My OH came into the lounge and asked where I was. I said i'm here, but he just kept calling my name and asking me where I had gone. This was a first for OH and its so upsetting. This morning he is back to ''normal' . Wondering if this is the beginning of something or just a one off.
Husband not knowing who I am for the first time
- Thread starter NannyRos
- Start date
Sending you a virtual hug. It's distressing isn't it? This happened before my man was diagnosed. He asked, one morning, where his wife was and said she should be here by now. I wanted to cry. I was soon able to reassure him that it was me. Its happened occasionally since, but he now laughs, as soon as he realises. He is now in a Care Home and looks thrilled to see me, even when he forgets my name or who I am. I hope things work out for you too. 🙏
I've been everyone, wife's brother, dad, neighbour and sometimes a stranger and told to get our of her house before her husband (me) got home.
My mum used to call me by one of my brother's names sometimes I never tried to correct at the time, go with the flow, fight all the battles you want but you will lose the war.
Dementia doesn't take any prisoners and us carers are just collateral damage. K
My mum used to call me by one of my brother's names sometimes I never tried to correct at the time, go with the flow, fight all the battles you want but you will lose the war.
Dementia doesn't take any prisoners and us carers are just collateral damage. K
It is a shock. My husband asked me, when I took him a cup of tea in bed, “Have you seen …….(me) this morning?”. I didn’t take it any further and he has not so far said it again.
The first time it happens it comes as a shock and it's upsetting. I find it easier by thinking "dementia's forgotten me not Mum".
Your husband may have time-hopped back many years so was looking for a much younger version of you.
Your husband may have time-hopped back many years so was looking for a much younger version of you.
Hello @NannyRos
I have a tale to tell that I think encapsulates this complex issue.
About 2yrs ago I drove, with my wife, to the GP's to pick up her scripts. We were then on the way to the pharmacy when this conversation arose, my wife spoke first:
Do you know something?
I know a lot of things, whats on your mind?
This will change things. (that got me interested!)
Oh, what are you thinking about?
Are you married?
Yes.
(my wife burst into tears)
What's wrong M?
I wanted to marry you!
The fact is that when names/relationships are forgotten the feelings often remain. It was nice that my wife still had her moral code and still wanted to marry me.
I love telling people that tale.
I have a tale to tell that I think encapsulates this complex issue.
About 2yrs ago I drove, with my wife, to the GP's to pick up her scripts. We were then on the way to the pharmacy when this conversation arose, my wife spoke first:
Do you know something?
I know a lot of things, whats on your mind?
This will change things. (that got me interested!)
Oh, what are you thinking about?
Are you married?
Yes.
(my wife burst into tears)
What's wrong M?
I wanted to marry you!
The fact is that when names/relationships are forgotten the feelings often remain. It was nice that my wife still had her moral code and still wanted to marry me.
I love telling people that tale.
I think there is something in that! A few years ago, when I was visited my mother in the care home, I realised she wasn't sure who I was. After a while she said "you look just like my mother!" Thanks mum! Obviously I couldn't be her daughter, I was far too old!
I think the explanation that our pwd think we are younger than we are is correct.
My OH doesn't recognise himself in the mirror either. He calls the " old man " his friend and complains to him that I'm mean because I don't let him go to see his mum and dad. His parents are long gone x
My OH doesn't recognise himself in the mirror either. He calls the " old man " his friend and complains to him that I'm mean because I don't let him go to see his mum and dad. His parents are long gone x
Your posts reminded me of when my dad was looking at his & mum's wedding photo - "Oh look, that's me!" he said.
"Do you know what happened to the lady?" And pointed at my mum in the picture.
She told him it was her and he looked at her and said, "Don't be ridiculous - it looks nothing like you!"
Well it had been 50 years. Luckily mum could see the funny side.
It's so hard when they forget you.
"Do you know what happened to the lady?" And pointed at my mum in the picture.
She told him it was her and he looked at her and said, "Don't be ridiculous - it looks nothing like you!"
Well it had been 50 years. Luckily mum could see the funny side.
It's so hard when they forget you.
@NannyRos on a care home visit to Mum, she was told that her daughter was waiting to see her. She knew she had a daughter and could name me but when she saw me, there wasn't the slightest bit of recognition. After a while I asked her age; well that day she was 40 so she was looking for a daughter in her early teens. I have a numerous grey hairs, wrinkles and a BUS PASS!
Fast forward 2 years and even now, she's been known to call me by name.
Fast forward 2 years and even now, she's been known to call me by name.
Hi @NannyRos
I think the lack of recognition of a partner/spouse, member of the family, etc is v common at some stage even though the PWD may remember names.
We're 7 years down the road. There was time when my OH remembers my name and still does, but then started calling everyone by than name. Then there are times when the PWD regresses and sees themselves as they were 30 or 40 years ago and thus when that happens and she looks at me now, I'm obviously to her too old to be her husband and thus, to her I must be her dad; or our daughter now in her 50's is too old to be her daughter, as in her mind her daughter is at school or uni, thus this woman must be her sister, etc - but these episodes were are sporadic and she does return to normality.
Once my Oh looked at me and said "Aren't you someone I used to like?" (that's a relief I might have been someone she didn't like)
Try not to get too upset. It's the illness talking. My other half does call my name and quite often associates it with me!
Best wishes
I think the lack of recognition of a partner/spouse, member of the family, etc is v common at some stage even though the PWD may remember names.
We're 7 years down the road. There was time when my OH remembers my name and still does, but then started calling everyone by than name. Then there are times when the PWD regresses and sees themselves as they were 30 or 40 years ago and thus when that happens and she looks at me now, I'm obviously to her too old to be her husband and thus, to her I must be her dad; or our daughter now in her 50's is too old to be her daughter, as in her mind her daughter is at school or uni, thus this woman must be her sister, etc - but these episodes were are sporadic and she does return to normality.
Once my Oh looked at me and said "Aren't you someone I used to like?" (that's a relief I might have been someone she didn't like)
Try not to get too upset. It's the illness talking. My other half does call my name and quite often associates it with me!
Best wishes
My husband of 47 years has no idea who any of us are wife daughters son grandchildren.
He regularly calls 999 when I refuse to leave his house.
We (I) now have a very supportive CPN however Northumberland Social Care visted once, believed him when he said he rang the police whilst sleepwalking ( at various times during the day) and closed the case.
I live on the edge every day waiting for the next tone he will demand I leave his house. As far as he is concerned this is his house and i have no right to be here. We moved in in 1982.
no one out ther gives a daman about the husbands and wives of vascular dementia people . It’s a battle of which one dies first
He regularly calls 999 when I refuse to leave his house.
We (I) now have a very supportive CPN however Northumberland Social Care visted once, believed him when he said he rang the police whilst sleepwalking ( at various times during the day) and closed the case.
I live on the edge every day waiting for the next tone he will demand I leave his house. As far as he is concerned this is his house and i have no right to be here. We moved in in 1982.
no one out ther gives a daman about the husbands and wives of vascular dementia people . It’s a battle of which one dies first
yeah it's one hell of a shock the first time, all those years and memorys gone. But like all things one gets used to it . Eventually it can ( if you get your mind in the right place) be quite entertaining to find out what they think of you when they think they are talking to a stranger. Sometime soon you will be doing a meal and he/she will say , in all seriousness , you will do enough for ( whoever you are) when they come back from work/a walk/ visiting, won't you. Most afternoons now and sometimes in the morning I appear (to my piglet ) to be someone who is there to look after her and a friend but not her husband of 44yrs (sad)but at least she accepts me. Try not to let it get to you or think on it too often, but the last ( for her ) 50yrs have gone.
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