struggling to cope with mum am I letting her down

[overwhelmed79]

Hi, I have been reading posts on this forum for a few weeks now trying to make sense of things that resonate with our circumstances, but today am taking the plunge because I feel completely out of my depth and any advice would be much appreciated.
As a family we've had concerns about mum getting confused, forgetting things, losing things, etc for the last couple of years, twice I attended mum's gp's with her to highlight concerns, mum flat out refused to go for an MRI, or to attend memory clinic, and the GP explained that because mum was living independently and working, there wasn't much he could do. Fast forward to 9 weeks ago, I received a phone call from hospital, saying mum was found out of hours where she works, with a severe head trauma, she was rushed to another hospital for emergency surgery on a subdural hematoma, thankfully mum is on the mend and has been home from hospital 2 weeks tomorrow, but....
Since mum's accident, her memory decline has been exacerbated, (understandably) the hospital had arranged for carers to visit 3 times a day, requested I stay at mums for 6 weeks to help with mum's rehabilitation, and ensure mum has no more falls, accidents, had door buzzers fitted and pendant arranged. And a dosset box for her meds etc. 3 days after carers visiting mum had an assessment in which she insisted she can get herself washed and dressed, cook herself meals, take her own meds and that anything she couldn't do myself and my husband would do for her, (even though my husband has COPD /stage 3 emphysema and I'm his full time carer) and they were happy with that arrangement. Last Saturday mum had a full meltdown insisting her front door key be kept in the front door, which was fine until mum got up at 6 in the morning and went wandering locking myself and husband in her bungalow with the spare key in the lock box outside, so husband squeezed himself out of the window so we could both go out searching for her, me scouring all routes she'd normally take her dog walking on the hubster drove all round town searching, we rang the police worried sick, imagining all sorts, police called us back saying they'd already received a complaint, that mum was in a safe place, and not to worry. I didn't know if mum had eaten she hadn't taken her meds, We were both worried sick about mum, and all the while mum was sat in her next door neighbours, who had called the police claiming I was holding mum prisoner, not looking after her properly, trying to take over her property and have her removed, which is ridiculous and so hurtful, I made a call to adult services emergency line, to make them aware, but everything is a constant battle of wills, mum hides her phone, chargers, glasses, keys, cards,
We found several bags under mum's bed of neatly folded soiled tissues, she refuses to wash or bathe, she's feeding her dog in her bedroom, hiding tins of food both new and opened as well as the food bowls, we've managed to clear and decorate mum's front room and front bedroom while mum was in hospital, and replaced the flooring to lower risks of trips and falls but the rest of mums home is a hoarding nightmare, there were butter tubs and meat kept in cupboards in the kitchen because the fridge was full, some cans dating back 8-10 years out of date, mum is in a housing association property (used to be council) and has refused to have any modernisation done in the 30years she's lived there in case they put her rent up, i have rang mums housing association, who are sending out a surveyer, for a new kitchen and bathroom as both are beyond repair, but because I'm trying to get everything sorted so mums safe, mum just seems to resent me more. I didn't have the best childhood, there was abuse from mum and mum has told several family members how 'evil' I am before all this happened, but then if anybody has an opinion that isn't the same as mum's, then to her mind shes right and everyone else is wrong. Mum's brother had advised that long term a care home would be the best solution, purely because of how she can be, but I feel like there's too much of mum left to do that to her, and I don't think she'd ever forgive me, but our current situation isn't helping any of us, I love her so much but just feel like no matter what i say or do will ever be good enough any advice would be much appreciated x

 

[Kevinl]

Please never think that when you post on here it goes unread, but all I can think of is to say thank you, so ery much. It isn't easy. K

 

[overwhelmed79]

Please never think that when you post on here it goes unread, but all I can think of is to say thank you, so ery much. It isn't easy. K

Thanks Kevin sorry about the length of post, feels like I could go on and on, I knew it would be tough my mum in law had Alzheimer's but she was so lovely and welcomed all help, she was a sweetheart, but this current situation feels impossible especially with my mum's refusal to accept anything is wrong and the whole family is making it all up "to get her sent to a nuthouse /asylum/ loony bin" all mums delightful ways of putting it, have tried to explain it's not like that any more, that those sort of statements are so hurtful especially to my husband, who watched his own mum fade away in front of him, x

 

[My Mum's Daughter]

You were all let down when the hospital requested that you stay with your Mum for 6 weeks. I do appreciate that she's your Mum but she's not your responsibility and you shouldn't be helping with mum's rehabilitation or ensuring that she has no more falls, accidents. As the hospital recognised that she needed this level of care, she should have been sent to either a community hospital or been given a short term assessment period in a care home but sending her home to you is the cheaper option. You've all been badly let down

Forget the new kitchen and bathroom, the disruption would probably be far too much for your Mum and now that she's wandering, it's going to take a lot more than refurbishment to keep her safe.

Suggest that you call Social services first thing, explain what has happened and tell them that you're going home.

 

[canary]

Oh my goodness, @overwhelmed79 , you have been dropped into the deep end here, havent you. It sounds like she was displaying symptoms of dementia before the head injury, but now all the things you have described - from the hoarding and hiding of things, through the delusions of you keeping her prisoner and wanting to take over her property, to the walking out of the house at unsociable times (and maybe getting lost); all of these things are classic mid-stage dementia behaviours. She may improve as she recovers from the head injury, but my gut feeling is that it wont be by much. I found this the hardest stage with mum as she refused everything I tried to do fer her to keep her safe at home, but it just felt like she was constantly shooting herself in her foot

The biggest problem is the loss of self insight - a common, but little talked about symptom of dementia called anosognosia. This means that she genuinely is unable to see her own symptoms/behaviours, thinks that she has not changed at all and that not only is she able to do everything, but that she is actually still doing it. She will be aware that Something is not right because everything is getting confusing and nothing is working out the way she expects, but she is unable to understand that this Something is her - so she thinks it is you causing it all. People who have anosognosia will never be able to accept that they have dementia and they are also certain that they are always right. It is no use trying to reason with them or trying to convince them that they are wrong, because they know they are right

Im glad that you have contacted SS about this. Keep on at them
Write or email her GP explaining what is happening (much as you have here) so that the GP knows what is going on and its in her records.
Surreptitiously cut yourself another key so that you never get locked in again
Fill in the Herbert Protocol form for the local police in case she goes missing again.
TBH, I think that ultimately her brother is right - she will probably need a care home

 

[overwhelmed79]

You were all let down when the hospital requested that you stay with your Mum for 6 weeks. I do appreciate that she's your Mum but she's not your responsibility and you shouldn't be helping with mum's rehabilitation or ensuring that she has no more falls, accidents. As the hospital recognised that she needed this level of care, she should have been sent to either a community hospital or been given a short term assessment period in a care home but sending her home to you is the cheaper option. You've all been badly let down

Forget the new kitchen and bathroom, the disruption would probably be far too much for your Mum and now that she's wandering, it's going to take a lot more than refurbishment to keep her safe.

Suggest that you call Social services first thing, explain what has happened and tell them that you're going home.

Thanks so much for your response, it does feel a lot like we've been chucked in at the deep end, with several consultants alluding to mums dementia, but there was no memory clinic at the hospital and nobody was willing to give the diagnosis, instead it was referred to by one nurse and my mum was 'presenting with dementia -like symptoms' since mum has been home I have rang mums GP, and quoted the best interests policy (as advised by ss) which has led to blood tests but feel that a formal diagnosis may take some time. An assessment would have been perfect as we would all know how best to proceed, at the moment we're basically winging it day by day.
Mum has always been fiercely independent but honestly the thought of leaving her alone to get on with it just horrified me, I'd never forgive myself if something else happened to her, I blamed myself enough for this happening, if I'd just visited the night before to check in on mum.
Several kitchen doors were only hanging on the bottom hinge, and were at risk of falling on mum's head, the wood is rotten the bath is cracked, and sink taps seized, I was hoping it might get done before mum come home, but sadly we're still waiting to hear back.
I was given emergency counselling through 111 option 2 last Thursday which was an hour and a half in a room, with a therapist, which tbh felt amazing to just vent everything, without being told I'm wrong, without being spoken over, without the "my way or no way" attitude from mum, and that's been my only break, and the therapist has offered to email social services on my behalf for safeguarding reasons, and spoken to my housing officer today who is going to do the same as she shares the same concerns. Sadly mum's only other family her brother and sister in law live 100 miles away, so there's nobody to share the responsibility with x

 

[My Mum's Daughter]

"Mum has always been fiercely independent but honestly the thought of leaving her alone to get on with it just horrified me, I'd never forgive myself if something else happened to her, I blamed myself enough for this happening, if I'd just visited the night before to check in on mum." Please don't blame yourself, your Mum had refused help and was still working so there was no reason to check on her every move. This is NOT your fault.
Here's what should have happened on her discharge and you will find NO reference to "move her daughter in for 6 weeks". Mum went on pathway 3 as she needed 24 hour care and I refused to move in with her. I think your Mum was put on a one but should have been on two.

Hospital discharge and community support guidance

www.gov.uk

By going home, you'd be passing the baton back to social services so you'd need to make it clear that if anything happened to her, you would hold then responsible. She's vulnerable and her wandering is a safeguarding issue. Now ask yourself, when you were locked in, if there was a fire, would your husband have had time to find the window, climb through it and rescue you? This is also safeguarding and you are also important as is your husband.

Your Mum's brother is a wise man.

 

[Infinite]

You are amazing with all you have endured already all posts say same you have been left to cope with a situation nobody should have been left with .be assured get any solution now offered insist you are important too & have done enough it's hard but you have to let others take responsibility now it time

 

[overwhelmed79]

Oh my goodness, @overwhelmed79 , you have been dropped into the deep end here, havent you. It sounds like she was displaying symptoms of dementia before the head injury, but now all the things you have described - from the hoarding and hiding of things, through the delusions of you keeping her prisoner and wanting to take over her property, to the walking out of the house at unsociable times (and maybe getting lost); all of these things are classic mid-stage dementia behaviours. She may improve as she recovers from the head injury, but my gut feeling is that it wont be by much. I found this the hardest stage with mum as she refused everything I tried to do fer her to keep her safe at home, but it just felt like she was constantly shooting herself in her foot

The biggest problem is the loss of self insight - a common, but little talked about symptom of dementia called anosognosia. This means that she genuinely is unable to see her own symptoms/behaviours, thinks that she has not changed at all and that not only is she able to do everything, but that she is actually still doing it. She will be aware that Something is not right because everything is getting confusing and nothing is working out the way she expects, but she is unable to understand that this Something is her - so she thinks it is you causing it all. People who have anosognosia will never be able to accept that they have dementia and they are also certain that they are always right. It is no use trying to reason with them or trying to convince them that they are wrong, because they know they are right

Im glad that you have contacted SS about this. Keep on at them
Write or email her GP explaining what is happening (much as you have here) so that the GP knows what is going on and its in her records.
Surreptitiously cut yourself another key so that you never get locked in again
Fill in the Herbert Protocol form for the local police in case she goes missing again.
TBH, I think that ultimately her brother is right - she will probably need a care home

Hi Canary thanks so much for your response yes definitely chucked in the deep end, I feel so mean slating mum, when mum was in surgery I was praying she'd make it through, visited every day at first then every other day all through her long stay in 3 hospitals, taking her clean clothes in and sorting her washing, making sure she had everything she needed, as you do, as well as trying to sort her home as best I could, my uncle and aunt were amazing, throughout and helped as much as they could any way they could, after one of my visits with mum my uncle called and apologised, as he'd had words with mum after she slated me for taking in dirty clothes or leaving her without, when he knew it wasn't true, and point out to mum all the things I'd done to try to help, and become quite abrupt with mum, because she wasn't being fair.
It was my husband who noticed red flags early on with my mum, and I had a classic case of denial that was a couple of years ago, but then came tearful phone calls from mum because she'd had a letter from the council and she was going to be homeless (she wasn't they wanted her to complete a form to confirm there had been no change of circumstances).
The neighbours were trying to get her out because her garden was a mess (again not the case just a request to keep her garden tidy as per tenancy requirements. And a few other instances.
The discharge nurse has said this is mum's new base line and any improvement is unlikely, I can completely relate shooting herself in the foot is daily with mum, it's reassuring to know that all mums quirks aren't that out of the ordinary, but I'm so sorry you've had to go through similar stuff too ❤️
I haven't heard of anosognosia before but did a bit of reading about lack of insight, and yes mum is adamant she knows her mind and her body better than anyone else, she's become very much "I want, I need" woah betide anyone else needing to do anything, the easiest way to appease mum is to just give in, before it escalates into mum chucking things across the room, throwing her dinner on the floor, and yes a couple of times stamping her feet.
Thanks for suggesting a letter to the Gp's I hadn't thought of that I was writing a journal on 'happenings' as and when, yes last Monday we did get another key cut and removed chains and bolts from the front door, I haven't heard of the Herbert protocol form before but will definitely be looking into that tomorrow.
I do agree Canary, I just really wanted to give mum the best opportunity to stay in her own home as long as possible, but all the time this continues it's getting worse, and am beginning to wonder if being here is adding to what has already been a traumatic time for her x

 

[lynnefisher]

Hi, I have been reading posts on this forum for a few weeks now trying to make sense of things that resonate with our circumstances, but today am taking the plunge because I feel completely out of my depth and any advice would be much appreciated.
As a family we've had concerns about mum getting confused, forgetting things, losing things, etc for the last couple of years, twice I attended mum's gp's with her to highlight concerns, mum flat out refused to go for an MRI, or to attend memory clinic, and the GP explained that because mum was living independently and working, there wasn't much he could do. Fast forward to 9 weeks ago, I received a phone call from hospital, saying mum was found out of hours where she works, with a severe head trauma, she was rushed to another hospital for emergency surgery on a subdural hematoma, thankfully mum is on the mend and has been home from hospital 2 weeks tomorrow, but....
Since mum's accident, her memory decline has been exacerbated, (understandably) the hospital had arranged for carers to visit 3 times a day, requested I stay at mums for 6 weeks to help with mum's rehabilitation, and ensure mum has no more falls, accidents, had door buzzers fitted and pendant arranged. And a dosset box for her meds etc. 3 days after carers visiting mum had an assessment in which she insisted she can get herself washed and dressed, cook herself meals, take her own meds and that anything she couldn't do myself and my husband would do for her, (even though my husband has COPD /stage 3 emphysema and I'm his full time carer) and they were happy with that arrangement. Last Saturday mum had a full meltdown insisting her front door key be kept in the front door, which was fine until mum got up at 6 in the morning and went wandering locking myself and husband in her bungalow with the spare key in the lock box outside, so husband squeezed himself out of the window so we could both go out searching for her, me scouring all routes she'd normally take her dog walking on the hubster drove all round town searching, we rang the police worried sick, imagining all sorts, police called us back saying they'd already received a complaint, that mum was in a safe place, and not to worry. I didn't know if mum had eaten she hadn't taken her meds, We were both worried sick about mum, and all the while mum was sat in her next door neighbours, who had called the police claiming I was holding mum prisoner, not looking after her properly, trying to take over her property and have her removed, which is ridiculous and so hurtful, I made a call to adult services emergency line, to make them aware, but everything is a constant battle of wills, mum hides her phone, chargers, glasses, keys, cards,
We found several bags under mum's bed of neatly folded soiled tissues, she refuses to wash or bathe, she's feeding her dog in her bedroom, hiding tins of food both new and opened as well as the food bowls, we've managed to clear and decorate mum's front room and front bedroom while mum was in hospital, and replaced the flooring to lower risks of trips and falls but the rest of mums home is a hoarding nightmare, there were butter tubs and meat kept in cupboards in the kitchen because the fridge was full, some cans dating back 8-10 years out of date, mum is in a housing association property (used to be council) and has refused to have any modernisation done in the 30years she's lived there in case they put her rent up, i have rang mums housing association, who are sending out a surveyer, for a new kitchen and bathroom as both are beyond repair, but because I'm trying to get everything sorted so mums safe, mum just seems to resent me more. I didn't have the best childhood, there was abuse from mum and mum has told several family members how 'evil' I am before all this happened, but then if anybody has an opinion that isn't the same as mum's, then to her mind shes right and everyone else is wrong. Mum's brother had advised that long term a care home would be the best solution, purely because of how she can be, but I feel like there's too much of mum left to do that to her, and I don't think she'd ever forgive me, but our current situation isn't helping any of us, I love her so much but just feel like no matter what i say or do will ever be good enough any advice would be much appreciated x

You and your husband sound so resilient under extremely challenging circumstances... I can't give any advice and I'm very new here but it sounds like you need to look after yourselves by finding a different kind of care for your mum. Very best wishes to you.

 

[Alisongs]

"hospital had arranged for carers to visit 3 times a day, requested I stay at mums for 6 weeks to help with mum's rehabilitation, and ensure mum has no more falls, accidents, had door buzzers fitted and pendant arranged. And a dosset box for her meds etc.......... anything she couldn't do myself and my husband would do for her, (even though my husband has COPD /stage 3 emphysema and I'm his full time carer) and they were happy with that arrangement.....

So awful for you. I've cut down your post to two huge recurring problem areas. Hospitals have a habit of dragooning families into taking on care and et ceteras that Social Services are legally obliged to provide.
Your mum is an independent adult at risk, and her care is legally the responsibility of Social Services. Not you.
Hospitals "request" because they know the above but want the old person out of the bed they're 'blocking' . And the Law is the A cannot compel B to take care of C.
They, knowing this, and you not knowing, then asked a known vulnerable old person who will take care of them, betting that Mum wouldn't know that she was the legal responsibility of Social Services.
Mum nominated you and your husband without the facts and circumstances.
To quote the Boomtown Rats " It's a rat trap. And you've been conned".
Given that you are full time carer you should have an immediate Carer's Assessment by Social Services.
I doubt they'd let you carry the double whammy. They have a lot of things they can and will do, that the hospital asked you to do. No wonder the hospital were happy. Please get Social Services involved ASAP. Do what you can and want to do. Not what you've been manoeuvred into doing.
If you read the posts on this Forum, you'll find many similar stories. My sister was similarly treated when our mum came out of hospital having been asked who would care for her. Social Services were never involved.
I slowly became full time carer for my OH who had 3 complex conflicting problems and everywhere I turned to for help would say they could only deal with one problem and say better go to X instead, who said the same and so on until I ended up with burnout, couldn't deal with his problems and got husband into hospital as I thought he'd be better off. (He wasn't but that's another story.) Because I loudly, firmly and clearly relinquished caring to the hospital, I finally had time to find out my rights and started getting help and support and referrals, so OH was discharged with a care package to support me!
Police and charities and local councils have all sorts of support schemes. It takes time you probably haven't got, but get Social Services involved and you'll get some time freed up for research

 

[canary]

she's become very much "I want, I need" woah betide anyone else needing to do anything, the easiest way to appease mum is to just give in, before it escalates into mum chucking things across the room, throwing her dinner on the floor, and yes a couple of times stamping her feet.

Yes, this is very difficult to manage
She has lost the ability to see things from any other view point than her own and her world has narrowed so that all she can see are her own wants, needs and comforts. She wants something and she wants it NOW!

A few things that may help:
Defer what she she wants - you can do it..... tomorrow/when the weather improves/when she is "better"/when the doctor says.......
Distract her as soon as you see the conversation or behaviour going in a direction that will be difficult. Change the subject, offer her tea and cake, ask for her help to do "something important". You have to be quick though, because once the thought blossoms it is difficult to derail it
Use "love lies" (aka therapeutic untruths) to come up with an answer to her questions, or a reason why she cant do what she wants, that she will accept even if the reason may not be actually true...... This is hard to do as telling our loved one lies doesnt sit well with us. The trouble is that she wont accept your honesty and the only way to bridge this gap between her perception of the world and actually reality is by entering their world and using love lies
Dont use the word "no". Saying "no" to my OH was like a red rag to a bull and someone suggested this technique to me. You start the sentence with the word "yes", but this doesnt mean that you allow them to do whatever they want. You start with "yes", but then qualify it so that you are actually saying no.
eg -
yes, we can do that tomorrow
yes, that would be nice, but [insert love lie here]
yes, the doctor said you mustnt do that
yes, doing that is dangerous

All of this takes a fair bit of practice and is hard to do off the cuff, especially when you are tired, stressed and cant think quickly enough, but I found that when I did it it mostly worked. When nothing else works, walk out of the room. Go to the loo, make a cup of tea, do some gardening.....

And do keep on at Social Services

 

[Calon Lan]

Hi @overwhelmed79

I am so sorry you are facing such a difficult situation. I can’t really add much to all the good advice from others, but just to say I agree with those who have said that you have been failed by the system.

You should never have been asked to stay at your mum’s for 6 weeks to help with her rehabilitation. That isn’t really what has been requested. Professionals have asked you to look after your mum when she has symptoms indicating that she very probably has a serious illness causing major changes to her behaviour. Carers like yourself have enough problems dealing with guilt without professionals asking them to provide a level of support which will clearly be incredibly difficult. The people involved really needed to carefully consider the health and well-being of you and your husband in all of this. It seems as though that didn’t happen at all.

I looked after my mum who has Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia for nearly three years in her own home. My experience with social services was not good. I had to push them very hard for a very long time. I was sent round in circles. The approach they took worsened my feelings of guilt. I suspect this was more clumsy than intentional. Eventually I did what @My Mum's Daughter suggests above. I gave social services a date one month in the future and said I would be leaving my mum’s house then. It was very hard to do that, and to be honest I wouldn’t have done it, but it did get action from social services.

As others have said, keep pressing social services to help you. It’s hard, but keep reminding yourself you have done nothing wrong. Your mum is not well and that is not your fault. There are always people here to listen and to provide advice based on their own experience as carers.

Take care.

 

[overwhelmed79]

"Mum has always been fiercely independent but honestly the thought of leaving her alone to get on with it just horrified me, I'd never forgive myself if something else happened to her, I blamed myself enough for this happening, if I'd just visited the night before to check in on mum." Please don't blame yourself, your Mum had refused help and was still working so there was no reason to check on her every move. This is NOT your fault.
Here's what should have happened on her discharge and you will find NO reference to "move her daughter in for 6 weeks". Mum went on pathway 3 as she needed 24 hour care and I refused to move in with her. I think your Mum was put on a one but should have been on two.



By going home, you'd be passing the baton back to social services so you'd need to make it clear that if anything happened to her, you would hold then responsible. She's vulnerable and her wandering is a safeguarding issue. Now ask yourself, when you were locked in, if there was a fire, would your husband have had time to find the window, climb through it and rescue you? This is also safeguarding and you are also important as is your husband.

Your Mum's brother is a wise man.

My uncle said pretty much the same, when mum first had her accident, and when mum went missing, and not to dare waste my time on guilt and self punishment, that I was trying my best, and he hadn't realised just how poorly mum was, before all this, thanks for the link, very interesting read, and will be making notes before ringing ss. That was my first reaction when mum was home and safe, mum has the windows that half open sideways, it was a squeeze for hubster, There's no way I could have got out, in an emergency, if one of us had been injured emergency services couldn't get in, friday i was diagnosed with exacerbated asthma, which could be down to stress, dust mites, mold spores, the heat wave, pollen, given 2 inhalers and prednisolone, as well as chest x-ray friday, and blood tests tomorrow, to rule out anything more sinister, and had a 2 hour search for my inhalers, which I found under mums wardrobe, after asking mum why she'd do such a thing, and explaining how dangerous that could have been, mum explained "you keep my pills away from me, I'll do the same to you"
This came about because mum had pills stashed everywhere, just blister packs no packets, paracetamols, ibuprofens tramadols, prescription pills she hadn't taken / 2 carrier bags full, these have been placed in the car, awaiting a trip to the chemist to dispose of them safely, mums default statements are "I wish I'd died rather than this, I'd be better off dead, I have no life now, this is no life" between the pills and broken glass shards hidden everywhere from picture frames, it's all about trying to keep her from doing herself harm. And my meds are now kept on me at all times.
It's funny but a year ago I thought me and mums brother would never be on talking terms again, due to upsets caused by mum telling me one thing and him another and basically playing us off against each other. It's when the doc in the first hospital sat me down in a quiet room to have the DNR chat with me, that I knew I had to tell him and include him in any decisions, he and my aunt were at the hospital 4 hours later, and since mum's staying in hospital he has seen for himself the decline in mum, they've both been awesome, and so glad we've cleared the air and are finally on the same page x

 

[overwhelmed79]

You are amazing with all you have endured already all posts say same you have been left to cope with a situation nobody should have been left with .be assured get any solution now offered insist you are important too & have done enough it's hard but you have to let others take responsibility now it time

Hi Infinite, thanks so much, it feels a lot like keeping multiple plates spinning simultaneously, and the constant balance between encouraging mum to do all she can for herself, but never being too far away in case I need to step in, yes things may take longer, things may be done in a way that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but, it's a lot easier than arguing about every single little thing. I know I'm out of my depth, have so much new found respect for carers who have struggled for years, when here's me whining after only 2 weeks x

 

[overwhelmed79]

You and your husband sound so resilient under extremely challenging circumstances... I can't give any advice and I'm very new here but it sounds like you need to look after yourselves by finding a different kind of care for your mum. Very best wishes to you.

Hi Lynne, thank you, deep down I know it, it's just the guilt, which mentally I'm trying to tell myself mum would be safer with professional care 24/7, it would reduce the resentment mum feels towards me for "taking control" we could go back to being mum and daughter not prisoner and jailer which is just not healthy, x