Nursing homes

[Aisling]

I think it's quite common for depression to go along with Alzheimer's. My husband was on antidepressants from when he was diagnosed in 2001 until he died in July. In the early days depression was quite a big problem with him. I think because he understood his diagnosis at that time. It took a while to get his medication for it right.

Thank you Izzy. Sounds awful but it helps me to understand the depression.

Aisling xx

 

[Aisling]

My dads depression has been alongside his mixed dem right through, he takes antidepressants , anti-psychotics and dementia/alz meds.

Thank you Kjn.

Aisling xx

 

[Aisling]

Hello Aisling, my husband has been on Sertraline for 2yrs, he is now on the highest dose, he still cries alot, the staff say he misses me, when l am not there he's looking for me. When l am with him he wanders off looking for me. Other residents cry alot as well, they get flash backs of their former life, then they get upset. The only release is death. Sad but very true.

Thank you Pamann. It is awful for you too. No one really knows what is happening in the mind of person with Aly. From my experience I know that OH can be upset by visitors who want to ask questions and insist that he should know answers. He can also be upset by sad news about people. The one thing I know is that it is important to enter into their world with calmness and encouragement. There will be special moments for you too PG and they can appear out of the blue! I have a memory book for OH and we spend time chatting about it.

Loads of support,

Aisling

 

[Aisling]

Dear Aisling,

I sat and read this whole thread yesterday evening, completely engrossed and finished it at 11pm, just as my iPad was running out of charge. I am in the process of helping my mum find a care home for my lovely Dad as she can no longer cope with his increasingly erratic outbursts and agitation, and your thread had me gripped but also in tears for you. You sound so lovely and caring, but I completely feel for your heartbreak and worry my mum will be the same when we find a home for Dad. I am so torn about the situation but support my mum 100%. If only we could find a way to stop him from suddenly getting up and deciding to leave his home, as there is no reasoning or distracting him and he becomes very angry and aggressive towards my mum and I have to rush round on an almost daily basis to help her. We also think Dad is quite depressed at times, although he is on sertraline, he becomes quite tearful at time , but also can be quite euphoric at times.We worry he will not settle in a home and get upset and aggressive in there. You appear to have found a lovely home for your husband but you still have so much anguish and grief to deal with. Everyone on here is so lovely and supportive that it's lovely they give you so much comfort. It's a shame your neighbours and family are less than helpful. I feel comforted that my mum has me and my family supporting her, but I fear she will feel terribly guilty as well, as will I.
You are a wonderful lady and I wish you some peace and happiness if that is at all possible, oh and a virtual hug from me xxx

Thank you for taking the time to read my thread. The one emotion I don't feel is guilt now TG. My OH got to the point of needing full time nursing care. When he gave me POA years ago he trusted me to make decisions for him. Full time care is not an easy decision but medical professionals will guide you and you and your Mum will make the most heartbreaking loving decisions for your Dad.

Your Mum is blessed to have you and am sure she knows that too.

It is an awful disease and I despair sometimes at lack of support, information and guidance for carers. This is a progressive illness and like other illnesses need to be treated as such. Why are carers almost encouraged to feel guilty or allowed to feel guilty? There is no guilt involved in getting the best care for someone. The health depts don't seem to realise that eventually carers may breakdown and then they will have many more problems on their hands. It suits them to let carers carry on and on......

Could your Dad get some respite care in Nursing home as this will give your Mum and you breathing space and you will be better informed?

Please forgive me when I suggest that your Dad needs full time care. Yes your Mum will be upset. But what will happen if your Mum gets ill?

I told the NH everything about OH. It is not Dementia specific but staff are highly trained in dealing with patients with Dementia.

Get as much info as you can re Nursing homes. Visit them too. From my experience it was a long painful process and with hindsight it could have been made easier for me. I was determined that OH would get the best possible care and TG it has worked out for him.

My emotional upheaval is understandable but I know that I have made the best possible decisions. Yes he can have difficult days but surely a NH have the necessary skills to cope.? Apparently some don't! So the searching continues.

Yes your Mum will have a difficult emotional time but she has you to support her. This in my opinion is invaluable.

Please refuse to feel guilty. If someone needs to be in hospital with a different illness, should we feel guilty??

I hope everything works out well for you PG.

Loads of support,

Aisling.

Ps. Essex is beautiful. In another life I worked in Romford and have such great memories.

 

[HillyBilly]

Hi Aisling.
Hope you're OK this evening. We have a beautiful clear starlit night down here. It's fresh that's for sure! xxx

 

[Kjn]

Same here HB , tad parky out there

 

[70smand]

Thank you for taking the time to read my thread. The one emotion I don't feel is guilt now TG. My OH got to the point of needing full time nursing care. When he gave me POA years ago he trusted me to make decisions for him. Full time care is not an easy decision but medical professionals will guide you and you and your Mum will make the most heartbreaking loving decisions for your Dad.

Your Mum is blessed to have you and am sure she knows that too.

It is an awful disease and I despair sometimes at lack of support, information and guidance for carers. This is a progressive illness and like other illnesses need to be treated as such. Why are carers almost encouraged to feel guilty or allowed to feel guilty? There is no guilt involved in getting the best care for someone. The health depts don't seem to realise that eventually carers may breakdown and then they will have many more problems on their hands. It suits them to let carers carry on and on......

Could your Dad get some respite care in Nursing home as this will give your Mum and you breathing space and you will be better informed?

Please forgive me when I suggest that your Dad needs full time care. Yes your Mum will be upset. But what will happen if your Mum gets ill?

I told the NH everything about OH. It is not Dementia specific but staff are highly trained in dealing with patients with Dementia.

Get as much info as you can re Nursing homes. Visit them too. From my experience it was a long painful process and with hindsight it could have been made easier for me. I was determined that OH would get the best possible care and TG it has worked out for him.

My emotional upheaval is understandable but I know that I have made the best possible decisions. Yes he can have difficult days but surely a NH have the necessary skills to cope.? Apparently some don't! So the searching continues.

Yes your Mum will have a difficult emotional time but she has you to support her. This in my opinion is invaluable.

Please refuse to feel guilty. If someone needs to be in hospital with a different illness, should we feel guilty??

I hope everything works out well for you PG.

Loads of support,

Aisling.

Ps. Essex is beautiful. In another life I worked in Romford and have such great memories.

Thank you for your reply Aisling, even with all you have going on. I'm glad you don't feel guilty as that is a worry I have for my mum as much as me.

Having been called round Mums yesterday I am feeling an urgent need to find somewhere for respite for Dad at least. She said she had a lovely morning with him and then he suddenly flipped, like Jeckyl and Hyde and because she wouldn't let him out to go home he started smashing the place up like a spoilt child. Mum has learnt to stay out of his way but has very few ornaments left or furniture without dents or scratches on and has had several new TVs over the years. The dog runs and hides and if he will take it mum gives Dad a lorazepam (they did give us promethazone but we may as well take that ourselves as it doesn't touch him) - not really the answer but while it works - usually after about an hour he gradually calms down until he forgets all about it and is lovely again. I do not feel he is at risk of falling although he does have poor coordination and usually the best the lorazepam does is get him to sit down, as, believe me, if he gets out the front door he can run fast and is as strong as an ox. I feel Dads tantrums cloud any reasonable judgement and love my mum has for him and leave her dazed and angry. They are both 70 and have been married 50 years this July and Dad is an otherwise very fit and well man except for his Alzheimers, which he has had for over 10 years. He won't accept careers, and won't admit he needs help, although mum showers him and helps him dress and cuts up his food. If I thought he would go I would take him to a day centre but I know he won't stay and would need constant supervision and he can no longer read and has very poor perception.

He did end up in a psychiatric unit for dementia for 10 weeks last year which was awful but necessary and mum visited him every day, 3 times a day and all he did was ask for her when she wasn't there. We were advised to put Dad in a home from there but mum felt they had more living to do together and I supported her to get him home. And it worked with my help for 7 months ( I think mum wanted to reach their 50 th wedding anniversary) but is now unmanageable and quite desperate. I have social workers involved ( one very helpful and another less so)and told them I fear for mums mental and physical well being but Dad would be self funding until his savings ran out, which we estimate to be about a year at the most so it is up to us to find the most suitable place. The sw says he only needs residential, although not all will accept him due to his history of aggression and I can't blame them.

Mum says she is ready for him to go to a care home as she no longer feels she has any kind of a life anymore with the uncertainty of how he will be from hour to hour. I am so sad for them both but I promised mum there will be good times ahead, I only hope I can deliver on that promise .

Thank you for your support and I am greatly encouraged by your kind words.

P.s. How funny that I have lived in Romford my whole life, although it is far from beautiful, but a convenient place to live. Thank goodness I can drive out to more beautiful parts nearby ☺️ X

 

[Aisling]

Thank you for your reply Aisling, even with all you have going on. I'm glad you don't feel guilty as that is a worry I have for my mum as much as me.

Having been called round Mums yesterday I am feeling an urgent need to find somewhere for respite for Dad at least. She said she had a lovely morning with him and then he suddenly flipped, like Jeckyl and Hyde and because she wouldn't let him out to go home he started smashing the place up like a spoilt child. Mum has learnt to stay out of his way but has very few ornaments left or furniture without dents or scratches on and has had several new TVs over the years. The dog runs and hides and if he will take it mum gives Dad a lorazepam (they did give us promethazone but we may as well take that ourselves as it doesn't touch him) - not really the answer but while it works - usually after about an hour he gradually calms down until he forgets all about it and is lovely again. I do not feel he is at risk of falling although he does have poor coordination and usually the best the lorazepam does is get him to sit down, as, believe me, if he gets out the front door he can run fast and is as strong as an ox. I feel Dads tantrums cloud any reasonable judgement and love my mum has for him and leave her dazed and angry. They are both 70 and have been married 50 years this July and Dad is an otherwise very fit and well man except for his Alzheimers, which he has had for over 10 years. He won't accept careers, and won't admit he needs help, although mum showers him and helps him dress and cuts up his food. If I thought he would go I would take him to a day centre but I know he won't stay and would need constant supervision and he can no longer read and has very poor perception.

He did end up in a psychiatric unit for dementia for 10 weeks last year which was awful but necessary and mum visited him every day, 3 times a day and all he did was ask for her when she wasn't there. We were advised to put Dad in a home from there but mum felt they had more living to do together and I supported her to get him home. And it worked with my help for 7 months ( I think mum wanted to reach their 50 th wedding anniversary) but is now unmanageable and quite desperate. I have social workers involved ( one very helpful and another less so)and told them I fear for mums mental and physical well being but Dad would be self funding until his savings ran out, which we estimate to be about a year at the most so it is up to us to find the most suitable place. The sw says he only needs residential, although not all will accept him due to his history of aggression and I can't blame them.

Mum says she is ready for him to go to a care home as she no longer feels she has any kind of a life anymore with the uncertainty of how he will be from hour to hour. I am so sad for them both but I promised mum there will be good times ahead, I only hope I can deliver on that promise .

Thank you for your support and I am greatly encouraged by your kind words.

P.s. How funny that I have lived in Romford my whole life, although it is far from beautiful, but a convenient place to live. Thank goodness I can drive out to more beautiful parts nearby ☺️ X

I don't know how your system works but keep trying to get the care your Dad needs. Also your Mum. Forgive this suggestion but it seems your Mum could be hurt or in danger of being hurt. This is not your lovely Dad's fault, it is this awful disease. Hour to hour is like living on a knife edge. I have been there for years.

Take courage in your hands please and see if you can get respite for your Dad pending full time care. Tell the Nursing Home the full facts and PG you will find a place which suits him. I did after long haul.

My OH was very sleepy today. Staff monitoring meds carefully. He woke up for his afternoon tea and then promptly nodded off again in chair. Yes it is upsetting but I can't change anything and I know he is getting the best of care.

I give quick answers to nosey questions now. Trying to ignore invisibles and the rumours they spread around!!

I know I am looking after him and supporting him so have come to the conclusion that this is all that matters.

It sounds easy........ Believe me it is not easy but doable TG.

So many people ( not TP) have opinions, advice etc. amazing how they know and suggest what I should be doing!!

Keep posting and PM me anytime if I can be of any help to you.

Lots of support,

Aisling ( Ireland)

 

[MollyD]

Dear Aisling.

I've been trying to catch up on threads and it always takes me an age to find (or remember!!!) where this one is tucked away.

I'm so sorry T is struggling with depression. So hard for you to watch. Mum was the same though anxiety has been/was her major major problem. With each med adjustment her symptoms have eased, though like T, she was sleepier while adapting to them. She sleeps a lot anyway which is dementia and age related but the med 'dopiness' has dissipated insofar as is possible.

I'm so so heartened to hear you feel guilt-free. So heartened. A smidgen of that is now coming into my own radar in a way I never believed possible.

You are such a great support to people here in the midst of your own struggles.

Biggest hugs xxx

 

[Aisling]

Nursing Home

hi everyone,

Worry street is here again!! Change in OH behaviour. Meds changed back. He forgot how to use cutlery yesterday and today. Cat Scan ordered. Picking invisible things from floor and air. I have seen him picking things up from floor but not from air. I think meds have effected him. Oh, he also has an appointment for spot on face. Hours looming in hospital again. Appointments on different days of course!!

The great thing is I get all the facts straight thought this is difficult as well. Just phoned and nurse told me they didn't know if behaviour is part of progression or phase that may pass.

How could someone forget how to use cutlery in 48 hours? Anyone any idea? He has used a spoon for ages.

Just wondering if there are specific signs of progression. Yes am aware of progression but fast deterioration? What can Cat Scan show? I suppose it can determine more brain lesions.

Yes I am demented tonight and as usual on my own again. I think there is a song called " on my own again" No not guilty I didn't write the lyrics....

How much pain can one person cope with?


It is so difficult, isn't it? Can't wait for the night to be over and I can gather myself to visit my beautiful husband tomorrow PG.

Am sitting in window looking at the stars to work their magic on me.

Sending blessings to everyone.

Aisling xx

 

[HillyBilly]

Aisling - hugs and twinkling starlight to you xxx

 

[Aisling]

Aisling - hugs and twinkling starlight to you xxx

Thank you HB.

Aisling xx

 

[HillyBilly]

And you're not on your own Aisling.
Not never no more
We're all here with you x

 

[Kjn]

Aisling , we are all here still xx

 

[Aisling]

And you're not on your own Aisling.
Not never no more
We're all here with you x

"Will I play the wild rover....."

Aisling xx

 

[Aisling]

Aisling , we are all here still xx

Thank you Kjn. Without friends like you on TP , I would be gone " stark raving mad".

Aisling xxxxxxx

 

[MollyD]

Tight hug. Try try try to get some rest tonight Aisling, if you can. You need it so.

Love and support. Xxx

 

[pamann]

Hello Aisling just catching up with your posts, my husband stopped using a knife and fork months ago, he can not answer my questions now, when l said to him why are you not using your knife and fork he said, l have never used them in my life, he didn't know what they were for, his food is cut up, he uses a spoon, it did upset me at the time, got used to it now.
He has just started grabbing things from the air, or trying to pick up things from the floor which
are'nt there, 2 other residents do the same, its deterioration of AD, l have never felt guilty that l made the decision to put my husband into care, we know we have done the best we can for our husbands. We are still caring for them.

 

[Aisling]

Hello Aisling just catching up with your posts, my husband stopped using a knife and fork months ago, he can not answer my questions now, when l said to him why are you not using your knife and fork he said, l have never used them in my life, he didn't know what they were for, his food is cut up, he uses a spoon, it did upset me at the time, got used to it now.
He has just started grabbing things from the air, or trying to pick up things from the floor which
are'nt there, 2 other residents do the same, its deterioration of AD, l have never felt guilty that l made the decision to put my husband into care, we know we have done the best we can for our husbands. We are still caring for them.

Thank you Pamann. Yes I agree, no need for guilt. We are still doing our best. OH has an appointment with consultant re tiny lesion on face. This is good but as you well know, it is not easy to attend appointments. His psychiatric consultant has ordered a CAT scan. Reduction of meds again. Bit quick I think but have to take in day by day.

Aisling xx

 

[Aisling]

12 hours in accident & emergency with OH today.

Aisling