One journey ends...

[maryw]

Dear Annie, as always, your posts are inspirational and, as Helen says, you have a gift of describing emotions so sensitively and with such insight. It is this gift that helps others on TP so much.

I loved to hear how you are preparing for Christmas and how you feel you owe the children. I just had to comment on how much you have already given them in the terms of showing your care and love. You have set such a fine example to them, which is a priceless lesson to learn in growing up. Take care and be kind to yourself too xx

 

[Dottie]

Dear Annie,

You are one very special lady & an inspiration & role model for me & so many others of us here on TP. Your Mum & Dad, I am sure, already know how special you are.

Take care of yourself & please stay in touch with us all,

With much love,

Dottie xx

 

[piedwarbler]

Please tell little Pied, that mummy's friend will be fine, and that she says a big hello!


I have a lot of making up to do, ...

I'll tell her - thanks!

As for having to make up to your family - I don't think your family could have a better, more loving mum and wife so I don't see any making up to be done. Don't feel you have to make up for being sad, or for showing your emotions. When you show your children that it is ok to be sad and to cry, because you love someone, and are worried about them, you are teaching them a very important lesson in this buttoned up stiff upper lip culture that we live in!

Well, that's my view anyway.

Your grotto in the garden sounds amazing!

I'm going to try and make a Christmas cake this week.

xxxx

 

[florence43]

Well, good luck with the cake! My sister just made hers (yesterday) and dropped it in a full sink of washing up water...

Oddly, I'm sticking to the M&S Yule Log at hers, this Christmas!

Thank you all for adding to my thread, because I can't tell you how much your words keep me going. On the outside, I'm fairly normal, but on the inside I'm beginning to realise that it's only so I can ignore the enormity of my loss.

I think it'll eek its way out slowly... I seem to have a little toot, here and there, now and then. I said to my husband earlier that if we could all be allowed to sob, like I did at mum's funeral, every day for a month...it would all come out much quicker. I'd be a wreck and nobody would want to spend time with me...but the elephant in the room would disappear and people could stop walking on eggshells around me. I can almost hear the cracking of the shells...

However, t'aint like that, so the occasional toot, in bed at night, emptying the dishwasher, listening to the radio...that's how it'll come out. Just might take some time.

Still...time is something I now have, so bring it on... I'm happy to cry, because it feels worse not to some days... xxx

 

[elaine n]

Annie, you're an inspiration to us all. I'm not far behind you on our bloody awful journey but reading your posts gives me hope for the future. much love, xxxxxe

 

[Grannie G]

It`s good to let the tears flow Annie, instead of them building up inside you.

Sorry people are walking on eggshells around you. One day we will be able to be more open about loss and allow the bereaved to talk.
I admit it`s only since I`ve been on TP I feel able to face death and to talk about those who have left us.

 

[piedwarbler]

Annie, you're an inspiration to us all. I'm not far behind you on our bloody awful journey but reading your posts gives me hope for the future. much love, xxxxxe

So much love to you both. I know exactly what you mean, Elaine. TP is helping us all isn't it.
The trouble with tears is that they don't always come to order, do they? Sometimes they come at the checkout in Sainsburys! Not ideal!! But I firmly believe it does children no harm to see Mummy cry. Children know when you are hiding your tears. They sense how you are. They may imagine something worse if you don't explain to them why you're tearful.
Maybe think about making a memory book or box with them about their gran and grandad - when you feel a bit stronger- so you have a focus for talking to them and can give them something for the future? My kids have a lock of grandma's hair each, in their keepsake boxes, and a gold cross each, and Son has the tape of his prayer from her funeral. I know he keeps them safe.
Don't feel you are upsetting people by crying. I think people feel more helpless when people hide their feelings, it's hard to know how to help people if they don't show how they feel.
Take it easy on yourself. Take time. You are an inspiration. Xxxx

 

[maryw]

It`s good to let the tears flow Annie, instead of them building up inside you.

Sorry people are walking on eggshells around you. One day we will be able to be more open about loss and allow the bereaved to talk.
I admit it`s only since I`ve been on TP I feel able to face death and to talk about those who have left us.

Dear Annie, I agree totally with Sylvia's comment. So many of my friends assumed the funeral was "closure" when in fact it was just the beginning of grief. And when I tried to chat about it to one friend she said "my turn to offload next time" !!! This is where TP is invaluable because you "meet" people who have had similar stories and "understand". I am so immensely grateful to TP for letting me "offload" and work through all the minutiae of grief. Sometimes it takes ages to make sense of 1 single incident, and you need this release and understanding to move forward. Nearly 3 years on, I focus on the warm memories of my Mum and always feel her close to me. It's just a veil that separates us.

You may notice too how you get to know your Mum more after she has died! I found out all sorts of snippets about my Mum from her friends!! And it helped me understand her.

I agree with Pied that it is good to let children see your grief. Didn't the Victorians take their children to cemeteries to spend Sunday afternoons with their "lost" ones?!! They were also much more used to death as medicine wasn't what it is today.

Take care xx

 

[Helen33]

Morning Annie,

I think Pied is right about children experiencing all emotions and being enabled to have them all and know that it is alright They can then learn all about feelings and learn how to channel some of them that can be more difficult to actually 'feel'.

Regarding people walking on eggshells around you - I wonder whether that in itself is part of the loss. I felt this very much - even on TP - and I am now wondering whether it is because there has been a massive 'disconnection' (of the person who has died) and we desperately need to feel 'connection'. The people around us are not able to give us that 'connectedness' that we so desperately need to feel. That connectedness is about missing the one that has gone although it doesn't seem like it at the time.!!?? I don't know myself really, but I do know that I have struggled with a similar thing since Alan died. I don't have this feeling now and that is not because the people around me have changed in that they no longer walk on eggshells but rather because I have changed and no longer feel such a massive disconnection. I feel reconnected to myself and other people and it is truly wonderful.

Love to you and yours

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Good morning Annie. Nothing wise to say, just want you to know you are thought about and wished a peaceful week. Love and hugs.