Loving my husband less

[Skylark/2]

Have had another tough weekend.
My husband is getting increasingly aggressive, I am waiting to see if the memory clinic will start him on Memantine. I am going to send the community nurse yet another email, stress how I am getting so anxious.
yesterday ( Saturday ) p.m his mood changed suddenly and it was because I drove ‘ his ‘ car and he couldn’t anymore and was stuck at home and I refused to take him anywhere ( 100% not true), we were out twice yesterday even though it was raining and Friday we were out for lunch. His accusations escalate, the abusive names starts, the threats, all what I have spoken about before. He’s going to sell the house, see me in the gutter
Today was a quiet day, he slept a while and complained of a headache in the afternoon. We had a day watching football on and off. More tele until 8 p.m, then he said he was off to bed ( increasingly early of late ) and I said I’d watch Antique Roadshow. He made a sarcastic. remark, went upstairs, immediately came back down, slamming doors. Internal alarm bells rang and I started to come to bed, trying to avert an arguement…….too late. It is now after 1a,m, I am resting fully clothed on the settee ( ready for escape? ) after being called the most Vile names, ordered to sit down, shut up, sleep in that room, sleep in this room, have had to sign a piece of paper saying I am staying temporarily ( I’m trying to diffuse the situation, doing anything he orders ) promise to obey the rules of the house , apologise and say how grateful I am. He’s taken my money, but I’ve hid my phone and bank cards. He says he won’t have me slagging him off day after day. Believe me it’s more than my life is worth to tell him it’sthe other way around! It’s unbareable, I.lay here dreading hearing movement from upstairs. I know it’s his dementia but this disease will drive us both to an early grave, Roll on morning and thanks for reading this .

 

[Dopey]

Skylark2 good morning! I'm going through the same experience. It's exhausting. I'm sitting here on the settee as he wants me to watch the news with him which I've been doing since 1 am. He doesn't know who I am but he did yesterday. Memantine helps but is far from the answer. You've not alone at this early hours and certainly not the only person going through this horrible experience.

 

[Hermann]

Skylark, this sounds unbearable.

When we had episodes of unruly behaviour in the past from my father we sought help from the GP and my father was prescribed a mood altering drug (not Memantine). This had a very marked calming effect on him.

I think the seriousness of what you’re dealing with there needs urgent medical attention from your GP to keep you and your husband safe from harm.

 

[Skylark/2]

The nights are SO long and lonely but I thank you for reading and understanding.
He has calmed down now but has been up and downstairs since 2.30 a.m ( as have I ) getting me a coat, scarf, gloves ready for my departure!?!? I have told him I’ll go when it gets light. Go where, I’ve no idea, I’m 77 married for 53 years and have known him since I was 16. I have no family close by, my husband’s family have drifted away since his dementia diagnosis, friends few and far between ( we didn’t need anyone else, we had each other! ) , God I sound pathetic.
The sad thing is I know it will get worse as dementia grips, God give me strength

 

[Grannie G]

You do not sound pathetic @Skylark/2. You sound devastated.

I hope he becomes exhausted by this activity and lack of sleep and will calm down eventually.

If this does not happen please phone emergency social services and ask for help.

If you Google adult social services emergency care you will get a link for your area.

 

[margherita]

Hi @Skylark/2
I can completely relate to what you say. That's what used to happen to me before my husband was moved to a care home. It seems there's no way out. Actually there's one : leave , either you or him. Nobody should be forced to endure mental or physical abuse, even if the person in question suffers from dementia. It's not his fault, but it's not yours either.

 

[Skylark/2]

Thank you everyone for your support and advice, this forum is a lifesaver!
He is dozing on the settee at present, having complained that all he had to eat during the night was a kitkat and 2 coffees and didn’t sleep a wink after he’d given 3 girls ( me ) money to leave and get a taxi! He doesn’t believe I haven’t slept either and is asking me if I intend to stay in the area! Obviously he doesn’t recognise me
Stupidly I am clinging on to the idea that I can cope alone and ‘ manage ‘ him. Frankly I stay @margherita because I can’t afford to leave, if I divorced him and sued for half his pension etc.,, he would have to go into care and then I think I would be accused of syphoning off his assets….something to do with declaration of assets…..I think I’m correct, feel free to tell me differently!
I have sent an email to the memory clinic this morning stressing how my husband is deteriorating. Fingers crossed I get a response.
thank you everyone once again.

 

[sapphire turner]

Oh no Skylark/2 this is so awful for you! I think this is more of an emergency than your husband deteriorating, please try to get some help!
When my husband became really aggressive last year I had to leave the house overnight (I turned up with the dog on the doorstep of lady that used to be our next door neighbour- she was surprised but kind and took us in) and reporting that to the dementia team seemed to set off a chain reaction of responses from social services and my GP. To be honest it didn’t come to much (apparently I wasn’t at risk enough, as I didn’t have small children and we lived in a house with more than one room) but it did result in him being changed from donepezil to memantine which has improved things quite a lot. He still has tantrums but I don’t feel so physically at risk as I did.
It is good that you are getting an emergency bag together, maybe you should leave it in the car (apart from the car keys 😹) then you can just get out and drive off if he starts up again. Even if you haven’t got anywhere to go it would be better sitting in a car park than putting up with that sort of abuse.
I approached some neighbours when things were getting bad to ask if I could come to them if I was afraid. I didn’t know them that well but they were all so kind and I feel like they are all looking out for me now.
As a last resort don’t be afraid to call the police. It didn’t come to that for me but I know that others have found them very helpful and understanding. It might bring him to whatever senses he still has left.
Thinking of you and sending love xx❤️

 

[Violet Jane]

You need urgent help, @Skylark/2. You can't go on like this. Everyone drags their heels until the carer leaves, threatens to leave or says that s/he is suicidal. Then, suddenly, everyone swings into action and things happen.

Pack a bag, arrange to go somewhere and give Social Services 48 hours notice of your departure.

We didn't have the same experience with our elderly friend but when my husband (her attorney) said that the live-in care package was breaking down because of her challenging behaviour and sleeplessness and additional care at home might not be affordable the community mental health team and OT visited her within days and I had numerous phone calls about her suggesting this and that. Additional medication was prescribed very quickly. I'm telling you this to illustrate that when you threaten a course of action that SS don't want (in this case, our friend going into a care home) things can move very quickly.

SS exploit family members' bonds of affection and sense of duty. You have to say 'no more' otherwise they will go on exploiting you.

You have endured enough. Something has to change.

 

[Violet Jane]

I think that we - and our friend - were quite fortunate. She had no close family at all and so there was nobody who could be taken advantage of. If no paid carers would care for her at home (a lot of carers wouldn't) then she would have had to move into a care home, which everyone who dealt with her wanted to avoid.

Services really do seem to vary by area.

 

[Skylark/2]

@Violet Jane and@sapphire turner. Thank you so much for your wise words, I appreciate it so much, when reading them I felt quite emotional.
I am packing a bag, leaving it with a neighbour.
Sapphire Jane, my situation sounds very similar to yours. No small children, live in a house with more than one room and my husband is on donepezil and hopefully is going to start Memantine. I am awaiting a reply from the memory clinic.
Husband is acting as though everything is hunky dory, I can’t forget so easily, increasingly so and when and if he apologises I KNOW it will happen again.
He is now suggesting a holiday to our favourite country, South Africa, DREAM ON!

 

[Violet Jane]

Do *not* book a holiday. Kick the can down the road if he keeps going on about it.

 

[Kath610]

@Violet Jane and@sapphire turner. Thank you so much for your wise words, I appreciate it so much, when reading them I felt quite emotional.
I am packing a bag, leaving it with a neighbour.
Sapphire Jane, my situation sounds very similar to yours. No small children, live in a house with more than one room and my husband is on donepezil and hopefully is going to start Memantine. I am awaiting a reply from the memory clinic.
Husband is acting as though everything is hunky dory, I can’t forget so easily, increasingly so and when and if he apologises I KNOW it will happen again.
He is now suggesting a holiday to our favourite country, South Africa, DREAM ON!

What would your husband do if you actually did leave? Would it shock him, bring him up short or would he feel aggrieved and sorry for himself?
I am in the exact same situation as you - last night my husband (Alzheimer’s) had a complete meltdown, all my fault of course (it always is) and called me awful names, swearing, telling me to F off then stamping off upstairs. Coming down after a short time to start again. Threatening to “smash” my head, break things, hit me, etc. He hasn’t - yet - but it won’t surprise me when the threats become reality.
We have been married 48 years and were best friends as well as loving each other deeply. That is now all gone thanks to dementia - I don’t love him, in fact I totally dislike him and I wish he wasn’t part of my life.
I keep my phone, car and house keys in my pocket at all times and like you, I have a bag packed. I also have a list of emergency numbers. Cards and money in my bag. If necessary, I would leave and go to a Premier Inn nearby.
It’s drastic and horrible but so is our situation. As others have said, SS will leave you to it if they possibly can but have to respond if you have actually left. And don’t be afraid to contact the police if you don’t feel safe.
Best wishes from a fellow victim who understands totally xx

 

[Skylark/2]

Do *not* book a holiday. Kick the can down the road if he keeps going on about it.

He’s stopped talking about a long haul holiday, now wants a coach holiday to Ireland. He has Irish ancestry, we had a lovely self drive holiday there years ago and has been talking on and off about returning since the beginning of the year. I said all the places were booked for summer 2023 but now I’m saying the itineraries are not ready yet for 2024! He’s not happy!!

 

[Skylark/2]

What would your husband do if you actually did leave? Would it shock him, bring him up short or would he feel aggrieved and sorry for himself?
I am in the exact same situation as you - last night my husband (Alzheimer’s) had a complete meltdown, all my fault of course (it always is) and called me awful names, swearing, telling me to F off then stamping off upstairs. Coming down after a short time to start again. Threatening to “smash” my head, break things, hit me, etc. He hasn’t - yet - but it won’t surprise me when the threats become reality.
We have been married 48 years and were best friends as well as loving each other deeply. That is now all gone thanks to dementia - I don’t love him, in fact I totally dislike him and I wish he wasn’t part of my life.
I keep my phone, car and house keys in my pocket at all times and like you, I have a bag packed. I also have a list of emergency numbers. Cards and money in my bag. If necessary, I would leave and go to a Premier Inn nearby.
It’s drastic and horrible but so is our situation. As others have said, SS will leave you to it if they possibly can but have to respond if you have actually left. And don’t be afraid to contact the police if you don’t feel safe.
Best wishes from a fellow victim who understands totally xx

Hi @Kath610 First, you have 100% my sympathy and understanding.
regarding what would my husband do if I left. Honestly I’m not sure, I walked out for a few hours recently ( I’m doing this increasingly) and when I was returning, he drove passed! He has had his license revoked, I was shocked, especially as he couldn’t remember how to turn the engine off !He wasn’t looking for me though but the ’ woman ‘ who stays overnight…..she must be getting cold!
The verbal abuse is something else, amongst other insults yesterday was I was a conniving C..t who he couldn’t trust. I’ve been pushed around, held by a scarf or a collar, had water thrown over me ( Happy Boxing Day ) but according to him it’s not abuse as he’s never hit me. Like your good self, I feel it’s only a matter of time.
He’s always had a short fuse, liked his own way but with dementia, the pause button has gone, Mr Nice Guy to full on rage in seconds.
He had a report from the hospital this morning, starting with ‘ I saw this pleasant gentleman with his wife today ‘ Pleasant gentleman, don’t make me laugh !!!
It’s good to know you and others on this forum have ‘ my back ‘ as it were. Big thank you and hug, stay strong.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

For all of you going through this - please take action!

Call emergency Adult Mental Health/Crisis Team in your area. look up the phone numbers now so you have them ready when you need them. Or call the police and tell them your husband is violently threatening you. When the police turn up, let him explain to them who you are, why you are there and why he thinks you've Done Wrong. They are used to people with dementia doing things like this. Such action will - hopefully result in your husband/OH getting sectioned, where they will assess him properly, adjust his meds, etc.

No one should be living under this sort of torture and fear. Your husband may be ill (i.e. the reason for his behaviour) but the bottom line is that you are living with an unpredictable, delusional and possibly violent person and you are at risk. That's very real and the current situation could easily escalate. It's certainly not going to improve without intervention.

 

[kindred]

Please, Jaded is right. You must take action. You cannot live like this.
I know from experience how hard it is. I thoight my only way out was to take my own life.
Please, no more of this.
With all thoughts and sympathy, kindred

 

[Veritas]

@Jaded'n'faded has it spot on.

Please, please, those of you dealing with these unbearable situations, get out now. Look back a couple of years, and think about what you’d have said if someone else had told the stories you have in this thread. You’d have been saying the same as those of us who have either been through it and come out the other side, or (like me) aren’t facing this yet but can see just how awful it is for you.

 

[Oma]

All my sympathy I’ve experiencing similar from day to day, I get up never knowing, one minute he’s fine the next the shutter come down and the red eyed devil arrives.
I had one particular afternoon with husband picking me up and pushing me out of conservatory, I was shaking all over went upstairs and shut myself in bedroom. Rang the GPs explained to receptionist who got DR to call me back she told me to have escape plan, call the police if necessary and sent a prescription to help calm things. Since then we’ve had quite a few moments, however the memory clinic now check up on us weekly and we have changed his medications so he’s calmer. We still have moments and he can turn on a sixpence but compared to before certainly an improvement. Chin up and keep asking for help, ask for medication review don’t wait for them to offer. I’ve always been someone who copes who sorted everything out, it’s been a strange turn about to be the one reaching, out but please have in mind don’t just get upset/mad get help.

 

[Skylark/2]

I am overwhelmed with all your posts offering advice, understanding and support. I thank all of you.
@Oma , your experience sounds so frightening, thank goodness you got help, it could easily have ended badly.
I emailed the memory clinic this morning , they are suggesting Memantine but have yet given the o.k, which is disappointing. I shall contact them again tomorrow, I know you have to fight on occasion to get something done.
I wish you all a peaceful good night’s sleep.