Mum recently into a home

[olivia1]

My Mum has had memory problems for 10 years now, she's 84 and an amazingly strong wee person. I have no idea how she's been muddling through up til now at home. Due to a recent incident with my Dad, Mum was sent to a home because she can no longer be left alone. She's been there for a month now and she is often talking about going home.

This has been a worrying time for all the family. The financial worries about the costs of the home -it is without doubt the best place for Mum to be now. But, this doesn't mean she doesn't want to go home. I've taken as many things in as I can for her to look at, activities, the odd magazine - she likes pictures, flowers, things from home. When I try to explain to her that this might have to be a longer-term thing. She is starting to get upset, looking miserable and fighting back tears.

I thought I should try to make her aware - but as soon as I changed the subject and we are onto cutting out pictures, she's as happy as Larry. Should I stop explaining that she might be staying longer at the home and if she asks about going home, I tell a 'white' or 'love' lie - defer it and make an excuse up about the house? I would feel like a nightmare doing that but if it saves her getting upset thinking about the truth that would be better, wouldn't it? But, will she keep asking about going home then every time we go to visit or will it eventually stop as she becomes adjusted to her surroundings?

I feel pretty terrible, i live quite far away and only coming back to visit every 2 weeks and i go for a couple of hours each day of the weekend (for 3 days) - I'm going to be the main visitor, i can tell. So I'm considering moving back to the same city so I can visit her more often. I'm in a position to be able to do that right now. Because she said to me - during one of our talks about staying on in the home - well, you're here. So, i will probably move closer to where she is to help her as much as i can.

Thank you for any comments

 

[Beate]

Why is telling a love lie so terrible? If it will make her happy and stop her from getting upset, it's clearly in her best interests. Truth and dementia don't get on too brilliantly and your goal is to reduce your mother's anxiety by whatever means possible. If a fib is one of them, so be it.

 

[Merrymaid]

My Mum has had memory problems for 10 years now, she's 84 and an amazingly strong wee person. I have no idea how she's been muddling through up til now at home. Due to a recent incident with my Dad, Mum was sent to a home because she can no longer be left alone. She's been there for a month now and she is often talking about going home.

This has been a worrying time for all the family. The financial worries about the costs of the home -it is without doubt the best place for Mum to be now. But, this doesn't mean she doesn't want to go home. I've taken as many things in as I can for her to look at, activities, the odd magazine - she likes pictures, flowers, things from home. When I try to explain to her that this might have to be a longer-term thing. She is starting to get upset, looking miserable and fighting back tears.

I thought I should try to make her aware - but as soon as I changed the subject and we are onto cutting out pictures, she's as happy as Larry. Should I stop explaining that she might be staying longer at the home and if she asks about going home, I tell a 'white' or 'love' lie - defer it and make an excuse up about the house? I would feel like a nightmare doing that but if it saves her getting upset thinking about the truth that would be better, wouldn't it? But, will she keep asking about going home then every time we go to visit or will it eventually stop as she becomes adjusted to her surroundings?

I feel pretty terrible, i live quite far away and only coming back to visit every 2 weeks and i go for a couple of hours each day of the weekend (for 3 days) - I'm going to be the main visitor, i can tell. So I'm considering moving back to the same city so I can visit her more often. I'm in a position to be able to do that right now. Because she said to me - during one of our talks about staying on in the home - well, you're here. So, i will probably move closer to where she is to help her as much as i can.

Thank you for any comments

Hi Olivia I too felt terrible about a CH placement for Mum but in hindsight it was in her best interests and although upsetting for both our parts for a while was the right thing to do. My Mum had lived with me for 30 years and I had been her primary carer when the AD came along in the last 10 years. I told a 'white lie' for a few weeks until she settled fully and eventually stopped asking to be taken home. I told her I was having building work done on the house which was partly true as I was having some jobs done. After a few weeks she started to integrate with the other residents, enjoying crafts, social events, days out and most of all a routine that every one else participated in. I on the other hand was treated to enjoyable visits without the challenge of the constant care which was beginning to damage my own health and well being.

 

[Witzend]

Honestly, if a fib will keep your mother happy, when the truth is only going to upset her, where's the harm?

I became extremely inventive with 'love lies' in order to save my mother from fretting and getting upset - I told her so many over the years, if I were Pinocchio my nose would have gone a couple of times round the world by the end of it.
I never felt the least bit bad about it. She could always find plenty of things to fret or worry about anyway, so if I could save her some of that, I was only too glad to do so.

 

[olivia1]

good ideas

Thank you, that makes sense, I'll get inventive and create a good story that will put her mind at rest. Will try to communicate this to my Dad, although​ he is particularly rubbish and brings up stories about home in conversations with her. I struggle to persuade him to change his ideas - that's another separate challenge.
I have no idea how to persuade him not to talk about home? He is extremely selfish in some respects
Yes, looking after a parent with Alzheimer's is / can be extraordinarily challenging. When you see the CH activities, it looks quite good, compared with what she was doing at home. She only attended one activity group a week.
She is better off and i realise it's going to be a transitional period
Thank you for the advice - i will definitely stay off upsetting topics.

 

[Mummies Girl]

My mum has been in CH since dad passed away in October. It's been a challenging few months but reading all the advice on TP has helped me so much. I've learnt the art of love lies and distraction. This is the only way with AD. Mum is mid to late stage. Just going to make the most of this year and if it mean a few fibs the so be it ......big hug and stay strong if you can xxx


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[Rosnpton]

Mum recently moved into a home

Hi olivai1
Your situation is similar to mine
Mum has been in a care home just over a year.we were caring for her at home with two care visits a day,but dad broke his leg and was hospitalised for 16 weeks. Mum had to go into emergency respite care, and then a permenant place as dad while in hospital was assessed as no longer being fit to be her care even with support.
Mum regularly asks to go home-has tried to 'get out' has regular falls-some genuine,some for attention as she thinks if sent to a & e she can ask to be sent home.
We tell lies according to her mood and level of understanding on the day. We 'blame' a faceless social worker who decided dad wasn't able to look after her enough,and have agreed once this 'person' decides he can look after her,she may be able to go home. We are always non-comittal with no time span in place.
We have distractions which normally work- she is currnetly fixated with playing with the photos on my I-pad. So we always have that with us as she likes to make them move and will look at same ones hundreds of times
Can you maybe have briefed your dad in what is helpful or not to talk about on visits? She may feel excluded if he is describing the garden for example,and what he has done in it-a photo and discussion on how nice the flowers look may be acceptable.
My dad is selfish and likes nothing more than to give her a list of all that is wrong with him ,or the problems he is having at home-not a great help.
We also found she still likes to play scrabble, so took the family set to the home (although they have some) as she realises its 'hers' and likes to get it out and oaky a game with visitors.

Hope she settles soon, and sending best wishes
.

My Mum has had memory problems for 10 years now, she's 84 and an amazingly strong wee person. I have no idea how she's been muddling through up til now at home. Due to a recent incident with my Dad, Mum was sent to a home because she can no longer be left alone. She's been there for a month now and she is often talking about going home.

This has been a worrying time for all the family. The financial worries about the costs of the home -it is without doubt the best place for Mum to be now. But, this doesn't mean she doesn't want to go home. I've taken as many things in as I can for her to look at, activities, the odd magazine - she likes pictures, flowers, things from home. When I try to explain to her that this might have to be a longer-term thing. She is starting to get upset, looking miserable and fighting back tears.

I thought I should try to make her aware - but as soon as I changed the subject and we are onto cutting out pictures, she's as happy as Larry. Should I stop explaining that she might be staying longer at the home and if she asks about going home, I tell a 'white' or 'love' lie - defer it and make an excuse up about the house? I would feel like a nightmare doing that but if it saves her getting upset thinking about the truth that would be better, wouldn't it? But, will she keep asking about going home then every time we go to visit or will it eventually stop as she becomes adjusted to her surroundings?

I feel pretty terrible, i live quite far away and only coming back to visit every 2 weeks and i go for a couple of hours each day of the weekend (for 3 days) - I'm going to be the main visitor, i can tell. So I'm considering moving back to the same city so I can visit her more often. I'm in a position to be able to do that right now. Because she said to me - during one of our talks about staying on in the home - well, you're here. So, i will probably move closer to where she is to help her as much as i can.

Thank you for any comments

 

[olivia1]

Mum now in a home

I also can't believe that Mum is living that reality. I know that times change and we all can't or want to live forever but I feel awful that Mum is waking up every day and living out her days in a care home. I never wanted it for Mum and she never wanted it
I do think of her a lot

 

[AW1938]

Ahh olivia1, you sound as sad as me[emoji46]. I moved my mum straight from hospital to care home in Jan and she pleads with me every visit to take her home. Its so hard seeing them unhappy in what will be their final times. I have had to rehome her dog and put her house up for sale, all behind her back. I hate it... Mum has Alzheimer's and last year was a nightmare in/out hospital, social services, cpn, carers then Iive in carer- all failed - mum cant remember any of it and can't understand why I won't let her go home. She follows me to the door every time I leave and begs me to take her. I feel like I have totally let her down but I know deep down that she cant be at home


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[olivia1]

good ideas

Thank you so much everyone for such helpful suggestions. Really very helpful

Rossnopton - the Scrabble idea is a good one. And Mum likes playing patience (cards) ..with me helping. Yes, okay - a lot of similarities since we had a meeting with social workers who said Dad wasn't fit to look after Mum any more or - 'at the moment, he might have to go back into hospital' I wonder if i should tell her that - this will be a bit of a fib - but close to the truth and then move on to a distracting activity - perhaps see how that goes down. I hadn't thought to mention it before you said that.

Of course, nothing would prevent him from talking selfishly either about his projects at home - and i've seen the excluded feelings you're talking of. Only thing there is he doesn't like going to visit without others present, who are usually more clued in than he is on such things.

Showing your iPad pictures sounds delightful, yes , Mum seemed to like looking at some pictures on my phone - perhaps put some on a tablet so she can see them better.

It is so helpful talking to people on here

 

[olivia1]

upset about Mum

AW1938 - yes this is something I can relate to. Having something (even if they don't fully know or remember) on the outside thy loved is deep inside. The reality of the condition is not known of course and there may be denial too. Sounds as though our Mums think they're just fine and we (and other professionals) know they aren't. They have a natural pulling and desire to go home. All of the solutions you tried weren't enough and she's in the best place
Leaving her breaks my heart too, i hate walking away and spend hours (especially at night) thinking of the time we spent - perhaps what i should have said to make her happier. But, i do believe that some of the people on here have said that eventually she will settle down and accept her new surroundings.
Crying and begging you is a very difficult situation - is there a lie you can tell her each time you go - this is my problem too - i hate the feeling but you know it's for their good - something that will not lead her to think that she will be going home next week -but something to hope for - some kind of elaborate story. I'm not sure what it could be. Could you tell her you might be moving to Spain and take her with you? - I know it sounds far fetched but it's something that would take a lot of planning and you could start talking about that instead
I'm not sure but also I've been thinking I also believe it's important to distract ourselves too. It's easier on the outside to find distractions so for them, i think we need to provide the distractions.

------------------

- Life is tough my darling, but so are you.
- Strength grows in the moments when you think you can't go on but you keep going anyway.

 

[Scouts girl]

I also had the most difficult decision to make last Christmas to ask for an emergency placement for my mum as it got to the stage that I could no longer cope with looking after her. I had been her sole carer for a number of years but as her dementia increased knew that for her safety and having to have 24 hour care I could no longer give this to her. I was reaching carers breakdown and on the advice of her doctor and paramedic ( who was with her for 3 hours last Boxing Day) finally had to give in and agree for mum to have emergency residential care. She has been in her CH now for 3 months and has been diagnosed with vascular/mixed dementia. She is still terribly unhappy there as she cannot now do much for herself and has to rely on the carers for all her personal care and needs. I visit her every day but it is just so upsetting to listen to her saying she cannot live like this any longer and if she can't come home then she wants to end her life. I, too, get very upset and find it so difficult knowing how to reassure her and try to distract her with looking at photos and the memory book I have complied for her, but after a few minutes she is crying again and just pleading with me to end it all for her. Her new GP is loathe to give her any more medication due to mums other health issues and she has been on an anti depressant since last October. Mum is getting excellent care in the home and I just think her depressive mood is mainly because of her deteriorating health both mentally and physically and is having to depend on the carers to do everything now for her which she is just finding so difficult to accept.

I, too am having to sell mums home to fund her care and I feel so devious having to do this and not being able to talk to her about everything but needs must. I have told so many love lies to her to try and calm her and continuously tell her we all love her very much and just want the best care for her but I know she feels 'abandoned' and not wanted. I just hope one day I can walk in to the CH and see her smile at me again and know that the lovely mother/ daughter relationship we once shared is still there .....somewhere???

 

[Rosnpton]

Hi olivia1
Hope your mum will settle into her new routine soon.
We have also given mum a large week to view a5 diary- following a meeting at the ch last year. When we are leaving, we put our name under the date we will next visit- not the time- just 'before lunch' or 'after tea'[. The ch staff are using this to help her understand when we are due/ when we were last there. We currently go once a week as when I was going more recently,they advised me that it just gave her ammunition to use against me and them. 'You left me here/ I need to get out/ I hate you ' etc.
The staff also encourage her to write in her book. Sometimes she puts nothing at all, other times little things like 'singers came' or 'had a shower today'. This is also useful to find stuff to talk about at the next visit. We also get her to make a little list of anything she would like at the next visit- chocolate jelly etc and we then 'tick it' with her when we take it in which atm.seems to give her a feeling of having a little bit of control over her life.
Sending good wishes
Ros
=olivia1;1395309]Thank you so much everyone for such helpful suggestions. Really very helpful

Rossnopton - the Scrabble idea is a good one. And Mum likes playing patience (cards) ..with me helping. Yes, okay - a lot of similarities since we had a meeting with social workers who said Dad wasn't fit to look after Mum any more or - 'at the moment, he might have to go back into hospital' I wonder if i should tell her that - this will be a bit of a fib - but close to the truth and then move on to a distracting activity - perhaps see how that goes down. I hadn't thought to mention it before you said that.

Of course, nothing would prevent him from talking selfishly either about his projects at home - and i've seen the excluded feelings you're talking of. Only thing there is he doesn't like going to visit without others present, who are usually more clued in than he is on such things.

Showing your iPad pictures sounds delightful, yes , Mum seemed to like looking at some pictures on my phone - perhaps put some on a tablet so she can see them better.

It is so helpful talking to people on here[/QUOTE]

 

[olivia1]

good ideas

Hello Scouts girl, it sounds as though you have made a tremendous effort. I feel sure your Mum's reaction is part of the condition. She's possibly at a stage where feeling upset is really her reaction to the illness. She's taking it out on those around her - not understanding the condition and what's going on. Part of this has to be a blessing since - one thing that you can feel secure about is that she's being well looked after. She is safe and warm and clean. I sometimes remind Mum of these things that are so good. It's such a difficult thing because this really pulls on your heart strings. I find it difficult leaving the home - when i know i wont be back for a wee while (2 weeks max) - i tend to go every day the weekend I'm back. The memory book such a good idea- i have to get a glass picture frame to put photos in. A lovely bright red fleecey blanket, favourite of Mums just disappeared. I put it on her bed and it was gone 2 weeks later. Apparently it's somewhere in the home, i didn't know had to label it.

Rosnpton - that is a good idea about the list of things Mum has done. Only trouble is Mum isn't writing too much or too well .. a good idea. I might try and suggest it!

Thank you for what you've written
Ps. I didn't know ihow to find the thread again so i missed your posts. I have only just found them!

 

[Rosnpton]

Hi
Mum can't always write legibly, and I'm not sure she can always read it back either,but it seems the actual doing it is a reflex,as I said,maybe from old work?
The carers are aware of her book, and if there has been a singer for example, encourage her to put it in her book. They then sometimes add a line to help us ie.sing a long went well, or pals.dog liked Dee patting him.
It gives us a point to talk about if nothing else.
She is also quite protective of the book- only a brightly coloured diary- so I think in some way, she is maybe proud of it? Or knows it is hers.?
I also carry the 'care home bag' with me- it has a smal sewing kit for emergency repairs (as one time a button was loose and she became very upset) some blue tac- she likes having post cards stuck to the cupboard door, laundry pen and some extra pencils ,spare hearing aid batteries, the size that fit tv remote etc. Etc
It's never left with her- don't trust her with scissors after she gave herself a very fetching short cut when making Xmas cards in the craft group!! But I know I should be able to sort out any minor emergency if she has one. This has been useful on more then one occasion when something id find quite petty has become a major problem in her eyes. Hope you find a happy solution that works for you and yours
Best wishes and happy Easter
Ros

Hello Scouts girl, it sounds as though you have made a tremendous effort. I feel sure your Mum's reaction is part of the condition. She's possibly at a stage where feeling upset is really her reaction to the illness. She's taking it out on those around her - not understanding the condition and what's going on. Part of this has to be a blessing since - one thing that you can feel secure about is that she's being well looked after. She is safe and warm and clean. I sometimes remind Mum of these things that are so good. It's such a difficult thing because this really pulls on your heart strings. I find it difficult leaving the home - when i know i wont be back for a wee while (2 weeks max) - i tend to go every day the weekend I'm back. The memory book such a good idea- i have to get a glass picture frame to put photos in. A lovely bright red fleecey blanket, favourite of Mums just disappeared. I put it on her bed and it was gone 2 weeks later. Apparently it's somewhere in the home, i didn't know had to label it.

Rosnpton - that is a good idea about the list of things Mum has done. Only trouble is Mum isn't writing too much or too well .. a good idea. I might try and suggest it!

Thank you for what you've written
Ps. I didn't know ihow to find the thread again so i missed your posts. I have only just found them!

 

[Snowdog]

Such good ideas here!

I would suggest a fabric covered frame rather than a glass picture frame for safety reasons.

The talk about wanting to die is not at all unusual. I spent six months at a senior living community that included a memory care unit, and I heard wish to die expressed many times

 

[Snowdog]

My post flew away.
The difficult part is not feeling hurt or wounded to the core by the comment about wanting to die. It can be difficult to make an up beat response, but I've found that "I would really miss you," works well.

One other thought. The less complicated the creative story, the better. My conversations with my husband are full of omissions. He is paranoid about missing things, money and makes all kinds of accusations. I used to try to be logical, but that doesn't work. Must have been another wife in his book of life.

 

[olivia1]

Such good ideas here!

I would suggest a fabric covered frame rather than a glass picture frame for safety reasons.

The talk about wanting to die is not at all unusual.

A good idea ! Thank you for the tip - hadn't thought of that.
I've heard a guy in the home say that. And I hear the carers dealing with it.
It's not something my Mum says ...

I love this!!!

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to."
"I don't much care where –"
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

This is very typical of the state of mind of those in a CH with dementia. In which case, I've come to realise although each sufferer goes into a different state / mood. Most of them don't have a firm grip on reality. They certainly have lucid moments which leads us to believe they are making some good decisions. But, the wish to go home, for me, is the desire to return to life as it was before dementia. We (as the family) must remember that this is what they're asking for. And, it's important not to feel guilty that we can't deliver that. When we are not in a position to do all the looking after, all we can do is make sure they are safe in a place that's warm with food and beverages, being properly looked after. And keep visiting to reassure them that this is okay.

 

[HillyBilly]

I like that quote very much, thank you!

 

[archer j]

Guilt at mums respite probably becoming full time

I recently put my mum into respite care. She had been managing so well in her home though very reliant on me visiting daily. Then on bad days she stopped recognising her own flat and would phone- I would often get upwards of 20 calls- saying she didn't know where she was although she still recognised all the photos etc. She would pester the warden to take her to her flat despite just having left it and go back 5 minutes later getting angry that that wasn't her flat. This could go on for over an hour. The wardens tried to stop her going out on days when she said she was going to find her flat, but recently this just made her vebally agressive stamping her feet. In the week before she went into respite she started going to shops and getting them to call her a taxi so she could go home. I normally found her at my house although she knew once she arrived it was mine. In that week too she pleaded with me to get her out of her flat as she hated it. I decided on respite care with advice from the wardens and carer mum had. They said it was time especially as it has been getting me down too.
I feel so guilty especially as she cries and hates where she is. I go in most days after work and at weekends. Some days are more settled than others but we have been through the scenes of her threatening to kill herself, how she thought I loved her. I lie awake at night trying to think how else I can care for her - with me, full time carer in her home - but these would be just as bad "prisons" for her. I have found a lot of your comments on past posts comforting as I am not alone. I realise that what she says and does is common to someone with dementure and that she will have better days when I think I am doing the wrong thing. However it is so hard to know what to do and to stop the guilt