Hi all
Parent in nursing home, advanced dementia, limited communication.
Home have advised considering giving notice, bnot because they are unable to provide the care or any problems with my mum but due to relentless complaints by non-LPA holding child against myself who solely holds both LPA's.
Mum from diagnosis and throughout dementia journey always expressed the wish if she needed to go a care home it should be in the countryside so could enjoy looking out at the views, as had lived whole life in the countryside, hated towns and had never enjoyed socialising. Wishes are recorded frequently by numerous care professionals over several years. Mum had a number of close friends who would speak to regularly on the phone but no regular visits. She always hated larger gatherings, quite shy and didn't like a lot of noise.
It was difficult to find a placement due to additional complex care needs, but one finally came up in the countryside but no views from the lounges nor available bedroom at the time. Request made on admission that when a room came up with a view to move. Room with a view came up few months ago and move offered immediately. Given the short daylight hours, as LPA I requested a trial of a couple of hours in room during the day to see how it went. On the very first day of this trial sibling arrived and immediately started complaining that I was intentionally isolating mum and has continued with this despite the nursing home advising that mum appears to be enjoying the extra time in her room. Even with the daylight hours now increasing, I believe she is benefitting from being able to look at the window and from the quiet of her own room.
Complaints also includes saying that I have been abusing mum for years and that Social Services just ignore him. As a result of complaints I was investigated and cleared. Sibling took to the head of Safeguarding and to the Independent Government Ombudsman who upheld findings. He is very angry that mum didn't ask him to be her LPA and says that I manipulated her. Quite simply, he rarely visited her, always saying he was too busy and I was the one who did provide her with help and support so I was the natural choice. When he did visit her, he kept trying to get her to move into a care home close to him in the town in which he lives and would get angry with her for staying in a house he considered too big for her and wasting her money in doing so. It wasn't actually until she had care at home that he did start to visit more regularly.
His complaints are not just impacting upon the management in responding to the emails but now impacting upon the morale of staff in the home as a result of his visits, which are regular, and I have been advised if this continues then they will have to consider evicting mum even though they are well able to take care of her needs. She displays no challenging behaviours and smiles a lot when staff interact with her / involved in her personal care so in herself she is a pretty 'easy' resident to take care of.
I am really worried about a potential move. Where it would be, how good the home, how she would cope, being re-registered with new SP Surgery, etc, etc? I view this one as being excellent and mum seems happy and content. In fact he has said he has no complaints against the home just about my continuing abuse of her and seeing her visits to her room being further abuse by me.
I've seen really positive things since visiting her in her room. She does look out of the window and she says things that are appropriate to what she is seeing. In the lounge areas if she spoke it was often random with neither staff or myself being able to work out what she was talking about / referring to, so this to me is a really positive thing. Brother has refused to experience spending time with her in her room on his visits to observe her there. He absolutely refuses to discuss anything with me about her care given his refusal to accept I have LPA's. All I have been doing is keeping him informed by email of any health changes, medications, etc, despite him mostly not even having the courtesy to acknowledge them.
Despite Safeguarding investigations really not being a pleasant experience, regardless of knowing you are innocent of the accusations made, but I am actually feeling that instead of Social Services keep ignoring him, which seems to be making him more and more angry that they perhaps need to get involved. The Nursing home themselves said to me they feel it is becoming a Safeguarding concern given her placement could be at risk.
The reality is though, how would anyone stop him causing all this trouble, bar stopping him having any contact with her? I don't believe she knows who any family members are anymore, but is able to recognise familiar faces. She appears really happy, does still say she loves me but she hasn't said my name in a very long time and I don't think she knows that I am her daughter. So I believe she gets enjoyment from family visits although doubtful remembers upon my leaving and therefore don't like the idea that his visits / contact is stopped. This has gone on for so many years now and appears an obsession of his with not having control. He can become be very frightening when he loses his temper when not getting his own way (throughout his life). There are no reports that he has lost his temper at the home, although he did lose his temper at the Best Interest meeting as he objected to her being placed in this home and wanted her in a home he had chosen, sandwiched between a busy road and factory in a town. Fortunately the Best Interest meeting was online and his wife intervened so it was relatively short. He also blatantly lies to support his thinking. An example to support him wanting her in a care home in town near him, he has said such things as 'she hasn't always lived in the countryside' which is crazy particularly because it can be proved where she has lived during her life although Social Services never seem interested in actually checking facts.
I'm not sure there is an answer and even if mum was moved, I have no doubt he would continue the same way. If I asked the nursing home to no longer take her to her room, that would be taking away something she clearly enjoys so don't want to do that purely as a result of his behaviour. To even claim isolation when mum still spends the majority of the day in a lounge with others makes his accusations even more ridiculous and not a surprise that he has complained Social Services are ignoring him.
Has anyone experienced anything similar and have any suggestions?
Parent in nursing home, advanced dementia, limited communication.
Home have advised considering giving notice, bnot because they are unable to provide the care or any problems with my mum but due to relentless complaints by non-LPA holding child against myself who solely holds both LPA's.
Mum from diagnosis and throughout dementia journey always expressed the wish if she needed to go a care home it should be in the countryside so could enjoy looking out at the views, as had lived whole life in the countryside, hated towns and had never enjoyed socialising. Wishes are recorded frequently by numerous care professionals over several years. Mum had a number of close friends who would speak to regularly on the phone but no regular visits. She always hated larger gatherings, quite shy and didn't like a lot of noise.
It was difficult to find a placement due to additional complex care needs, but one finally came up in the countryside but no views from the lounges nor available bedroom at the time. Request made on admission that when a room came up with a view to move. Room with a view came up few months ago and move offered immediately. Given the short daylight hours, as LPA I requested a trial of a couple of hours in room during the day to see how it went. On the very first day of this trial sibling arrived and immediately started complaining that I was intentionally isolating mum and has continued with this despite the nursing home advising that mum appears to be enjoying the extra time in her room. Even with the daylight hours now increasing, I believe she is benefitting from being able to look at the window and from the quiet of her own room.
Complaints also includes saying that I have been abusing mum for years and that Social Services just ignore him. As a result of complaints I was investigated and cleared. Sibling took to the head of Safeguarding and to the Independent Government Ombudsman who upheld findings. He is very angry that mum didn't ask him to be her LPA and says that I manipulated her. Quite simply, he rarely visited her, always saying he was too busy and I was the one who did provide her with help and support so I was the natural choice. When he did visit her, he kept trying to get her to move into a care home close to him in the town in which he lives and would get angry with her for staying in a house he considered too big for her and wasting her money in doing so. It wasn't actually until she had care at home that he did start to visit more regularly.
His complaints are not just impacting upon the management in responding to the emails but now impacting upon the morale of staff in the home as a result of his visits, which are regular, and I have been advised if this continues then they will have to consider evicting mum even though they are well able to take care of her needs. She displays no challenging behaviours and smiles a lot when staff interact with her / involved in her personal care so in herself she is a pretty 'easy' resident to take care of.
I am really worried about a potential move. Where it would be, how good the home, how she would cope, being re-registered with new SP Surgery, etc, etc? I view this one as being excellent and mum seems happy and content. In fact he has said he has no complaints against the home just about my continuing abuse of her and seeing her visits to her room being further abuse by me.
I've seen really positive things since visiting her in her room. She does look out of the window and she says things that are appropriate to what she is seeing. In the lounge areas if she spoke it was often random with neither staff or myself being able to work out what she was talking about / referring to, so this to me is a really positive thing. Brother has refused to experience spending time with her in her room on his visits to observe her there. He absolutely refuses to discuss anything with me about her care given his refusal to accept I have LPA's. All I have been doing is keeping him informed by email of any health changes, medications, etc, despite him mostly not even having the courtesy to acknowledge them.
Despite Safeguarding investigations really not being a pleasant experience, regardless of knowing you are innocent of the accusations made, but I am actually feeling that instead of Social Services keep ignoring him, which seems to be making him more and more angry that they perhaps need to get involved. The Nursing home themselves said to me they feel it is becoming a Safeguarding concern given her placement could be at risk.
The reality is though, how would anyone stop him causing all this trouble, bar stopping him having any contact with her? I don't believe she knows who any family members are anymore, but is able to recognise familiar faces. She appears really happy, does still say she loves me but she hasn't said my name in a very long time and I don't think she knows that I am her daughter. So I believe she gets enjoyment from family visits although doubtful remembers upon my leaving and therefore don't like the idea that his visits / contact is stopped. This has gone on for so many years now and appears an obsession of his with not having control. He can become be very frightening when he loses his temper when not getting his own way (throughout his life). There are no reports that he has lost his temper at the home, although he did lose his temper at the Best Interest meeting as he objected to her being placed in this home and wanted her in a home he had chosen, sandwiched between a busy road and factory in a town. Fortunately the Best Interest meeting was online and his wife intervened so it was relatively short. He also blatantly lies to support his thinking. An example to support him wanting her in a care home in town near him, he has said such things as 'she hasn't always lived in the countryside' which is crazy particularly because it can be proved where she has lived during her life although Social Services never seem interested in actually checking facts.
I'm not sure there is an answer and even if mum was moved, I have no doubt he would continue the same way. If I asked the nursing home to no longer take her to her room, that would be taking away something she clearly enjoys so don't want to do that purely as a result of his behaviour. To even claim isolation when mum still spends the majority of the day in a lounge with others makes his accusations even more ridiculous and not a surprise that he has complained Social Services are ignoring him.
Has anyone experienced anything similar and have any suggestions?
