I don`t seem to be handling this very well..................

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Grannie G, May 12, 2007.

  1. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    I hope you don’t mind me saying as the disease progresses in repeating, your may find it help full to ask find probe for the underlying problem anxiety or agitation in repeating the question.

    I use to do that for my mother yearly planer and show her, I thought it was all down to not retaining information, but now she still does it

    I read that it only stops when the person loses the ability to express his or own thoughts and that the behaviors can be made much worse by stress, anxiety, depression and certain medications or illnesses.

    As in if they change a day for her day center. I tell her even on that day that she not going she walk up down waiting at the door for them, so I put it all down to her forgetting, when I probe into it a bit more ask her question in why she was worried still waiting it turn out to be that she thought that they did not like her, when I reassured her that was not true she felt a bit better, it was only when she went to day center and she saw the helper tell other people about cutting they days, she did not mind that next week she was not going to day center , so now does not keep repeating the question
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,896
    Kent
    Well Maggie, somewhere or somehow your mother must have retained the ability to remember an incident, if once she understands, she doesn`t repeatedly question. That`s brilliant.

    I can give my husband all the imput possible, visual, aural, practical, understand the underlying anxieties, and he will still ask again. It just shows how every case really is different.

    I will say though that my husband can`t get the little girl who was abducted in Portugal out of his mind. That information is the first for a long time that has stayed with him.
     
  3. Natashalou

    Natashalou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2007
    426
    london
    Another odd trait


    is this one that carers etc do not like the person. Since my mother fell she cant do anything, she cant wash and dress herself, due to her broken arm and her general state, but she struggles to do so, and at first I thought she was forgetting.to ask .
    When I asked her, and keep saying to her to press the bell, she says nobody answers it which I know is not true. Then I said I was going personally to speak to them, and finally she says they dont like her and thats why she wont ask for help.
    When she was in the hospital, she said the staff there did not like her.
    She takes some medication for this complex but it doesnt seem to work
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,896
    Kent
    My husband thinks no-one likes him either.

    His self esteem is so low, he hides from people. A neighbour called, and where he would have rushed to put the kettle on and been really welcoming and hospitable, he sat in another room until she left.

    Once she had gone, I asked him why he hadn`t joined us and he said it would have been rude to intrude.

    He has also said our DIL doen`t like him. It`s so sad.
     
  5. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #65 Margarita, May 13, 2007
    Last edited: May 13, 2007

    No it’s to do with having to malgermate 2 day center into one, because local authority wants the building back that the other AZ day center is using and staff having annual leave and one member of staff has left , so lots of other people are having days cut also, that have 3 days or more like my mother

    Then they are moving from the building that mum in now anyway, sometime this year, so they are not recruiting staff till they get the go ahead to move all of them into newly built NH, in hammersmith that can hold 2 day center, if all go to plan they move again should be in June. Every one got a letter on Friday telling them about the change of days and any cuts in days to
    accommodate every one Mum got new days also.
     
  6. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Sylvia, John's just the same. The questions just go on and on, particularly when he's worried about something. Explaining has no effect whatsoever.

    I can't tell you how many times I've told him that he doesn't need money when he goes to daycare (in fact they've asked that no-one brings money). Every week he asks over and over again for money to pay for his lunch.

    On other days, we will understand that I pay by cheque; on Friday mornings, he understands nothing.
     
  7. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Sylvia

    Could you not the next time bring your neighbor into the room his in, as all it could be is he now has limited abilities to communicate and interact meaningfully with those around him, which as you know further contributes to his isolation, so he needs social support as avoidance just make the matter worse, your have to have a word with your friend / neighbor so she understands so both of you would go into the room where he is
     
  8. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Hazel

    Now if that was my mother or husband I would have a word with the worker, saying that john dose not like the idea of losing all control of his finances, so still wants to retain some independences, and no amount of persuasion is going to make him change his mind. So could they just not take the money of him when he gets to day center, if not what other idea could they come up with in helping him retain in what he see as still keeping part of his dignity and independences.

    I to also have to ask a question to ask them about my mother not wanting to wear pads at day center, because she things it as losing part of her dignity in wearing them at day center and no amount of persuasion on my part is going to change my mother mind .
     
  9. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Margarita, I'm afraid you have totally misunderstood what I was saying.

    John does not mind me handling his finances, I have done so from early in his illness. His repeated questioning is just a manifestation of his anxiety at going to daycare.

    What you suggest is in any case impossible. The finances are handled by Alzheimer Scotland, as it is their day centre. I get a monthly bill.
     
  10. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #70 Margarita, May 13, 2007
    Last edited: May 13, 2007
    No , No now your misundertand me taking it the wrong way

    when I say finance , I mean like pocket money , just that I did not want to put it on a leavel like that . men woman all of us like to have are own money on us , so was thinking that could be his worry . not that you have taken over all his finances , that has to be done I undertand we all undertand that .

    I had that problem with my mother when going into respite & wanting some money with her .

    PS At our AZ day center they can take money in with them if they like , why are they stoping it ? from them having money on them , why take that away from them
     
  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,896
    Kent
    No Margarita, a nice theoretical solution, but not the answer for Dhiren. I would not chance further embarrassment for him by bringing a neighbour into the room he was in, on the assumption he would be in the right frame of mind to accept her.

    Nor could I explain in front of him anything about his condition, he is paranoid enough about it as it is. My neighbour knows how he is and knows his hang ups, but he doesn`t know them himself.

    This is the big problem. I cannot presume anything. I must always test the waters first.

    Thank you for caring though. :)
     
  12. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    Because it gets lost or stolen? But a risk worth taking if self-esteem depends on it, if they can afford to lose it.




     
  13. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #73 Margarita, May 13, 2007
    Last edited: May 13, 2007
    Gosh was not Suggesting that, that would have been disrespectfully .

    I said
    did not say in frount of Dhiren

    seeing that you said
    Its Ok just a thought of mine

    PS Must say I do not perceive it as a hung up
    and I bet Dhiren does know
     
  14. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,896
    Kent
    Margarita, you are trying so hard to help. I really do appreciate it.:)
     
  15. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    PS ( sorry Just seen your post , Oh its just me )

    further embarrassment?

    Why would you both feel it is an embarrassment to let anyone see your husband in a different mood ? Just wondering

    I know you perceive it theoretical solution, I repect that Respect that it does not work for you , but putting it in to reality and being realistic has help my mother over the years to come to teams in not feeling a social misfit, if society does not like the way my mother interacts, that they issue not my mother
     
  16. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,896
    Kent
    One last try Margarita.

    You should be proud of what you do for your mother. That`s the first thing I want to say. I think she is blessed to have a daughter like you.

    Unfortunately, not everyone has the confidence you have and the character your mother has.

    I have always had a very shy and self conscious husband. He values his privacy.
    Now he has Alzheimers, he is even more self conscious, and if I couldn`t help him before, I`m hardly likely to now.

    His mood changes don`t embarrass me, they embarrass him, particularly if they happen in front of an `outsider`. So I try to protect him from any situation which would cause him further upset than he already has.

    Take care xx
     
  17. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    undertand xx
     
  18. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    10,856
    Wigan, Lancs
    Sylvia,

    I'm 38 and I can't remember whether it's recycling week or ordinary rubbish week. Looking at how many empty gin bottles are in the recycling pile isn't always fool proof if we've had a bad week. ;)

    Sue
     
  19. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,896
    Kent
    Hi Sue, Do your bins take glass too?

    Ours only take, household waste in black bins, and paper, plastic bottles and cans in blue bins.

    Garden refuse is collected fortnightly in bin bags.

    Bottles have to be taken to the botle bank.

    As I don`t drive, and glass is heavy, I bought myself a shopping trolley. My grandchildren are horrified. They think only really old people have shopping trolleys. [Which I take as a back handed compliment]
    They said if they meet me with the shopping trolley, they will cross the road and look the other way.

    The sum of excitement in my life---re-cycling. And I can`t even ride a bike.
     
  20. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    10,856
    Wigan, Lancs
    Sylvia,

    You have to talk to my sister who gave up the rat race and a job in advertising in London to teach English as a foreign language in Athens 16 months ago.

    You have to be mad and very brave to have a car in Athens so the pride she used to have in her sporty merc is now reserved for her shopping trolley. :D

    And yes in West Lancs they do collect glass.

    Sue
     

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