Advice - mother in law been taken into a care home

[Daughterinlaw83]

Hi all this is my first post and I am new to this so please be gentle.... My mother in law was admitted to a care home yesterday and we as a family are all reeling. My father in law has been her main carer since her diagnosis around 2 years ago. He was recently taken into hospital and has been unable to provide the 24 hour care that he has been for my mother in law. This has meant as a family we have had to provide 24 hour care for the last month. This has involved sleeping over at the flat where my MIL was living, providing all care needs and taking her to and from the hospital daily to visit my FIL as well as dealing with memory loss, she has forgotten my husband on many occasions. She has become aggressive at times and abusive towards some family members.
This has taken a huge toll mentally on all of us, especially my husband and his brothers.
Things came to a head over the weekend and it was deemed my MIL was unsafe to be left alone anymore and was admitted to a local care home. The first attempt to get her in failed and she spent her last night at her flat on Friday evening. Saturday morning came and we were told by social services she had to go to the home that day and the staff would help to admit her. This went fairly smoothly and a couple of family members were able to get her to agree to go in and we're able to leave without her. She has called numerous people since being admitted, screaming blue murder and telling people she has been kidnapped. She is clearly very distressed which I completely understand.
I wondered if anyone had any advice regarding visiting, how long did you leave it before a first visit? I have heard shorter more regular visits can be a bit easier than long visits. It would be really helpful to hear from anyone who has experienced anything like this. I also have a question about how moving forward my FIL will ever be able to see her again. He is on oxygen 24 hours a day and house bound. It wouldn't be possible for her to visit the flat as we would never get her back to the home without assistance or possibly sedating her (not us a professional) Has anyone been in a situation like this and if so how did you navigate this? Is it time for my FIL to say goodbye and let the dementia take over and not see my MIL again or how do we manage? I understand we are going through a period of grieving and things will take time but I needed to reach out so thanks for reading.
Thanks in advance for any replies

 

[Sarasa]

A warm welcome to Dementia Support Forum @Daughterinlaw83.
First of all, try not to feel guilty, pretty impossible I know. There comes a time when a person with dementia needs a whole team to care for them and in most cases that means a move into care.
It is very early days, but I think it is best not to visit for a few days so she gets to know the home and the staff. When you do visit krep the visits short, and don't say goobye. Either say you're off to the loo or time your departure with lunch or an activity that is distracting your mother in law.
As for your father in law, does the home have a nursing section what he could move into? Other than that maybe if his health improves a little he can visit her there
This is a very friendly and supportive site, so I’m sure others will be along soon with their tips and suggestions.

 

[Louise7]

Hello @Daughterinlaw83 welcome to the Dementia Support Forum although sorry that you have been going through such a difficult time. My mum is in a care home, and it isn't easy at first as it does tend to take quite a while for both the person going into a home, and also family/carers, to adapt to this change. Your MIL will need time to settle into her new environment and to start relying on the care staff, and in terms of how long before the first visit, there is no right or wrong period of time, but leaving it a week or so can sometimes help the person to settle in better as visits from family can be a trigger in terms of wanting to leave. However, everyone is different so perhaps speak to the care staff to get their views as to how your MIL is settling in and whether they feel that it might be best to leave it a little while before visiting. Perhaps the staff could also monitor your MIL's phone use too if she is contacting people and screaming at them, to help reduce her distress and also for those receiving the calls? When I visit mum we have regular video calls via whatsapp with family members who are not able to visit so frequently, and I know that some on here have found the Amazon Show a useful way to keep in touch too. If your FIL wouldn't be able to make the calls himself perhaps a family member could help to facilitate these? As mentioned, it's very early days but your MIL is safe and receiving 24hr care, and it may not seem like it at the moment but things will get better in time.

 

[JoannePat]

I don't really have much to add to the answers you have already received. We didn't visit my mum for about a week, but kept in contact with the Care Manager. When we visited it was for about an hour and like @Sarasa said she was taken in for lunch and we left. There was never a big goodbye.

Know that we are thinking of you and to take care of yourself,

Jxx

 

[Daughterinlaw83]

Thanks so much for your replies. It really helps to hear other people's experiences so I really am grateful for all your replies. I am going to visit her tomorrow with my sister in law. I don't know how this will go but we wanted to just see her and in some way let her know we are still there, even though she probably won't have much concept of this. I had heard a week but my sister in law is keen to go and asked me to go too. My FIL won't ever be able to go and visit her, he comes out of hospital tomorrow and is housebound due to needing oxygen 24 hours a day. I don't know how to support him really but I did think about video calls maybe as a start. I don't think we could take my MIL out of the home and back to her old flat to visit him as she would never leave of her own accord. This would be too tricky to navigate.
I am also trying to support my 10 year old daughter who is struggling with not knowing if she can see her grandma again which is hard. I don't have the answers and I don't like it

 

[ChaceSoto]

Every situation is different, and what may work for one family may not work for another. Some families prefer regular but shorter visits to prevent patient fatigue and stress. Others prefer longer visits to establish deeper connection and support.

 

[Jools1402]

@Daughterinlaw83 When my step mother needed to be on oxygen 24/7 (fibrosis) she was given an oxygen converter machine for everyday use at home, a large cylinder to be used in case of a power cut and also a couple of small cylinders for going out. When she wanted to visit my dad in his home (vascular dementia) we used to get her into the wheelchair and the cylinder would go in a bag underneath. If your FIL becomes well enough for a trip out to visit then perhaps use a wheelchair, wheelchair taxi if you can't get him into any other transport and a portable oxygen cylinder. Bit of a faff and he might not be well enough but just a thought.