Mum recently into a home

[Rosnpton]

Hi
With the best will in the world you can't manage everything that may crop up. Your mums was already getting support being in a warden flat and having carers etc.
I tried to do it all,helping mum stay at home with dad with carers and me supporting. It was only after dad had an accident,and she had to go into emergency respite we realised just how bad things were.
She is in ch-been there a year. Still doesn't accept it fully,often says hates it,packs and sits in reception waiting to be taken home,says she will kill herself etc etc.
On the plus side, we also get good visits,join in with ch activities sing a longs, fetes etc. We have learnt to always carry our I pads, and to photo,record any positives .- photo of her smiling/ eating a large messy cake/ trying to knit etc etc.we try and ignore or divert the accusations and upsets- not easy,and I'm not managing at all just recently.
We gave her an a5 diary with week to view,large lines to write on.
She sometimes puts things in it,often can't be read,but the care staff will note if been on a trip to local cafe,sat in garden etc
We also note who is visiting next-just the day not exact time, Ie. R sat.before lunch.
If she is low the carers look in her book and can say 'so and so coming tomorrow ' or 'd.came sat.that was nice.'
We always offer her the I pad open on the photo album to play with.i created a folder with care home name so anything of her in there.
When we get a few bad visits,being able to look at the photos on the I pad,which are date stamped,helps remind us that she isn't sad all of the time.does have good days etc.
Her ch also take photos regularly and share these via e mail with families so we get to see things we would otherwise miss.
My favourite -the ch set up a book club,and the local tv.and radio station went to launch it.a group photo was taken. Some residents smiling,some looking at the book they were to read, some looking slightly blank. My mum- sticking tongue out and glaring menacingly at the person taking the photo.it was the one used in the promotion!,

Try and grab hold of the good stuff and remember it,try and ignore what is hurtful or can't be changed.
Buy chocolate or wine or whatever works!
Thinking of you
Ros

 

[Godhelm]

I've not got much to add, but having moved my mother into a CH only a week ago, I count myself very lucky that Mum has so far settled quite well, and is definitely safer and having far more human contact than when she was sitting alone at home more than a 2 hour drive from either my sister or me. Before moving, she was getting very upset and frightened and saying that she wanted to go home, even though she was in the house she had lived in for nearly 30 years. So I know that even if she says that she wants to go home from the CH, she would actually be more unhappy if I were to take her back. Will still keep relying on the little white lies and distractions to avoid any upset though. Mum's attention span is so short that as long as she is kept from worrying too much about what is happening next or later, she seems happy enough talking about the weather, photos, or things in the garden.

 

[archer j]

Thank you both for your replies, advice and support. I went in tonight to see mum to find her lying on her bed crying. She asked if she should pack her bag and come home with me. We went and had a cup of tea in the lounge instead. The home carer who came on duty was lovely with her too and told her she was her favourite which cheered her up. Although where she is is really lovely - brand new and very spacious and expensive - there are only a couple on her floor who stay in the lounge all day and they go to bed at 7. Not much seems to go on on her floor so I may need to look for somewhere where there are more stimulating activities happening - she probably won't join in but at least she can see it going on and maybe she won't feel as lonely. Thanks again.

 

[Lostmylunch]

What to do next?

Hello all. My brother and I are now in this situation. After over a year of watching our mum get to the point where she just isn't safe to be left alone, ever, she moved into a home on Wednesday. Like Olivia, I live quite a distance away so I haven't been to see her yet but my brother says she's managing OK because she thinks its temporary. We may have to just keep that little white lie going.

I'd seen her two days before when we met with the mental health and social workers for a best interests meeting. She was in a bad way - wandering her neighbourhood in an anxious state looking for her (deceased) dog and talking to strangers. I accept she's now in the right place, but we're in the unenviable position of having no Lasting Power of Attorney. During the early onset of dementia, mum had agreed to this, but then subsequently overturned it and has refused ever since. We now have to go down the route of getting a court of protection order.

I'd be grateful for any practical advice anyone has on how to go about this. She has a little in savings and a half share in a shared ownership house, that we will probably have to sell quite soon to pay for her care. But we have no authority to do any of this. I'm worried now that we won't be able to get the ball moving on any of this before it's too late. I hear getting an order from the COP can take months.

Anyone else been down this road?

 

[Rosnpton]

Hi
Cop.can be fast tracked if you ring and let them know the situation and need access to pay ch etc.
Get all the forms completed on line-get the medical bit done by dr.sw.or mental health worker but again,stress urgent.
We started completing the paperwork Dec.2015.
Gave the form to mums gp.the week before Xmas.
Despite lots of phone calls-being to,d it was with the dr./ had been returned/ been lost etc we didn't get it back til mid Feb.
We sent everything recorded delivery 3rd week Feb,and got it all back early March so only about 6weeks once we submitted everything.
We then needed to get a solicitor to do certified copies of the order (you get 6 copies)with our I'd to submit to the various banks insurance companies etc.we had 6 sets made up and charged us £24.00
We felt this was worth it as most of the banks etc wanted to have a set left with them,some companies would only deal with things in the post. It meant we could be dealing with. 6 companies at the same time. I also didn't want to keep sending original passports ,driving licences etc. We had to contact 4 banks, 3 insurance companies, the pension service,her private pension co,a c
Shares co,we discovered.
We only ended up with 3 sets of paperwork being retuned to us by the time they had all be contacted also,there was a vast difference in how the cop.stuff was dealt with at each place,some with great efficiency and compassion,others with unnecessary black tape
Good luck
Ros
.

Hello all. My brother and I are now in this situation.

ver a year of watching our mum get to the point where she just isn't safe to be left alone, ever, she moved into a home on Wednesday. Like Olivia, I live quite a distance away so I haven't been to see her yet but my brother says she's managing OK because she thinks its temporary. We may have to just keep that little white lie going.

I'd seen her two days before when we met with the mental health and social workers for a best interests meeting. She was in a bad way - wandering her neighbourhood in an anxious state looking for her (deceased) dog and talking to strangers. I accept she's now in the right place, but we're in the unenviable position of having no Lasting Power of Attorney. During the early onset of dementia, mum had agreed to this, but then subsequently overturned it and has refused ever since. We now have to go down the route of getting a court of protection order.

I'd be grateful for any practical advice anyone has on how to go about this. She has a little in savings and a half share in a shared ownership house, that we will probably have to sell quite soon to pay for her care. But we have no authority to do any of this. I'm worried now that we won't be able to get the ball moving on any of this before it's too late. I hear getting an order from the COP can take months.

Anyone else been down this road?

 

[Lostmylunch]

Thanks for the advice

Thank you, Ros, this is very helpful. We're getting all the paperwork together now. We have a copy of the capacity assessment form the mental health worker that was carried out prior to the move into a care home this month. Do we also need to complete the separate form for the COP, or will that be enough, I wonder?

Hi
Cop.can be fast tracked if you ring and let them know the situation and need access to pay ch etc.
Get all the forms completed on line-get the medical bit done by dr.sw.or mental health worker but again,stress urgent.
We started completing the paperwork Dec.2015.
Gave the form to mums gp.the week before Xmas.
Despite lots of phone calls-being to,d it was with the dr./ had been returned/ been lost etc we didn't get it back til mid Feb.
We sent everything recorded delivery 3rd week Feb,and got it all back early March so only about 6weeks once we submitted everything.
We then needed to get a solicitor to do certified copies of the order (you get 6 copies)with our I'd to submit to the various banks insurance companies etc.we had 6 sets made up and charged us £24.00
We felt this was worth it as most of the banks etc wanted to have a set left with them,some companies would only deal with things in the post. It meant we could be dealing with. 6 companies at the same time. I also didn't want to keep sending original passports ,driving licences etc. We had to contact 4 banks, 3 insurance companies, the pension service,her private pension co,a c
Shares co,we discovered.
We only ended up with 3 sets of paperwork being retuned to us by the time they had all be contacted also,there was a vast difference in how the cop.stuff was dealt with at each place,some with great efficiency and compassion,others with unnecessary black tape
Good luck
Ros
.

 

[Rosnpton]

Hi
I would ring the cop for advice. They may accept the form as the medical evidence so don't need to go to the gps.etc
Tell 0115 934 2700
You can email but the 'ping back' advises they can take up to 10 working days to get back.
Email. laydeputysupport@publicguardian.gsi.gov.uk

On a positive- I sent first years accounts to then 22march and heard back last week everything ok and accepted etc.
One thing I would suggest- and I didn't know to do this until account submitted-scan every single bank statement,letter received etc as they 'choose'what evidence to support the account audit they need to see after you have submitted the report.
I also had an excel sheet going of visa, direct debits etc and scanned all receipts in. Now they have accepted the account,these old bits can be deleted and originals shredded.

Good luck
Ros

Thank you, Ros, this is very helpful. We're getting all the paperwork together now. We have a copy of the capacity assessment form the mental health worker that was carried out prior to the move into a care home this month. Do we also need to complete the separate form for the COP, or will that be enough, I wonder?

 

[canary]

Thank you, Ros, this is very helpful. We're getting all the paperwork together now. We have a copy of the capacity assessment form the mental health worker that was carried out prior to the move into a care home this month. Do we also need to complete the separate form for the COP, or will that be enough, I wonder?

I suspect that the CoP will want the form filled - they did with me. Assuming that they do, you should be able to get the Mental Health Worker to fill in the form - GPs dont like doing it if someone else has done a capacity assessment.

 

[olivia1]

Thanks HillyBily!
Hello archer j, sorry not to post again for such a long time - I stopped using the site so much but back again. Yes, the feeling of guilt is huge. I don't believe that being a full-time carer for a parent with dementia is at all practical because the disease gets worse and more demanding. Even if your Mum was 100% healthy would you live with her again? I sometimes look at my Mum and feel so awful because now she's sometimes in terrible pain and I wish I could stay with her and be in the room while she sleeps. But, I have to get on with life too. I can't stop my life - otherwise what would happen to my life? It sounds as though your Mum should be in care because her behaviour is possibly a little wayward and she needs a lock on her door to stop her trying to move back to another home. I have no idea how advanced her dementia is, she sounds fairly coordinated. My Mum was pretty good for a CH when she went in at first, but I'd say after 6 months of improving in that environment and becoming happier , I thought. I could see she was safer and doing things (like reading books) she had stopped doing at home. But, she would always be wanting to leave and come back home. Threats to kill herself are definitely very worrying but perhaps she is saying that unawares to make you take her home or else. It isn't fair to do that to you but she doesn't know any more how hurtful these comments are, we know it's the disease talking, not her. Try to do the thing that will be the safest thing for your Mum, we are many months down the road and I feel sure you will have taken some action now. Good luck and take care of you xxx