Won’t be doing this again!

[Dianej]

I'm afraid I've given up all thought of holidays for the last four years. Our last was in December 2019, when OH caused such a very public row with the airline ground staff because they didn't open the boarding gate as soon as he thought they should. I realised it was all through his fear of the airport. Subsequent holidays were cancelled through Covid and now he is just too confused to even consider one. We're both 76 and have had wonderful holidays all over the world. I used to think that I wouldn't enjoy a holiday, knowing and worrying that he was in respite, but I have started to think that my life of painful monotony can't go on like this. I haven't even seen my family for two years as they live at the other end of the country. I have promised myself that next year I will have ME time.

 

[jay6]

I'm afraid I've given up all thought of holidays for the last four years. Our last was in December 2019, when OH caused such a very public row with the airline ground staff because they didn't open the boarding gate as soon as he thought they should. I realised it was all through his fear of the airport. Subsequent holidays were cancelled through Covid and now he is just too confused to even consider one. We're both 76 and have had wonderful holidays all over the world. I used to think that I wouldn't enjoy a holiday, knowing and worrying that he was in respite, but I have started to think that my life of painful monotony can't go on like this. I haven't even seen my family for two years as they live at the other end of the country. I have promised myself that next year I will have ME time.

I'm in same position my daughter is also at other end of country. It's now the only kind of holiday we get but for how long? Even that is getting harder so I sympathise with you Diane

 

[Skylark/2]

Hello @Dianej . What you describe at the airport is just what happened to me. Almost 2 years ago we finally made it to Florida, looking forward to meeting our granddaughter for the first time. The whole holiday was a nightmare ( at one point I was trying to get an early flight home) . Getting off the plane at Heathrow and then up the M6 was so, so stressful. However in May this year, I thought we might manage a 3 night away in Paris, a city we know well. Getting there from our local airport went well ( lots of assistance) but the first morning away he didn’t recognise me and getting through charles de Gaulle airport was difficult, then our flight was delayed and my husband was haranguing the staff at the boarding gate, telling them it was their duty to find us a hotel for the night ( not necessary , flight delayed by 45 minutes) etc., I was so stressed, husband said he’d had a good time the following day! I’ll say here that husband has always had a short temper, now I have to be very careful what I say, he is So verbally abusive, trying for a thicker skin but it’s hard!
After that I thought never again but these last few months I am thinking why should I deny myself a visit/ holiday to see my son and granddaughter. Maybe my husband could go into respite fora week. I am 77 in Nov and know this awful disease is only going to get worse…….for both of us.
We had a 3 night break in a cottage in Derbyshire this month, only lasted 1 night as husband so nasty and argumentative. Do I resign myself to a life at home with only a trip to the supermarket or for a coffee. We have tried dementia cafes, O.H declared they were not for him, objects to me ‘ swanning around in his car ‘ and takes my car keys…..so no ‘ me ‘ time.
unfortunately I have no family close by, husband has a sister and nephews and nieces very close by but they have drifted away, as have friends.
Apologies for prattling on but I find myself thinking ‘ I am not a nurse, for my own well being I need a break.

 

[Dandy64]

Good morning,

I’ll try not to go into too much detail but need to vent.
we were looking forward to a 3 night break in the Peak District self catering in a cottage we know well. I packed for both of us, food for a few days, wine etc., and needed to check that the medication script for O.H had been sent to pharmacy for collection when we got back.
I drove, in heavy traffic and stopped for a pub lunch along the way. We arrived, I unpacked etc., and we settled down for the afternoon , but later went to watch the sun go down at a Beaty spot. Early evening O.H suddenly said ( as we were getting ready to watch Mastermind ) I’ve had a s..t day, done nothing, no point in coming and then said he was off to bed after saying a few nasty things to me. This went on all night, no sleep for me but in the morning I suggested a visit to Chatsworth, he reluctantly agreed but after 40 minutes there, said he was tired ( so was I, exhausted and stressed ) so we returned to the cottage. Later that afternoon I suggested a walk through the village and a pint at the pub, we did this, and then I said we would go for a meal out later He agreed but by 6 p.m was demanding we went home! By this time I was so upset, stressed, tired through lack of sleep, I agreed. Packed, tidied cottage and set off driving back. O.H talked and map read all the way home even though I had sat nav on. Awful journey back, sun in eyes all the way, busy traffic but back home safe.y after 1 night away instead of 3 with virtually no sleep. O.H convinced other people with us, or left behind and sometimes recognises me sometimes not.
compliemented me on my driving this morning, now angry saying ‘ I’m not your gardener ‘ because I ‘ ordered him’ to help me water flower pots.
Fed up, sorry

I can totally understand you wanting to vent 😕
So brave of you to do all of that. Maybe you could do it with a friend and get some rest?

 

[Anthoula]

I returned from Crete last Wednesday. Was the holiday the relaxing "me time" I had hoped it would be? NO, it certainly was not. The second day I was there I received a text message from the social worker to tell me that OH had taken my car keys and gone out in my car for 3 hours!!! He no longer has a licence so is obviously not insured to drive. However, he got home without any problem which was a blessing. A close friend went to our house and confiscated the keys. Only problem then was the fact that the very next day OH went rummaging in drawers until he found the spare set of keys (which had never been used since I first had the car!) and took the car out again, though this time it was only for about 20 minutes. Yep, that set were confiscated too. However, after that OH was seen trying to open my car with other keys! Thankfully no damage done. 2 days later I received another text message to ask if OH had started smoking again as there was a smell of cigarettes in the house. OH gave up smoking over 4 years ago when he was diagnosed with emphysema! Social worker could not find any evidence of cigarettes (packet, ashtray or stubs) so I am pretty sure that if anyone had been smoking it was probably one of the carers. Nevertheless as I was 2000 miles away I am not sure exactly what I was expected to do if OH had been smoking!! There were several days when I received phone calls and texts from the social services and carers about other issues which they seemed unable to manage. Left me wondering about their level of competence and capabilities!

 

[leny connery]

I returned from Crete last Wednesday. Was the holiday the relaxing "me time" I had hoped it would be? NO, it certainly was not. The second day I was there I received a text message from the social worker to tell me that OH had taken my car keys and gone out in my car for 3 hours!!! He no longer has a licence so is obviously not insured to drive. However, he got home without any problem which was a blessing. A close friend went to our house and confiscated the keys. Only problem then was the fact that the very next day OH went rummaging in drawers until he found the spare set of keys (which had never been used since I first had the car!) and took the car out again, though this time it was only for about 20 minutes. Yep, that set were confiscated too. However, after that OH was seen trying to open my car with other keys! Thankfully no damage done. 2 days later I received another text message to ask if OH had started smoking again as there was a smell of cigarettes in the house. OH gave up smoking over 4 years ago when he was diagnosed with emphysema! Social worker could not find any evidence of cigarettes (packet, ashtray or stubs) so I am pretty sure that if anyone had been smoking it was probably one of the carers. Nevertheless as I was 2000 miles away I am not sure exactly what I was expected to do if OH had been smoking!! There were several days when I received phone calls and texts from the social services and carers about other issues which they seemed unable to manage. Left me wondering about their level of competence and capabilities!

unbelievable. some break! what did anybody in his or her right mind think you could do? Having said that , your man does seem a very determined and resourceful guy! the smoking episode is also unbelievable. asking you in your respite me time? incompetence is the least I would call them

 

[Firecatcher]

I returned from Crete last Wednesday. Was the holiday the relaxing "me time" I had hoped it would be? NO, it certainly was not. The second day I was there I received a text message from the social worker to tell me that OH had taken my car keys and gone out in my car for 3 hours!!! He no longer has a licence so is obviously not insured to drive. However, he got home without any problem which was a blessing. A close friend went to our house and confiscated the keys. Only problem then was the fact that the very next day OH went rummaging in drawers until he found the spare set of keys (which had never been used since I first had the car!) and took the car out again, though this time it was only for about 20 minutes. Yep, that set were confiscated too. However, after that OH was seen trying to open my car with other keys! Thankfully no damage done. 2 days later I received another text message to ask if OH had started smoking again as there was a smell of cigarettes in the house. OH gave up smoking over 4 years ago when he was diagnosed with emphysema! Social worker could not find any evidence of cigarettes (packet, ashtray or stubs) so I am pretty sure that if anyone had been smoking it was probably one of the carers. Nevertheless as I was 2000 miles away I am not sure exactly what I was expected to do if OH had been smoking!! There were several days when I received phone calls and texts from the social services and carers about other issues which they seemed unable to manage. Left me wondering about their level of competence and capabilities!

I really don’t know why the social services were phoning and texting you. Did they think you’d cut your holiday short and come back. It doesn’t sound like you had a break at all. Next time you go anywhere keep your phone switched off so it forces these incompetent idiots to deal with things.