Dealing with Mum

[ljd]

My Mum has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, we are waiting to have confirmation of what type it is.
My problem is we've always had a difficult and dodgy relationship at the best of times but now it's under more pressure than before.
Mum has always been in control of both her life and until recently tried to be in control of mine too.
To cut a very long story short, she tried to take over my life after my first divorce to the point of not coming to my second wedding at all and trying to split my husband and I up. So as you can imagine things can get a bit strained!!
She is a complete loner, hates outsiders wont let them in the house, still lets me in on conditions, can be very aggressive and extremely rude to both me and others.
I tend to ignore this behaviour when directed at me but I do ask her to be nice when we are out.
My problem is she is stating to become dirty in her personal hygiene and in the house, the toilet is just yuk and her sheets haven't been changed and are dirty.
She wont let me do anything to help and wont let me arrange a cleaner to come in, she still lives alone, and I go over twice a week to take her shopping.
Everything is such a battle of wills and it's exhausting.
My husband has noticed how stressed I am after a day with her, but it's like a never ending cycle, she needs help but won't let me or anyone else help her.
Does anyone have any tips I can use to get her to be more happy to accept some help.
Do I just force the issue and push an already strained relationship?

 

[Pear trees]

My relationship with my mother has always been strained, due to her totally selfish self centred personality, only interested in herself. I took the view that since it was already bad nothing I did could make it worse, especially when she slammed the door in our face and told us to bu**er off!
She hardly ever did housework or cooking even before dementia, and it got progressively worse with dementia. My husband talks to her while I do a whirlwind clean, then we swap over and he does some more. We just distract her with tea and cakes. She is never grateful, just accuses us of stealing her food and money and moans that no one does anything for her.
Just thinking about my mum brings on a panic attack, seeing her is ten times worse!

 

[fizzie]

This is really useful http://www.ocagingservicescollabora...te-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired.pdf
hard to do but really works - I had it on my fridge as a constant reminder.
If I needed my Ma to do something that I knew she wouldn't want to then I always blamed someone else like 'the doctor says you must go to a day centre for a couple of days a week because it will make a difference to your helath' - the doctor was a always a good bet even though she ended up loathing our GP lol - I did explain to the GP why!!!

 

[ljd]

Thanks Fizzie
I will give that a go. I have found I have become a master at not looking surprised when she floors me with a comment, or does something really strange.
I think I'm developing good acting skills!!

 

[beverrino]

Thanks Fizzie
I will give that a go. I have found I have become a master at not looking surprised when she floors me with a comment, or does something really strange.
I think I'm developing good acting skills!!

its amazing how we as carers adapt to the constant changes. I have learned so much on this journey so far but still find it hard when I have to 'lie' to mum - it just feels wrong. When I leave her and my sister will be visiting the next day I used to say that I wasn't coming and sis was - this brought all sorts of upset and anxiety, so now I just say 'see you tomorrow', even when I know I am not. By the time my sister arrives it is just normal to her.
I know its not a massive thing, in the scheme of things.
fizzie - I like the idea of saying 'the doctor says' I think that would work for my mum too.
good luck ljd and fizzie and everyone else dealing with this

 

[Tiger lily]

My sister & I has put antibacterial wipes in the bathroom and we give a wipe when we need to use the loo. Also when we make coffee/tea for her, we have another packet of wipes for the kitchen units.

 

[ljd]

My sister & I has put antibacterial wipes in the bathroom and we give a wipe when we need to use the loo. Also when we make coffee/tea for her, we have another packet of wipes for the kitchen units.

It's distressing to see how unclean my Mum has become, I desperately want to clean for her and keep her clean too.
I don't think she knows how to use the washing machine anymore. I saw a bill for a repair man back in the spring which said basically said she was putting the tablets in the drawer, prewash part instead of the barrel. so they weren't dissolving properly. it cost her over £100 to tell her there was nothing wrong with the machine. She hid that bill but I found it !
If I suggest any cleaning she has such an argument with me, but I'm sure people must think I don't care, because she goes out with dirty clothes and I see them looking at her and me!!
She used to be so house proud, it's such a shame