Morning everyone,
Spamar, I hope the aches, pains and itchy shoulder have eased for you now. Is the shoulder being sore and itchy related to the shingles? You poor thing - it's really taking an age for the effects of that to go - sending {{{{{hugs}}}}}}. Also sending best wishes for your friend - fingers crossed that the 'lump' is nothing to worry about and that all is OK xxx
love.dad.but , glad that you (and others) liked the photographs. I'm with you on the time 'flying by'
They keep me entertained for hours, and I find it so relaxing to watch them.
Slugsta, don't apologise, for heaven's sake! I am so appreciative for you sharing that link - it gave me a much clearer insight into what is happening with Mil, and is such a help, hun xxxxx
Thanks everyone for the good wishes for todays meet. However, it looks like 1-1 may no longer be on the table. I went to see her yesterday morning, and was met by staff who told me to 'prepare' myself, as she had gone downhill overnight. In her room, in bed, not wanting to get up, and very sleepy. One staff, bless her, expressed real concern that Mil hadn't even resisted personal care that morning, 'She didn't try to thump me even once', she said, clearly worried and seemingly upset by this.
As soon as I walked in the room, I could hear that her breathing was 'off' and even though I've said about how frail she looks and how her colour has changed over the last week, I was quite shocked by the difference in her, though for the life of me, I can't quite pin down what the change in her appearance was exactly. She opened her eyes, and smiled when she saw me, reached out her hand and when I took it, she raised my hand to her lips and kissed it - but it was clearly a huge effort for her. Two of the carers had accompanied me into the room, it was so touching how worried they were about her. I mentioned her breathing and both confirmed that they had thought the same - one said that she was going to fetch the nurse. I stroked Mil's head, she was quite cool, so even though there was a sort of 'gurgle' accompanying her breathing every few minutes, I honestly didn't think that there was any infection. The nurse agreed - all the obs were OK, but she said she was calling the GP anyway. She said if there was a chance of infection, then she wanted to make sure that Mil had ab's, but only to alleviate any discomfort that an infection might cause her. One of the staff came in with a drink for Mil, thickened - she told me that though Mil had said yes when offered food and drink, they felt she was having trouble swallowing, so they were trying her on thickened liquids. The only thing she had seemed comfortable with eating so far that day was one of the mousses I had brought in for her. She asked would I like to try Mil with a drink, but although Mil opened her mouth eagerly, after 3 or 4 spoonfuls, she was too exhausted for more.
OH was in work till lunchtime, so I couldn't contact him by phone - for obvious reasons, staff are not allowed to bring them into the prison, if we need to contact each other, it has to be via his work email, which he can check at fairly regular intervals. I emailed him, from my phone, saying no panic, but I thought he should come and see Mil asap, so not to say yes to any overtime (lots of requests for staff to do OT due to holiday cover at the moment, and he's been doing what he can). One of the staff brought an ice pop and suggested that maybe Mil might like to try that, and she actually roused enough to take the whole thing. But mainly, she had her eyes closed, no writhing, just very occasional 'spasms' and jerks, accompanied by soft moans, and quite a few coughing fits. She asked for her Mum again at one point and again I told her she could go to her Mum if she wanted to, that it was OK. Now and again she opened her eyes and pointed to the corner of the room, beyond the foot of her bed - that was quite odd.
I stayed for an hour and a half, before heading off to the shops to pick up some jellys and soft mousses for her, and then to head home so I could meet OH and we could go back to the CH together. When we got back the GP had been. No infection (though he had prescribed abs, again, I was told to make sure she wasn't in any discomfort) but the manager gently told us that the GP had felt that this was it, that we are talking only a matter of days at most. That wasn't a surprise, I think I knew the minute I'd seen her that morning. She said that she didn't feel that 1-1 was now appropriate, that Mil was beyond that now. I'd pretty much figured that out too. We sat with her for a couple of hours. She smiled when she saw OH, and held his hand for much of the time. She was also still doing the 'pointing' to the corner of the room, every so often. Staff said she had been offered pureed food at lunch, and had eaten 'some', and had also drank a tumbler of thickened milk. The staff were checking her every 10 -15 minutes, sometimes more often. it was so touching how often 2 staff, who actually didn't have Mil on their 'list' for the afternoon, were also popping in and out, just to see how she was. She had another ice pop, which she took quite eagerly again, but shortly after she finished it, she began coughing and was violently sick. Staff came flying, and I stayed in the room and helped to clean her up, simply because she was reaching out for me the whole time, obviously quite distressed. For the first time, I saw some agitation, and she hit out at the staff - but I honestly think that moving her caused some pain, and thats why, it wasn't just the 'aggression'. Once she was clean and comfy again, OH came back in and sat next to her again. She was actually a tiny bit more alert, and we got a few mostly unintelligle sentences from her, and then - completely out of the blue - she said quite clearly 'I won't be here long'. It sort of took mine and OH's breath away, especially when she then repeated the same thing a minute or two later.
Just before we left, Nurse M came in and told us gently that they were going to see what the next 24-48 hours brought, but that they didn't expect her to pick up this time, and that they would like to talk to me/us and place Mil on pathways. We said we were fine with that. I suspect that this afternoons review will mainly be about that now, actually.
I am so grateful that yesterday, she was so much calmer - I am hoping and praying that she remains calm, after everything she has been through, surely she deserves peace for the last part of her journey. I'm a little concerned about the jerks and spasms - I hate to think of her having any discomfort, and especially as moving her to clean her up seemed to be painful for her. I am going to ask the staff about morphine for her, ahead of todays meeting. I am also concerned about the vomiting causing her distress, but whilst she is indicating that she still wants food and drink, even if only a little, I don't know what they can do about that. She is already having regular medication to prevent sickness. I hope that our son gets to see her, this weeekend, because he really wants to. I am so relieved for her sake, and for OH's, that it looks like the end of her journey is close. We are sad, obviously - I just can't imagine my life, our lives, without Mil in it - but at the same time, we are glad, for her, if that makes sense?
I'll let you all know later about how the meeting goes. As always, thank you all for your kindness, and love to you all xxxxx