Please..if there is a god out there..

[Canadian Joanne]

Dear Gigi,
The chicken & leek pie sounds delicious - I have lots of chicken in the freezer so perhaps you can post your recipe.

I hope you enjoy your day and Eric settles a bit. Those unending questions are like Chinese water torture - they drive you completely mad.

 

[Lynne]

And Eric wants to go home...this place is ok for now but he thinks he'd be happier at home. Apart from anything else there must be a lot of post waiting for us...so he's asked me very politely if we can go tomorrow..

Am I being completely denseconfused or losing my memory/marbles eek or is Eric talking about 'going home' something relatively new for him?
I recall the thinking that he has to go to work etc. (perhaps the Going Home theme was just so commonplace - here - that you haven't mentioned it very often. )

Anyway, I hope you have a nice family day and a bit of relief by distraction from all those same-old same-old questions. And dinner sounds scrummy! ...

 

[susiesue]

Hi Gigi

Maybe Eric still thinks he is in respite - just a thought.

Hope you enjoyed your day.

Love

 

[muse]

Hi. I've just caught up with this thread again. My husband has lots of questions too. I can understand that he's anxious and can't answer them for himself but, I agree, it's relentless and drives you up the wall. From the moment I wake up in the morning until I go to work (late, because he has more questions and needs reassurances, then from the moment I get back until he goes to bed)... Just recently he refused to go to bed before 9pm but he tends to go to sleep on the chair (that's when I've been catching up on here). On Thursday night I couldn't stand it and decided to go and watch Madmen on TV. He woke up when I moved and wanted to go too. Then I found that for some reason it hadn't recorded, and we ended up watching Dad's Army. He enjoyed it very much, but I was disappointed.

He was told on Wednesday that he was going into respite care on Saturday (for the first time - and he thinks the only time this will be necessary because he's going to get better, and if I ever go on holiday again he will go to his oldest son in Guernsey!). So for the rest of the week, he had plenty of time to get more and more anxious and ask even more questions.

Gigi and Roseann - I hope you get things sorted soon and get some urgently needed rest and your lives back.

Love - Kathy

 

[Vonny]

Hi Gigi, hope the visit from your daughter and Lily brought you some well-deserved pleasure. And that the chicken and leek pie turned out well (though I can't eat chicken since I got my "girls", eggs is the most I can manage!)

I hope tomorrow sees Eric forgetting he wants to "go home" xxx

 

[Sam Iam]

Gigi sending you a (((((HUG ))))) XXX

 

[donkey]

gigi sendinglovely thoughts your way and hope you get a good night in xxx

 

[Bookworm]

Just catching up & sending a hug Gigi, xox

 

[gigi]

Thankyou for the hugs and lovely words

or is Eric talking about 'going home' something relatively new for him?

"Going home" has been mentioned before, Lynne, but it doesn't crop up very often. Yesterday was the first time Eric enlarged on it and expressed discontent with "this place". He's mentioned it again thismorning and wonders if we can't "go home" because our last house has been sold..and if that's the case he's not happy about it because he should have been consulted.

The food went down very well...

But Eric made it clear that he resented the intrusion..at least that's how it seems. Perhaps it was that he just wasn't able to engage ..even Lily struggled to communicate with him and gave up in the end. She talks very quickly and I suspect that Eric has problems now understanding her.
Eventually he closed his eyes and shut us all out.

He fell getting out of bed about 2.30 thismorning but was able to haul himself back onto his feet. And he's been up ever since.

Love xx

 

[Skye]

John was like that, gigi. I think in his case it was because he could only follow one-to-one converstions, and with several psople talking, he felt left out. Understandably.

Hope you have a good day.

Love,

 

[DeborahBlythe]

"Going home" has been mentioned before, Lynne, but it doesn't crop up very often. Yesterday was the first time Eric enlarged on it and expressed discontent with "this place". He's mentioned it again thismorning and wonders if we can't "go home" because our last house has been sold..and if that's the case he's not happy about it because he should have been consulted.

The food went down very well...

But Eric made it clear that he resented the intrusion..at least that's how it seems. Perhaps it was that he just wasn't able to engage ..even Lily struggled to communicate with him and gave up in the end. She talks very quickly and I suspect that Eric has problems now understanding her.
Eventually he closed his eyes and shut us all out.

He fell getting out of bed about 2.30 thismorning but was able to haul himself back onto his feet. And he's been up ever since.

Love xx

Hello Gigi, I'm glad Eric was able to get himself back up on his feet. What a worry.

My mum used to get very annoyed if I spoke to anyone else at her dining table when she was in one of her CHs. Very unlike her former self. I'm sorry Eric was feeling miffed.

I hope Lily doesn't give up trying to communicate with her grandpa. Maybe if she gave him some flowers next time or a cake. I wonder if she likes singing at all?

The day sounds as if it was 90% successful and I hope you at least enjoyed it, even if Eric was less than thrilled.
xx

 

[julieann15]

Hi Gigi
Sorry to read of the continuing problems with Eric. Just wanted to let you know that I took Erin in to see mum last week- as the lounge was full we sat for about 30 minutes "chatting" at the dining room table( a bit onesided but as she cannot remember anything she has done- I do try my best). I then went in to see the other ladies with Erin(they absolutely adore her and they are all smiles). Erin showed her doll to the ladies and I had a little light banter with a couple of the ladies. At this point in a loud voice mum piped up

"My visitors (Not Julie and Erin) prefer to talk to you than to visit me"
I was fuming as I had just spent 30 minutes with her on her own and it was as though I had only just walked in. She really is a green eyed monster when it comes to Erin

Hope you manage to get some rest Gigi?

Love Julie xx

 

[gigi]

There has been little rest today.

Eric has slept but he has been very confused when he's been awake..

At some point he drew my attention to a lady sitting in the chair opposite to him. I asked him to describe her..he told me she was completely naked... (It wasn't me..honestly!)

He has been talking at length about our "previous house"..which I now think is the house he lived in with his first wife...he remembers that it was behind where his mum and dad lived..and that one fits the bill.

Thisafternoon he was convinced that we have a game of golf arranged for tomorrow...(I don't play golf but his first wife did) He has reliably informed me more than once that he has 4 fingers and a thumb on each hand, and is now waiting for me to "find something nice that we can both watch on TV tonight".

Today he has left the tap running in his bathroom..another first.

He did hold a conversation with a friend on the phone for a couple of minutes..but cut it short by saying.."Anyway, dear, nice talking to you"...and passed the phone back to me.

Now we're into restless mode and as long as I sit out here he will search for me...

I'm off to do dinner..and find something "nice" for us both to watch....

Love xx

 

[connie]

It must be so hard for Eric with all his confusion. Real - in his world - but what world?

Exhausting for you as you try to 'answer his questions and accommodate his needs' yet without ever really understanding.

I can only pray for a peaceful evening for you both.
Sending love n'hugs.

 

[TinaT]

It must be so hard for you when his first marriage seems to be drifting in and out of his mind. One of the very upsetting traits that seem to happen is the mind wandering to long ago and especially when you were not a part of that long ago. It might help if you got photos out of your time together and chat about it.

I had just had a beautiful white kitchen fitted and you can imagine my distress when I went into the kitchen to find Ken had put the hot water tap on, overflowed the sink and put instant coffee into the water. Half disolved black coffe was pouring down my brand new kitchen units. I still have the stains on the white drawer fronts! Goodness knows what he thought he was doing.

Keep your chin up my love. I know how very stressful this time is for you.
xxTinaT

 

[gigi]

It's not hard for me to accept that Eric will dip in and out of his first marriage..because of what I've read on TP I have expected it. Just now it's not how I envisaged it might be..he doesn't seem to remember his first wife. I've somehow replaced her...in his mind at times I am that person.

It's hard for Eric too..I think his face is showing the stress of trying to make sense of his world these days.

From my viewpoint I know in my heart that this man who has given me so much is no longer the same man. It's me who has to cope.

If I detach from him (as I am doing) I may be able to continue caring for as long as it takes to find a suitable long term care home. And that is how I am coping.
Love and emotion are no longer part of our relationship. It's just not there with Eric...and I can't do a one-way relationship..so I have become his carer, not his wife.

And it does cause me grief. But I have to survive.

xx

 

[donkey]

gigi, i can relate to what you are saying love, all i feel now is that im a carer someone who sorts all the finances and there is never any reward at the end. what a pity the goverment wont pay us to do what has to be done i mean the going rate i will carry on caring untill i can no longer do it and no i have done my best you are managing brilliantly and i take my hat off to everyone. well i would if i had one

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Just now it's not how I envisaged it might be..he doesn't seem to remember his first wife. I've somehow replaced her...in his mind at times I am that person.

My mother did the same with my stepfather. She started attributing certain character traits of my father's to my stepfather, accusing the poor man of all sorts of things my dad had got up to. She didn't recognize my stepfather as being another, separate person.

 

[Vonny]

Dear Gigi, how sad that you've had to detach from Eric, but as you say, you have to survive. I felt like a nurse for my husband in the last months of his life and when I told him he said "but that's awful". I said yes, it was, but that was how it felt when he was bed-bound (except when he managed to get downstairs on his bottom and staggered around trying to find some booze, failing that some nurofen, failing that, Will's calpol )

I so hope that you find good long-term care soon. You must be at the end of your tether and I don't know how you keep going.

Take care xxx

 

[Nan2seven]

Dear Gigi,

This all sounds so very difficult and so very sad. You are so understanding of your situation and I admire you so much for coping as you do. When love and emotions are gone, the only survival strategy is distance. (I learned that when dealing with my mother.)

Thinking of you and sending love,

Nan XXX