Taken Mum to Care Home :(

[Katrine]

Taurus, I'm very sorry to hear how stressful your visits are at the moment. Like you, we are in the early days of CH life with MIL. She left her actual home 6 months ago and spent 6 weeks in hospital where she was restless and determined to get home and needed 24/7 minders. Then she spent 4 months in CH no.1, and has been in CH no.2 for 3 weeks. Initially she was like a caged lion in both CHs (though not aggressive).

She did settle when, due to summer holidays, she had no family visitors for 2 weeks. Upon transferring to CH no.2 she pressed the reset 'rescue' button in her mind. She was tearful and agitated for the first week when we were visiting daily for various practical and administrative reasons. Then I had to go away for 10 days and she was much calmer when I saw her again. She still wants to go home but has begun to transfer her neediness from her family to the carers.

This gradual development of trust in her carers, if you are lucky enough to experience it, is essential for the settling in process and is less likely to happen if outsiders visit too frequently. She doesn't actually need you to visit at the moment, it's you that needs to see her. Try to get your feedback on her welfare from phone calls to the CH. Send her a postcard or drop off some sweeties with a note for her, but don't provoke her negative emotions by appearing in person.

 

[Witzend]

Taurus, I had much the same with my mother - I know how upsetting it is. To be honest I just told her masses of little white lies - anything that might work and keep her reasonably happy for the moment. It was absolutely no use telling her however kindly that she needed to be there, she had been unhappy and frightened at home - she simply could not remember and according to her there was absolutely nothing wrong with her. (She was so bad by then that she could no longer even make herself a cup of tea and without masses of support would have been living in squalor)

One thing I told her over and over was that I was looking for a nice little flat for her, just down the road from me. I was going to have another look on the internet as soon as I got home and as soon as I found a really nice one, we'd go and have a look together. She had always been an inveterate 'mover' and so this worked for her. She never remembered that I'd said the same before - short term memory was almost non existent by then. At the time it was the only way, so I never felt bad about it. When it comes to dementia it is so often a case of whatever will keep them happy for the moment.

 

[Il Gufo]

Dancing with my Mum!

Hi everyone. Thank you all again for kind comments and positive suggestions/ideas.
Went to visit Mum last Thursday eventually, as car in for service and not ready on Wednesday as promised
When I arrived at the CH, I could see about a dozen residents, Mum being one of them, sitting in the main lounge whilst a volunteer was setting up a table with dvd's and papers on. It turned out to be a church service just a few hymns, a reading and some prayers. Whilst as a family we are not at all frequent church-goers, I though may as well join in. The main reason being that Mum had gone along there and got herself settled, and was chatting to the lady next to her when I arrived. Mum said 'Hello" but was a little off with me, but I just got on with things.
When we returned to her room, she sat down and said "Can you explain again why you put me here, without any warning or explanation"? I went through the same replies as always, that we had told her previously, that we needed her to be safe, that I was making myself ill worrying about her wandering out at night. Lots of tears from us both as I promised that if I needed to go through the same conversation each time I visited I would, that it was not her choosing to forget, it was her illness making her forget. Then all of a sudden she looked up as I was cuddling her and said "Oh b******s"!!!!!! Have never heard her use the word before, though a little mild cussing is more her thing. "What"?? I asked. She smiled through her tears and said "I"m so cross with myself that I have been so horrible to you about all this. I know you are only doing your best". Of course, more tears then,as for a few moments my loving, understanding Mum was back.
Anyway, we pulled ourselves together as there was a knock on her door. It was her keyworker, come to introduce herself. What a lovely lady! Told Mum to ask her anything she needed to know about, explained that she would help Mum each day with having a shower, as Mum told her was nervous of the 'sitting down' shower and the different controls. Offered to bring in nail polish and paint Mum's nails if she wanted. Then announced lunch was being served in the small dining room, so walked Mum down. It was a lovely atmosphere, much more suited to Mum's level of dementia than the wing downstairs. Mum has already made a couple of friends, and sat at a table with them. I nipped back to her room to update my sister who was still away on holiday. After lunch I got out the old photos I had taken down, and we spent a good hour sorting them, and putting them in the album. Mum hugged me and said - "You're so good to me, bringing these down when I've been so vile to you". I laughed it off - but it meant such a lot to hear her say it.
Mum was going to have a short nap, as worn out with all the emotion of the morning. However, one of the volunteers came along and said there was a guy with a guitar singing down in the big lounge. Am so glad we went down! He was only a young man, maybe 25 or so, but was belting out Elvis and Bill Haley songs, whilst the staff and volunteers were getting up those who wanted to bop along to the music. Mum and Dad were avid dancers all their years together, so Mum and I joined in Although Mum is a little unsteady on her feet now, we just jigged along holding hands. It was a joyous time for us. My brother and SIL arrived after about 25 mins, and my SIL joined us dancing too. Brother far too sensible and staid! Mum was tearful again, but as she said 'happy tears" to have us there together. If she only knew the rows and upsets I've had over the years with him about his lack of interest in visiting Mum, and him putting other stuff before her! But.............. if it makes her happy to see us together, that is all good. I can be the better person (polishes halo).
We had cups of tea, and then I left for the drive home. I felt so much happier than I have for a long time - and if when I visit this week we are back to square one I'll start all over again.
Thank you Varandas for posting your lovely comment - I'm very humbled by the idea that you find my posts inspiring. Dazmum, great idea about my scanned photos, I'll look into doing as you suggest. And Witzend, I'm so sorry to hear that things went that way with your Mum and trips out - I'll take your advice and take Mum out as often as I can, while she can still enjoy it.

 

[starryuk]

Il Gufo,
What a lovely visit. It is such a relief when you can see your mum beginning to settle, isn't it. I admit to feeling a little envious that your mum still has enough insight to have that conversation with you, but pleased for you at the same time.

Elvis really gets around! He keeps turning up at my Mum's CH as well! Last time I took the grandchildren with me ( 3 and 1). They were mesmerised. Stared open mouthed. Then clapped and cheered with the rest of the audience! Happy moments

 

[CollegeGirl]

Il Gufo, your post has brought tears to my eyes, I'm so pleased for you. What a lovely day you had, I hope you have many more visits like this.

xxx

 

[Witzend]

So glad you had such a happy visit, Gufo. Long may they continue.

 

[Varandas]

I am so glad that you had such a good time during your visit.
I am always amazed how moments of 'normal self' happens during a conversation and no doubt those five minutes of happiness will live on for a long time.
Well done you for your self control and most of all for caring so much.
All the best