Dad diagnosed with Early Stage Alzheimers, Mum not at all sympathetic!

[queenie64]

Thank you @mickeyplum and @Champers for your very wise words. It’s such a comfort in these mad times to be able to connect with people who understand. I think you might have a point about the generational thing, it’s true that every generation deals and sees things differently. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t have any empathy for dad, she just thinks he’s being lazy because he isn’t the same as he was ten years ago. She thinks of mental illness as just being crazy! Not a slow process of small changes, but she thinks of someone who has a mental illness as out of control running around with a machete type thing! Anyway, we have an appointment tomorrow so will see what the doctor suggests. Thank you all for your very kind advice, it’s really comforting and very much appreciated. My brother has just rung me from Italy and told me to go round as “mum is going mental” ? shouting at dad and being generally vile. I told him that this is now the norm and he was taken aback! I am totally exhausted with it all ? thank you so much again ❤️❤️

 

[lemonbalm]

Oh dear @queenie64 . This all sounds horribly familiar. I hope things have calmed down by the time you get there. I agree that our parents are from an age when mental health wasn't discussed and seen as almost a kind of weakness, as was seeking or needing help. A tough and stubborn generation. I hope all goes well at the appointment tomorrow. Let us know how things are going - and be kind to yourself whenever you get the chance. Small treats and lots of them - walks, gardening, tea and cake, glass of wine, whatever works for you.

 

[queenie64]

Oh dear @queenie64 . This all sounds horribly familiar. I hope things have calmed down by the time you get there. I agree that our parents are from an age when mental health wasn't discussed and seen as almost a kind of weakness, as was seeking or needing help. A tough and stubborn generation. I hope all goes well at the appointment tomorrow. Let us know how things are going - and be kind to yourself whenever you get the chance. Small treats and lots of them - walks, gardening, tea and cake, glass of wine, whatever works for you.

That’s very kind of you, thank you very much ? I didn’t have a clue how awful things could get. Am expecting mum will be diagnosed with depression or bi polar, as every day is a roller coaster. Today I am wondering how much longer this is going to go on for, isn’t that awful? ? I have so much admiration for everyone on here who are coping so well with their given situations. Wishing you well ??

 

[Weasell]

I was wondering what life is like for your dad ‘ behind closed doors’?
Is there any way he could be booked into a care home for two weeks respite to ‘give your mother a break’?
That way when it was time to go home you could have a chat to him and assess his feelings on it ?

 

[queenie64]

I was wondering what life is like for your dad ‘ behind closed doors’?
Is there any way he could be booked into a care home for two weeks respite to ‘give your mother a break’?
That way when it was time to go home you could have a chat to him and assess his feelings on it ?

Feel so sorry for my poor dad, she does nothing but berate him. He won’t go away from home though, he appears to love her and thinks she is right about all the nasty stuff she says to him. I am going to bring him to my house tomorrow and we are going to try and cook together, as he used to work as a Chef. That will keep him busy and also give him a break from the incessant abuse. I imagine it must be hell for him being alone with her, but he seems to really love her and worries about her!! I hope this isn’t something that comes to all of us, it certainly makes me want to assess my own relationship with my husband and daughters, try and make sure I don’t go down the same road. ?? thanks for your advice ??

 

[canary]

I do think that your mums reactions to your dad is pretty extreme, @queenie64 .
The only other time I have read something similar was by a lady on here (@Linbrusco ) whose mum had dementia and her dad was abusive to her mum as he couldnt understand the disease. Her dad was later diagnosed with dementia himself.

 

[Linbrusco]

@canary
Hi yes me

Hi @queenie64
Hi from New Zealand
My Mum was dx with Alzheimers 2013 at 72yrs old.
A year later Dad at 76 yrs with Cognitive Impairment.

Dad never understood or accepted Mums Alzheimers.
He used to call her awful names, and she was dumb, stupid.
He would laugh or get angry at things she did or said or couldnt.
Being a practical joker he would play tricks on her like hide her medication, hide her handbag.
I know first hand as my parents lived behind me.
He refused carers, but when Mum started having problems dressing appropriately and Dad wouldnt correct her we organised a carer for showering and dressing.
As I worked part time on the days I worked he would force Mum out of bed by 6am to shower and dress when carer came, he could then send her away. ( found this out, as Mum came over early before I went to work.
He would let Mum go off up the shops on her own as he couldn't understand why as she always has. My husband who has health issues too, and at home, would have to run after Mum to bring her home.
It got so awful I was literally in peices, crying, got shingles.
It got to the point where Mum was scared of Dad and threatening to put a knife in her bedside drawer.

That was the final straw and Mums been in care 4 yrs.
A year after Dads cognitive impairment was reassesed as Mild Mixed Dementia.
Mum settled really well in care. Personally I think the anxiety of not living with Dad was lifted.

Dads not far off care himself now, having been hospitalised twice in 8 weeks and dx with Prostate Cancer ( becoming incontinent)
However despite being chair/bed bound, no mobility, no speech, sleeps majority of the time, Dad still thinks Mum will get better and come home soon.
Telling him she is sick, has a brain disease and needs 24 hour Nursing Care does not compute.

 

[queenie64]

hi @Linbrusco and thank you so much for your reply!
so sorry its taken so long to at least say thank you!
That is such a heartbreaking story you have recounted, and terribly hard for you to have had to witness.
I had suspected my mother might have had dementia too, but i have had her checked and they have found no indication of memory loss.
She still continues to be nasty to him, and they are not accepting any outside help, which they most definitely need, as do i!
I am at my wits end with it all, my mum has absolutely no recognition of the hurt she is causing me and my daughters!, aswell as my poor father. Everything seems to be about her. Even when my dad isnt being annoying, she still calls him horrible names and is generally unpleasant.
He now has a nasty chest infection, and its down to me to make sure he takes his meds, especially as he is asthmatic. I have tried to empathise, but have come to the conclusion that i am just unlucky enough to have a self centred mother, totally devoid of empathy.
I have got Attendance Allowance for them, so they get a small sum of money paid to them monthly, this should be used for home help and carers etc, but still they refuse!!
I am thinking of just not going round anymore, and then letting the Doctor deal with them. The last few weeks i am beyond desperate, cannot stop crying and have even registered with a family carers group, which is most unlike me but i cannot think of anything else i can do.
I dont really wish to bore my family and friends about it all, i actually bore myself most of the time lol
Trying hard to keep a sense of proportion with this ****!!! Its so helpful just being on here and reading other peoples stories, dont feel quite so alone.
Am soooo very grateful to you and @canary and everyone else who has commented. It really does help me feel a little more normal!!
wishing you all a happy new year!! if thats not too much to ask after an awful 2020

xxxx

 

[canary]

I had suspected my mother might have had dementia too, but i have had her checked and they have found no indication of memory loss.

Not all types of dementia have memory loss. I do get cross about this, because most people (even medical people who should know better) seem to think that dementia = memory loss and it isnt always true. If the dementia is located in the frontal lobes (for example) then the memory can stay until quite late in the progression and the symptoms are - change in the personality, apathy, lose of empathy and difficulty in making decisions.

BTW, I am assuming here, that someone else went with her to the memory clinic and can confirm what was said to her. If she went on her own and is reporting back, then TBH, it may not be accurate. OH was telling me all sorts of things that he said the doctors had told him and I believed him until I suddenly discovered that it was all a pack of lies

 

[queenie64]

Not all types of dementia have memory loss. I do get cross about this, because most people (even medical people who should know better) seem to think that dementia = memory loss and it isnt always true. If the dementia is located in the frontal lobes (for example) then the memory can stay until quite late in the progression and the symptoms are - change in the personality, apathy, lose of empathy and difficulty in making decisions.

BTW, I am assuming here, that someone else went with her to the memory clinic and can confirm what was said to her. If she went on her own and is reporting back, then TBH, it may not be accurate. OH was telling me all sorts of things that he said the doctors had told him and I believed him until I suddenly discovered that it was all a pack of lies

hi @canary and thank you very much for your insight!! i did go to the GP with her when they did the test, and she answered everything correctly. Also, i mentioned the possibility of her being Bipolar, which they said she wasnt!! either way, her behaviours are definitely not normal, and have been going on for years now. This weekend, i actually lost my temper and shouted at her as she was being so cruel to my father, i couldnt stand it any longer!!
I have now written an email to her GP, as i cant get hold of anyone from Customer First!!
She needs a mental health assessment, as she threatens suicide quite alot, screams like a banshee and is generally extremely difficult to cope with.
The whole thing is just bloody awful beyond expectation, and i cannot believe that there are so many people going through the same horrendous ordeal, because it IS an ordeal for the Carer, as well as the ill person.
Although a little macabre, it is comforting to read other peoples experiences as you then dont feel quite so isolated in your private hell.
Thanking you so much for your input, alway very much appreciated!!
Best wishes and all things lovely to you ?

 

[lemonbalm]

Oh @queenie64 . I do feel for you. When my father was dying of cancer at home, I moved him into a nursing home mainly to get him away from mum who was being so vile to him. She just seemed to be irritated that he was lying in bed and unable to do anything. I feel terrible saying that but it's true. Looking back, I don't think she actually understood that Dad was so ill or perhaps she had lost any empathy by that point.

Mum was eventually diagnosed with vascular dementia years later after a stroke. I'm sure that she had an underlying mental issue for many years before then - perhaps very early signs of dementia. I hope the GP is supportive and can help.

Good luck - and keep posting for advice and support.

 

[Linbrusco]

Hi @queenie64
Sorry to hear things have progressed and you are going through such stress and worry.
Since I last posted my Dad was admitted to hospital again and is now in permanent care where my Mum is. I had my reservations but at least Mum is in the Hospital unit and Dad is in the Rest Home.
With the test that your Mum had I also feel the outcome could entirely depend on the type of test taken,
It can either be a basic memory 10/10 , a memory/spatial awareness/language skills 30/30 , or a comprehensive 100/100 one.
The more comprehensive 100 one plus a background from family and given there usual personality traits would more than likely give a different diagnosis.
Carers take Dad up to see Mum twice a day. Dad still thinks Mum will get better.
She currently has an upper respiratory infection. A worrying time ?

 

[queenie64]

Oh @queenie64 . I do feel for you. When my father was dying of cancer at home, I moved him into a nursing home mainly to get him away from mum who was being so vile to him. She just seemed to be irritated that he was lying in bed and unable to do anything. I feel terrible saying that but it's true. Looking back, I don't think she actually understood that Dad was so ill or perhaps she had lost any empathy by that point.

Mum was eventually diagnosed with vascular dementia years later after a stroke. I'm sure that she had an underlying mental issue for many years before then - perhaps very early signs of dementia. I hope the GP is supportive and can help.

Good luck - and keep posting for advice and support.

gosh, that must have been so difficult for you! That is how my mother is with my dad, constantly irritated and lacks understanding. It is totally heartbreaking isnt it? as an outsider, i would say what an awful woman my mother is, but as daughters, we just overlook the dreadful behaviour, and carry on out of love. It is such a toxic environment for everyone, i find myself exhausted, and wondering just how long do i have to put up with this for, then feeling guilty about having such thoughts. I worry so much about the pattern repeating itself, and me putting my daughters through the same cycle How do we avoid doing that i wonder ? i console myself with the fact that there are so many lovely older people, who are contented and kind to their ailing partner, think we just have to hold onto that and be hopeful history doesnt repeat itself.
Sincerly hope all is peaceful in your life, and wishing you all the best.
Thank you again xx

 

[queenie64]

Hi @queenie64
Sorry to hear things have progressed and you are going through such stress and worry.
Since I last posted my Dad was admitted to hospital again and is now in permanent care where my Mum is. I had my reservations but at least Mum is in the Hospital unit and Dad is in the Rest Home.
With the test that your Mum had I also feel the outcome could entirely depend on the type of test taken,
It can either be a basic memory 10/10 , a memory/spatial awareness/language skills 30/30 , or a comprehensive 100/100 one.
The more comprehensive 100 one plus a background from family and given there usual personality traits would more than likely give a different diagnosis.
Carers take Dad up to see Mum twice a day. Dad still thinks Mum will get better.
She currently has an upper respiratory infection. A worrying time ?

Poor you and poor mum having a respiratory infection!! such a worry during these Covid times. I wonder, has she had a vaccination yet ? my parents are having their second jab this saturday.

Thanks for the test information! its all so complicated, and there is just so much information to sift through, and leaflets coming at you from all directions lol. She has a telephone appointment later today with Mental Health Services, they are going to do an assessment, which im sure she will breeze through as she is quite a different person with others outside the family. Not sure how they will able to assess over the phone, but we'll see!!

Best wishes to you and your parents. I sincerely hope your mother makes a full recovery.

Look after yourself. xx

 

[InElysium]

Sorry to hear what you've been dealing with and going through. I've been away from here for a while as don't seem to have the time to sit and reflect.

I look after my Mum and Dad too, but it's my Dad that has dementia (undiagnosed). We have tried to get it diagnosed but he hates any medical interventions. We only got as far as a home visit from geriatric mental health unit but that didn't really end well as Dad got angry with them and told them rudely to leave. The Dr has since moved jobs and sent a discharge letter to GP saying he refused to engage with services. Back to square one.

@canary was right about the different symptoms / types of dementia. My Dad doesn't have memory issues but his is mostly repetitive behaviour and occasionally toxic anger. He also does not regulate temperature or appetite and eats so much. As much as we can try and only have healthy things in the house, he will flout lockdown and go and get the most saturated takeaway / sugary food. He's also non-compliant with medication so no doubt a walking ticking time bomb. There are so many other traits, I could go on, but they're mostly related to frontotemporal dementia.

Take care and look after your health too.