Mother wants my mobile number

[pingpong]

Over a year ago the home phone went and I now use mobile (although I don't often carry it). My mother keeps insisting on having my number. I have told her she doesn't need it as I see her twice a day every day. She is a nuisance and phones my son when she doesn't get the response she wants from me and is causing problems in that direction as my son has BPD and does not take kindly to her ringing - so I get it from both directions.
Last weekend she admitted that she can't use the phone anymore - someone rang five times before she worked out how to answer it, and it's just a phone with lift up receiver and green button.
Anyway, having asked me for the umpteenth time today I told her she isn't having my number as all she will do is make nuisance calls. She said, I swear I will only ring you if it's an absolute emergency or if John (doesn't answer). Says it all. I left telling her that she has an emergency button to push if it's an emergency and doesn't need my number as I'm round there every day twice a day.
This may sound harsh but over the years I have been contacted by her at work crying saying she's going to commit suicide, etc. and had to leave work to get to her all smiles and so on. Crying wolf and being argumentative and aggressive being par for the course and getting downright nastier by the day. Oh - also the infamous GP who I asked for help in October 2018 for a dementia diagnosis and suggested that it might be me that has the problem! has now asked social services to assess her for day to day living, ie making cup of tea, climbing stairs, etc. and any useful aids. Furious is not the word, she has all the aids available, perfectly capable of doing all those things, even does the stairs at a rate of knots when she needs to be being nosey at something out of the window, otherwise it's a snails pace as she can't manage! I believe the word is confabulation - that is her life and people believe her.

 

[Kevinl]

My phone isn't anything special, had it for ages, years however, it will take 3 SIM cards at a time, many do.
People I probably don't want to speak to get SIM card number 1, straight to voicemail friends get my other number.
SIM 3 is pay as you go and there for emergencies so I always have credit if I need it. All are on the same network and all have a different ringtone or alert. Check your phone. K

 

[jugglingmum]

You could give your mum a dummy phone number, which might hold her off

 

[nitram]

You could give your mum a dummy phone number, which might hold her off

If you do that use one of the dummy numbers published by Ofcom for use in TV drama etc
There is block of 1000 mobile numbers

Mobile

07700 900000 to 900999

 

[pingpong]

You could give your mum a dummy phone number, which might hold her off

Sadly if she can't get me then (she tries my old number and says it's turned off) she phones my John so vicious circle.

 

[Rayreadynow]

One day you will no longer be able to hear her voice again.

 

[DeeCee7]

One day you will no longer be able to hear her voice again.

That’s a bit harsh @Rayreadynow now. @pingpong is only having a vent and we must support without judgement, implied or otherwise. Comments like that can start growing a guilt monster. It must be very frustrating and @pingpong is only trying to protect her son ( and herself) . Carers can only take so much, and visiting twice a day is a massive commitment.

 

[SherwoodSue]

Thank you for posting DeeCee7

 

[sdmhred]

Hello, I think you can block certain incoming numbers from your phone. Maybe that is something your son can consider doing? I’ve never done it but I think if he looks at the phone settings it should be possible.

As you’ve realised it’s very important for our sanity to keep these boundaries in place.

 

[Sarasa]

I am wondering @ping pong if the time is rapidly coming when your mum would be better in a care home. She sounds like she is at the tricky stage when she can sort of manage some of the time, but a lot of the time she is confused and needs the reassurance of you or your son. The trouble is she won't remember what you've said, hence phoning multiple times. In a care home she'd have company all the time and staff to direct her.
I found this stage the most difficult with my mum. She knew things weren't right but she didn't think it was her fault. Moving into care wasn't easy for either of us but it was the best decision.

 

[canary]

Hello @pingpong

This may sound callous, but you have to look after your own health, you can't worry about other people. If she keeps phoning John then he is the one to take control of that, you can't protect him at the expense of your own mental health. He can decide himself whether he wishes to answer her calls, let them go to voice mail, or block the number.

 

[Kated1]

Hello. I too have had issues with multiple calls from my stepmother who has dementia. 17 calls in a day were fairly common! So I now just block her number , easy to do on a mobile phone, and I only unblock her from 8am to 8pm( although if I get multiple calls on the same subject over a short period of time, I also block her) I am lucky as she has full time live in care and the carers are instructed to call me from their own mobiles if there is an emergency or something needs instant attention )
I would suggest that your son blocks her number if he does not want to talk.
I am not sure if you feel she needs an emergency number in case she falls or becomes unwell but I guess her emergency button would work in that case?
Since I found my block button my own mental health has improved dramatically as every call was just a moan from her about something or other. She complains to me about the carer then moans about me to the carer!
I have had her friends call me to ask me to stop her calling them. I obviously have no control over this so have just advised them to block her number as well, but for them to call her when it’s convenient so they can keep in touch.
Hope that helps, it’s not easy x

 

[Kated1]

To block number go into the contact in your mobile phone and scroll to the bottom and press block. You can also unblock in the same way

 

[RoyalOilfield]

To block number go into the contact in your mobile phone and scroll to the bottom and press block. You can also unblock in the same way

Blocking a number, and thus preventing a PWD with dementia from contacting you is a strategy that can go awry...

My mother in law used to ring our landline if she had one of her panic attacks. If that didn't elicit a response, the next course of action was to press the button on her "lifeline" emergency bracelet, or if she forgot it was present (or she hadn't got it on) she rang 999... My wife (who also has dementia) cancelled the "lifeline" contract. Brother in law removed the batteries from her cordless phone. She took to the street in her night attire (in daytime) to seek help...

I reported my concerns to adult social services. Neither my wife (with dementia) nor my brother in law (with an unshakable belief that whatever he does is right) can be reasoned with... That, for good or ill, resulted in Mother In Law being taken from her home by ambulance on the next occasion she rang 999...

So, she spent a couple of days in an assessment ward, and a few weeks in a geriatric ward, being fed, receiving physiotherapy, and away from her home... She had malnutrition and a urinary infection, not identified in fairly recent visits from nurses, doctors... so hospitalization wasn't inappropriate. She's currently recuperating in a special unit.

Looking back, I ought to have taken action earlier... But I know my family... You get to know how people think after 50 years experience of them... My wife's thinking was skewed by her own dementia, so she's less able to see the obvious even when it's pointed out to her. My brother in law is incredibly selfish, money oriented, refuses to see the obvious when it's pointed out to him, and I tend to avoid confrontation if at all possible, since logic doesn't win any battles for me...

Mother in law, if I have my way, will be heading for a nursing/care home when the dust settles, my wife won't have her caring responsibility, my brother in law will be obliged to watch his inheritance dwindle, and grieve for it... Boo Hoo...

A long winded way of saying that "nuisance calls" may be indicative of the PWD knowing help was needed, but not being able to say what help, thus not accessing that help. They're just being a nuisance, right? Then... you visit in response to a call, they're comforted by your presence, seem not to have a problem... It's perhaps still there, but masked by the temporary comfort your presence provides...

 

[Alisongs]

No need to block number if your phone can assign different ringtone to different incoming callers. Put your unwanted callers on Silent Ring. You'll still be able to see they've called, you can also set incoming calls to vibrate so you're still aware of them!

 

[Alisongs]

Blocking a number, and thus preventing a PWD with dementia from contacting you is a strategy that can go awry...

My mother in law used to ring our landline if she had one of her panic attacks. If that didn't elicit a response, the next course of action was to press the button on her "lifeline" emergency bracelet, or if she forgot it was present (or she hadn't got it on) she rang 999... My wife (who also has dementia) cancelled the "lifeline" contract. Brother in law removed the batteries from her cordless phone. She took to the street in her night attire (in daytime) to seek help...

I reported my concerns to adult social services. Neither my wife (with dementia) nor my brother in law (with an unshakable belief that whatever he does is right) can be reasoned with... That, for good or ill, resulted in Mother In Law being taken from her home by ambulance on the next occasion she rang 999...

So, she spent a couple of days in an assessment ward, and a few weeks in a geriatric ward, being fed, receiving physiotherapy, and away from her home... She had malnutrition and a urinary infection, not identified in fairly recent visits from nurses, doctors... so hospitalization wasn't inappropriate. She's currently recuperating in a special unit.

Looking back, I ought to have taken action earlier... But I know my family... You get to know how people think after 50 years experience of them... My wife's thinking was skewed by her own dementia, so she's less able to see the obvious even when it's pointed out to her. My brother in law is incredibly selfish, money oriented, refuses to see the obvious when it's pointed out to him, and I tend to avoid confrontation if at all possible, since logic doesn't win any battles for me...

Mother in law, if I have my way, will be heading for a nursing/care home when the dust settles, my wife won't have her caring responsibility, my brother in law will be obliged to watch his inheritance dwindle, and grieve for it... Boo Hoo...

A long winded way of saying that "nuisance calls" may be indicative of the PWD knowing help was needed, but not being able to say what help, thus not accessing that help. They're just being a nuisance, right? Then... you visit in response to a call, they're comforted by your presence, seem not to have a problem... It's perhaps still there, but masked by the temporary comfort your presence provides...

Thanks for this

 

[RoyalOilfield]

Thanks for the acknowledgement. I have a Mother in Law with Dementia, a wife in the early stages of dementia, and an SEN grandchild living with us.

Sometimes, reading and understanding the signs is impossible, we have other stuff to do. (and people, for whatever reason, conceal their motivation) I have a relative, though, whose motivation is really transparent.
"I want ***** to return to her home, I love her and miss her" translates as "My inheritance will dwindle rapidly if she goes into an £80,000 PA nursing home" a subtext is "if they look after her properly, she'll perhaps live longer..." (meaning more £80,000 pa outgoings...)

Mother in law is dependent upon two hearing aids... I didn't involve myself at first, but questioned the rate at which they consumed batteries... She had no idea how to set their volume up to suit her needs. If she couldn't hear, she swapped batteries... I now have a battery tester, I can check batteries, and each day, I visit to help her set them up... I can't, though, prevent her from changing settings in my absence... and she's a "fiddler" can't leave things alone. I just do my best.
I ensure I clean her glasses when I visit. These things ensure she can hear and see. (and the seeing helps lip read)

I didn't notice the weight loss, the dehydration, the urinary infection, the bed soiling... until it became really obvious...

 

[My Mum's Daughter]

@RoyalOilfield I found it easiest to have a set, weekly battery changing day which worked well for us. Mum also fiddled with the volume controls so I had them disabled by audiology. .

 

[Rayreadynow]

Sometimes, reading and understanding the signs is impossible, we have other stuff to do. (and people, for whatever reason, conceal their motivation) I have a relative, though, whose motivation is really transparent.
"I want ***** to return to her home, I love her and miss her" translates as "My inheritance will dwindle rapidly if she goes into an £80,000 PA nursing home" a subtext is "if they look after her properly, she'll perhaps live longer..." (meaning more £80,000 pa outgoings...)

Erm...I assume you live in your own home at the moment? Why don't you sell your home and move into a retirement Village it's only £2,500 per month plus £200 per month service charges.

You mention £80,000 p.a. as if it were nothing but seemed to be concerned over £2.99 batteries being wasted. I really don't follow your train of thought

 

[My Mum's Daughter]

Erm...I assume you live in your own home at the moment? Why don't you sell your home and move into a retirement Village it's only £2,500 per month plus £200 per month service charges.

You mention £80,000 p.a. as if it were nothing but seemed to be concerned over £2.99 batteries being wasted. I really don't follow your train of thought

Retirement villages usually only allow residents aged 55+ and Rayreadynow has a grandchild living with him.

Also, if he sells the family home to go into rented, 50% of the proceeds would belong to his wife so if she needs residential in the future, this money would be swallowed up in fees. Whilst he remains in the family home, only his wife's savings and income would be counted in any financial assessment.