• We're currently experiencing technical issues with our newsletter software, so our Dementia Talking Point monthly updates have been put on hold for now. We hope to restart the newsletter soon.

    Find out more >here<.

TIPPING POINT

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
1,444
South of the Border
After many years of looking after my wife i have reached the tipping point today. I understand from Social Services that I can just say 'I have had enough and no longer feel able to give her the care she now needs'. Has anyone on here walked away like this? Are there any downsides to it? I don't want to lose contact with her.
I wonder how things are now for you?

My Tipping Point was last Sunday, 11.15pm I returned home after a flight from Edinburgh - he had spent Christmas in Derby with his son.

OH arrived home before me, I had carers in only a couple of hours before I was due to arrive. When I got home OH was staggeringly drunk ( he is not supposed to drink for medical reasons) When the carer saw me this week she said he was trying to get a bottle of wine open when she was there, and took a fork to it because he could not use the bottle opener.

He has forgotten all about it now, of course, but his son did ring Social Services for me, and said I was at the end of my tether. I am looking now at moving into a rented bungalow nearby, but does that mean he will stick his head in a bottle again all the time??
@SouWester - is there no happy way out for any of us? I fear the answer is a resounding 'NO'.
 

Jacky54

New member
Aug 5, 2019
9
I’ve just found my tipping point. Trying to keep calm. He’s blissfully unaware. So angry venting my spleen by stamping on newly ironed shirts which is counter productive I know but oddly satisfying. Back to the ironing board. I have no life.
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
1,444
South of the Border
I’ve just found my tipping point. Trying to keep calm. He’s blissfully unaware. So angry venting my spleen by stamping on newly ironed shirts which is counter productive I know but oddly satisfying. Back to the ironing board. I have no life.
It's all wrong isn't it? I have never heard of a disease that destroys so many family members as well as those afflicted....
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
679
It's all wrong isn't it? I have never heard of a disease that destroys so many family members as well as those afflicted....
Think I've missed this thread @maryjoan been trying to catch up but too much to read. Tipping Point is a good name for it - but if it's a really bad tipping point then it's the straw that broke the camels back. Anyway the tipping point is everything for me these days, like the endless nonsense conversation, the endless repetitive questions, the neediness and self-absorbtion, the negativity and believing that no one cares for him, following me around everywhere, loss of freedom, loss of choice.... But the one that's really annoying me today is the amount of work he makes, so much cleaning, toilets all the time, sheets, clothes, the mess, helping with showering, dressing, teeth brushing..... Anyway I think I've come to the realisation today that I don't love him anymore (horrible to admit so hopefully this will stay hidden within your post). I feel so sad about it and it means I'm caring for him only out of pity and for what I used to feel for him. Trying to analyse whether I really don't love him anymore or perhaps there is something left because I would miss him if he wasn't around (or would I?). I wonder if anyone else has fallen out of love with their spouse/partner who has dementia, I would be too scared to ask in case it is only me!
 

Vitesse

Registered User
Oct 26, 2016
216
Think I've missed this thread @maryjoan been trying to catch up but too much to read. Tipping Point is a good name for it - but if it's a really bad tipping point then it's the straw that broke the camels back. Anyway the tipping point is everything for me these days, like the endless nonsense conversation, the endless repetitive questions, the neediness and self-absorbtion, the negativity and believing that no one cares for him, following me around everywhere, loss of freedom, loss of choice.... But the one that's really annoying me today is the amount of work he makes, so much cleaning, toilets all the time, sheets, clothes, the mess, helping with showering, dressing, teeth brushing..... Anyway I think I've come to the realisation today that I don't love him anymore (horrible to admit so hopefully this will stay hidden within your post). I feel so sad about it and it means I'm caring for him only out of pity and for what I used to feel for him. Trying to analyse whether I really don't love him anymore or perhaps there is something left because I would miss him if he wasn't around (or would I?). I wonder if anyone else has fallen out of love with their spouse/partner who has dementia, I would be too scared to ask in case it is only me!
Perhaps you’re like me, missing the life you used to have! I’ve had plenty of bad days, when I wish I’d never set eyes on him, but other days are better and I just feel so sad. It’s unfair, but then life is unfair!!
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
679
I forgot also, the swearing, the angry outbursts, the complete inability to understand anything I say to him, although I can repeat over and over he just doesn't get it, the need for entertaining all the time, the belief that he's been everywhere and seen everything before, including every film we go to see even when it's new, the belief that everything is his, even my car......Weekends really are the worst aren't they.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
679
Perhaps you’re like me, missing the life you used to have! I’ve had plenty of bad days, when I wish I’d never set eyes on him, but other days are better and I just feel so sad. It’s unfair, but then life is unfair!!
Yes it's unfair @Vitesse, so very unfair and so sad, how I miss the person he was.
 

Jacky54

New member
Aug 5, 2019
9
Think I've missed this thread @maryjoan been trying to catch up but too much to read. Tipping Point is a good name for it - but if it's a really bad tipping point then it's the straw that broke the camels back. Anyway the tipping point is everything for me these days, like the endless nonsense conversation, the endless repetitive questions, the neediness and self-absorbtion, the negativity and believing that no one cares for him, following me around everywhere, loss of freedom, loss of choice.... But the one that's really annoying me today is the amount of work he makes, so much cleaning, toilets all the time, sheets, clothes, the mess, helping with showering, dressing, teeth brushing..... Anyway I think I've come to the realisation today that I don't love him anymore (horrible to admit so hopefully this will stay hidden within your post). I feel so sad about it and it means I'm caring for him only out of pity and for what I used to feel for him. Trying to analyse whether I really don't love him anymore or perhaps there is something left because I would miss him if he wasn't around (or would I?). I wonder if anyone else has fallen out of love with their spouse/partner who has dementia, I would be too scared to ask in case it is only me!
I bet you’re not alone. It’s been just six months since my OH’s diagnosis and already it feels as if we’re living in a very narrow rut. At the moment he’s still able to do a lot for himself but gradually some of his hygiene is slipping. The frustration of looking after him is easier because he can still appreciate and thank me for the things I do, but I know that will not last. We loved the person they were, not who they become because of the disease. I’m hoping that will get me through in the future. I read a post on another site which said we’re dealing with the here and now while grieving for the past and worrying about the future. No wonder we’re exhausted. We’re alone in this so don’t be afraid to ask anything here.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
679
I bet you’re not alone. It’s been just six months since my OH’s diagnosis and already it feels as if we’re living in a very narrow rut. At the moment he’s still able to do a lot for himself but gradually some of his hygiene is slipping. The frustration of looking after him is easier because he can still appreciate and thank me for the things I do, but I know that will not last. We loved the person they were, not who they become because of the disease. I’m hoping that will get me through in the future. I read a post on another site which said we’re dealing with the here and now while grieving for the past and worrying about the future. No wonder we’re exhausted. We’re alone in this so don’t be afraid to ask anything here.
Four years since he was diagnosed. I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this.
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
1,444
South of the Border
Four years since he was diagnosed. I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this.
Exactly how I feel. Where is the man I fell in love with only 9 years ago?
I don't love the man I live with because he is not the same man in any way shape or form.
I feel for him and that is not the same.

I respect the man he was, and the kindnesses he showed me, I try very hard to remember them... but they are slipping away as they become overwhelmed by who he is now - and he can't help it, I know, I know, -
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
679
Exactly how I feel. Where is the man I fell in love with only 9 years ago?
I don't love the man I live with because he is not the same man in any way shape or form.
I feel for him and that is not the same.

I respect the man he was, and the kindnesses he showed me, I try very hard to remember them... but they are slipping away as they become overwhelmed by who he is now - and he can't help it, I know, I know, -
Yeah, know what you mean, harder and harder to remember how they were as it gets overtaken by how they are now. I saw someone wrote that their husband was diagnosed 3 years ago and is in a care home, in some ways I would like my partner to be but then I would feel guilty because he would hate it - oh you can't win can you. Like your idea of separate bungalow, that couldn't work for us unless he had a live in carer.
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
1,444
South of the Border
Yeah, know what you mean, harder and harder to remember how they were as it gets overtaken by how they are now. I saw someone wrote that their husband was diagnosed 3 years ago and is in a care home, in some ways I would like my partner to be but then I would feel guilty because he would hate it - oh you can't win can you. Like your idea of separate bungalow, that couldn't work for us unless he had a live in carer.
I am very unsure that it will work for us either - so renting for 6 months, see how it goes..... maybe
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,056
It’s a complete tragedy
I have come to the conclusion today that my dad does not have a clue that I have given up my freedom and any hope of a normal life for two and a half years now. I have been living with him for 10 months so now have no family life either but dad does not even realise this. He genuinely thinks he looks after himself and I have just popped in to see him.

How is it any kind of normal to live like this, it is crazy and I admit that I am feeling very sorry for myself.

I have given myself a get out date of April
 

Justmary

Registered User
Jul 12, 2018
87
West Midlands
@White Rose , @maryjoan , @jenniferjean I feel the same. I've known for a while that I'm no longer in love with my husband. And yes, I feel for him and care for him, and I did love the man he was, but that is the past. All I feel now is empty and so alone. But I try not to dwell on that too often. And this is the first time I've said it out loud.
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
1,444
South of the Border
@White Rose , @maryjoan , @jenniferjean I feel the same. I've known for a while that I'm no longer in love with my husband. And yes, I feel for him and care for him, and I did love the man he was, but that is the past. All I feel now is empty and so alone. But I try not to dwell on that too often. And this is the first time I've said it out loud.
@Justmary - it is a brave thing to acknowledge - and something I have only just done.
Phrases like ' taken over by aliens' and 'cuckoo in the nest' are what are in my head in relation to my OH. and if he asks me once more if I play chess I will scream loudly !!

Good night all
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
1,444
South of the Border
I have come to the conclusion today that my dad does not have a clue that I have given up my freedom and any hope of a normal life for two and a half years now. I have been living with him for 10 months so now have no family life either but dad does not even realise this. He genuinely thinks he looks after himself and I have just popped in to see him.

How is it any kind of normal to live like this, it is crazy and I admit that I am feeling very sorry for myself.

I have given myself a get out date of April
I think we all feel sorry for ourselves at this time of year. Others in the 'real' world are looking forwards to new things, while we a treading water and slowly sinking......
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,056
I think we all feel sorry for ourselves at this time of year. Others in the 'real' world are looking forwards to new things, while we a treading water and slowly sinking......
Yes I just see another year gone with not a lot to look forward to.
 

Vitesse

Registered User
Oct 26, 2016
216
It’s so sad that we all feel like this. The worst of it is feeling that nobody else understands or cares about me!! When I read these posts, however, that’s not true. We all care about each other!!! Some days I hate my husband, but most of the time, I look at him and just feel sorry it’s come to this and hope that the gods are kind to him. He wouldn’t want to be like this, no more than I do !!!
 

Staff online

Forum statistics

Threads
116,144
Messages
1,698,758
Members
66,963
Latest member
Cromo6555