1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

I don`t seem to be handling this very well..................

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Grannie G, May 12, 2007.

  1. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,721
    Kent
    I have a husband in the seemimgly early stage of Alzheimers, in deep, deep depression, believing if he got back to Manchester, where he lived for 50 years, all his troubles would be over.

    He believes he has lots of friends to return to, whereas they have either died, moved on, or lost touch.

    He believes he was as happy as a sandboy, without a care in the world, all the time he lived there.

    He believes he can just go back, get a `bed-sit` and pick up the threads of a life long gone, as if the intervening years had not been.

    He believes his unhappiness has nothing to do with Alzheimers, it`s because he`s been uprooted.

    He feels very lonely, feels he is living in a cemetery here, waiting to die.

    I have booked a few days in Manchester in June, to try to let him see just how it would be. I will not arrange any reunions, I will leave it to him, see where he wants to go, who he is able to contact.

    I have offered to help him find somewhere to stay. He is grateful. He said he will visit me and I can visit him.

    Last night I was so tired of his constant questions; which station does he go to, how does he get there, how many miles is it, how much is the ticket, can he make the journey without changing at London, over and over and over again.

    I answer his question with patience, I`ve even written down instructions, how to get there, I tried to make light of it, telling him I`ll help him pack as he`s never packed a suitcase in his life.

    Meanwhile, the house is like a morgue. I am finding it increasingly difficult to rise above all this misery. If I went out and tried to find a distraction, I doubt it would help, as I feel so sorry for him.

    He won`t see the doctor, tablets are not the answer. I have written to the psychiatrist asking for a review of his anti-depressants, but know it won`t happen if I can`t get him there.

    Is this what those of you further down the line have endured? I would love to know how you got through it.

    Thank you
     
  2. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    Will you be travelling with him? hope you'll be able to cope.
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,721
    Kent
    Oh yes, Lila, I`ll certainly be travelling with him. And back...;)
     
  4. Natashalou

    Natashalou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2007
    426
    london
    good Luck

    good luck with this. My mother doesnt really yearn to go "back" to anywhere(she no longer really understands where she is anyway), but she does often refer to events and things that if they either hadnt happened or if we could make something happen, her situation would be "different" .
    To a degree of course this is true for example if she hadnt fallen and had a broken pelvis she might not as yet have been in a nursing home...but this is of course true of all of us!
    I hope your trip goes well, but if your husband decided he wanted to move there permanently would this is a possibility? I dont want to be negative but might this not open a can of worms?
     
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Sylvia

    I'm afraid I've no answers for you, just huge sympathy. My problem is loneliness because John and I can't talk, but it must be so much worse trying to cope with depression as well.

    I moved up here with John three years ago, because he wanted to come home. I felt I owed him that, because when we got married he moved down to Scunthorpe to help me care for my mother.

    I like it up here, though in many ways the move was a failure. John no longer recognised his former friends and colleagues, and when he did, he couldn't talk to them. They soon drifted away.

    And I had left behind my own support network, so I felt isolated.

    I think you're doing the right thing, letting Dhiren see for himself that things wouldn't be any better, but be prepared for him not to be convinced! We had several visits up here before we moved, and John looked forward to it so much.

    And whatever you do, don't agree to move back permanently. The grass is seldom truly greener!

    Love and hugs,
     
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,721
    Kent
    Hi Natasha,

    We sold the house twice, a couple of years ago, but he lost his nerve, both times, feeling daunted by the actual physical aspect of moving house.

    He won`t want to stay when, and if, we manage to few a few dingy rooms that he will be able to afford on his pension.

    He does know he couldn`t cope on his own, and I know he will not be able to see this through, but it`s so hard to live with and, unfortunately, because of AD, he will be unable to learn from the experience.

    Thank you, with love
     
  7. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    Hope it'll help. You never know until you try ...



     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,721
    Kent
    Hi Hazel, No I`ll never agree to move back.

    I couldn`t face another move.

    We have had 6 homes in the 44 years of our marriage and Dhiren has never done any of the organizing. He viewed properties with me, helped choose furnishings etc, but as for packing and labelling etc. he wouldn`t have known where to start.

    Anyway, I like it here. He did to, during the 10 years we visited, before we came to live and before he developed AD. It was just unfortunate timing.
     
  9. twink

    twink Registered User

    Oct 28, 2005
    265
    Cambridgeshire UK
    Thinking of you Sylvia. Horrible, horrible illness. i wish I could say something helpful to you.

    Love Sue
     
  10. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,419
    Dear Sylvia,

    You give so much help to others, but then when it's our turn to help you, I'm coming up empty. All I can say is what you decribe is not classic depression. One of the problems with depression is that if you're depressed you simply cannot imagine that "the grass is greener" for you, or for anyone. A classically depressed person can't get as far as your husband has in terms of thinks well if I was A, or doing B I'd be fine. This in itself is depressing (for you) because I have a sneaking suspicion that even if his dose of anti-depressants were upped, it wouldn't make any difference. I do think, IMHO, that all an anti-depressant CAN do is get you to a point where you can see clearly enough to make the changes in one's life that are necessary to remove any underlying causes of that depression. Sadly, in Dhiren's case, there is no way to get rid of the real cause, his AD.

    Unfortunately, anti-depressants aren't "happy' pills, all they can do is correct any underlying lack of neuro-transmitters. In a sense, it looks as if they are already doing that, giving him motivation to attempt to change his situation without any power or insight to do so.

    Love

    Jennifer
     
  11. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    So could it be that withdrawing the anti-depresants might help? Dhiren would still be depressed, but might stop trying to find solutions?

    I don't know, it's just a thought.
     
  12. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Grannie G
    Cant say anything constructive - just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you.
    Love Helen
     
  13. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    618
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    Sylvia hi,

    I think I am just a little further down the road... not much more but maybe a bit... All similar symptoms but now Monique is totally 'out of it'... Wants her parents afraid of death - wanting to die - go and live at home (with parents!) Seeing imaginary people, talking to - who knows who...

    The only advantage I have over you is a while ago, like you appear to be doing now, I actually thought maybe if I did some of the things asked of her I would make her happy (ier). This is of course not true as 'they' are remembering some perfect world that existed long long ago.... Impossible to recapture and anyway was not that perfect for sure..

    Now Monique is so clearly totally nuts except in moments of total desperation I simply make the right sounds and try to forget it.... None of her requests are realisable (I have not been able to raise the dead for years now!) and her parents home is long gone... the town is also unrecognisable... Mind you I have to admit you would probably recognise Manchester!!

    All I can say is that as it gets worse it gets harder in some ways to cope and we too do become sort of institutionalised - too much time spent trying to help.. Not enough time doing 'normal' things... I just had 11 days break, 3 days with friends in the UK and 7 days sailing --- brilliant. Monique did not ask for me once during the time I was away - did not know who I was when I got back... Makes it easier really...

    Good luck Sylvia with the Manchester trip... I suppose it will help the guilt monkey even if it does not help your husband too much - but who knows?

    love

    Michael
     
  14. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,721
    Kent
    Thanks Jennifer, you have given me some insight to depression I didn`t have. I can understand Dhiren`s is not classic depression, because he does think his problems would be solved back in Manchester.

    He went out for an hour. He came home,

    D `I can`t get a ticket today, everything`s closed. Is it all right if I stay one more night?`
    S `What do you mean?`
    D `You kicked me out this morning and I can`t get a ticket till tomorrow. Can I stay one more night?`
    S `I have never `kicked` you out. This is your home. We are going to Manchester together, in June.`
    D ` I can`t wait. I`m going tomorrow`.
     
  15. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,419
    Oo er: I just want to emphasise that this is my view, rather than being true in all cases. Everyones depression is their own, if you see what I mean. However, it doesn't seem as if Dhiren has the standard "everything is too much effort" aspect of depression, which is why I say that I suspect that an increase in anti-depressents, even if possible, might well not be effective.

    Love

    Jennifer
     
  16. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,721
    Kent
    Don`t worry Jennifer,
    I know exectly where you`re coming from, but your theory is something I hadn`t thought of and could be right.


    Michael,
    Hope it doesn`t sound arrogant, but I`ve no guilt monkey, not yet anyway. I don`t think others shoud have one either. There`s no magic wand, we are all being broken, trying to do our best, and that`s as much as we can do.

    Hazel,
    If I can get him to the doctor, we can discuss the pros and cons of anti-depressants, but until then.....................?

    Lila, Sue and Helen,
    Thank you.

    Do you know, I felt so hopeless when I began this Thread. I feel so much better now. :)

    Thank you all, very much.
     
  17. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    618
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    Those are all the things Monique still says.
    M. Where is my mother
    Me. In Dreux
    M. What is wrong with my father and mother? Why do they leave me here?
    Me. They are not leaving you. They will be along soon.
    M. Parents should know better than to leave their children like this.
    Me> Sure. But they have not left you. You are safe here
    M. But I must go home - when will they arrive?
    Me> First thing tomorrow morning
    M. Then we must leave now.. I can't wait here till tomorrow....

    Not quite the same but almost exactly the same... just different.

    Monique is on maximum dose of Equinel a antidepressant, an anti psycotic and good old Deroxat... In desperation because the above conversation goes on from the moment she wakes until she goes to bed I took her to the doctors a couple of days ago... He is a really good sympathetic kindly man who clearly likes (liked) Monique a lot... He had nothing to offer except to increase the dose of Deroxat which I know will make little difference from previous experience...

    The awful truth is this desire to return to a 'better' place is going to go on all the time in the case of Monique and I suspect in your husband.. Horrid I know but I think 'they' the medics probably cannot make it go away...

    Not sure if I should be so downbeat to you but sometimes the truth makes you free...

    good luck with it

    Michael
     
  18. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,721
    Kent
    Thanks Michael, this is what I needed.

    I know all cases are different, but there are still many similarities.

    To be reassured this really is part and parcel of the condition is, in effect, giving me permission to let him get on with it and stop trying to find a solution.

    So I`ll try to continue to be patient, answer his questions, keep the peace and not let it get me down so much. :cool:
     
  19. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland

    Sylvia, you carry on, just as you're doing. No-one could do it better, and I'd certainly be worse!:(

    And keep posting. You support so many people, it's time to do some taking for a change. Remember the loan club? Your credit is sky high.

    Love,
     
  20. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    #20 Norman, May 12, 2007
    Last edited: May 12, 2007
    Dear Sylvia
    I cannot offer much more advice than that which you have received.
    My Peg is further down the road.
    Every night and sometimes in the daytime she wants to go home,doesn't know where but wants to go home.
    The tissue tearing is as bad, if not worse than before,and the aggression is still there.
    A new one is the worrying about the "work" that she has to do,arranging things,I can't see them,but she can.
    She still after all these years does not accept that there is anything wrong with her.
    HOW TO COPE? I do not know
    I lose my patience with her,I rant and rave,the the GM steps in and I am full of remorse.
    One day I said to her you will have to go away,she replied"I will ask my Mother to fetch me".
    The quote by Bruce sticks in my mind" You cannot reason with the un reasonable"
    One consolation is that she does not remember me being unkind to her.
    So how do we cope?
    It really is a day by day. lurch from one day to another fooling ourselves into tomorrow will be better.
    The next day will not be as bad as yesterday and we think I can cope,we do,just hoping thatb the good days out number the bad.
    Loking forward to my next respite,wishing you well
    Norman
     

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