to live there.
Sorry for moaning I just want to try get it out my head. Hubby is stressed with work at moment so I was stressing him out more by talking bout mum so I wanted to leave him alone for a bit and I use here a bit like a blog/diary to keep my thoughts somewhere but I have posted 3 long posts today now so apologies about that x

 

[Woo2]

@annielou , stop apologising ? It’s your thread and you can post 20 page posts if you want . You might not get such long replies but we still read them .☺️ I can imagine you had a hard time to relax even after getting your thoughts out and wrote down here, it is tremendously sad . I’m sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Hoping today brings a more peaceful less anxious one for you ?. I’m sure your hubby doesn’t mind you talking about it to him, but I get what you say, I too feel like that but hubby says he is happy to talk about it and mull things over together . Hope carer visit goes well today, she may draw mum out and change the loop and you can get home and relax a little .?❤ Xx

 

[annielou]

Thanks @Woo2 x
" You might not get such long replies but we still read them" Lol, no I don't think anyone would be as long as me.
I don't really expect replies at all most of the time, a lot of what I post is just getting my thoughts and worries out which are often the same as I've wrote before and there's not really a lot people can say each time. I read a lot of posts and don't often comment as I feel I have nothing useful to say even though I sympathise, but I do learn things reading other peoples posts.
Hubby is stressed this week, his work have gone to mainly home working apart from warehouse and a few of the office people including hubby. Its been a bit of a rush to organise logistics of who can do what remotely so he's been manic at work last few days and yesterday he looked exhausted bless him. Usually he'd be talking to me about it when he got in from work and letting him get it all out but this week and for a while to be honest its all about mum and me being upset about mum. I've gave him a few extra big hugs before he went to work this morning, not quite a replacement for having someone to talk to, but hopefully it helped.
There's lots of stress about for people at moment this world is stressful enough but navigating this virus is making things lots harder so I think there'll need to be a lot more hugs, although cos of social distancing maybe they'll have to be virtual ones ?
Here's hoping for a better day for everyone today ?

 

[Starting on a journey]

Just a random thought. Do you look at all like your late grandma? Maybe your mum sees a likeness in you which is adding to her confusion (nothing could be done but it might explain)?

 

[annielou]

Just a random thought. Do you look at all like your late grandma? Maybe your mum sees a likeness in you which is adding to her confusion (nothing could be done but it might explain)?

I don't think so I'm more like my dads side. She did sometimes call me mum on a night when I was staying with her and on odd occassion does now when I'm helping advising her when she's struggling with something. She often seems to have lost the last 30 years and sometimes more, nannan died 45 years ago. She usually calms down after we tell her it was a lobg time ago but this week hasn't. I think she got more upset about it on Tuesday because we'd seen a lot of Mothers day adverts on tv, she said she didn't have a mum to buy for and I think it keeps making her think about her mum and then she's getting mixed up. X

 

[annielou]

Mums Thursday carer came and I remembered to leave today, ?? tempting though it was to stay and chat for ages as she is really lovely I did go after short chat and am now at home cleaning.
Mum remembered she came today and had been bit worried about it again and said she didn't want me to go earlier, but I reminded her she is lovely and said she was coming to keep mum conpany while I went home to do some work so mum said ok. She seemed ok before I left so hopefully she will be.
She had been talking earlier today about our Andie not coming to see her, she said maybe its cos she thinks she might have to do somert ? Cheeky!!! Ta mum!!! So she may ring me later tonight when on her own to ask me to go tomorrow which I am anyway but will say yes.
She also told me this morning she'd been out with some people on Sunday and had dinner with them but couldn't remember who and asked did I know? It was me and hubby.
And she told me she didn't go day centre yesterday cos she had been upset worrying about her mum and not slept.
The bill for day centre for this month came today and she had bit of a flap about having to pay it till I explained thats what attendance allowance she gets is for so it doesn't cost her anything really and I put it in my bag to pay for her later.
I'm really hoping carer being there this aft will keep her mind on other things and off her loop about her mum dying and me not seeing her and she has a settled evening X

 

[Woo2]

Really glad you got home earlier today . I agree and too hope that carer manages to distract mum and all is calmer later . Have a nice evening with your hubby . X

 

[Bikerbeth]

You are definitely still on that ‘rollercoaster’ of emotions and your Mum having good and bad days. I still think you are so patient with your Mum’s repetitive questions the vast majority of the time. So being fed up because you were looking forward to a break is totally understandable. Please stop being so hard on yourself. You also want to be there for hubby so no doubt you are being pulled in other directions so @annielou herself get pushed to the bottom of the list.
From what you have posted today so far it seems better even if it was home to housework. Hope you had a lovely evening with hubby too.
Just a thought - could you have day care and carers invoices sent to your house - as in Mrs Mum c/o annielou, up north. I just wondered if you explained to them both that your Mum worries about it they might agree even without an LPA