Mum not dealing with dads diagnosis at all.

[lego71]

HI everyone. my first time on any forum! Dad was recently kind of diagnosed with dementia, don't know what type yet. Problem is my mum is so nasty to him, it's like she resents him. She talks down to him and constantly reminds him of what he can't do. Has anyone else experienced this?

 

[snowygirl]

Hi Lego71

My dad was diagnosed in Jan and my mum can be horrible to him too. She sometimes treats him like a naughty child and can be mean at times. She too has memory problems so its not easy for her and I think being with him 24/7 can be a big strain on their lives. I try to remember how my mum must be feeling when she behaves this way. She is losing the man she has shared her life with for over 50 years and I guess she is sad, hurt and grieving in a way. I'm also guessing that being angry over the whole situation can make her be like this. Other times I see the glimpses of the love that they still share by the odd touch or funny moment. Its a really hard time for them both as it is for your parents.

 

[lin1]

Hello Lego71. . Welcome to TP.
I am sorry to hear about your Dad and how Mum is with your Dad.
I don't have any personal experience but have read on here with others who's parent behaved the same.

Perhaps Mum has not yet fully understood/accepted that your dad is ill or what dementia can do to a person.
I am also wondering if Mum could be worn out with it all, as often symptoms start long before the first visit to the GP.

I am sure others will be along later, who may be of more help than me.
So please keep checking back here.

Also feel free to ask any questions

 

[lego71]

HI everyone. my first time on any forum! Dad was recently kind of diagnosed with dementia, don't know what type yet. Problem is my mum is so nasty to him, it's like she resents him. She talks down to him and constantly reminds him of what he can't do. Has anyone else experienced this?

Thanks Snowygirl, I get that's it hard for her but it is for all of us. I try to tell her that he's not the same as he used to be but she is relentless in her nastieness towards him. I go and see them every day and every day i come home and cry. she's taken all his choice's away from him and treats him like a child. She just keeps saying that her life is over. He on the other hand has had to give up work and told he can't drive anymore.

 

[lego71]

Hello Lego71. . Welcome to TP.
I am sorry to hear about your Dad and how Mum is with your Dad.
I don't have any personal experience but have read on here with others who's parent behaved the same.

Perhaps Mum has not yet fully understood/accepted that your dad is ill or what dementia can do to a person.
I am also wondering if Mum could be worn out with it all, as often symptoms start long before the first visit to the GP. I am sure others will be along later, who may be of more help than me.
So please keep checking back here.

Also feel free to ask any questions

Thanks Lin1, it's so good to talk to people going through the same thing. Think my mum thought my dad would look after her but it hasn't worked out that way.

 

[Katrine]

That's what I was thinking about why she's angry. There is a concept called the Psychological Contract. It's usually applied to employment situations, but it also applies to personal relationships. It's where there are unwritten rules and expectations about the future, based on verbal assurances, and also on past experiences and cultural norms. When this contract is broken we feel cheated; we resist, complain and finally grieve for what we thought we were going to have.

It's very tough for your Mum to accept that she will eventually become the only adult in the marriage, where she expected to go on in partnership. However, this situation will evolve over time. She appears to be punishing him by taking away all his choices too soon, rather than assisting him to be as independent as possible while he is able to. He's going to be unhappy with scolding and control, and I guess this is what is so upsetting to see.

I can imagine myself saying to my mum - he's not done anything wrong. I think she would have said - but what about me, this is so dreadful for me. She would also have been so risk averse that she would have been over controlling with regard to safety.

I didn't have to deal with a situation like yours, I am just imagining how they would have behaved, based on my mum's past behaviour and attitudes. I know she would never have listened to me. "It's not your place to interfere between us" would have been the response.

I would have needed to involve wise friends of hers, her minister, and perhaps a counsellor. Is there anyone your mum would listen to? She needs to have her own feelings heard and to express her anger before she can help your dad. At the moment she feels competitive so she won't give way and acknowledge his needs.

 

[Linbrusco]

Hi Lego71, in my case its Mum 73 with mild/moderate Alzheimers and Dad 76 with we suspect cognitive impairment who cannot accept, understand... Not sure which... mums condition.
In his case his disagreeable personality & behaviour pre Mums diagnosis has doubled.

He helps her with housework, making beds, gets her breakfast & cooks main meals etc but is nasty when it comes to her memory and repeating herself. Makes sarcastic comments about what she can no longer do.

It is a constant battle, and quite frankly I get fed up having to tell him off and act as a referee between the pair of them.
I went with Dad to see his GP the other week, as he is needing surgery soon.
GP asked him how things were at home with Mum...
He said " Great!"
Told the GP exactly how things were, and he is going to arrange for Mum & Dad to have a Needs Assesment, and Alzheimers Key Worker to see Dad again.

I can see a point where Mum will need Residential Care sooner than later, because Dad will not cope with any stage beyond what she is now.

 

[Kevinl]

HI everyone. my first time on any forum! Dad was recently kind of diagnosed with dementia, don't know what type yet. Problem is my mum is so nasty to him, it's like she resents him. She talks down to him and constantly reminds him of what he can't do. Has anyone else experienced this?

Just bullying I guess, happens a lot to people who are diagnosed like your Dad, some women see it as payback time. Possibly she's just not happy seeing him get all the attention, take it slowly and try to work out the dynamics of what is actually occurring, question her behaviour and see if you can get to the core of the problem and sort it from there.
K

 

[lynnie1]

My mum was the same when my dad was diagnosed. We persuaded her to have some counselling which helped a little ( as it was centred around her). She thought my dad was lazy and wouldn't give him food. He used to "steal" it when she was asleep. Social services were involved and eventually he ended up in emergency respite care and is now in a care home. My mum resents every penny that costs.

Sent from my GT-N7105 using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Owly]

Have a read about the so-called Victim triangle, consisting of victim (Dad), rescuer (Mum) and persecutor (also Mum, resenting being rescuer.)

http://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

It would help her to step back, and not rescue so much, and then the need to persecute would also lessen.

It may also help her to have "time off", or some kind of support so that she can "get off the triangle" for periods of time and disengage from this circular drama.

 

[snowygirl]

I think my mum did get jealous at one time of the attention we were giving dad especially in the first few months. She did at one point hint that we as siblings loved him more than her which is ridiculous. They were meant to be having post diagnostic counselling but they haven't yet and I am going to raise this at dad's next consultants apt next week. I think it would be good for mum to be able to talk things through as I'm sure she finds it hard to understand dad's alzheimers. Maybe Lego this would help your mum too.

 

[snowygirl]

Can anyone tell me what a needs assessment is and an Alzheimer's key worker?

 

[Dave K]

Hi lego71

I am sorry you are stuck in the middle of this terrible disease and the conflict between your Mum and Dad

I too am caring for my wife that has AD but I must confess that I too was horrible to my wife for a couple of years before a investigation and finally a diagnosis was confirmed

Yes, I am not proud of this and I am "Man" enough say that I shouted, screamed, said absolutely horrible things time after time for 2 years, not all the time but I was ashamed of my actions and would go to bed (first) regretting everything I said

After a few years I began to realise that in the morning my wife did not remember any conflict the night before and kept on asking what was wrong with me, well I then really felt bad, then the penny clicked, OMG my wife has a form or AD

I suspected this for the last year, even said it to here face on many occasions (in anger) the problem was my ignorance or lack of knowledge on AD as is slowly creeps up on you over the years, but one day the penny clicked for me so I sought help for my wife

This went down like a lead balloon with my wife as she says she is not old enough to have AD. I have since learned that AD is not an age disease, it is a brain disease that can affect anyone of any age

I too, like your Mum was horrible to my wife as I could not understand why my wife (in my mind) was being like she is now, after 22 years of marriage I thought she just had it in for me or turned into a nasty person just to "Bump" me off early for the insurance, really, everything but the truth went through my mind

Once I clicked, around 12 months ago, I realised that no matter how much I go on or shout or try to be clever, I would never win, I lost every time, I lost arguments, I lost my will to live and really felt like just giving up

Sorry, if this is long winded, I just need to tell you how I felt before and after any AD diagnosis, it is a roller coaster for close family members / spouses as unless you have had first hand information or have gone through it then you will never have conception of what this non age related disease can do to the sufferer or family members

Please try to get your Mum to sit down for a while and read some of the really sad but true stories that we are going through, even I have received so much positive support using this TP (recently too) which saved me from giving up (Thanks to all members that have helped me)

In a nutshell:

Family members / spouses can be in denial even when knowing the diagnosis, on a personal note we have 4 grown up kids (out of their teens) and only 1 of them has accepted my wife's (his mothers) disease

It is better to just bear with the disease, then come to this TP to vent anger, frustration or ask questions, as believe me you only have to wait seconds for a sympathetic ear / reply

I wish I found about this forum 2 years ago

 

[lego71]

Thanks to everyone who has replied. She's got an appointment coming up with her GP so hopefully she'll tell him how she's feeling. Frightened the life out of me yesterday, said she wanted to set the house on fire with them both in it!

 

[Linbrusco]

Can anyone tell me what a needs assessment is and an Alzheimer's key worker?

Sorry I tend to forget, I am from New Zealand.
A Needs Assesment is organised through our hospital, as to what you may require in the way of home help, personal care, respite care, nursing care, home modifications or referrals to other community organisations.
Alzheimer Key Worker is assigned to you for anything Alzheimers related. Workshops, Carers meetings, home visits etc