I don`t seem to be handling this very well..................

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Grannie G, May 12, 2007.

  1. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Thank you Norman,

    It sounds as if this `going home` issue is ongoing frome early to later stages. If that`s the caes, it doesn`t make it any easier to live with but has to be accepted.

    I`ll have to remeber to try not to reason with the unreasonable.

    Take care
  2. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. For what it's worth, and I'm new to all this, so please forgive me commenting, but I think the desire to go home is nothing to do with depression.

    A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with diabetes. For months and months afterwards I would constantly dream about being "at home" where I grew up. It took a while for me to realise that my subconscious wanted to return to a place where I was carefree as a child, without any of the health problems that I now have. A place where I was secure in the knowledge that someone was there to look after my every need. I found it quite laughable as I was never particularly close to my parents as a child, and couldn't wait to leave home!! But I still call the house where my parents live "home", even though I've had my own home for many, many years. :eek:

    I hope you don't mind me sharing this - it's probably something you already know!

    I hope your trip to Manchester next month goes well, and that you at least will get some comfort from taking him there.
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Thank you Beadie Jay. Strange, my husband is diabetic too.

    I suppose there is comfort in the idea of going back to places of youth or childhood when things look bleak, for the sun always shone, life was carefree and there was less sickness and disability.

    Well as an update.................

    At about 2 pm. my husband came to find me. He seemed to have `awakened` or come out of his lapse. He was trembling, hyperventilating, heart going like the clappers, tearful and bewildered.

    He knows this is home, the best place, where he is safe. He knows there is nothing for him in Manchester.

    He doesn`t know how he falls into these `lapses` or how he comes out of them, but he is grateful he doesn`t harm anybody whilst he is there.

    So we had lunch, were quite companionable, reading the papers and listening to Classic FM. All was calm.

    Now I can see by his face, he`s `going` again. I have asked if there`s anything he wants. He said `No thanks. I`ve just got to sit here and turn into a cabbage.`
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Oh Sylvia, that must be so hard to handle. No wonder Dhiren's so depressed, when he can feel these 'lapses' coming. It must be terrifying.

  5. Oh my goodness Sylvia, how awful for both of you, and how awful for your husband to think that of himself when he is one of his lapses.

    I know that my mum isn't totally aware of how her life has changed, and part of me is grateful for that, because to be aware must be like hell on earth.

    I know there is nothing I can say or do to help you, but I'm actually sitting here with tears in my eyes after reading your post. Just know I'm thinking of you.
  6. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Sylvia, can remember some 4 years ago that Lionel took himself to the doctors and complained that I had kicked him out.

    He told them such a 'tale', that they involved SS. Will not bore you with all the details, but we did receive the services of the CPN at that time.

    No help to you, but once again, in time that phase passed. Sending you love n'hugs
  7. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Hi Sylvia,

    sorry to be entering this at a late stage - had an extended trip to see Jan today.

    Firstly, I understand your desperation in this - though it was 5-7 years ago now, I remember the feelings and the situations.

    The question I would ask seriously in relation to this is: Is there a way to handle such a situation well?

    It is an impossible situation and the best we can do is squeeze through it as best we can.

    I'm not going to be able to help much when I say that all those problems left me/us when Jan went into the home. Some had already gone before she went there, but her being in the home, while breaking my heart, put dementia into a place that I could walk out of.

    Of course, those problems were replaced by a whole bunch of different new ones, but the ones you describe are some of the most desperate ones I have come across... so far.

    Having one or two true friends around is one of the key factors, and I hope you feel that you have those here on TP.

    Hi Norman

    I do hope you feel that last paragraph also applies to you, as you traverse your own desperate landscape.
  8. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Bruce, I hope both Sylvia and Norman know that they have more than one ot two true friends on TP.

    They have both given so much, and so many of us would give anything to help them, if help were possible. All we can do is support, and that support is given with love.

    I hope all is well with Jan?

  9. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    yes of course, but I always prefer to minimise, rather than exaggerate.... I also know that one or two true friends is a better thing to have than a hundred people who may have disappeared at a crucial time.

    Jan was ok today, the least good she has been, but we had our time together. Nina came too and provided her usual fantastic support.

    Thanks for asking...:)
  10. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    Sylvia: only just reading this thread and feel so sad for your situation. David is appearing more depressed lately - and seems to blame me for 'not letting him do things'. (that is not true as he just cannot do very much and when he tries he usually fails - in turn that makes him more depressed).

    Will send you a PM - we are 45 mins from centre of Manchester and if you need help you know we are near.

    Hope you are still in companiable state and no more 'lapses' for the present.
    TAKE CARE OF YOUSELF - we all need you as well as Dhiren
  11. marlene

    marlene Registered User

    Apr 20, 2007
    #31 marlene, May 12, 2007
    Last edited: May 12, 2007
    :( i feel for all of you who have replied to the oringinal post.. my mum is really depressed rite now has been for over 8 months, ( was diagnosed 3 years ago with AD) she is on an assesment ward at the moment.. seems that all the other patients who all suffer from varying degrees of AD are somewhat happy and unaware while my mum crys nearly all the time and gets so upset it can be unbearable to see her..the doctors have tried several antidepressants with out success ( were on the 4th 1 now ). she has become very paranoid too .. were hoping to have her home in a few weeks but dread the thought of coping with the depression as well as all the other things associated with AD..this is going to sound really awful but wish mum was at the stage were she wasnt aware and at least could smile again.. x:(
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    #32 Grannie G, May 12, 2007
    Last edited: May 12, 2007
    You all have so much understanding, and for this I thank you.

    This episode has been ongoing since last evening, with one or two short breaks when we were `together`.

    We ate dinner in silence.

    Then he phoned his one remaining friend in Manchester. Such animated chat. I thought `thank goodness.`
    When the call ended, I gave him a few seconds, then went and asked him what they`d chatted about.

    The shutters came down. `Nothing much`, he answered.

    I distanced myself.

    He came to me and asked,

    `Can you look in the phone book, when you have time, and look up Jamui. [Jamui is his home village in India, last seen by him 52 years ago]
    S `I can`t use the phone book, it`s only for Cantrbury`.
    D `Well can you find my phone number in Jamui`.
    S `What`s the address?`
    D `I don`t know`.
    S `Well I can`t find the number if you don`t know the address.`
    D `Paul will know. Ask him.`
    S `Paul is our son, he knows nothing about Jamui`.
    D stormed out of the room.
    S, feeling sorry for him ,` Do you think we could both go together to India to try to find your family.`
    D `What makes you think I need your help`.
    S `You sounded so happy talking to L..., I thought were feeling better now`.
    D, hitting the roof, `You`ve no idea how I feel`. and stormed out.

    So Bruce, in answer to your question, the only way I can handle this situation is to distance myself. If there are any better ways, I`ll welcome them with open arms.
    Also I remember when my mother went into the home, the problems went with her. I visited regularly and often, but as you said, could walk away when it got too much.

    Another whole day wasted.
  13. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    My dearest Sylvia, what a rough road you have right now!

    Here's a suggestion for what it's worth. Next time he asks you to look up a telephone number or address, agree to do it, but say "of course, as soon as I ...................... (fill in the blank as you like)." If and when he reminds you about it, perhaps you can "look it up" & then say the book doesn't have it, that you'll have to try something else & does he have any suggestions? Always agree but try as best as possible to divert, distract, dissemble.

    I know, Dhiren does sound too cognizant at this point to be fooled by this but every day is different. I have found that what works Monday may not work Tuesday but is effective again Wednesday. We just have to keep cycling through all of our possible responses to find the one that will work for us today.

    Much love,
  14. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    The green grass of Manchester

    Dear Sylvia, desperately sorry to read this thread and to hear how much sadness you are going through. I can't think of a single helpful thing to say, only that of course when you say your day has been wasted, you are ignoring the fact that you have been answering threads on TP with kindness and encouragement and good sense, which is far from a 'waste' for those of us lucky enough to receive or read your comments. Thank you for all the time and concern you invest in TP. If only there was a way to make you feel better yourself.
    As for fulfilling those ideal place fantasies?
    When I was made redundant I stuck all my redundancy money into buying a tiny holiday home in Sussex, slightly bigger than a caravan. ( Shhhh, this is just for your ears, I don't want any hate mail.) My mum and I had spent several Easters going away to Sussex for little holidays but it seemed a good idea to find somewhere where things wouldn't change or bustle, and just for us two. And she always loved to see the sea, which is quite a challenge from London. Buying the holiday home was a helluva worry but when I had finally bought and decorated and furnished it , the day came when I was to take her down there and spend some quality time looking at the sea and visiting old haunts.

    It turned out to be a nightmare. She DID enjoy seeing the sea and some lovely countryside and meeting one familiar face and some kind new friends, but I couldn't cope with caring for her, even for such a short time. She was up and bemused in the nights, tearful and worried in the mornings. I had completely underestimated how her care needs had changed. She was afraid I was going to leave her there and when I tried to explain what the true state of affairs was she said " It's damp here. I feel sorry for you. Take me home" :eek:

    After I got her back to her care home she had forgotten the outing in the space of about fifteen minutes and has never remembered it since.

    I know it was more my fantasy than hers, but I think the only thing I can say is try to choose the simplest thing, something that will be kind to you, because you need to understand your own boundaries and nurture your own well-being quite aside from Dhiren's needs.
    Much love,
  15. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    #35 Grannie G, May 12, 2007
    Last edited: May 12, 2007
    Thank you Joanne.

    I hope I`m not driving everyone up the wall, but here is the latest update.

    I found Jamui, India on Google Earth. I called him to see his little village of 50+ years ago, now a small town. He was thrilled. I got a kiss for that ;)

    We had mango and ice cream to celebrate. :D

    He said it`s like a fog that comes and goes without warning.

    Ten minutes later, he said when he goes to India, I can have all our money, in case he decides to stay there. :(
    I must be in his good books. :rolleyes:

    He had completely forgotten he`d phoned his friend.

    Tomorrow no matter what, I am definitely weeding the garden.
  16. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya GG,
    Sometimes the only way that we can get through a situation is to distance ourselves from it - so get out in the garden tomorrow - enjoy the fresh air, and if its raining, be thankful, cos the weeds will come out more easily!!
    Love Helen
  17. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Sylvia, I am still aching from my weeding marathon in the week, but it was so good to just immerse myself in something totally unconnected to Lionel and AD.

    Selfish, well I don't think so. It certainly made me feel a whole lot better.

    Do hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Take care, love
  18. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    Hi Sylvia

    Weeds are like Alzheimers it doesn't matter how much time and energy you spend getting rid of them, they will keep coming back, they are always there waiting to rear their (sometines ) ugly little heads. But what a sense of achievment when the effort pays off and the garden is free of them, for a while.

    Enjoy your weeding, I have no answers, as like me and all the rest of us on this journey, sharing and understanding is enough,
    Take care Bye for now
    Janetruth x
    P.S. We share the same birthday
  19. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    south lanarkshire
    Hi Sylvia

    I don't know about Dhiren's depression, but I know that whether it is Manchester or Kent, he couldn't do without, YOU!

    Take care

  20. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Jane

    Weeds are like Alzheimers.................I love it :)

    I hope you`ve put your birthday on the calendar, you might even get a cake with candles, if you`re clever enough.;)


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