Help!

[Gunnerchick]

I care for my 83 year old mum, who has been diagnosed with stage 6 Alzheimer’s. I tend to do ok, but this one has me stumped. What do any of you do, or how do you cope when the sufferer wants to go somewhere, when thst is simply not possible. Mum thinks she’s living back in her home town, which is at the other end of the country, and wants to go to places from her childhood when we don’t live there. She think it’s just a short walk, and my worry is if she does go out, she’s going to get lost, disorientated and even more confused, and the worst is going to happen. She constantly wants to “go home”, when she already is and I don’t know what to say, or how to handle it. Any suggestions would be sooo gratefully received, as I feel lost on this.
J x

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hello and welcome to the Dementia Support Forum @Gunnerchick This wanting to go home is quite common, what your mum is remembering is a time and place when she would have felt safe, not the confusion that she now feels because of the dementia. It is hard to deal with, all you can to is to try and give a holding reply such as it's too cold today we will go tomorrow, the buses are not running today we will have to wait until tomorrow and so on . It really is not easy.
If your mum is inclined to wander it really is something to worry about, some of our members have used devices such as air tags or other devices to keep track of their family members in case they do wander off.
I am sure that other members who have had experience of this will come along with advice.

 

[jennifer1967]

I care for my 83 year old mum, who has been diagnosed with stage 6 Alzheimer’s. I tend to do ok, but this one has me stumped. What do any of you do, or how do you cope when the sufferer wants to go somewhere, when thst is simply not possible. Mum thinks she’s living back in her home town, which is at the other end of the country, and wants to go to places from her childhood when we don’t live there. She think it’s just a short walk, and my worry is if she does go out, she’s going to get lost, disorientated and even more confused, and the worst is going to happen. She constantly wants to “go home”, when she already is and I don’t know what to say, or how to handle it. Any suggestions would be sooo gratefully received, as I feel lost on this.
J x

hi, we use love lies eg. its too late/cold/dark/early pick whichever to go now but maybe we can go tomorrow. the cars broken down, the road is closed off, whatever she will accept. distraction maybe tea and cake are good. going home may not be a former home but childhood home or a place that she thinks she wont get confused in. with that, it would be the same thing, maybe tomorrow.

 

[Sphynx]

As above, and know that most of us here have experienced this. It can be really distressing. I used to tell my Mum we were on holiday and we would be going home ‘soon’. Mostly it calmed her down. Make sure she can’t get out to wander as, like you say, she might not be able to manage to get help or get herself home.

 

[Neveradullday!]

Hi, @Gunnerchick
Wanting to go home is very common. One way of dealing with it is to go for a short drive or walk round the block to 'go home'. I did take my mum for a short walk when she was insistent about going home one evening. In my case this didn't work.

When we arrived home she refused to come in. In the end our next door neighbour had to take her in and persuade her to come back in her own house! But as I say, this approach has worked for some.

What I normally do now is just say "you're in your own home, this is it." I did this earlier this evening and it worked (it normally does).
Christmas Eve was different - "I'll have to go home soon."
No reassurance would convince her. She became insistent. In the end, she stood still in the middle of the room for at least 45 minutes (this rarely happens). I knew the best thing was not to say anything. 45 minutes later, I asked her if she wanted a cup of tea. "Yes please." And it was all over - no more request to go home. She was settled and happy.

 

[canary]

Hello @Gunnerchick

Wanting to "go home" is almost universal in the later stages of dementia.

When your mum asks to go home, or to visit places from her childhood, what she is really asking for is to go back to a time and place before dementia where she felt safe, so she can leave all the confusion of dementia behind - not realising that she would simply take it with her.

My mum wanted to go home to her childhood home (which was bombed in the war) and she thought all her family (by which she meant her long dead parents and siblings) were just waiting for her. Truly a mission impossible!

Its difficult to know how to answer this. I used to use distraction or come up with some "reason" why we couldnt go now - too cold/hot/dark/wet to travel, road works, car playing up, or in your case a bad back/hip/foot, having to cook dinner, whatever would sound reasonable to her - and say we could go "tomorrow". Then tomorrow say the same thing as she didnt remember.

 

[Hebridean Lass]

I care for my 83 year old mum, who has been diagnosed with stage 6 Alzheimer’s. I tend to do ok, but this one has me stumped. What do any of you do, or how do you cope when the sufferer wants to go somewhere, when thst is simply not possible. Mum thinks she’s living back in her home town, which is at the other end of the country, and wants to go to places from her childhood when we don’t live there. She think it’s just a short walk, and my worry is if she does go out, she’s going to get lost, disorientated and even more confused, and the worst is going to happen. She constantly wants to “go home”, when she already is and I don’t know what to say, or how to handle it. Any suggestions would be sooo gratefully received, as I feel lost on this.
J x

Is she used to carrying a phone? I can track my husband on his phone, and he does tend to always have it on him.

 

[Gunnerchick]

Hello and welcome to the Dementia Support Forum @Gunnerchick This wanting to go home is quite common, what your mum is remembering is a time and place when she would have felt safe, not the confusion that she now feels because of the dementia. It is hard to deal with, all you can to is to try and give a holding reply such as it's too cold today we will go tomorrow, the buses are not running today we will have to wait until tomorrow and so on . It really is not easy.
If your mum is inclined to wander it really is something to worry about, some of our members have used devices such as air tags or other devices to keep track of their family members in case they do wander off.
I am sure that other members who have had experience of this will come along with advice.

Thank you for taking the time to reply with your advice. I really appreciate it. Xxxx

 

[Gunnerchick]

hi, we use love lies eg. its too late/cold/dark/early pick whichever to go now but maybe we can go tomorrow. the cars broken down, the road is closed off, whatever she will accept. distraction maybe tea and cake are good. going home may not be a former home but childhood home or a place that she thinks she wont get confused in. with that, it would be the same thing, maybe tomorrow.

Jennifer1967. Thank you for taking the time to reply and offer your advice. I truly appreciate it. Xxxx

 

[Gunnerchick]

As above, and know that most of us here have experienced this. It can be really distressing. I used to tell my Mum we were on holiday and we would be going home ‘soon’. Mostly it calmed her down. Make sure she can’t get out to wander as, like you say, she might not be able to manage to get help or get herself home.

Thank you, Sphynx, for taking the time to share your insight, I really do appreciate it, makes me feel less alone. Xxxx

 

[Gunnerchick]

Hi, @Gunnerchick
Wanting to go home is very common. One way of dealing with it is to go for a short drive or walk round the block to 'go home'. I did take my mum for a short walk when she was insistent about going home one evening. In my case this didn't work.

When we arrived home she refused to come in. In the end our next door neighbour had to take her in and persuade her to come back in her own house! But as I say, this approach has worked for some.

What I normally do now is just say "you're in your own home, this is it." I did this earlier this evening and it worked (it normally does).
Christmas Eve was different - "I'll have to go home soon."
No reassurance would convince her. She became insistent. In the end, she stood still in the middle of the room for at least 45 minutes (this rarely happens). I knew the best thing was not to say anything. 45 minutes later, I asked her if she wanted a cup of tea. "Yes please." And it was all over - no more request to go home. She was settled and happy.

Never dull day, thank you so much for taking the time to share this with me, it is invaluable, as I have no clue what I’m doing with this, and often feel totally isolated since it became apparent that this is what was affecting her. It’s heartbreaking to watch and so difficult, because it feels like you’re grieving the loss of that person, but they are right in front of you. I have no clue how confused she must be. Xxxx

 

[Alisongs]

I care for my 83 year old mum, who has been diagnosed with stage 6 Alzheimer’s. I tend to do ok, but this one has me stumped. What do any of you do, or how do you cope when the sufferer wants to go somewhere, when thst is simply not possible. Mum thinks she’s living back in her home town, which is at the other end of the country, and wants to go to places from her childhood when we don’t live there. She think it’s just a short walk, and my worry is if she does go out, she’s going to get lost, disorientated and even more confused, and the worst is going to happen. She constantly wants to “go home”, when she already is and I don’t know what to say, or how to handle it. Any suggestions would be sooo gratefully received, as I feel lost on this.
J x

Could you distract Mumwith a Home Corner or Drawer or Cupboard and gather together photos, postcards and pictures, maps, brochure, guidebooks, TV recordings etc. of her preferred places, to put in scrapbook together and draw on her memories to add captions? Once collected together, she might be content with the distraction of planning an outing "for later in the year" and explaining her memories to family, friends and visitors. You could add a scrapbook book of where she lives now, to reinforce where she actually is.