Need to get this off my chest

[Skylark/2]

My husband had a haemorroidectomy some weeks ago and since then has veered between constipation and diarrhoea. He takes laxatives and is very anxious and expects me to have solutions…I don’t. I have suggested he sees the g.p, he won’t.
This is the background to what happened yesterday. All was o.k, O.H had a nap in the afternoon but when he woke up he just looked at me and said ‘ well what are you going to do about it’ I found out he meant sorting out his bowel problem and when I said ‘ I don’t know, you won’t accept my suggestions ‘ he replied I didn’t care, was happy to see him struggling!
I was upset, angry and said I was going to the g.p’s in the hope of getting an appointment. I knew it was a long shot, late Friday afternoon, they were fully booked. The receptionist was very sympathetic, tried her best but in the end I filled out a form giving details and the clinician would call us.
I drove him to be met by husband who was ballistic, demanding my car keys and what was I up to. I was shocked, explained over and over and it just escalated. Suddenly he was demanding to see the house deeds as he was going to sell the house! While this was happening the clinician phoned and recommended a laxative regime, O.H took the call, ( Mr reasonable! ) but when the call was over was still SO angry.
He went to bed at 7 p.m and neither of us have slept. At 1 a.m he was looking at the house deeds, our wills and saying he was going to sell the house! I tried to placate him but he is demanding I call in an estate agent and get the house valued, before ‘ other people ‘ fiddle him out of the house. Impossible to distract him.
All I can think to say is estate agents aren’t making house calls because Covid is on the increase!!
Any other suggestions and apologies for the long post but am tired and exhausted.

 

[SeaSwallow]

Oh dear @Skylark/2 What an absolutely awful experience for you. I know that this is probably not much comfort but this behaviour is quite common in people with dementia. Things are never their fault, always yours and it's not easy to deal with or put up with. There is not an easy answer. When my husband behaves in a similar fashion i usually find that after a sleep he has calmed down and I hope that this is the case for you.

 

[nitram]

Constipation can cause a worsening of dementia symptoms.
Hope the recommended laxative regime is successful and your OH calms down.

 

[leny connery]

My husband had a haemorroidectomy some weeks ago and since then has veered between constipation and diarrhoea. He takes laxatives and is very anxious and expects me to have solutions…I don’t. I have suggested he sees the g.p, he won’t.
This is the background to what happened yesterday. All was o.k, O.H had a nap in the afternoon but when he woke up he just looked at me and said ‘ well what are you going to do about it’ I found out he meant sorting out his bowel problem and when I said ‘ I don’t know, you won’t accept my suggestions ‘ he replied I didn’t care, was happy to see him struggling!
I was upset, angry and said I was going to the g.p’s in the hope of getting an appointment. I knew it was a long shot, late Friday afternoon, they were fully booked. The receptionist was very sympathetic, tried her best but in the end I filled out a form giving details and the clinician would call us.
I drove him to be met by husband who was ballistic, demanding my car keys and what was I up to. I was shocked, explained over and over and it just escalated. Suddenly he was demanding to see the house deeds as he was going to sell the house! While this was happening the clinician phoned and recommended a laxative regime, O.H took the call, ( Mr reasonable! ) but when the call was over was still SO angry.
He went to bed at 7 p.m and neither of us have slept. At 1 a.m he was looking at the house deeds, our wills and saying he was going to sell the house! I tried to placate him but he is demanding I call in an estate agent and get the house valued, before ‘ other people ‘ fiddle him out of the house. Impossible to distract him.
All I can think to say is estate agents aren’t making house calls because Covid is on the increase!!
Any other suggestions and apologies for the long post but am tired and exhausted.

yes, impossible to distract , and how we still try. what else can we do? there is a limit to our compassion , understanding and patience. yet we try, and try even as we know it is no use. a group hug to all carers out there, a good cry, and pick ourselves up for another day's struggle and episodes. How is it possible that no cure is still the case for this dreadful disease??

 

[Skylark/2]

@leny connery , you hit the nail on the head with your observations.
At 3a.m this morning I was trying to distract ( unsuccessfully) by looking at photos we have on the iPad . Family members over the years, holidays etc.,
Today has been a better day, so far but I am exhausted. Can I join your group hug?

 

[Skylark/2]

Just thought I’d give an update on life since Friday, please see previous post.
Saturday was o.k, Sunday another nasty abusive argument. I was ‘ banished to live in another room’ as he ‘ couldn’t stand the sight of me’ I confess I was very tearful and said I needed to see the g.p, talk to someone as I need help as feeling stressed and overwhelmed. I deliberately didn’t say his behaviour over the last 2 + years is affecting me.
In the end I didn’t go to the surgery but today I came back from the supermarket and he told me he had taken his senna tablets. He took 2 senna tablets last night but then another 2 this morning! I said, maybe we should stay home , didn’t want any ‘accidents ‘ and once again he became abusive. Why hadn’t I woken him and tell him not to take them, I didn’t care, totally irrational but so hurtful being yelled at all the time. Anyway, I said I was going to get an appointment to discuss my well being with the g.p. This was at 9a.m, but was told someone would text me back. I returned home, more abuse, keys taken, threats to sell the house, I had lied throughout our 53 year marriage, it just went on plus there was absolutely no reason for me to see a doctor!
After about an hour a nurse phoned ( not text as I had requested ) said there were no appointments and what was wrong. Husband is sitting there, so I said I’d try for a face to face appt another day. ‘ Why can’t you discuss over the phone ‘ she asked, even though I’d gone into detail at the receptionist desk, written down what the problem was ( husband’s aggressive behaviour, me not coping, crying most days etc.). I just replied’ it’s not convenient’ and hung up on her.
Felt as though I was asking for help and not being treated sympatheticly, maybe I’m too thin skinned.
Have also sent a letter in confidence to the Memory Clinic where my husband has a review next week, stating my concerns and hopefully they might suggest a change in medication.
Sorry for going on at length but feel I am shouting but no one is listening………except here, thank you.

 

[SeaSwallow]

@Skylark/2 It is so hard to deal with when PWD's behave like this and then not to get support from the GP just adds to the stress. It was a good idea to write to the Memory Clinic and hopefully something will come from that. Keep posting here, you know that we will always listen to you.

 

[canary]

After about an hour a nurse phoned ( not text as I had requested ) said there were no appointments and what was wrong. Husband is sitting there, so I said I’d try for a face to face appt another day. ‘ Why can’t you discuss over the phone ‘ she asked, even though I’d gone into detail at the receptionist desk, written down what the problem was ( husband’s aggressive behaviour, me not coping, crying most days etc.). I just replied’ it’s not convenient’ and hung up on her.

Honestly, some people have no idea. Id follow this up with an email to the doctor explaining the problems and why you cant talk over the phone

 

[leny connery]

oh my dear, it is so hard, isn't it, and so hopeless at times. even when you know he behaves like he does because of his disease, but it is **** to be the receiving end all the time of his abusive, aggressive behaviour. there is nowhere to go, no one to turn to that is how I feel, and the tears I cry!!, only another caregiver can empathise. did you ever try talking to the admiral nurse? we are seeing a psychiatric nurse tomorrow, but tbh I am not expecting any solution. there is none. only strategy, how to deal with its day to day, moment to moment episodes. please, try to avoid being in the same room or within hearing. sending you my biggest sympathy and understanding and tight hugs.

 

[Skylark/2]

@leny connery , thank you for your reply, sympathy and understanding, I felt choked up!
I have not contacted an Admiral nurse or S.S. I keep telling myself there are people out there who need these services more than me, how serious does it have to be, I don’t know, I just battle on.
Today , we have had a peaceful day apart from telling me my homemade minestrone soup had given him diarrhoea and it was the mince that did it!
1 There was no mince. He said there was, I said I made it there was no mince….impasse!
2 He and I have had my minestrone soup in the past, no problem.
To all who have taken the trouble to reply , advise and sympathise I send a big thank you.

 

[SeaSwallow]

@leny connery , thank you for your reply, sympathy and understanding, I felt choked up!
I have not contacted an Admiral nurse or S.S. I keep telling myself there are people out there who need these services more than me, how serious does it have to be, I don’t know, I just battle on.
Today , we have had a peaceful day apart from telling me my homemade minestrone soup had given him diarrhoea and it was the mince that did it!
1 There was no mince. He said there was, I said I made it there was no mince….impasse!
2 He and I have had my minestrone soup in the past, no problem.
To all who have taken the trouble to reply , advise and sympathise I send a big thank you.

@Skylark/2 You need those services just as much as anyone else. Please get into contact with the Admiral nurse and also SS.

 

[leny connery]

@Skylark/2 You need those services just as much as anyone else. Please get into contact with the Admiral nurse and also SS.

my own daughter told me that her heart hurts to see me trying to 'talk him better' . we do keep trying, don't we, to defend ourselves, to argue our points, to make them see the reality/truth. The futility of it, how exhausting this is. Let us learn to just say 'yes, ok, you are right' Let us just let them have their 'reality' however unfair it is. After all night of sleeping together, all day of us being normal man and wife, just now he came in ask me where I was (I am mum again, you see, and he looks for his wife) I just shrugged and said I do not know. Just do not ask me, She will come back when you are ready to see her. He looks confused, and uncomprehending. Of course. But I am no longer willing to try and 'talk him better' , explaining it, lying sometimes to say that his wife is visiting her friend and will come home when she is ready. Mind you, last night he then phoned this friend and asked to talk to me!! Sigh! This friend luckily knows the situation and tried to volley the questions. Awkward. On, on. life continues .I am just praying for strength. for me, for you, for all the caregivers out there. What choice do we have?

 

[leny connery]

@leny connery , thank you for your reply, sympathy and understanding, I felt choked up!
I have not contacted an Admiral nurse or S.S. I keep telling myself there are people out there who need these services more than me, how serious does it have to be, I don’t know, I just battle on.
Today , we have had a peaceful day apart from telling me my homemade minestrone soup had given him diarrhoea and it was the mince that did it!
1 There was no mince. He said there was, I said I made it there was no mince….impasse!
2 He and I have had my minestrone soup in the past, no problem.
To all who have taken the trouble to reply , advise and sympathise I send a big thank you.

please talk to the admiral nurse. you will get sympathetic hearing. the nurse talked to me for more than an hour. honestly , do reach out, everywhere and anywhere. there is no 'more deserving cases' out there. you deserve it, big time!!

 

[SeaSwallow]

my own daughter told me that her heart hurts to see me trying to 'talk him better' . we do keep trying, don't we, to defend ourselves, to argue our points, to make them see the reality/truth. The futility of it, how exhausting this is. Let us learn to just say 'yes, ok, you are right' Let us just let them have their 'reality' however unfair it is. After all night of sleeping together, all day of us being normal man and wife, just now he came in ask me where I was (I am mum again, you see, and he looks for his wife) I just shrugged and said I do not know. Just do not ask me, She will come back when you are ready to see her. He looks confused, and uncomprehending. Of course. But I am no longer willing to try and 'talk him better' , explaining it, lying sometimes to say that his wife is visiting her friend and will come home when she is ready. Mind you, last night he then phoned this friend and asked to talk to me!! Sigh! This friend luckily knows the situation and tried to volley the questions. Awkward. On, on. life continues .I am just praying for strength. for me, for you, for all the caregivers out there. What choice do we have?

It is so hard @leny connery seeing how this vile disease destroys the minds of those we love. Tonight I have listened on and off for fours hours as my intelligent husband talked about things that never happened. I don’t correct him as he just gets frustrated and angry. No one but another carer truly understands just how devastating this is. I so miss the pre dementia husband, though he still lurks there sometimes.

 

[jay6]

Like others have said. {Please talk to your Admiralty nurse or social. It's hard trying to care for someone with dementia. You deserve just as much help as anyone else. (((hugs))) @Skylark/2

 

[Skylark/2]

@SeaSwallow ,@jay6 ,@leny connery . Good morning and sorry if I’m missed anyone out!
Thank you for your posts. Our OH’s temperament changes so quickly doesn’t it?
Yesterday we had a quiet day, laughter and smiles, this morning was good too. I left him happily watchingThe Ryder Cup whilst I did some local shopping. When I returned I thought he was in the loo, unpacked and then noticed a message on a note pad ‘ gone to Spar ‘. I set off to meet him, beautiful sunny morning, and saw him Some way ahead. I shouted his name, he turned, saw me, turned back and carried on walking. Eventually I caught him up, smiled, chatted and didn’t get a reply. We are now home, nothing said…..just an ominous build up of a change of mood.
I am going to take up you kind people’s advice and ask for help. It will be difficult as O.H wants to know who phones, ‘ put them on speaker ‘ etc., Will look and see if the Admiral nurses have an email address, that might be a possibility.
Thanks everyone, keep smiling through the tears.

 

[Izzy]

That’s a good idea @Skylark/2 - I once contacted Admiral nurses by email and got a helpful reply in return.

Email - helpline@dementiauk.org

Or there’s a contact form -

Admiral Nurse Dementia Helpline enquiry form

To contact a dementia specialist Admiral Nurse, fill in the form below and someone from the team will get back to you.

www.dementiauk.org

I hope your day is as good as It can be.

 

[AmIgullible?]

My husband had a haemorroidectomy some weeks ago and since then has veered between constipation and diarrhoea. He takes laxatives and is very anxious and expects me to have solutions…I don’t. I have suggested he sees the g.p, he won’t.
This is the background to what happened yesterday. All was o.k, O.H had a nap in the afternoon but when he woke up he just looked at me and said ‘ well what are you going to do about it’ I found out he meant sorting out his bowel problem and when I said ‘ I don’t know, you won’t accept my suggestions ‘ he replied I didn’t care, was happy to see him struggling!
I was upset, angry and said I was going to the g.p’s in the hope of getting an appointment. I knew it was a long shot, late Friday afternoon, they were fully booked. The receptionist was very sympathetic, tried her best but in the end I filled out a form giving details and the clinician would call us.
I drove him to be met by husband who was ballistic, demanding my car keys and what was I up to. I was shocked, explained over and over and it just escalated. Suddenly he was demanding to see the house deeds as he was going to sell the house! While this was happening the clinician phoned and recommended a laxative regime, O.H took the call, ( Mr reasonable! ) but when the call was over was still SO angry.
He went to bed at 7 p.m and neither of us have slept. At 1 a.m he was looking at the house deeds, our wills and saying he was going to sell the house! I tried to placate him but he is demanding I call in an estate agent and get the house valued, before ‘ other people ‘ fiddle him out of the house. Impossible to distract him.
All I can think to say is estate agents aren’t making house calls because Covid is on the increase!!
Any other suggestions and apologies for the long post but am tired and exhausted.

I am so glad you wrote this. There have been days caring for my mum when I thought I was losing MY mind.

Vent all you can. No point in arguing with him, just talk on here. I’m sure we all understand.

 

[jay6]

Glad you had a better day skylark

 

[leny connery]

It is so hard @leny connery seeing how this vile disease destroys the minds of those we love. Tonight I have listened on and off for fours hours as my intelligent husband talked about things that never happened. I don’t correct him as he just gets frustrated and angry. No one but another carer truly understands just how devastating this is. I so miss the pre dementia husband, though he still lurks there sometimes.

just had a chat with the psychiatric nurse, with him there too and not happy to hear me telling the nurse the situation. As I expected there is nothing that could be done. only strategies and how to talk to my husband, suggestions like printing a big photo of myself as I am now and put a name on it. I tried btw, showin our recent photos, selfies I took in our outings. text messaging his phone saying that I (his wife) am okay and will come home soon. etc. He, like your husband , is so intelligent that the disease is developing slowly with his big brain fighting it all along the way, I miss his old self too. and yes there is still so much of him there that pops in and out there is no way I am putting him away, not yet