• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can now be found in our new area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Sugar in her coffee

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,263
South East
I like the “kill or cure “ theory 😂 glad you at least had a nice time on your bike . I loved open all hours @annielou, I’m picturing it now .Sorry mum cut you off but quick chat sounded not too bad .
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,412
Bedford
I liked Ronnie Barker in so many programmes but I didn’t like ‘open all hours’
I think Mum cutting me off was accidental so not really worried. They posted some more photos up today and I think the receptionist had given those that requested a manicure. One photo shows Mum with a cheeky grin on her face but in the next she has her eyes wide open so I am wondering what was said to her - maybe a naughty joke 😊
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,412
Bedford
Went to see Mum for a window visit and she was confused most of the time. She often thought I was her sister but little was making sense. She did like her Belgium bun that I took in (cellophane on it so it could be wiped over first) . She had a cry and said she just wants to go ‘out’ for a walk. She says she is fed up of only been allowed out in the garden. Managed to get some smiles though before I left.
Saw the Clinical Lead who I have been discussing Mum with briefly and she said she had also sent me an email to answer my questions.
It was all what I had been looking for and she said she was quite happy to discuss on the phone once I had the opportunity to look at the email and the ABC documented information relating to challenging behaviours.
I did not know that such a document existed. Basically it shows what happened and what the staff did about any incidents.
Very sad reading but I now understand so much better. Mum has been quite aggressive at times in the last few months and the number of incidents has increased. Mum has decided her ‘job’ is to look after the other residents so when the staff are trying to ‘prevent’ her ‘helping other residents’ she gets quite nasty. In her eyes she is perfectly capable especially as she always wanted to be a nurse. It has taken the staff a bit of time to work out which approach may be successful to distract Mum and keep the other resident safe. She has dug her nails into one member of staff and has bruised another. She particularly wants to help one male resident who does not want her help. She is also wandering into other residents rooms collecting their items. I think on this basis they may well move Mum (and the other dementia residents back up to the 2nd floor again as I am sure the other residents will not be happy about it. I know one of the other ladies there with dementia also ‘collects’ from other rooms too.
It also appears that Mum is wandering at night and frequently still packing her bags.
Mum’s glasses appear and disappear frequently. Staff will offer to help Mum find them but of course she refuses help as she can do it. They will also try to find them when she is at lunch for example but then they disappear again quickly.
Reading it all made me cry. As many people on her have said before - if Mum knew she was doing this she would be mortified to know she had hurt anyone or taken other people’s possessions. Knowing it is the illness does not help.
On the positive I feel like the Clinical Lead is working with me and she is actually going to be promoted up to the General Manger there (under training) She seems really proactive so I have more confidence in the Home again. For example,
it was in my Mum’s notes that I wanted to be fully involved with Mum’s care and since I raised my concerns I have had several phone calls advising about her injured toe, that they have contacted GP as Mum has constipation. That is fine by me and I want to know these things. Not sure why when I can’t do anything - no I do know why I just want to know Mum is cared for and knowledge is understanding.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,850
North West
Went to see Mum for a window visit and she was confused most of the time. She often thought I was her sister but little was making sense. She did like her Belgium bun that I took in (cellophane on it so it could be wiped over first) . She had a cry and said she just wants to go ‘out’ for a walk. She says she is fed up of only been allowed out in the garden. Managed to get some smiles though before I left.
Saw the Clinical Lead who I have been discussing Mum with briefly and she said she had also sent me an email to answer my questions.
It was all what I had been looking for and she said she was quite happy to discuss on the phone once I had the opportunity to look at the email and the ABC documented information relating to challenging behaviours.
I did not know that such a document existed. Basically it shows what happened and what the staff did about any incidents.
Very sad reading but I now understand so much better. Mum has been quite aggressive at times in the last few months and the number of incidents has increased. Mum has decided her ‘job’ is to look after the other residents so when the staff are trying to ‘prevent’ her ‘helping other residents’ she gets quite nasty. In her eyes she is perfectly capable especially as she always wanted to be a nurse. It has taken the staff a bit of time to work out which approach may be successful to distract Mum and keep the other resident safe. She has dug her nails into one member of staff and has bruised another. She particularly wants to help one male resident who does not want her help. She is also wandering into other residents rooms collecting their items. I think on this basis they may well move Mum (and the other dementia residents back up to the 2nd floor again as I am sure the other residents will not be happy about it. I know one of the other ladies there with dementia also ‘collects’ from other rooms too.
It also appears that Mum is wandering at night and frequently still packing her bags.
Mum’s glasses appear and disappear frequently. Staff will offer to help Mum find them but of course she refuses help as she can do it. They will also try to find them when she is at lunch for example but then they disappear again quickly.
Reading it all made me cry. As many people on her have said before - if Mum knew she was doing this she would be mortified to know she had hurt anyone or taken other people’s possessions. Knowing it is the illness does not help.
On the positive I feel like the Clinical Lead is working with me and she is actually going to be promoted up to the General Manger there (under training) She seems really proactive so I have more confidence in the Home again. For example,
it was in my Mum’s notes that I wanted to be fully involved with Mum’s care and since I raised my concerns I have had several phone calls advising about her injured toe, that they have contacted GP as Mum has constipation. That is fine by me and I want to know these things. Not sure why when I can’t do anything - no I do know why I just want to know Mum is cared for and knowledge is understanding.
Hmm it is upseeting to read things that have happened, I have had the same thing with mum too. Always on intervention including showering. It seems it is the way of dementia as it progresses and hard to accept at first. I know my mum would be horrified if she knew some of things she has done in her dementia bubble, but then I think what was once mum has been replaced by damaged brain and she really can't know what she is doing at this stage or have insight at all. She's alot better now as that phase seems to have passed mostly, though even now in her frailty she still tries to wander at night but not very well these days.

It takes time to absorb changes like this, so give yourself some space
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
362
[QUOTE="Bikerbeth, post: 1732868, member: 78524] This is fine by me and I want to know these things. Not sure why when I can’t do anything - no I do know why I just want to know Mum is cared for and knowledge is understanding.
[/QUOTE]
I quite understand @Bikerbeth . I can't do much being as far away as I am but I like to have updates and the home are quite good at balancing which families have what level of involvement. I panicked once when I was asked to take dad to a hospital appointment on a workday but it was a new person who got us confused with someone local who takes their dad to appointments (believe me I would if I could).
Then when the care manager text the other day about dad needing new special socks I sourced and ordered him a multipack straight away - it only took a few minutes - and she told me I was really good, some families don't get round to things for weeks. Poor dad had ruined almost all his socks and he can't wear just any old ones, how could you just leave them? Ordering some socks is the very least I could do.
So clearly they deal with all sorts. Glad the home was able to put your mind at rest.

Your mum making herself a nurse sounds like my dad too, he attacked some staff and knocked a resident over trying to throw them out of his pub. He's the landlord, as ever...
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,427
Yorkshire
Sorry your visit wasn't a very good one, glad you and your mum had some laughs and she liked her bun, hopefully when you left those are the feelings she'll remember, whereas unfortunately you remember it all. 🤗
Sounds like you have found someone who seems to have better grasp on things at the home and they are now responding to your request to be involved. I hope it continues as that will be so much better for you and your mum. I'm not surprised you cried reading it, bet reading the report was unsettling and an odd experience. Good that such a thing exists though and you can see it when want to and they are willing to discuss it with you. I hope staff are learning better strategies for your mum now and the incidents start to decrease.
How did your mum go on with the dog you bought, I wonder if that could be used as a distraction when your mum is wanting to take care of people to say dog is sad and needs cuddling. I saw a post online last week where a home had been gifted a couple of baby dolls and the residents were enjoying looking after them, a staff member had said that they were particularly good for residents who wanted to look after someone or something. He said some residents knew they were dolls but others weren't aware or weren't bothered and enjoyed cuddling, feeding and changing them. I suppose the thing with things like that are a timing thing though as think if tried to give my mum something like that at moment she'd know was a doll and think I was being daft, but maybe in an environment with others who interacted with them she would be different. Ooh sorry gone off on a tangent there.
Sending lots of hugs 🤗🤗🤗 and hope you can get things settled with a bit better mums home x
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,263
South East
That seems a huge step forward for you , good to hear, although tinged with much sadness about mum, we can maybe be thankful that they do not realise how they have changed . Easy to say it’s the disease , harder to reconcile heart and mind though . Hopefully that new found confidence in them is the start of better communications. Nice to hear you got some laughter from your mum . Take care 🤗
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,501
So glad that your mum's care home has finally found at least one member of staff that seems extremely capable, and good that has been recognised and she'll be prompted.
Moving floors may well help. Mum's home is on three floors. The ground floor is people who don't have dementia but have physical limitations or medical needs. They can come and go as they want. The other two floors are secure and most residents have dementia in one form or another. Mum moved floors after she became sexually active with a male resident and his wife objected. It's been a really good move. Somehow the atmosphere and the mix of other residents suits her better.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,412
Bedford
Thank you all for your replies.
I am with you on that one @imthedaughter I need to know what is going on with Mum . I know everyone’s situation and everyone’s relative is different but in Mum’s home it did seem that most relatives were uninvolved. I am glad that Mum was not a landlady then. I have so much respect for the staff who just say it is part of their job.
@annielou that is a good suggestion. I don’t think she is cuddling the dog yet but he has been on her dressing table consistently. Maybe not now but certainly later I think that may well work and maybe the staff might know differently. At the moment there is a still risk that she might still throw it at them
Yes @Woo2 I do have confidence in them again. If the Clinical Lead is involved like this and she is training to be the general Manager then hopefully this behaviour will go down the line. Last manager seemed happier strutting around in her high heels.

I could see the need to mix residents with dementia with the other residents due to the low numbers in the home @Sarasa when lockdown started Especially as a few residents left. Some have now come back and obviously they are taking in new residents so I think a move back upstairs would be good (although make my visits harder) At least upstairs there are 16 rooms and 2 lounge/dining rooms so a bit cosier and more like home. I think the wandering in and out of rooms might not be such a problem either. Also the ‘nurses station’ there has better visibility of the residents.
one incident that made me smile was that Mum’s call alarm was going off at 3.30am. Unfortunately Mum had locked her door (which they can’t do upstairs). However they got the key to unlock it and found Mum happily packing her stuff including the call alarm (still attached to wall) in her handbag. She told the staff member to please tell the taxi driver that she would only be a few more minutes and she would see them after her holiday. So not all sad moments @Palerider.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,263
South East
That is quite funny , I can just picture them trying not to chuckle at that unearthly hour ,I agree that is should filter some the line of command , she sounds a breath of fresh air and just what’s needed . So pleased you can feel that things are going to get better in terms of care and communication 🤞
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,850
North West
one incident that made me smile was that Mum’s call alarm was going off at 3.30am. Unfortunately Mum had locked her door (which they can’t do upstairs). However they got the key to unlock it and found Mum happily packing her stuff including the call alarm (still attached to wall) in her handbag. She told the staff member to please tell the taxi driver that she would only be a few more minutes and she would see them after her holiday. So not all sad moments @Palerider.
Yes there are the funny moments and that made me chuckle
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,412
Bedford
Nice visit on Monday through the window. Only a moment when Mum got a little upset. Managed to see some photos on her dressing table area so I managed to get her to pick one up and we had a natter about the people in it. She was pleased that I had sent some new knickers in but wished someone would cut her toe nails. Care Home ‘assessing ‘ the risk of having a chiropodist in. Must be so horrible for Mum with her toe nails so long and I can’t do anything apart from keep hassling them.
I didn’t get to talk to Mum today for various reasons but I did speak to the activity coordinator. They were doing seated exercises this morning. However Mum did not want to join in and turned up in her dressing gown with her coat on top to emphasise that she was not joining in. Such a shame as the photos did show the others enjoying themselves.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
80
I don't know if taste is affected but I was told that the semi-skimmed milk I had bought from the co-op was thin. I am sure it is indistinguishable from other milk.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,427
Yorkshire
Glad you had a mostly nice visit on monday, that was good distracting to help your mum when she was upset 👍 x Such a shame about her missing out on the seated exercises but then I suppose not all activities are for everyone and some people aren't always tempted to be joiners. Mum said she wasn't a joiner when first went to chat to day centre manager but then months later when she actually went it sounded like she joined in with everything which surprised me. I hope that means that if mum ever did go into care home she might do same there as did at day centre and join in, but mums a stubborn woman and she has been known to often cut off her nose to spite her face so if she was that way out I can imagine my mum doing something similar to yours. Mum has a way of sitting rigid and stony faced so you can tell she is not happy. It's a shame as you do tend to think if they tried it they would probably enjoy it. We sometimes think mum seems to enjoy exerting her will and showing she isn't pleased by not doing something that she would probably enjoy if she did it. We had a friend who said she was happy being unhappy as long as people knew about it.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,412
Bedford
We had a friend who said she was happy being unhappy as long as people knew about it.
Yes Mum can be like that sometimes. When we used to go to the dementia cafes if she was in a good mood she would join in. If I talked too much to anyone else there, she would get grumpy, cross her arms and refuse to join in ‘as her knee hurt’
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,412
Bedford
I don't know if taste is affected but I was told that the semi-skimmed milk I had bought from the co-op was thin. I am sure it is indistinguishable from other milk.
Taste has certainly been affected for my Mum. Was it just that brand that is ‘thin’?
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,263
South East
Yes Mum can be like that sometimes. When we used to go to the dementia cafes if she was in a good mood she would join in. If I talked too much to anyone else there, she would get grumpy, cross her arms and refuse to join in ‘as her knee hurt’
You could of been describing my mum there too , she hasn’t always been like that though , only about the last 20 years , which we think is when the early signs of Dementia were showing (we didn’t twig then as my Nan was poorly ) . Glad you had a good visit on Monday. How is your back and oh ?