I don`t seem to be handling this very well..................

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,129
Kent
I have a husband in the seemimgly early stage of Alzheimers, in deep, deep depression, believing if he got back to Manchester, where he lived for 50 years, all his troubles would be over.

He believes he has lots of friends to return to, whereas they have either died, moved on, or lost touch.

He believes he was as happy as a sandboy, without a care in the world, all the time he lived there.

He believes he can just go back, get a `bed-sit` and pick up the threads of a life long gone, as if the intervening years had not been.

He believes his unhappiness has nothing to do with Alzheimers, it`s because he`s been uprooted.

He feels very lonely, feels he is living in a cemetery here, waiting to die.

I have booked a few days in Manchester in June, to try to let him see just how it would be. I will not arrange any reunions, I will leave it to him, see where he wants to go, who he is able to contact.

I have offered to help him find somewhere to stay. He is grateful. He said he will visit me and I can visit him.

Last night I was so tired of his constant questions; which station does he go to, how does he get there, how many miles is it, how much is the ticket, can he make the journey without changing at London, over and over and over again.

I answer his question with patience, I`ve even written down instructions, how to get there, I tried to make light of it, telling him I`ll help him pack as he`s never packed a suitcase in his life.

Meanwhile, the house is like a morgue. I am finding it increasingly difficult to rise above all this misery. If I went out and tried to find a distraction, I doubt it would help, as I feel so sorry for him.

He won`t see the doctor, tablets are not the answer. I have written to the psychiatrist asking for a review of his anti-depressants, but know it won`t happen if I can`t get him there.

Is this what those of you further down the line have endured? I would love to know how you got through it.

Thank you
 

Natashalou

Registered User
Mar 22, 2007
426
london
good Luck

good luck with this. My mother doesnt really yearn to go "back" to anywhere(she no longer really understands where she is anyway), but she does often refer to events and things that if they either hadnt happened or if we could make something happen, her situation would be "different" .
To a degree of course this is true for example if she hadnt fallen and had a broken pelvis she might not as yet have been in a nursing home...but this is of course true of all of us!
I hope your trip goes well, but if your husband decided he wanted to move there permanently would this is a possibility? I dont want to be negative but might this not open a can of worms?
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Dear Sylvia

I'm afraid I've no answers for you, just huge sympathy. My problem is loneliness because John and I can't talk, but it must be so much worse trying to cope with depression as well.

I moved up here with John three years ago, because he wanted to come home. I felt I owed him that, because when we got married he moved down to Scunthorpe to help me care for my mother.

I like it up here, though in many ways the move was a failure. John no longer recognised his former friends and colleagues, and when he did, he couldn't talk to them. They soon drifted away.

And I had left behind my own support network, so I felt isolated.

I think you're doing the right thing, letting Dhiren see for himself that things wouldn't be any better, but be prepared for him not to be convinced! We had several visits up here before we moved, and John looked forward to it so much.

And whatever you do, don't agree to move back permanently. The grass is seldom truly greener!

Love and hugs,
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,129
Kent
Hi Natasha,

We sold the house twice, a couple of years ago, but he lost his nerve, both times, feeling daunted by the actual physical aspect of moving house.

He won`t want to stay when, and if, we manage to few a few dingy rooms that he will be able to afford on his pension.

He does know he couldn`t cope on his own, and I know he will not be able to see this through, but it`s so hard to live with and, unfortunately, because of AD, he will be unable to learn from the experience.

Thank you, with love
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,129
Kent
Hi Hazel, No I`ll never agree to move back.

I couldn`t face another move.

We have had 6 homes in the 44 years of our marriage and Dhiren has never done any of the organizing. He viewed properties with me, helped choose furnishings etc, but as for packing and labelling etc. he wouldn`t have known where to start.

Anyway, I like it here. He did to, during the 10 years we visited, before we came to live and before he developed AD. It was just unfortunate timing.
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
Dear Sylvia,

You give so much help to others, but then when it's our turn to help you, I'm coming up empty. All I can say is what you decribe is not classic depression. One of the problems with depression is that if you're depressed you simply cannot imagine that "the grass is greener" for you, or for anyone. A classically depressed person can't get as far as your husband has in terms of thinks well if I was A, or doing B I'd be fine. This in itself is depressing (for you) because I have a sneaking suspicion that even if his dose of anti-depressants were upped, it wouldn't make any difference. I do think, IMHO, that all an anti-depressant CAN do is get you to a point where you can see clearly enough to make the changes in one's life that are necessary to remove any underlying causes of that depression. Sadly, in Dhiren's case, there is no way to get rid of the real cause, his AD.

Unfortunately, anti-depressants aren't "happy' pills, all they can do is correct any underlying lack of neuro-transmitters. In a sense, it looks as if they are already doing that, giving him motivation to attempt to change his situation without any power or insight to do so.

Love

Jennifer
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
So could it be that withdrawing the anti-depresants might help? Dhiren would still be depressed, but might stop trying to find solutions?

I don't know, it's just a thought.
 

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
3,453
Grannie G
Cant say anything constructive - just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you.
Love Helen
 

Michael E

Registered User
Apr 14, 2005
619
Ronda Spain
Sylvia hi,

I think I am just a little further down the road... not much more but maybe a bit... All similar symptoms but now Monique is totally 'out of it'... Wants her parents afraid of death - wanting to die - go and live at home (with parents!) Seeing imaginary people, talking to - who knows who...

The only advantage I have over you is a while ago, like you appear to be doing now, I actually thought maybe if I did some of the things asked of her I would make her happy (ier). This is of course not true as 'they' are remembering some perfect world that existed long long ago.... Impossible to recapture and anyway was not that perfect for sure..

Now Monique is so clearly totally nuts except in moments of total desperation I simply make the right sounds and try to forget it.... None of her requests are realisable (I have not been able to raise the dead for years now!) and her parents home is long gone... the town is also unrecognisable... Mind you I have to admit you would probably recognise Manchester!!

All I can say is that as it gets worse it gets harder in some ways to cope and we too do become sort of institutionalised - too much time spent trying to help.. Not enough time doing 'normal' things... I just had 11 days break, 3 days with friends in the UK and 7 days sailing --- brilliant. Monique did not ask for me once during the time I was away - did not know who I was when I got back... Makes it easier really...

Good luck Sylvia with the Manchester trip... I suppose it will help the guilt monkey even if it does not help your husband too much - but who knows?

love

Michael
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,129
Kent
Thanks Jennifer, you have given me some insight to depression I didn`t have. I can understand Dhiren`s is not classic depression, because he does think his problems would be solved back in Manchester.

He went out for an hour. He came home,

D `I can`t get a ticket today, everything`s closed. Is it all right if I stay one more night?`
S `What do you mean?`
D `You kicked me out this morning and I can`t get a ticket till tomorrow. Can I stay one more night?`
S `I have never `kicked` you out. This is your home. We are going to Manchester together, in June.`
D ` I can`t wait. I`m going tomorrow`.
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
Oo er: I just want to emphasise that this is my view, rather than being true in all cases. Everyones depression is their own, if you see what I mean. However, it doesn't seem as if Dhiren has the standard "everything is too much effort" aspect of depression, which is why I say that I suspect that an increase in anti-depressents, even if possible, might well not be effective.

Love

Jennifer
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,129
Kent
Don`t worry Jennifer,
I know exectly where you`re coming from, but your theory is something I hadn`t thought of and could be right.


Michael,
Hope it doesn`t sound arrogant, but I`ve no guilt monkey, not yet anyway. I don`t think others shoud have one either. There`s no magic wand, we are all being broken, trying to do our best, and that`s as much as we can do.

Hazel,
If I can get him to the doctor, we can discuss the pros and cons of anti-depressants, but until then.....................?

Lila, Sue and Helen,
Thank you.

Do you know, I felt so hopeless when I began this Thread. I feel so much better now. :)

Thank you all, very much.
 

Michael E

Registered User
Apr 14, 2005
619
Ronda Spain
Grannie G said:
D `I can`t get a ticket today, everything`s closed. Is it all right if I stay one more night?`
S `What do you mean?`
D `You kicked me out this morning and I can`t get a ticket till tomorrow. Can I stay one more night?`
S `I have never `kicked` you out. This is your home. We are going to Manchester together, in June.`
D ` I can`t wait. I`m going tomorrow`.
Those are all the things Monique still says.
M. Where is my mother
Me. In Dreux
M. What is wrong with my father and mother? Why do they leave me here?
Me. They are not leaving you. They will be along soon.
M. Parents should know better than to leave their children like this.
Me> Sure. But they have not left you. You are safe here
M. But I must go home - when will they arrive?
Me> First thing tomorrow morning
M. Then we must leave now.. I can't wait here till tomorrow....

Not quite the same but almost exactly the same... just different.

Monique is on maximum dose of Equinel a antidepressant, an anti psycotic and good old Deroxat... In desperation because the above conversation goes on from the moment she wakes until she goes to bed I took her to the doctors a couple of days ago... He is a really good sympathetic kindly man who clearly likes (liked) Monique a lot... He had nothing to offer except to increase the dose of Deroxat which I know will make little difference from previous experience...

The awful truth is this desire to return to a 'better' place is going to go on all the time in the case of Monique and I suspect in your husband.. Horrid I know but I think 'they' the medics probably cannot make it go away...

Not sure if I should be so downbeat to you but sometimes the truth makes you free...

good luck with it

Michael
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,129
Kent
Thanks Michael, this is what I needed.

I know all cases are different, but there are still many similarities.

To be reassured this really is part and parcel of the condition is, in effect, giving me permission to let him get on with it and stop trying to find a solution.

So I`ll try to continue to be patient, answer his questions, keep the peace and not let it get me down so much. :cool:
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Grannie G said:
Hazel,
If I can get him to the doctor, we can discuss the pros and cons of anti-depressants, but until then.....................?


Do you know, I felt so hopeless when I began this Thread. I feel so much better now. :)

Thank you all, very much.

Sylvia, you carry on, just as you're doing. No-one could do it better, and I'd certainly be worse!:(

And keep posting. You support so many people, it's time to do some taking for a change. Remember the loan club? Your credit is sky high.

Love,
 

Norman

Registered User
Oct 9, 2003
4,348
Birmingham Hades
Dear Sylvia
I cannot offer much more advice than that which you have received.
My Peg is further down the road.
Every night and sometimes in the daytime she wants to go home,doesn't know where but wants to go home.
The tissue tearing is as bad, if not worse than before,and the aggression is still there.
A new one is the worrying about the "work" that she has to do,arranging things,I can't see them,but she can.
She still after all these years does not accept that there is anything wrong with her.
HOW TO COPE? I do not know
I lose my patience with her,I rant and rave,the the GM steps in and I am full of remorse.
One day I said to her you will have to go away,she replied"I will ask my Mother to fetch me".
The quote by Bruce sticks in my mind" You cannot reason with the un reasonable"
One consolation is that she does not remember me being unkind to her.
So how do we cope?
It really is a day by day. lurch from one day to another fooling ourselves into tomorrow will be better.
The next day will not be as bad as yesterday and we think I can cope,we do,just hoping thatb the good days out number the bad.
Loking forward to my next respite,wishing you well
Norman
 
Last edited: