Taken Mum to Care Home :(

[Il Gufo]

Last Tuesday we took our lovely Mum to the care home which my sister had found after looking at several in her area. We tried to manage Mum in her care assisted house - but she was deteriorating at an alarming rate. She has been so anxious and unsettled for the past few weeks - thinking that there were other people staying with her, then leaving without telling her. She had started to go out at night looking for them, and we were all so afraid for her safety. When she was at home she called every night to ask to 'go back to her old place', and insisting this wasn't her home. She seemed frightened and unsettled, and for the past two weeks I had her sleeping here, and just dropping her back on the odd day to see her friends, as she didn't recognise that her home was really her home.
The week before last things came to a head, when I had a call from the local police at 4:00 in the afternoon. The lovely PCSO informed me that she was sitting with Mum in our local shopping centre, and Mum couldn't remember her address. As a family we had agreed that when things got so bad that Mum didn't know, or couldn't find her way home a care home was the only option.
I'm sure many of you already know the trauma of leaving your loved one in a care home - no matter how suitable and welcoming the place is. After caring for both my dad during his last years with cancer, then the past six years looking after mum I am lost. Mum is in a care home near my brother and sister, as my sister especially wanted to help more with Mum, and as she works it is easier for her to find an hour a day rather than travelling 80 miles up here. I am happy to drive and see Mum a couple of times a week. The thing is, and I know it has only been six days, but Mum has cried each time my sister has visited, saying she can't bear to be there, and she will 'try harder if you let me go home'. How do we get past this stage? I feel like the worst daughter in the world! Mum has a lovely room, plenty of activities and kind, caring staff there. My sister and I think the main problem is that there are only a couple of ladies there at the same level of dementia as Mum - the others being much more advanced. Mum told my young nephew that she hadn't made any friends, as they were all worse than her and couldn't hold a conversation. Mum is in the specialist dementia unit - there is another unit there for those without dementia. Would it be of any use to ask for her to be moved there? Any advice from anyone who has lived through this nightmare would be welcome. Thank you all.

 

[Noorza]

I would talk to the care home manager and see how she is when you are not visiting, it could be she's settled when you're not there. This is a really common stage we hear it so often on TP but each and every time it's heartbreaking for the families which is just natural but its probably a good idea to remind yourself why you came to this decision.

My first concern is that she may not have the same level of care in the non dementia unit, could she wander from there or is it secure? I'd be talking to the manager to see if anything can be adapted for her to make the transition easier and to find out how she is when in their care.

 

[Dazmum]

I am sorry, and can really understand your upset. My own mum is in a similar position, needing to be in the more secure unit because of wandering, but not being as far along as the majority of others there. It is something that has bothered me from day one. But, she has settled, and she does get a good amount of 1-1 time from the activities staff because she can hold a conversation. She has a paper delivered too. When possible, I have asked that she be invited to join in the activities in the other lounges with the more able residents, while supervised of course, and she sometimes goes to have meals in the bigger dining room so she can chat to others. Is this something that you could ask to happen?

It is really difficult, and it took me a long time to accept that for her own safety, she needed to be where she is; I think it took longer for me than mum. I think I was more 'accepting' of it, when the staff told me that she had been given the choice to go to the other part of the home, but had chosen to stay where she was. Also, it is very early days for your mum too, and for you. I still have worries about this, but then something will happen to reassure me that she is in the right area of the home and that I'm more concerned than she is. The old guilt monster likes to prod at me now and then I just wish there could be an 'in between' area for those residents like our mums, it just seems to be one or the other in most places.

 

[Il Gufo]

Thanks for quick replies. We have spoken to the people at the care home, and they said Mum is settling well, taking her meals in the dining room, joining in the activities and chatting to people. She has always been a very gregarious, lively lady who enjoys meeting people. But it saddens us that she is saying things like "I can't live the rest of my life in a place like this", and "I never thought my own children would ever do this to me". Mum cared for her own mother for some years, and always vowed that she would never expect or want any of us to have to do the same. Of course, with the progression of the dementia, and the reality of needing 24 hour care, she probably doesn't remember feeling that way. My sister and I know that it will take time (my brother is still 'an invisible', not even coming with us to take Mum last Tuesday, although it would have meant the world to her if he had been there). When we left her at the care home, her last words to my sister were "You will call ***** won't you"? Almost as if she thought we had not told him, and that was why he was absent. I just want Mum to find her "happy place"..........

 

[krosbykat]

Care home versus home care

Hello, can anyone offer advice as to the benefits of having a 24 hour live in carer versus the care home option. My elderly mum has dementia. She is fit and enjoys her walks but can't make a meal or cup of tea and has limited short term memory. She currently has 3 visits a day from her social service care package but they feel that the time is coming when we need to look for "a placement" (their words) in a care home. I've had a look around, but to be honest the residents in the homes I've viewed seemed to be much more frail, both physically & mentally, than my mum. I can't help but think that she is not ready for that yet.
Has anyone had experience of engaging a 24 hour carer/companion in this situation?
Thanks

 

[starryuk]

Hello Il Guffo,

I know exactly what you mean. My mum's CH also has a small specialist dementia unit attached to the main home, which has a mixture of dementia and non-dementia residents. I have fought (and won so far) against her being put in the specialist unit. At first the staff were concerned about Mum wanting to go outside and possibly escaping. As time has gone on and they have got to know her better, they are much more relaxed.

I would find out why the staff want to keep your mum in the unit. If you disagree with their reasoning, explain yours. You know your mum best, the staff have only just met her and know little of her history/personality yet. Take it from there.

By the way, it doesn't seem to bother mum if people are so much worse than her, in fact I think it makes her feel 'superior'! It probably worried me more at first, but now I am familiar with the residents, I rather enjoy the smiles and waves I get. (Particularly fond of the lady who tells me each time "you're a pretty girl aren't you?"

 

[Heather E]

HI
Yes we tried the live in carer route for Mum - not very successful i'm afraid as mum kept waking in the night wondering who the stranger was and eventually 'kicked her out" - we've made the awful decision post a hospital stay to place mum in a Care home - but it's tough she cries every time I leave - GUILT evey day :: there are no easy answers

((

Hello, can anyone offer advice as to the benefits of having a 24 hour live in carer versus the care home option. My elderly mum has dementia. She is fit and enjoys her walks but can't make a meal or cup of tea and has limited short term memory. She currently has 3 visits a day from her social service care package but they feel that the time is coming when we need to look for "a placement" (their words) in a care home. I've had a look around, but to be honest the residents in the homes I've viewed seemed to be much more frail, both physically & mentally, than my mum. I can't help but think that she is not ready for that yet.
Has anyone had experience of engaging a 24 hour carer/companion in this situation?
Thanks

 

[Haylett]

I'm so sorry Il Gufo. It must be awful for you and your sister. I don't wish to infantilise your Mum, but do you think it might help if she had a soft toy or doll to hold - perhaps especially at night? Or a cushion that has something familiar on it, from you and your sister? Mum was often comforted by a doll that she talked to a lot - it seemed to help her bridge a "lonely" gap when our being there just wasn't working for her. I have to say that my Mum at this stage was worse than yours, so perhaps a doll/toy isn't at all appropriate for your Mum. The other thing that seemed to allow Mum to rest and relax was recordings - music (classical and 'New Age"!; sounds of nature, dawn chorus etc); but I also tried to record our reading her favourite poems or pieces of literature, and that seemed to work too.

I hope your Mum settles soon. It sounds as if the home you have both found for her is very caring and willing to do what it takes - so that's reassuring.

 

[copsham]

Your post bought tears to my eyes; It is so so hard!

With the routine, stimulation and company my mother has developed phenomenally. She became one of the most able in the unit despite memory loss. Recently she has become a "helper" ie waters a plant, takes an empty cup to the sink, picks up a newspaper from the floor etc. Staff praise her and she feels important.

Can your mother be taken for tea to the non dementia unit as a routine rather than moving unit. This might seem like a treat. However my mother clams up when she is with more able people so as not to so her memory loss.

Wishing you well

 

[Il Gufo]

Meeting tomorrow

Thank you all so much for your support and kind words/advice. My sister had terrible conversations with our brother last night - in which he insisted that she had made an awful choice of care home (she certainly has not), and is now saying that he and his wife will take mum out and care for her at their home. This from the man who has not had any involvment other than occasional respite care at his when I am on holiday - during which time the majority of care is given by his wife! He has never taken her for gp, dental and hospital appointments, come up for her birthday or Mother's day, shown any interest in researching care homes when the idea was first considered last February. Actually said to my sister when she told him that the police had bought mum home couple of weeks ago "I don't know what is going on in Mum's head at the moment"?? Duhhhhh? Dementia is what is going on! Fortunately my sister and I have POA for Health and Welfare, so nothing can be done without our agreement. I know it would make Mum the happiest ever if she went to stay there, but it HAS to be considered and well thought out by them, with a proper plan. My sister has told him to come up with said plan and backup arrangements, and then we will discuss it at a family meeting. Meanwhile Sis and I have a meeting at the CH tomorrow morning to discuss whether it would be best for Mum to move 'houses' to the non-dementia wing. We are determined to do our very best for Mum's happiness and peace of mind - working with the staff and experts at the CH. Wish us well!!

 

[Il Gufo]

Positive meeting

We had a very useful meeting yesterday with the management team and Mum's carer, in which we discussed Mum moving to the floor above the dementia unit, where the residents are 'mixed ability'. It was also very difficult, as whilst my sister and I acknowledge Mum's dementia, our brother, as the manager pointed out, is still in denial about Mum's illness.( Both he and his wife insist that during the odd times when Mum goes to stay with them she has no problems whatsoever. So if anyone is seeking a cure for dementia please contact me - and you can have their home address )
On a serious note, it was agreed that Mum moves rooms to see if she is happier with the residents on that floor, and is able to maybe make friends. Although as me and my sister pointed out to our brother, Mum has dementia and she is not going to miraculously get better. CH workers there are truly amazing - have said they are happy to move mum for a trial period to the available room to see if settles. I am just happy that Mum is SAFE and being cared for by such wonderful people. Also it has only been nine days since Mum went to live there, so of course she is unsettled and sad. Will let you know how the mobe goes x

 

[starryuk]

Il Gufo,
Good news! Glad to hear that the management team is being very responsive to your concerns.
I do hope your mum can settle a little better in the mixed ability unit. It sounds like a lovely CH.

I was just wondering, did you tell the manager that your brother is in denial or did he/she figure it out??

xx

 

[Il Gufo]

starryuk

Hi, She figured it out And then said to me and my sister after the meeting "You're brother is in denial, and did you see his face when I told him so? He didn't like it, but I am always straight with people"! He truly does live on a different planet! Yesterday he swore that he always replies to my emails, and acted amazed that I said otherwise. Since yesterday morning I have emailed him twice re Mum - once to tell him when I'll be visiting this weekend so we don't overlap, and a much lengthier message this morning reporting on my conversation with CH. Have I had any reply to either message? Will leave you to guess

 

[elizabet]

Hello , it is really difficult for you at present and I can empathise with you. .
My Mum has now been in her care home six months now and she likes it -although was constantly packing up all her things and telling the staff she was not staying because her daughter was coming to take her home during the first few weeks. Physically she has thrived during these last 6 months and celebrated her 90th birthday a few weeks ago- something I never thought she would reach when she was living alone as she was forgetting to eat and take her medication. Having carers coming in to oversee her having her pills and food was not satisfactory.
As you say your mum is safe .
I am sure given more time she will adjust and accept her new surroundings .We daughters still have to deal with our own feelings of guilt though.-only natural in the circumstances.
All the best,Elizabeth.

 

[Dazmum]

Both he and his wife insist that during the odd times when Mum goes to stay with them she has no problems whatsoever. So if anyone is seeking a cure for dementia please contact me - and you can have their home address )

That did make me laugh! I'm pleased that your mum's care home has agreed to the trial run, what nice people they sound.

My aunt (dad's sister) visited my dad once in his care home, pronounced it 'awful' and told the rest of the family and me! I was so gob-smacked I never said anything at the time, but I will one day, especially as my mum is now there and has never been visited. Why would she think I would deliberately choose somewhere 'awful' for my beloved mum and dad? Relatives eh?

 

[Witzend]

That did make me laugh! I'm pleased that your mum's care home has agreed to the trial run, what nice people they sound.

My aunt (dad's sister) visited my dad once in his care home, pronounced it 'awful' and told the rest of the family and me! I was so gob-smacked I never said anything at the time, but I will one day, especially as my mum is now there and has never been visited. Why would she think I would deliberately choose somewhere 'awful' for my beloved mum and dad? Relatives eh?

Presumably an invisible? Invisibles so often like to criticise - of course they would do and manage everything so much better themselves, if only they weren't far too busy to actually do it...

 

[Canadian Joanne]

So if anyone is seeking a cure for dementia please contact me - and you can have their home address )

I'll try and figure out a way to get my mother over there.

 

[Il Gufo]

Hi, thought I would update you all on my lovely Mum and her CH. My OH and myself went to visit Mum on Friday. She was a little what my sister and I call 'chippy' - ie made some sarcastic comments - when we first arrived. I'm sure many of you have had the same, my life is over now, you can carry on enjoying yours etc. My OH is truly marvellous at handling Mum, telling her that her life was certainly not over, she was just starting a new phase of it, one where she didn't have to worry about cooking, cleaning, shopping for dinner etc. One where she had company whenever she needed it, but equally her own lovely room when she wanted to be alone.
Once Mum was a little pacified, we decided to take her out for a pub lunch. This was far more successful than I could have hoped, with Mum enjoying her food and change of scenery. She chatted about the meals at the CH, and said the puddings were particularly good . She asked again about the meeting we had all had, and I explained that we all thought she might enjoy life better up on the wing above the one she was on now. Few more tears as she said the only move she wanted was to go home, but we gently explained again that was not possible, as we were all so worried about her. Suggested that we look again at the room upstairs when we returned to the CH after lunch, which we did along with the lovely senior carer on that wing. Hurrah! This lady was lovely, came from Birmingham which is where Mum has lived all her life - and said "Oh, we do hope you'll move up here, all us Brummies should stick together"! Although Mum was very tired from the trip out, and also the stress she is still having about the move in general, she was pleased to agree to the move. This is taking place today, and the CH have suggested that no-one visits today so they can handle things. We left Mum chatty and laughing about something daft my OH had been telling her, and carried on to spend a lovely weekend in London with our son, daughter-in-law and our beautiful grandaughter of 8 months. It was so lovely to be able to enjoy time with them, without worrying about Mum, or having to try and arrange for her to stay with my siblings so we could relax. SIL visited Mum twice over the weekend (brother away doing his own thing) and reported that Mum seemed much more settled and happy. Hopefully this was the case, and not just what SIL thinks I want to hear. Sorry to sound a bit mean and sceptical, but if you have read previous posts of mine you will know that they don't seem to see any of Mum's dementia related problems. Will be going to visit on Wednesday, and hope to have good news to write about. Thank you all again for your positive comments and support - it really does help me in a very difficult time.

 

[angecmc]

Sounds really positive, really pleased for you all, hope it continues this way, but just don't forget with dementia you may get a bit of emotional blackmail along the way. Hold on to the thoughts you have just shared about being able to spend quality time with your family without worrying about your Mum's safety or loneliness. The carehome sounds lovely xx

Ange

 

[Il Gufo]

angecmc

Hi, thanks for posting comment. Yep, we have had some of the emotional blackmail you mention. ie When me and my lovely sis left Mum after visit last week, my sister hugged mum and said "Bye Mum, love you". To which Mum replied 'But obviously not enough or I wouldn't be in here" This was obviously upsetting, although we both know that isn't our lovely Mum talking - it is the disease. We were just telling staff that we were leaving, when Mum came hurrying down the corridor, moving quicker than I have seen in months, with no stick or walking frame. "Oh hello, where are you off to"? I asked. "I've just come to say sorry, I didn't mean what I just said". Cue tears all round. It is so sad that Mum is still aware of her illness, and has such moments. Although we know that when the dementia progresses there will be other worse problems to deal with.