1. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,484
    Hi @Dutchman I considered a care home for dad well over a year ago when my husband had 2 heart attacks and i just could not cope but then we found that dad had cancer and would not be getting treatment (it was the correct decision in my opinion) and I just felt that I could not put a dying man in a care home and instead decided to try and make his remaining time as nice as possible in his own home.

    We muddled through quite well until his hospital admission in February this year for pneumonia followed by a heart attack and a stroke and 3 falls and I went looking at care homes but again i felt awful about it and home he came. He has recovered well and can get about in his house but in hindsight he should have gone straight from hospital to a care home and he probably would not have noticed. At the time I could easily have got away with telling him that it was for recuperation. I don't think I would get away with it now though.

    Dad gets out of bed in the morning at anytime between 8.00 am and midday, he has breakfast and goes straight back to sleep in the chair for most of the day. He can stay awake for a quiz show or a documentary but he can't follow a lot of programmes so he goes to sleep. He goes to bed whenever I say it is time and sleeps through the night. He is no trouble whatsoever but it is incredibly boring and I am only doing this because he is supposed to be dying. If he wasn't ill I am sure that he would be in a care home by now.

    The thing is that he is safe at home and happy as Larry so I feel that I stuck with it until something happens to change things. I think it will only take another incident like a fall or an infection and dad will have another downturn and then he will not know where he is and it will be a lot easier for me to arrange a care home and he probably would not notice.

    Incontinence would be another line in the sand for me. Amazingly dad still takes himself to the toilet although I leave his bathroom light on at night.

    I feel for you, I really do and if it was my husband I think he would have gone into a care home well before now because I could not cope with the thought of this going on for years. Dad has got away with it because I know it will end at some point although that point is stretching out further than I expected.

    Not a lot of help I suppose but you are obviously considering it and that means that the time is approaching and you should not feel guilty because you have done so much already and you deserve to have some sort of life of your own and I agree everyday is the same.
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,323
    Kent
    My reason was also to keep my husband safe @Dutchman.

    He was losing mobility and forgot when he wanted to get up in the night. This caused him to fall and I had to call paramedics out almost nightly to help him up.

    At the same stage, he was still sundowning and went walkabout, again almost every evening. It was January and dark and even the winter weather could not keep him in.

    He insisted on going home to his real wife and his family.

    There was no way I could restain him. He was only a little man but was much stronger than I was.

    I was at the end of the line and with our son, made the most painful decision.

    By coincidence, at the same time, my husband`s CPN and SW decided they could no longer support me to keep my husband at home because I could no longer meet his needs and we were both at risk.
     
  3. Susan11

    Susan11 Registered User

    Nov 18, 2018
    1,483
    When my Dad was taken into hospital by the paramedics they took my Mum with them as she had hurt her leg and there was no one to take care of her ....i live 3 and a half hours away. I got there quickly but they would not let my Mum out into my care as i didn't live close to her and she would be on her own. It had become a safeguarding issue. I was told to find a care home for which her i did. They followed it up and checked that a place for her had be taken up at the care home i had mentioned to the SW. I had no alternative.
     
  4. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,292
    Female
    South of the Border
    Already feeling very low this week with the endless boredom and frustration of living with my OH and his constant problems....... but this morning, I got up, took his breakfast in to him ( as I do at weekends) and noticed the trousers he wore yesterday thrown on the floor... that should have warned me, but I chose to pretend otherwise.

    Now I know different.....

    HIs stoma bag, which he does not manage well, had leaked. Well, more than that. He had been to empty it after I had gone to bed ( I go about 10.30 he goes about 2.30) but he had not done the fastening up on it.

    He sat in his chair for goodness knows how many hours dozing and 'watching' Bull's Eye on Challenge TV. He stood up, to go to the conservatory to look for hedgehogs outside in the garden. His bag leaked from the sitting room, through to the conservatory ( floor, radiator etc etc ) before he noticed it. Instead of calling for me, he continued on his merry way, through a couple of other rooms into his bedroom leaking faeces wherever he went......

    Happy Days - oh and some of it was on the brand new sitting room rug I bought about 4 weeks ago......

    He is now sat 'watching' The Wheel of Fortune' while I write to you !!!!
     
  5. LizzieM

    LizzieM Registered User

    May 6, 2019
    27
    Oh heavens - I feel for you. No stoma bag here but double incontinence combined with indwelling catheter (open tap to empty....).
    Big ((((hug)))) from here and sending virtual Floris Bluebell (no point saving for best) to cover the pong - I can only empathise on how you feel you can never get rid of the smell and why is it always on the nice new stuff???!!! Xx
     
  6. Loisand

    Loisand Registered User

    Dec 25, 2017
    128
    Oh gosh, you and me alike....it's not Friday 13 is it, see Incontinence thread, all I can say it's a good job it's not raining today, really do feel for you, I know I keep saying it....but it's the SMELL, no matter how many air fresheners I have put round the house I can't stick one up my nose, keep your chin up, hugs x
     
  7. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,292
    Female
    South of the Border
    To be brutally honest - the stuff that comes out of his stoma, stinks like nothing on earth........... I have candle melts burning in most rooms all the time, windows open when possible - I don't go into his bedroom more than I have too - it's all about damage limitation isn't it???? The carer recommended something called Dr Backmann's stain remover - it comes like the usual sprays, but has a brush at the top - she said it was really good, so put it on my next grocery order list - not expensive either at under £4 - we will see.......
     
  8. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,292
    Female
    South of the Border
    Floris Bluebell - I will have to look out for that one too.....I don't get to the shops as we have no car, and live remotely. I shall have a look online - thanks for the tip !
     
  9. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,292
    Female
    South of the Border
    ...and today's tipping point is....

    I have tried to explain to him that he lost his driving license because of the dementia making safety an issue - he does not understand..

    My son has a bike shop and OH kept pestering him for a bike - which son conveniently kept forgetting about...... as one does in these cases...

    this morning OH has seen a bike for sale in the local shop for just £60 - so he has bought it, my thoughts? How safe will that be, how safe is he on the road? But because he thinks he is 'fine' .... how do I get around this one, as one does not need a driving license for a bike ( unfortunately)?
     
  10. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    157
    Female
    London
    Hi @maryjoan When my husbands grandma had dementia she insisted on keeping driving. My in laws response, after persuasion failed, was to leave the car lights on ‘accidentally’ so the battery was always flat when she tried to drive. Could you do something similar with flat tyres? Or better still ( as he might still insist on riding a bike with flat tyres) suggest a bike lock with a code, and no one can remember the code, and yes, a man is coming to deal with it but is busy until the day after tomorrow? Love lies x
     
  11. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,340
    Oh, Mary, poor you! I cringe for you!
    I use oil diffuser, I vary the oils some deem to cleanse the air as the steam scents the air. Mine dose not go out alone but I think the answer is the same, he sees a solution but not the consequences. Half logic.
    I have carpet tiles down so I can lift and rinse. These blend in like a carpet when down.
    Xxx
     
  12. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,292
    Female
    South of the Border
    OK all !! Have a giggle!!!

    OH has been keeping me awake with his coughing. I went to bed to catch a few zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz's - not thinking we live in a bungalow - did not draw the curtains.....

    I wake up puzzled by the noise on the TV get out of bed, to be confronted by the window cleaner at the window !!! He has as big a shock as I do, but fortunately I am wearing my underwear - which is clean and black - but I am no picture at my age..... oh heck.

    Window cleaner then tells me OH has gone off with a bloke in a 4 x 4 to look at a bike that he knows nothing about, and should not be buying. and cannot cycle back from where he has gone..........


     
  13. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    157
    Female
    London
    Oh no @maryjoan Perhaps you should call the police? It sounds like your OH could be in trouble, now or soon. It also sounds like it has become impossible for you to keep him safe and your own health is suffering. I don’t know if social services are involved, but for your sake and his perhaps they should be. Hope he comes back soon x
     
  14. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,292
    Female
    South of the Border
    Thankfully he is back - in one piece - but he has bought the bike, which is a real worry, as it means he will go off and I won't know where he is. I said at least he had to be safe, and get a helmet, but he refused, as he says he doesn't need one.
    There is no way I will be getting a bike to go with him - I do enough things that I do not want to to keep him safe/occupied.

    I think I will be ringing social services, as I cannot go on like this. I simply, mentally, cannot deal with the fact that he thinks everything is fine and dandy, and I know that it is not, and that problems lurk around every corner with him...
     
  15. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    157
    Female
    London
    I think that’s a really good decision @maryjoan Take courage, you are doing the right thing x
     
  16. Loisand

    Loisand Registered User

    Dec 25, 2017
    128
    Bless, please let me know how you get on with it, hugs x
     
  17. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,340
    just hope Adult Services acts quickly, this could turn into a Turning Point. I think several say it needs a crisis.
    Thinking of you, a big hug. Xxx
     
  18. SouWester

    SouWester Registered User

    Dec 11, 2012
    34
    Male
    Devon
    After many years of looking after my wife i have reached the tipping point today. I understand from Social Services that I can just say 'I have had enough and no longer feel able to give her the care she now needs'. Has anyone on here walked away like this? Are there any downsides to it? I don't want to lose contact with her.
     
  19. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,432
    Female
    Dundee

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.